Caution

Got my first pedicure today. What an experience. It was nice but very awkward for me. I can see why people do it but I have issues with sex being a reward. Not that I did anything of course but it was a man who did it and I realized that if we had been on a date or something, I would have felt obligated to have sex with him. Now that's messed up.

I can't really say why I feel that way. I suppose some of it is because I just don't feel worthy of attention without reciprocation. However, why would I not feel that paying him would be enough? Or even the tip I gave him? Why is that not enough?

The bible says I am suppose to cherish my body and treat it with respect. Knowing what I do about spiritual warfare, I know that there is a connection that you don't want to subject yourself to at random. You can pick up all sorts of "parasites". And yet, that doesn't scare me like it should. I know that in certain situations, I would not be able to have self control.

Is it nympho tendencies? I just can't say no to sex. Yet I can say no to my husband so I don't need an emotional connection. So it is sex with strangers that appeals to me? Possibly but there are people I'd just never sleep with. So I need physical attraction. I don't know.

What seems to be consistent is that I seem to think I have nothing worth offering but myself. My money, my time, my emotion, I don't consider it anything would want. But I assume a person would want sex. Ugh. I'm going to have to process that further. I don't want to go into a single life with this unresolved. Could be an ugly thing.

In fact, it's already ugly because I could easily cheat on my husband right now. Even though we are in a "trial" time, in other words separated emotionally, again in the right situation I wouldn't hesitate to cheat on him. I have so much animosity and I'm tired of needing to be on my toes constantly in order to avoid things going back to how they were. It would be so easy but I'm so close to freedom. What that freedom is, I don't know. Time will tell.

Yet I know that if I went and cheated on him or even told him I had, it would be over now. It is incredibly tempting. But I can't do it. Gotta see this through the right way. And yet, if we end up together in a year, I still need to be able to understand my vulnerability when it comes to men and sex. It's a dangerous mix regardless because one wrong move and I've not only put myself at risk but my family and possibly another marriage. No good. I'd better use caution.

Amoeba Woman

I'm going away this weekend. I'm looking forward to the time alone. Its something I used to do every 3 months or so just to keep my head on straight and manage my feelings. I've never lived in a situation where I have the luxury of being okay with being vulnerable around my family. That's sad to me because it should be that way. I think of home as a sanctuary but it's not.

I am so jealous of those that get their home to be their away places. Maybe I'm delusional but I feel like I should be able to cry in front of my spouse. I should be able to break down and he will take care of the kids, house, pets, whatever it is while I'm having my "moment". I should expect to be able to cry on his shoulder and not have to fear the repercussions or have it turned around into all about him. I cannot tell you how desperately I want that. I'm actually a little pouty about it. What the hell...why hasn't it been that way?

I know why it hasn't been that way. Its because I haven't been honest with anyone around me especially not men I'm in a relationship with. Not that I don't want to be but the past has had such a hold on me, that I have been an amoeba. I change color and shape with the needs of my partner. All to make sure they stay happy. Meanwhile I'm not being true to myself. That's the kind of stuff I told H last night.

He came home from work pissed off about it too. He has every right. What he thought was genuine feelings between us was me trying to make everyone around me happy. He felt it. I didn't. He really didn't understand that before. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. I made him listen. He needs to hear me. I suppose I shouldn't care so much but I do.

I care because I want him to be okay after the divorce. Stupid right? But this is all my fault. Yes he had his issues however I have never been honest with him like I have been lately. That's because I'm figuring out who I am and liking what I am finding. Mostly anyway... But I want him to walk away knowing it wasn't him. He has issues like any of us but the core issue that makes this not work it on me. I wasn't me.

Of course then he tells me he loves me anyway, forgives me and asks if he would be so horrible to live with. I just ignore the question and change the subject. The truth is no, he wouldn't be if the changes he's made recently are real. However, as I keep telling him, what I don't know is if I'm going to be able to let go all of the crap that has happened. His actions on top of my history and left very deep wounds that will scar when they heal. I will be wounded and I don't think I can ever allow myself to be in that place of vulnerability again. At least not with him. Truthfully in therapy, I just want to be able to go there with someone sometime and as me. Not the person my parents tried to force me to be, not the person I constantly changed to be to make those around me happy, but me.

I have a friend who is insistent that he is not worth knowing. It makes me sad that he would feel that way and yet I can relate. I often wonder why people would bother with me. I'm a mess. I don't mean that in a feel sorry for me way but more in my head way. I don't see myself yet the way others see me. I know I will someday but at least that's what I'm looking for. S doesn't believe there is anything for anyone to see. I will keep praying for him.

Anyway, back to the point. The days of me being wishy-washy with who I am and what I believe in are gone. Now as I find myself, I'm going to hold on to it and if people don't like it, too bad. I like me. God doesn't make junk, and that includes me. :) It's a good day...

Storms

H and I had a really good talk tonight. He's accepting of the separation. He's not leaving but he's aware of our relationship status and that there are no guarantees. I laid it all out for him. All those things that's I've avoided saying so I didn't hurt him were said. All those secrets I've kept about the things that have hurt me over the years. He said it was like they all just came from nowhere. I'm sure it felt that way.

I finally said enough and now the dust is settling. I had been blinded by the life we were in. It was a whirlwind of emotion, abuse, anger, resentment but now that the twister has gone, we can see what damage has been done and what we are going to need to do to make it right.

There are some things that can be repaired. Things that were annoyances that are easy to compromise on. Things that in many cases, I took personally but weren't meant that way at all. I can tell him my feelings were hurt, accept an apology, forgive and move on.

Other things can be rebuilt. We can learn to be friends again. We can find common ground and take it from there. We can build on the foundation of God's love as brother and sister in Christ.

But some things are going to have to be replaced. What that is has yet to be determined. Some things just aren't worth investing time and energy into. Some things are. Some things have been destroyed by the storm to the degree that there is no choice but to buy a new one.

Buy. Huh what an interesting thought. Another way to say it would be invest. What is it we will invest in? Will we invest in a life together or a life apart? Will we invest in a marriage or friendship? I say we but truth is it's me. What am I willing to invest in?

He's already said he wants to invest in our home, our marriage, our future. You think I'd be happy to hear that but I'm not. You would think as a wife I'm relieved and glad but I'm not. I'm mortified at the idea. I do not believe he is worth investing anymore time in. Wait, I believe he is. I don't believe the marriage is. Because as long as he's in my face, I'm not going to be able to forgive. He thinks I can so he stays. He has been told otherwise by not just me but he refuses to listen. Then he also chooses the consequences.

Time will tell. One of the good things we talked about was the house. It is mine. He won't take it from me he said. I'm going to make him prove it by transferring the deed into my name only and signing a legal doc saying he won't but I'm hoping that he will stay true to his word. So that's one less thing I'm going to worry about as we settle in after the storm.

