The Mystery of Me

I'm sitting at the library with my laptop right now. The quiet is nice. The reason for being her isn't. Our power was shut off. We live in an old home and our power bills in the winter to heat it runs about $800/mo. Insane! We obviously get behind but continue to pay as much as we can monthly on top of our regular bill. However that wasn't good enough for them and they shut us down. Took an entire paycheck to get them to turn it back on but over 24 hours later, they still haven't managed to get it back on.

Funny how things like this can be troublesome. Other than the inconvenience with food in my freezer I'm probably going to have to throw away, it really isn't a big deal and yet, I'm going crazy. Not having my usual distractions related to the internet are frustrating. Sure there are a lot of other things I could do but doing them in another thing.

I was reading in the bible today about self control. God highly recommends it and yet there are times when losing control are good. I'm not sure not having power would fall under either one of those categories but it's what popped into my head so it's what you get. :)

Anyway, I was researching self control because I'm not using "my powers" for good.  I am not using my time wisely. I waste so much on a daily basis with gaming, goofing around with my kids, reading, smoking. I could really get much more accomplished if I'd just do something. But I don't. I prefer to be a bump on a log. Is it depression? I don't think so. If I'm depressed I'm not knowing it. I think it is honestly pure laziness.

And yet when I explore that emotionally I find myself in a feeling of rebellion. But against what? What could I possibly be rebelling against by not doing anything productive? Perhaps it's the definition of productive...ya. No. I'm not productive. Perhaps its a fear of failure but that would imply that fear is the root of rebellion. Is it?

Is there a fear of something that makes a person want to push back against it? Is it fear of failure? Is it fear of succeeding? When I look into the rebellion of not doing things I find myself overwhelmed. If I was talking to my kids I would tell them to take it one step at a time. Break down the picture into little pieces... I can do that but it still doesn't explain the lack of acting on it.

For example, my hardwood floors REALLY need to be washed and steamed clean. I can do it the lazy way which means I just go around the rugs and furniture. It would take me about 10 minutes. Or I could do it the thorough way and move furniture, roll up rugs, sweep, dust and vacuum first. Obviously the first option sounds best. But I can't bring myself to do the lazy way because it won't be done right.

When I think of doing it the thorough way, I find myself making excuses like the dogs will get in the way, I can't move heavy things with my knee still healing. And of course, I just don't want to. So the question becomes, do I do it the lazy way to just get something done or do I leave it and do nothing at all until I feel like being more thorough. I usually choose the second option but I never feel like being more thorough so it hasn't happened in about a month.

I have so much time on my hands. Time that goes flitting away with each tap on a screen or click of a mouse. Time I know that I won't get back. Why isn't that enough? Why isn't it enough to know that I can do the wasting of time when I finish doing the things that should get done? Why do I feel helplessly trapped in a routine that involves nothing worthwhile and everything wasteful of time?

It's a bizarre feeling to not feel like you have control over your own life and your time. Yet, if God told me to be different I would...but I'm not asking either. Plausible deniability of sorts. My Dad working his butt off in our yard to make it look better and seem more manageable doesn't motivate me, having the house empty all day without kids when they are in school doesn't motivate me. Working and trying to balance everything at home doesn't motivate me. And again, all I feel is this undercurrent of anger and rebellion. Is there something in my past that makes me so dead set against being more productive? What or who am I hurting besides myself?

Who am I hurting besides myself...hurting...I am trying to hurt someone? The answer is yes. I have resentment somewhere that is standing in the way but I couldn't tell you at who. My standby response would be my Mom. Yet, I can not tell you why that would be.

Don't you hate it when people take phone calls in the library...GRRR!!!!

Anyway back to the point. I am angry that I have the responsibilities? Am I angry that I have to do these things? No, it doesn't seem so. But again there is definitely anger. So what is it I know...

I know that I am lazy. Not by nature though. It really cuts against my grain. Even my Dad has noticed it and mentioned it. I know that I am rebelling against something or someone and I know that I am angry. I guess I'd better pray about it because I really am not coming up with anything on my own. I need guidance because whatever I just stumbled on really needs to be taken care of. Not with self-control but with healing. I can try to control myself and my actions and force myself to do things I don't want to but we really aren't talking about self control are we? We are talking about a deeper issue that need addressing...

Good thing we don't have power I guess. It will give me a lot of time to explore it...assuming I don't find other ways to distract myself from the truth of the situation... Lol!

Amoeba Woman

I'm going away this weekend. I'm looking forward to the time alone. Its something I used to do every 3 months or so just to keep my head on straight and manage my feelings. I've never lived in a situation where I have the luxury of being okay with being vulnerable around my family. That's sad to me because it should be that way. I think of home as a sanctuary but it's not.