One thing about storms is that everything has been washed clean. It is fresh and the world rejuvenates. Once the dust settles and the clouds disappear, we get to start again. In the meantime, it's time for me to take inventory and decide what is going to need to be repaired, rebuilt, and replaced.

Little sore

I have this small cut on my finger. I don't know where it came from or how it got there. But I noticed it when I felt a little bit of stinging. It was actually deep enough to bleed a little and split open. Again, it's origins are a mystery.

I imagine that is how friends and family are feeling right now. This random sore pops up, they don't know where it came from but still have to deal with the stinging. I feel bad for that. I wish I could shield everyone in my life from the pain of what's happening with me right now. But I can't.

I want to be able to say all is well. To keep lying about my marriage and what happens behind closed doors but I can't. Eventually you have to look down and see the festering wound and take care of it. If you ignore it, it will become infected.

I'm trying to take care of this wound in my heart. It is definitely infected yet I'm totally at peace. Could it be because my shit-o-meter is pegged? Is it because I am so arrogant that I think I know what is best for me? Or perhaps I'm in a delusional state of reality and I'm clueless to what is actually happening.

I suppose it could be all 3. But does it really matter? I'm angry yes. H has been a dink. However the longer time passes the easier it gets for me. I doubt less often, I see the path ahead and am not afraid, I'm eager for the change, I'm ready to focus on me. Selfish I know, but I need to be a little bit. I'm worthless to my kids if I don't take care of me first. Only took me 40 years to figure that out. Lol!

So here I am with this wound on my finger, recognizing it's time to clean it out, sterilize it and wrap it up...much like my heart.

Time to amputate

Funny, I just wrote a blog not more than a few hours ago. Odd how things can change in the blink of an eye. After I blogged, I was looking for a pic to go with it and noticed IE telling me there had been some visits so a key blogger site. I check them out and decide to search the computer. Wow. So glad I did.

I found H had downloaded it. He has been spying on me. I have nothing to hide except the feelings I write in my blog but even then, they don't have to be hidden. I choose for them to remain hidden. He was at work so I called him but he didn't answer so I sent him texts. I confronted him on it and he told me it was because of our daughter. He was worried about her and then he apologized for not telling me. I called him a liar. Then he admitted he lied to me. He has been watching me. He thinks I've been having an affair and he's been trying to catch me. I told him he could keep trying but the only thing I have to hide is my blog and he could see it if he wants. It will only hurt him to read it. Not me.

I was furious. What an ahole. I mean really. Once we finally got to talk about it, he told me it was my fault that he's trying to control me because I don't confront him when he's being a douche. Yup. My fault he can't keep his hands to himself. My fault that I've allowed him to make me his emotional punching bag. My fault he is rapidly losing control of me.

Some of those I imagine are true. I should have said something. I should have not put up with it. I shouldn't have allowed this all to happen. But I did. Now I'm trying to change it and he thinks I'm not trying. Ugh. WTF!

So I tell him to leave, we are over. This is the final straw. I refuse to be subjected to this any longer. He tells me he won't go. I can buy him out of the house but it's all half his. Now that pissed me off even more. Besides a couch and a fridge, everything else has been given to us by my family. Oh wait, he purchased the dishes set. But whatever. I asked him if he's going to kick the kids and I out and he said no, that would be my choice. If I want to go, I'm free to go but he's not. Wow. I reminded him of the gifts and he says they were meant for him too and just because hes been a jerk doesn't mean he deserves to lose it all. Huh. I beg to differ. If he had purchased it, he can have it. But my family stuff is mine.

Yet at the same time. He can have the fucking stuff. I'm so done. So tomorrow I go get a job, start looking for an apartment, collecting boxes and packing. We are gone. The girls want him gone too. They aren't going to be happy about moving anymore than I am but if he wants his stuff, he can have it. I'm not asking for stuff. I want respect. I want care. I want love.

He tells me that I need to give it one more shot. I asked him what that meant and he tells me that should come from a 3rd party. So he's suggesting marriage counseling again. When I asked him why he didn't take it seriously the first time we did it for 18 months he said he didn't know. Then I ask him why this is different and he says because he will listen now. Fuck that. I highly doubt it but ok. Whatever. Then I say, and if it doesn't work then what? He says we walk away friends.

Interesting thought. Because right now I'm sure I cannot be his friend. Selfish SOB can kiss my ass. But what do I have to lose? Nothing I haven't already. All I care about it me and my kids. So whatever. Of course I have to point out as we are talking, he's sitting at the dinner table letting me wait on him like he's a fucking king. And I just can't believe he is so arrogant he cannot hear the bullshit coming out of his mouth or see that he still allows me to service him, he expects it, it's normal and how it should be. That's the problem. He and I don't see eye to eye on what a marriage is.

Part of me wants to go find some guy to fuck and parade it around in front of him. He's already convinced I'm a slut so why not be one and give him what he wants? Then I get what I want too. An out. He wouldn't tolerate that and it would be over but I have this fear of losing friends, family and whomever because it's not how I would normally behave. I suppose I shouldn't care but I do. I will not make it through this without my friends. I cannot jeopardize them. Although I could sleep with someone I don't have feelings for and not care at all how it affects him. I'm just that mad. But what would it do to me?

It would hurt me. I'm better than that. I'm not that type of person. I might be curious and adventurous but I'm not irresponsible. Yet the kids want him gone, I want him gone and he refuses to go. I just don't know how many more chances I have for him. I have none. But can I find one for this to end amicably? I don't know. He's asking for one more. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that over the last decade. Then it's my fault for not standing up to him. I'm in a lose, lose situation and there is nothing I can do about it. It sucks. So why do I hold on to any assemblence of integrity when I can't walk away with any? Even when this goes south, he will tell people he thought I was cheating. It's the second time I've been accused of that. How do I know he hadn't been and that's why he's so sure I am. Whatever. Not worth more of my time.

But this is over. From killing hamsters to policing me like a cross eyed psycho stalker, this man is sick and I want no part of it. There is no bandaid big enough to cover the wound in me now. Too bad. Two weeks ago I actually started to believe it could work. Now it's time to cut this part off and learn how to live alone.

Handcuffs

H has been working nights. It's awful and the only reason is because he's super clingy. I can't do anything without him following me around. Don't get me wrong, the company is nice but I see the way he looks at me and I know he wants more from me. Makes me very uncomfortable and I feel very unsafe. Especially when he tells me he's having trouble keeping it in his pants. I told him to go find a clean FWB. But he doesn't want to.

I find myself missing sex too but not with him. I don't know if it's because it's him and I'm angry or if it's because I want to screw around on my husband. Ugh. I even hate the sound of that. Husband and wife. It's like a curse for a lifetime of critiques, scrutiny and servitude. Ouch. I know it's not suppose to be like that.

H tells me he remembers all the good times and asks if I do. I ask him if he remembers the bad. He says not really because it was all him. Exactly. I remember good times. But there are a lot more bad memories. He tells me I need to focus on the good ones but he doesn't realize that they are good because I was being "good". I did what was expected of me to keep the peace. I did what I knew what would make him happy. It wasn't what I wanted, what I would have enjoyed....except for the art museum.

That was fun for me. But I had to stick by him. When I left his side he got pissy with me. But that's who I am. If I see something that interests me, my instinct is to go check it out. Not stand from afar and look. Or wait for him to get there. That's the child like heart in me that I love to nurture and constantly stuff in a box for him. Even now.

I have to fight the urge to be reckless. I'm trying so hard to do things right. But in my head and heart I wrestle. The immorality of a divorce plagues my thoughts. I can make this work if H stays how he has been... Outside of the occasional slip. But do I want to? No. I don't. I know I don't. But should I? Should I keep in this marriage because it is manageable? Is that what God would want?

Then on the other hand, when researching marriage, God intended it to be an example of Christ's love and relationship with his people. God being represented by the man and how he treats his wife and the wife representing his people and how we should respond to God's love. I have the privilege of knowing a couple who do that better than anyone I've ever known. Otherwise, the world appears to be stuck in a rut of what it expected and what they really want or need. Like me.

I know I've said I'd never get married again. Honestly that's not true. I would. I want to be in love. I want to be in a relationship that goes two ways. I want to find a man that sees me for who I am and doesn't want to change, fix or help me but wants to live it with me. That's all. I just want a companion. Someone to play music with, someone to putz on the yard with, someone to have bonfires, drink a few beers, go for a run with, hang out with friends with, laugh with, eat with, sleep with. I want to be with a man who sees my service as a gift and is grateful, not take advantage of. I want a man who I trust with every horrible memory and every tear drop.

It would certainly help with my healing to have someone to share with that I trusted completely and didn't turn it around and make it about him. A man who would let me be there for him as well, that would let me hold him when he needed it and let me hear his heart and his memories. Someone I could relate to; has smilar growing up experiences as well as the same issues in their marriage. I don't know. God knows though. I just know what I think.

Can I trust my thinking? I don't know. Perhaps. I'd like to think I'm doing ok but maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm still seeing through the eyes of a wounded child who is desperate for love. Real love. Not sex. Not abuse. Not control but love. And yet if I found it, would I be able to stay in that place?

I don't know. If I was K and G was my husband, I'd struggle with being worthy of the kind of love he has for me. His love is so selfless, kind, gentle, passionate, and pure. It would take me time to adjust and trust someone like that. But I'd love the chance to try it.

Sometimes I think my guy friend L would be a good fit for me. Like he was introduced to our group while I was gone for that reason. There is no other way I would have met him. But he is also friends with H so that could never happen. And I wouldn't want to jeopardize our team by messing with that dynamic. But I think it's the idea of him. He's so non judgemental, he's kind, he is fun and silly, he's friends with my friends, he knows abuse and control. He also has a lot of the same interests as me so it would be easy to be friends with him when husband and wife wasn't going so well. But again, probably not him specifically but a person like him. Then again God does strange things. L can feel me when I'm close. That's so weird.

I have to tell you about this. I took my daughter driving and we ended up turning around at the end of his driveway. His driveway is long so he didnt know we had done that. It was 850 pm. The next day he emails and says he was thinking about me the evening before. I mention we were at the end of his driveway just before 9 and he freaks out because it was the exact time and it was overwhelming for him. Talk about strange. I feel people all the time, like their emotions but not proximity like that. I wouldn't be able to walk through a crowded mall and be drawn to somebody like that. But I guess he can. At least with me.

But anyway, I'm not going to allow my desire to be loved the way I deserve to be interfere with God's plan. I assume that's God's plan for me too but is it with H? I don't think so but I'm not arrogant enough to think I can predict God. I'm also very aware that God gives us free will to behave the way we want. So even if the plan was meant to be with H, has that planned changed? I don't know. I guess I just keep taking it one day at a time and hope I don't screw up my life too bad. I'm tired of wearing these cuffs.

Searching for lies

I find myself struggling tonight. Today was the way I thought it would be. He acted normal, trying to hold on and when that didnt work, he got pouty.

Imagine this, we are at a soccer game and I'm visiting with all the Moms I haven't seen since last year and suddenly H slowly stumbles backwards and sits down on the ground. People are asking him if he's ok and he tells them to get me. I go to him and he says he needs to go to the car. I walk him to the car and planned to head back to watch the game when he stops me and starts fussing about why I didn't notice him on the ground. Do I even care about him? Am I so selfish and wrapped up in the kids I can't take ten minutes to see how he's doing?

I was astonished. That is old behavior at it's best. I told him I was going back to the game so he follows me, continuing to ask dumb questions when I finally said, we are here for our daughter. She only asks for 1 hour to watch her play and that's what I'm going to do. He shut up but was still pouty. When I got back to the bleachers, I found out I missed my daughter score off a corner kick. Grr!

The rest of the evening he was needy, following me around like a puppy. Apologetic for the outburst earlier in the day. Conveniently, he didn't remember saying those things, he was feeling so horrible but there was nothing wrong with him. If he was one of my kids I would have called him out on his dramatics and not put up with it. But I was tired and didn't want to deal with it so I didn't confront him again.

I wonder why I do that. I know it's partially because I am afraid of his reactions because of the crap he's put me through in the past, however there's a part of me that wonders if I'm sabotaging this. Am I making sure he stays the bad guy by not communicating? Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to tell him how to behave like an adult. It's not my job to babysit him. He's a grown up and should work on fixing his own issues. I've got too many of my own to focus on.

Perhaps I'm sabotaging our relationship, already given up and just doing the time because I said I would. Perhaps I don't want this to work at all so I'm not putting effort into it. I don't know. But I know I feel like I'm enabling when I give away time meant for my daughter because he's throwing a tantrum. I know that the manipulative mind games are real even if he doesn't see how sick it is. I know that I can't keep this up. Pretending to be ok when I'm not. I struggle so much.

I love him as a friend and would absolutely care if he lives or dies. I absolutely care if he has a stroke or heart attack. I care if he's anxious or panicked. I care if he sad. I want to hug him when he needs one and I want to hold him when he needs to be held. But how do I do that when I'm trying to not be married to the man?

I don't know how to be his friend as his wife. Those two lines don't cross for us. We make great friends, I see the man he can be. But we can't live together. I can't be so emotionally wrapped up in him that I can't take care of myself. I can't be his savior. Jesus needs to be and I'm not arrogant enough to think I can remotely be that person in H's life. I want him to be ok and I want him to be happy and despite how he thinks I make him happy, we play these stupid games that suck the life out of both of us. It's not healthy for either one of us. But he thinks it works and needs it to be that way. I get it, but I don't want to participate in it anymore. So now what?

How do I hang on for a year feeling like this? Is it even possible for him to earn back enough trust for me to put forth more effort? I have been holding this thing together for so many years, I don't want to put anymore into it. Why did he have to decide now that he finally wanted to participate in our life? And if I can't trust, and there is nothing left, why keep the misery going? What keeps me holding on when it seems to me there is nothing good to hold on to? Guess I'd better keep pondering that one because I really need to know the answer to that. I need to know what it is in me that can't just do what I need to do. I need to know what lie I've been telling myself to keep going. Then I can find my truth and change. But I'm not sure I can block out a lifetime of lies even though I know I need to.

One day at a time

Well we have practice tonight. I'm a little nervous about it. He's been good but when I asked my daughter about how she felt, she said he still gives her looks when I'm not looking.

That's what I'm afraid of. Will he just mask his true feelings but they fester underneath like a volcano waiting to explode?

=====================================

I wrote that last night. Never got enough time alone to finish it. Practice went well or so I thought. It was fun, H didn't seem to lose his temper or get annoyed, he even laughed a little. It was good. Then we left and although his delivery was better, he felt like I was ignoring him and not treating him like everyone else. He might be right.

He's been taking luxuries with me that has made me very uncomfortable. Extra touchy feely, wanting deep kisses, grabbing me. So I probably did stay away from him a little. I don't like to show a lot of PDA (Public Displays of Affection) as it is. I don't want to in front of friends at all. It's just weird. Maybe if it was with someone I was madly in love with, I'd be okay with pecks, lingering hugs, sitting on his lap and stuff like that. But not usually my style. Shame I'm sure. And with H I don't want to lead him on or give him permissions I shouldn't. Sadly I already had and didn't realize it.

I woke up a little before 5am with his hands down my pants, my shirt hiked up above my breasts, and him rubbing away. WTF. I'm a hard sleeper. At first I didn't realize what was going on. As I got my feet underneath me, I panicked. Just laid there for a minute or two frozen, afraid, unsure what to do. I didn't say anything or let on that I was up but I did yank his hand away and roll over. He then apologized and said he was sleeping. Ya sleeping....I told him he was full of shit and just as awake as I was and he needed to leave.

Of course he didn't leave like I asked. He tried to hold me, made a bunch of excuses, kissed my neck. Again I'm having a PTSD moment where I'm frozen, can't say much and still a bit out of it because the time of day. Finally got up the courage to leave and have a smoke, he followed, talking the whole time, excuse after excuse of why he thought it would be ok to take advantage of a sleeping woman with a history of sexual abuse in her past. I was hearing things like we are married, I used to be okay with it, he was horny, I didn't stop him in my sleep, etc. All lame.

After the smoke I asked him if he wanted his pillow, implying I wasn't allowing him back in my bed. He asked if he could just sleep on the floor. I'm still afraid and disoriented at this point so I say fine. When he gets to the room he lays down on the bed next to me. I let it go again and told him not to touch me. He didn't and got up shortly after. Then I fell back asleep until just a moment or two ago.

H came in and woke me up saying he thought I would like an hour or so before we have to leave for my daughter's soccer game and then proceeded to tell me that he's not going to live in shame, he messed up, he will keep messing up and he's ok with it. Phew! Glad we got that figured out. What a relief (sarcasm). So glad he woke me up to tell me that. NOT! Grr! Then he tells me he's going to wake the kids. I told him not to. This was his idea, not theirs and to leave them alone. Whether he did or not, I don't know. I'll find out later but the ugly is coming back and I wasn't ready for it at all. Mad at myself for that.

I shouldn't have been so willing to accept his changes in such a short time, I shouldn't have allowed a normal bad day in the life of children spook me into an emotional place that I wasn't ready for, I should have trusted myself enough to stick to my guns and not allowed myself in the compromising position I was in earlier today. But I did and I'm still scared on the inside. Talk about reverting back to being a kid.

I feel helpless, powerless, fearful, sad, trapped, scared, lost, confused, ashamed, and darn near suicidal. And now I get to spend the day putting on a happy face and dealing with H who clearly has no idea the psychological impact his actions have had on me and me vulnerable and without ability to function in a way to protect myself like I need to. Hopefully Mama Bear will come out because I don't know how to deal with this. It's a lot to bite off. I just hope the memories don't flood when I'm suppose to be focused on a soccer game. That would suck. So wish me luck world, it's gonna be a LONG day...

His and hers sparkly shoes

He bought himself some sparkly shoes. He said he would wear them when I wore mine. He wanted to show me he supports me and who I am. Sparkly shoes and all.

At first I laughed. It was funny to see sparkly shoes on him. But as it's been sinking in, if he's serious, I'm pissed off. I don't want him to change himself for me. I just want to be ok as myself.

But what if he is sparkly shoe kind of guy? Does it even matter? Do I care? I want to say I don't because I'm done but there is a small piece of me that wants this to work. I don't want to give up. I want him to be the guy he is trying to be.
But I cannot allow myself that hope. I cannot afford to do that. I'd like to but it's a place I've gone over and over again, only to be burned. And that's just with him. If I were to transfer the rest of my life onto him, then there's no chance.

I can't scapegoat him. I can't allow him to be held responsible for a lifetime of abuse. I can't let him be a martyr because I'm fed up with crappy behavior. And yet I get concerned that I might be doing that. Is there anything he can do to make things better? Is sparkly shoes enough?

I think it's sweet he wants to show me that support. I think it's nice that he's trying to do the little things that mean so much. I think he is desperate and really wants us to work. But do I?

I'm not sure. So I'll see what happens with the sparkly shoes. Maybe they will be a part of his personality, maybe not. The only thing I know for sure is that they are a part of mine.

Curveball

Of course I just couldn't be allowed to stay in my empowered state. Grr. Hate how life throws you curve balls. I'm not even going to get into the visit with my dad today. Maybe tomorrow or later as it sinks in. Short version though, he made me doubt myself.

He shared with me the benefit of his divine wisdom (sarcasm) and how to continue to enable an abuser in a marriage. Naturally he wouldn't say that but that's all I heard. How he was able to stay married to my mom for over 30 years because these were the tactics he used. Hmm...last week he said he was glad I'm standing strong and wants me to have a life he didn't. I can't keep up. He doesn't know what he's doing anymore than I do.

What I did want to address is that I came home to H having another "revelation". He said God told him that waiting a year is stupid and that H will be fixed in 2 months. Lol, seriously. So if in 2 months I don't feel H has changed enough for me to take him back, he will walk away with only a car and some clothes. I'm just not even sure what is happening. It's one of the most bizarre conversations I've had with my husband. All I could do is stand there and say "uhhhh huhhhh". I did not agree to it but I didn't say no either.

It poses some interesting questions for me to ponder. Would I believe any change is sincere if it has only been 2 months? If I give up the ground I have made and in 4 months it's the same ol' have I recommitted myself to a lifetime of regret for backing down from what I believe in?

I know he says he loves me and is willing to do anything to keep us together. He thinks that by dumping everything on my lap is the answer. I'm glad for the financial control but he's removed himself from any responsibility of the house now too. I'm in charge of money, maintenance, repairs, yard work, and such. All things I was preparing to take over...in a year. I don't even have a job. But now it's all on me. He says so I know what it feels like to be in charge. I told him I don't want to be in charge. I want a marriage. This is his way of showing me that he's willing to sacrifice anything to keep us together. Lucky me.

So now I'm going to go back to dredging through months of bills to see what's been paid and hasn't been, what the monthly budget is minus the Lexus, figure out when things are due and how much, then I'll have a good idea what kind of job I need to look for. Hopefully it isn't selling myself on the street corner. JK! :)

Feeling good

So I did it. Finally told him this isn't working and I not only want a separation but need one. It was so hard. You would think it would be easy because I clearly have animosity towards him but it wasn't. However now that it's done, I am so relieved.

He called on his lunch break and he asked if I had anything to tell him. I said I did. He asked if it was good or bad and I said both. He told me to tell him. I said I didn't think it was a good idea but he pushed and I gave in. I told him it was over. I was done. Which he interpreted as I'm filing for divorce. Rightfully so. We had 5 minutes to talk and that was the shortest way to tell him.

I guess he stewed on it all day and contacted some of our friends and my dad. I knew he was going to need to talk to friends, but my dad? Really? So I get a call from dad with a message saying that he would be coming over tomorrow morning and we needed to talk because he was not happy with me. What a degrading feeling. No wonder I'm so shame based. It takes one message to send me back to my childhood and my head spins. What did I do now? Why is he unhappy? What is he going to say? It was crippling emotionally. And hurt like hell because I thought we were past all that. I thought he was done being dad and more a friend. Guess not.

I called him and he said that H had called him and he is disappointed in me and H and that neither one of us are doing what we are suppose to be doing and that we would discuss it "at length" tomorrow. Ugh. As if I wasn't stressed enough waiting for the big guy to come home wondering what his stance was going to be and if I was going to need to have 91 dialed in my phone and my thumb hovering over the 1. Much to my surprise, he didn't come home at all. He went to see G who wasn't there so he hung out with K.

I hate that there isn't more separation between us and our friends. Those friends love both of us and it's sucky they get put in the middle. Thankfully I know that G and K are able to separate actions from the individual so they won't judge him or me. What a gift that is. Still hard for them though I'm sure. In situations like this it is so tempting to take a side. You almost feel like you have to. But we are all so closely connected, it's difficult. Much like a family. But I guess that could be God's point. If everyone is family, we see them differently. We offer more grace, love and patience. Well maybe not all of us but those of us who cherish family can love our friends as well as we love those we are related to.

Anyway, he did eventually tell me where he was. We had limited time without the kids around so I didn't want to rush him but wanted to talk this out with him. Especially after hearing from my dad. I was SO pissed off. H knows enough of my family history that he shouldn't have gone there and I was just imagining once again, the guilt and shame talk from Pastor P. You know, the one that made me say yes to a proposal I had already refused...many times.

H came home and we went for a drive. I'm SO glad we did. I drove which helped me stay focused and made me less afraid of him. I figured if he starts on me physically I would damage us both by driving into a ditch or something to stop him. Then I could get out and run. Sad that I would think I needed a plan like that but I went there.

I won't bore you with all the details but to give you an idea of how the conversation went, after about a half hour of him laying into me, I said "shut the f#&k up and listen for once". From there I did all the talking which included a few leaking moments, the bold honest truth, and how if there is any chance of us working, he needs to leave. There's still a deadline on the table and I will respect that but I can't work on him and me at the same time. Oh and that I refuse to work on him at all. That's his job. I'm done.

By the time we got home, he looked me in the face and said he heard me, he has some things to fix with G and my dad and that he will start looking for a place to go. Wohoo! We also talked about playing on the team together and we agreed to be band mates while there and leave any husband wife stuff at the door. Not only for the sake of our friends but for us. If he truly wants this to work, then we will need something positive to build on. Playing worship music with friends could be a very good foundation to start a relationship with. Or at the very least if it doesn't work out, then we have common ground to keep us friends.

I also told him I'm not holding back anymore so he will see me and hear me. Then he can make an informed decision about this marriage as well. I'm feeling pretty good about all of this! Yay!

What a morning

I'm sitting in church right now. Should probably be listening to the sermon but I'm not. I'm angry. H told me this morning that he has been researching on the internet and he sees now I'm having a midlife crisis and he no longer has to accept responsibility for anything that's between us, that he forgives me and he will wait for as long as it takes for me to get over my crisis. Ugh. Initially I was relieved. He gets it. No more pressure.
But as it soaked in while we were practicing, I started to get pissed. Really? He has no part of this?

So naturally it's ok for him to require a receipt anytime I spend money? It's ok to get a daily allowance of miles on the odometer which he checks every morning before work? It's ok to ground me from my phone, the computer or other things because I'm a child that needs punishment? Its ok that he must be served and start eating first before the rest of us are allowed? Those things don't need change? Hmm. I disagree.

Clearly this isn't going to work. But I'm almost glad for the midlife crisis thing. He honestly believes that and it could make things amicable between us. That would make the divorce a heck of a lot easier not only for me but family and friends. People are going to believe what they want anyway. I know this. I've done this a couple times before. As long as I stand on the truth and handle myself with respect and dignity, it should be good. Guess we will see.

I'm too tired to write much more now. Still so much sorting and processing happening but at least it's out there for now. Yay!

Soar

I didn't write yesterday because there was so much going through my head I just didn't even know how to put things down on paper. Or virtual paper I guess. I met with my Dad and in the true spirit of honesty, I laid out what has been happening with my husband and I. I told him about the deadline I had set, told him about the control issues, told him about how the kids want nothing to do with him anymore. My Dad is a pastor so I was expecting a pastoral response about honoring God and my commitment to him through marriage and those kinds of things. What I got was totally a surprise.

Dad acknowledged the control. He has seen it. He admitted that he was a part of the control early on before H and I got married because he was a part of pushing me to marry H. He said that he was also controlled by H in because H was saying he wouldn't wait any longer for me to make up my mind and so my parents pushed, H pushed and I gave in. Dad also was shocked at the change of heart, how determined I am to be healthier and no longer live controlled. He asked what happened.

I told him how K would ask me if I was okay after H would get on me at practices. I told him how G said he knows H loves me but doesn't seem to like me. I told him how the girls said they don't think H likes them either. Then he said to me "that was an act of God". He thought that I would stay in this place and continue to placate the situation like he did. He thought that H dying was going to be the only way that this could get better. He thought I was going to continue a family pattern of abusive and controlling marriages. And he was relieved.

He told me how he would have made changes in his life had he been strong enough. He told me that living a lifetime with a controlling partner is the worst choice he had ever made. He told me that when he looks back at how it was for us kids growing up, he feels guilt and shame. I was stunned. He had never admitted that before and I asked how he came to that realization. He said it took my Mom's death and him actually being free to realize how imprisoned he really was.

I cannot adequately express the relief and joy I felt hearing him say that. Joy! Like real JOY! Some of it was that I wanted his support and didn't dare to hope that I would get it because of his standing in the church. The other part was hearing from someone on the other side who didn't move, was rescued from his situation by God himself and has come out with blessings he didn't even know could be. It fed the hope I have of a better future of a life where I am not daily condemned or shamed or controlled. It helped me see that my hope is not futile nor the efforts I'm making now to improve my life worthless. There is a future in the direction I'm going. Even if I don't know what the future is going to be. I don't need to have a vision for myself any longer. I only need to keep God in the center of my vision and the rest will fall into place. I had to text my friends about it. Well K and G anyway. Almost accidently text L too but I'm working hard to respect those boundaries he set...or his wife set. Not really sure. But it doesn't matter. I am looking ahead!

I still am going to honor my agreement with H to wait until June 1, 2015 and going to move forward as if this isn't going to work out. But the pressure has been released. Having it affirmed by a man ordained by God that ending an unhappy marriage is okay has given me freedom. I will have my new beginning. I will change the patterns of abuse in my life. I will rise above where I'm at and how life is and it will be what God wants it to be. I believe in the Word of God and I believe in his promises of love, hope, joy, peace, safety, happiness, prosperity and health. Finally hearing that I am in God's graces in this is just what I needed to get ready to fly; cuz this bird is going to do more than fly, I'm going to soar!

Baby Steps

Well, I've had a chance to think about Easter day and how that went in regards to H. It was actually a good day. He got mad at me first thing because I wanted to dress up for church and he wanted to wear jeans. I didn't tell him he needed to dress up, he just felt obligated because I was. But once the day played out, it was a decent day! In fact, I realized in reflecting about the day that I can be critical about him to our friends. I say things off the cuff that are true but not necessarily for the world to know about him. That's not cool. I'm going to work on that. I guess I am not above things slipping out sideways either. I'd like to think I'm better than that but naturally I am humbled. God does that a lot to me. Probably a good thing as I can be a snot but He does remind me that I'm not as strong, as put together, as organized, as stable as I like to think I am.

I have to give props to H as well because I drug him down to a friends house that he barely knows to hang out with her and her family which includes a set of 2 year old twins, a 4 year old, an 8 year old and her boyfriend. All in a 5 room, 2 bedroom upstairs apartment in the hood. Yes, they are black and yes I am white. Obviously not an issue because those are my friends but he's been a little sheltered. However he did great! Normally H is the kind of guy that if he's not having a good time he will make sure everyone around him knows it. He can't just keep it under wraps for the sake of those he is with. But yesterday, he did put on a happy face and handled it like a trooper. It was really nice. If he was upset or annoyed about it, he kept it to himself and I wasn't even noticing it. I am really glad to see a positive change. Even if it was just for Easter, it was a nice Easter because of it. I appreciate the gesture a lot.

What I've also noticed in reflecting about the day is that even though he gets mad at me a lot, I don't really let it stop me unless he throws a major fit. A little tantrum doesn't even phase me. I let him have his say and keep going about my way. Like the dress clothes, like at practices, like pretty much everything. So when I actually push him to point that he physically lashes out at me, it takes me by surprise. However it is no wonder that he feels disrespected. I totally don't respect him at all. I've been wondering if I could do everything his way. I don't know if I can. Let me rephrase that, I can but I don't know if I want to. I've done it before to get to this point in our marriage but I missed myself so much. I missed being me. Thus I still question whether or not we will be able to be together because I want to be me and have it be okay. It isn't fun to fight all the time and it isn't fun to feel like who I am isn't okay.

Despite that, I needed to be sure to document that he tried and that he made an effort. That was really good. Today things were back to normal when he got pissed off because I wanted to wash the floors on my hands and knees verses using a mop but whatever. Baby steps right?

Resurrection Day

Really wishing I wouldn't have thought about how strong I thought I was with my mom. Ever since I've been having memories of me standing there with resolve, not even flinching as the punches, slaps and whatever she had in her hand came flying at me. What a sick thing to think about. Those are feelings I used to feel pride about. Now I'm angry and sad. But I still can't cry. I leak. But I don't cry.

 

I specify a difference because my eyes well up and a tear or two might fall but I don't willingly let anything out. There has never been an exception. I've never felt safe enough, even alone to just release it. I need to though. As the memories float to the surface I find myself feeling overwhelmed and anxious. But I still refuse to go there. I just can't. My heart is not safe around my husband. That's not his fault either. He really wants to be there for me, he just can't help himself. He feels like it's helpful to tell me how I should handle myself. I have repeatedly asked him just to listen, to hold me, to just be there and he cannot be. Again, not his fault. He only knows how to correct in an attempt to help. But with stuff like this, there isn't a right or wrong, it just is or isnt. And with him around it isn't.

 

My girlfriend K could possibly be a safe person if we could actually have time without interruption. My therapist would be but he can't touch me. My guyfriend L definitely is and has come close to breaking me a couple times without even trying but we aren't allowed to be alone so it doesn't matter. So I keep stuffing and little bits dribble out despite my unwillingness to let it go. I'm literally going to explode one of these days. I just hope the situation in which that happens is appropriate.

 

My username is Mia Phoenix. Although Mia is not Mia it's M.I.A. or missing in action. I used to relate to the Phoenix; rising from the ashes into an amazing creature of fire and healing. Now I see that I may have risen from the ashes of my childhood but I'm not flying yet and I am not healed. I'm trying and fighting my way through this in hopes of living a life worthy of the title of a Phoenix but for now, the Phoenix in me is M.I.A. Thus Mia Phoenix.

 

Ironic really because today is Easter. A day of resurrection. Perhaps one of these Easters I will just be a Phoenix instead of Mia Phoenix. Until then, I'll keep fighting through the memories, keep numbing myself to just cope with living with H and place my hope in God for a life I desperately want before I have no life left in me to live. But maybe that's the point. Maybe I have to die before I can be reborn. Maybe I have to embrace the pain, the tears, the years and accept the unacceptable before I can fly. Even if it's not Easter, that will be my resurrection day.

His words, my words

So I've been thinking about how I might be what he says so I've decided to take this post to write what he says is wrong with me and what I do wrong. Maybe he's right and I have some things to work on. To be honest with myself I have to use the words he has used. Otherwise I'd try to sugar coat it and be more kind. Not the point. The point is to look at how harsh he feels and honestly look at whether or not it's justified.

 

What's wrong with me:

I'm too friendly
I'm a tight wad
I like the color yellow
I wear sparkly house shoes
I wear my yellow, daisy hat in public
I have f me curls
I trust easily
I love too much
I want to help too often
I spend too much time with kids
I'm too patient with kids
I don't punish kids enough
I'm the dumbest smart person he has ever known
I don't listen to the radio enough
I'm not neat enough
I don't keep the house clean enough
I don't do laundry often enough
I don't change the sheets and towels often enough
I don't support him
I don't obey him enough
I don't treat him like the head of our household
I like to laugh too much
I'm clumsy
I'm quirky
I drink too much
I smoke
I don't show enough emotion
I'm a distraction
I'm reckless
I'm adventurous
I'm unreasonable
I'm stubborn
I'm independent
I'm particular
I'm too organized
I'm not spontaneous enough
I am outdoors too much
I don't bake cookies often enough

 

Since I'm doing this I can also add my own short comings:

I'm fat
I'm out of shape
I'm lazy
I'm too hopeful
I'm a peace keeper
I'm a care taker
I'm a perfectionist
I have panic attacks
I'm not serious enough
I hide behind humor
I'm sarcastic
I lie to save peoples feelings from being hurt
I protect
I let fear control me
I walk the fence and if I fall off into the other side I just get back on the fence again
I believe in God's love working through humans
I believe people should be cherished
I am not afraid of being hurt emotionally
I am grieving

 

I am sure if I left this list open I could keep adding. But for now I'm going to stop and process these things, pray about them and possibly talk to friends about it because I don't want to put all the blame on him. I have my issues too. I am not without fault. Of course right now I have a lot of Easter baking to do and dinner to start so I'd better focus on that or it won't be right and I'll mess that up too.

I like mornings

Mornings are nice. Not the ones where you set an alarm and have to jump out of bed to start your day but the ones where you linger. Take your time and just let the wave of the day sweep you away. No agendas, no stresses yet, just you and God looking ahead. This is also the best time for sex in my opinion too. Something about starting your day with that release is pretty cool.

 

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to wake up next to somebody you were happy to see. To watch them sleep, to hold them, to want to cover them in kisses and touch every part of them. I'm a touchy feely person anyway but to have a spouse that you just want to be near, sounds amazing. The idea of having that emotional intimacy is intoxicating for me. It distracts my thoughts, influences my actions, appeals to my heart and my hope. Well everything except the spouse part.

 

I don't think I could or should marry again. I can't be trusted. I would live with someone, I would be committed but I would always want that door to be open. For whatever reason marriage seems like a jail cell. I don't want to go back into one once I get out. However I see K and G together and their marriage is about freedom. It's inspirational.

 

Being together gives them permission to be themselves. The good and the bad. They are free to express what they want, when they want and how they want without there being backlash or punishment. They are free to break down because the other will be there for them. They are free to try new things because the other will be there to lift them up. There is freedom with them because of the love they share. I'm sure I'm not adequately describing it but just trust me, their marriage is freedom. It's so different from anything I've seen before and yet my heart recognizes it as truth.

 

What I grew up seeing is abuse, anger, bitterness, resentment, frustration. I don't think I ever saw my parents hug or kiss. It was rare to even see them together although I have vivid memories of them physically fighting and me being scared for my dad because he refused to hit a woman. So he just let her beat on him. I guess it was better than her beating on me or my brother. Shouldn't have happened at all but ya know, it is what it is. Point being, I knew that was wrong. I often wished my parents would have gotten divorced so I could have a safe place somewhere. But with my friends, their marriage is safe and loving. Probably a little co-dependent but why not? It works for them.

 

I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship like that. I feel like I have a friendship like that with L but we are just friends. Although at one point when I was trying to figure out how to sort out what I was feeling, thought he and I should be FWB. Lol! But that was a stupid whim and a feeble attempt to make myself feel better about the current situation. Now that I'm willing to take an honest, hard look at things, I don't want that. I never really did. FWB is good in theory, not so good played out. It is merely a distraction from the truth. A truth that needs to be accepted, faced and either acted upon or not. That would be my choice. One I'm still pondering.

 

God has put L and K in my life. An amazing guy and girl friends. I used to question it. But now I see I am not meant to. They have taught me to trust in friendship, they have showed me unconditional love, they have blessed me with their opinions, wisdoms and truths. They listen, don't need or want the short version, and get it so I don't have to say too much. Holy cow is that a gift. I can be in a room with either one of them and it can be silent, and it isn't awkward. We just get each other. Love that. But I like silence. Probably why I adore lazy mornings so much. The silence, the peace, the positive energy as the sun reveals itself to the world and the potential for the day ahead is set. What a beautiful time. Just wish I had someone to share it with...

 

I did it again

Well I did it again. Not even sure what exactly I did but I got in trouble again tonight at practice tonight. Not at practice but afterwards. He bitched me out the whole way home about how I was a distraction, how I should be a better example, how I shouldnt drink, how I was disrespectful to my friends but especially to him. On the way there it was how I was an embarrassment for bringing my sparkly shoes and how I am slutty for wearing my hair curly. He also wouldn't let me drive my car or smoke in my car. Guess it's only my car when he's not around.

 

I hate how he hides. I know he doesn't hide completely at practice but when I directly confront him on something in front of our friends, he denies it. It annoys me so much. Why pretend if we aren't happy? Why pose for pictures when neither one of us really want to be seen together? Why bother? But we do. We go through the motions, he hides as much as he can but I think our friends are through it.

 

What bothers me most is that I really don't think I want a lot from him. Just some acceptance, some love, some patience, some grace. He ends nearly every church service encouraging the perish members to give grace, get grace, have grace and yet he doesn't seem to know what that means. What it disheartening is that he isn't capable of it. Again, he's not a bad guy. He would be a fine husband for a woman who wants to be submissive and controlled. But that is not me.

 

I've never been able to tow the line. I talked with T tonight about how I walk the line. Always have. It's just who I am. It makes me who I am and because I do, I can relate to all sorts of people. It makes me an effective minister but apparently it's not something my husband can accept nor tolerate about me. My friends seem to be ok with it but they aren't married to me.

 

I suppose it's hard to be married to someone who lets her flaws be seen. I suppose it's hard to be married to someone that genuinely loves anyone. I suppose it's hard to be married to someone who only takes finances, child rearing and love seriously. But that's who I am. I don't think it makes me bad, just different than he thought I would be. I still wonder why he says he's in love with me. Maybe those things appeal to him but he didn't realize that being married to someone like that was going to drive him crazy but trust me, I drive him crazy.

 

I really miss talking to my friend L who is in the same position because when I'm told constantly either directly or indirectly that who I am is bad, it's a relief to hear from him and find out I'm not as bad as I am told I am. Even though h tries to isolate me so I don't find support out there, I refuse to be shut down and placed in a position where I am stuck with my own thoughts.

 

I doubt myself constantly. It's because of how I was raised.  So placing myself in the same situation yet again is not surprising. I'm learning but I'm still quick to assume in bad, I'm to blame, I'm guilty and I deserve to be punished. Quite frankly, as much as I wish for a man who can see me and love me, it scares me. What if I did find a man who accepted me? Could I handle bring loved like that? Would I trust it? Would I push him away and test him to see if he really could handle me?

 

Probably. I would need a man who would be willing to stick with me no matter what. A man to tell me how amazing I am. How beautiful I am. How, even though I'm broken, I'm still worth something instead of being reminded of each and every mistake I make or how I'm a disappointment or how I need to be different. Aren't I good enough just as I am?  God says I am. My kids say I am. My friends say I am. Why do I even bother second guessing myself? I don't know but I do and his one discouraging word can supersede any kindness or compliment I may be given. I'm tired of living like this. But it's how it's going to be for now. I promised him a chance so a chance I will give.

Until then I guess I'll keep messing up and taking my punishment like a good little girl.

 

He doesn't even like you!

Those are the words I heard from my 12 year old today. After she said he doesn't even like her. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised because this isn't the first time I've heard that but I was surprised. Especially with it coming out of her mouth. After both girls venting at me for a half hour about what a jerk h was to them last night including the boldface lie he told when asked a point blank question, I finally asked the question. "Would you be upset if he and I weren't together anymore?", and the response was "not really, we'd be a lot happier without him". Again surprised at the answer.

 

Where have I been? I would not have predicted such a response. Here I thought I was the only one miserable in this. I thought I was the only one who felt bullied by him. I thought I was the only one who saw how inconsistent he is. But I'm not. None of us know if today he'll be okay with laughter at the dinner table when yesterday he wasn't. We don't know if today it's my car or his. Today we don't know if he will get upset because we aren't hanging as a family together or if he's going to isolate.

Sad thing is I know that if I told him how they felt, he would be hurt by it. So I'm not going to. That's just mean and yet I kind of feel like he should know. It isn't just me. But on the other hand, like I told the girls, he can ground them and parade his parental rights over them. It's better for him to be mad at me so I need to keep buffering.

 

He says I'm too easy on the girls. But I don't think I am. I address things with them but I do it calmly and respectfully. What good is freaking out and/or punishing without first getting the whole story. Besides they are good kids, there is very little to be upset with them about. They do what they are asked when I ask them and usually without complaint. They do well in school. They know to be respectful and we'll-mannered when away from home and are usually at home too. Granted their rooms aren't always clean which is awful to some people but they are responsible for themselves, their pets, their laundry and their grades. My job as mom is not to guilt or shame but to encourage, lift up and support them. But in his eyes it makes me weak and a push over.

 

I guess I just don't care if they forget to pick up the mail as they walk by the mailbox from the bus stop. I guess I just don't care if they leave their backpack on the table. It gets moved when I ask. I don't care if they want their rooms to be dusty and messy, they live in it not me.

 

What I do care about is how much sleep they get, what food they eat, that they shower on a regular basis, that they maintain a b average in school, that they learn how to cook, do their own laundry, balance a checkbook, pay their phone bill, respect curfew. And most importantly they are never afraid to ask me for help. I'm limited in what I can do but I want them to always feel like they can talk about sex, boyfriends, h, God, school friends, drinking, drugs, etc. I want that line of communication to be always open with them.

 

But h doesn't. He doesn't like that I have that kind of relationship with my girls. He gets upset if I spend too much time with them or if they need someone to talk to, they are being needy or whiney or "girls".

 

I wish I could some how reflect how he says the word "girls" when he's talking about them and me. There is so much disdaine in his voice. The cynicism just drips off his tongue and even his eyes shut like he just can't believe he has to deal with us girls. For a man with 6 girls, you would think he'd think of each of them as his little princesses and his wife his queen. But nope. There's hatred in his voice. Don't get me wrong, he's not a closet gay man but he does have issues with women that have strong opinions or have too much fun. That's pretty much all of us so it's no wonder.

 

I see how G is with his daughters and wife, they both are his beautiful creatures that he has been blessed with. He doesn't always feel worthy of such beauty in his life and yet he cherishes every word, every moment, every touch with them. Then you see him with his grand daughters and it's even sweeter. Isnt that the way it should be. I want to be adored. I want to be appreciated. I want to be respected. I want him to laugh when I'm random and goofy, to feel pride when I'm strong, to feel love when I'm independent and to find humor in me when I do something dorky (Which is a lot). At the very least to like me and like my girls.

 

You just know

I asked a friend how you know if you've found the "one". His response was you just know and you know because you just want to be with that person. I'm paraphrasing here but that was the gist. If I accept his answer as truth then I shouldn't be blogging at all. Since I'm questioning my marriage among other things, he is not the one. I don't really like to spend time with him and I find myself preferring to be alone. I shouldn't wish he had somewhere to be all the time. I shouldn't feel like I have to be a buffer between him and the kids. If I didn't have all this water under the bridge, would I want to be with him? Would my perspective change?

 

He will tell you I'm the one. He fell in love with me the moment he saw me, that I'm a blessing, that he doesn't want to live life without me. Even as I write those things I find myself rolling my eyes. If this is love, then I want hate. No that's not true but if this is his view of love, then we are certainly not going to work out. However as the more seasoned Christian here, should I be the one to set an example and learn to love him as he is? Does he continue to hold on to something I think is awful because he loves me beyond the circumstances? Can it work if only one side has that kind of love?

I complain about him but clearly I'm the verbal one here. I'm the one with the problem. I'm the one putting my foot down and I'm the one saying it's not going to work. Am I the problem? Is my twisted upbringing tainting my perceptions? I am the problem here but I can't help but wonder if it's because I'm just not easy to please or live with. What are my expectations excluding love that he cannot live up to them?

 

I expect honesty, faithfulness, dialogue, companionship, respect, kindness, gentleness, affection, sex, laughter, sharing of interests and passions. What of that list am I getting or think I'm getting: sex, sharing of interests and passions, some affection, faithfulness. What I'm missing: dialogue, companionship, respect, kindness, gentleness, laughter and the other half of affection. I omitted the honesty one because he can't be honest with himself much less with me or anyone else.

A few weeks ago we were hanging out with a friend in his garage and I had a few beers. Not good because I babble and my secrets are not secrets anymore. So I casually made a comment about the physical abuse. How he wouldn't know if my punches would hurt because I've never laid a hand on him but that I know his hurt. Well our friend asked him really and h just avoided the question until our friend let it go.

 

The husband and I had a conversation about it afterwards because I got in trouble for making the comment and almost revealing our secret. Huh, our secret. It shouldn't happen at all much less be "our secret". Grr. Like I said, the honesty thing isn't happening with him.

 

And I'm not being honest with him by writing these blogs. When talking to him, I sugar coat the truth out of fear. I avoid telling him what is truly on my mind, how I have no hope in him or in us, how I am unable to see a future with him, how his attempts at change will never be enough to save this, that in my mind one year is one year too long. He doesn't know those things. I continue to smile, try to do what is expected of me, live a little my own way when I'm around friends or when he is gone.

I guess I didn't realize how resolved I am until just now. I just know we aren't suppose to be together. Guess my friend was right, you just know.