I am so jealous of those that get their home to be their away places. Maybe I'm delusional but I feel like I should be able to cry in front of my spouse. I should be able to break down and he will take care of the kids, house, pets, whatever it is while I'm having my "moment". I should expect to be able to cry on his shoulder and not have to fear the repercussions or have it turned around into all about him. I cannot tell you how desperately I want that. I'm actually a little pouty about it. What the hell...why hasn't it been that way?

I know why it hasn't been that way. Its because I haven't been honest with anyone around me especially not men I'm in a relationship with. Not that I don't want to be but the past has had such a hold on me, that I have been an amoeba. I change color and shape with the needs of my partner. All to make sure they stay happy. Meanwhile I'm not being true to myself. That's the kind of stuff I told H last night.

He came home from work pissed off about it too. He has every right. What he thought was genuine feelings between us was me trying to make everyone around me happy. He felt it. I didn't. He really didn't understand that before. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. I made him listen. He needs to hear me. I suppose I shouldn't care so much but I do.

I care because I want him to be okay after the divorce. Stupid right? But this is all my fault. Yes he had his issues however I have never been honest with him like I have been lately. That's because I'm figuring out who I am and liking what I am finding. Mostly anyway... But I want him to walk away knowing it wasn't him. He has issues like any of us but the core issue that makes this not work it on me. I wasn't me.

Of course then he tells me he loves me anyway, forgives me and asks if he would be so horrible to live with. I just ignore the question and change the subject. The truth is no, he wouldn't be if the changes he's made recently are real. However, as I keep telling him, what I don't know is if I'm going to be able to let go all of the crap that has happened. His actions on top of my history and left very deep wounds that will scar when they heal. I will be wounded and I don't think I can ever allow myself to be in that place of vulnerability again. At least not with him. Truthfully in therapy, I just want to be able to go there with someone sometime and as me. Not the person my parents tried to force me to be, not the person I constantly changed to be to make those around me happy, but me.

I have a friend who is insistent that he is not worth knowing. It makes me sad that he would feel that way and yet I can relate. I often wonder why people would bother with me. I'm a mess. I don't mean that in a feel sorry for me way but more in my head way. I don't see myself yet the way others see me. I know I will someday but at least that's what I'm looking for. S doesn't believe there is anything for anyone to see. I will keep praying for him.

Anyway, back to the point. The days of me being wishy-washy with who I am and what I believe in are gone. Now as I find myself, I'm going to hold on to it and if people don't like it, too bad. I like me. God doesn't make junk, and that includes me. :) It's a good day...

Leaving my fantasyland

I'm still pondering yesterday's post. I find myself totally wrapped up in all the men around me. G has  a lot of qualities I would adore in a man. So does T and even H. How delusional I am to think that the "perfect" person is out there. But am I really saying that there is a perfect person?

I don't think I am. I think I'm saying that I have preferences. And yet, I'm so messed up in the head right now I can't honestly make a sound judgment call when it comes to relationships. I do get concerned though at myself when I read yesterday's post and see how vulnerable I am. I have to be sure to keep my head out of that place or I'm going to do stupid things. No, I'm not saying with L even though I realize it could have been interpreted as me having a crush on him. It wasn't about him per se, and more about what I would want in a man.

Truthfully I shouldn't be thinking about the qualities I want in a man. I have one. If I'm looking to make my life complicated, that would be a good way to do it. I really don't. My brain cannot handle one more anxiety to process. Trust me, there wouldn't be enough legal drugs out there to manage the kind of episode it would cause. And yet I'm back to an earlier post about hope. Hope in a better future. Hope in a different life. Hope in a chance to do things right and make life the way I feel like is should be. But I can't afford that hope right now. It is that hope that has led me astray.

Even though I'm moving in a direction of independence and the chance of life being different, I cannot be distracted from healing by the hope of a rescue. I need to rescue myself. I need to be okay sharing those intimate things with my therapist and my best friend. I need to be okay as a woman without a man at her side. I need to like myself without the daily affirmation of a husband. I need to focus my energy on me and my girls. Period.

So I will wrestle back the urges to think ahead to life with a man that exists only in my head and focus on the here and now. I am blessed with beautiful and amazing children, a beautiful home, I live in a great town and community, I belong to a church that has incredible people in it, I have friends that love me like I love them. God has even blessed me with sons. :) The life I have right now is exactly where I need to be. So no more fantasy talk for now. Back to reality...and it's a good one.

Hardening Heart

I am finding that my heart is hardening. It concerns me actually. I know that if I am not humble and pliable emotionally, then I am not able to be used by God and I am not capable of forgiveness and demonstrating God's love.

I have amazing people in my life that I need to love. It isn't that I want to love although I do want to but it is a need. I need to let my team/family know I love them daily. I tell my kids. I tell my family. I tell anyone that I feel it for. It's kinda just who I am. If you know me and I consider you my friend, I tell you I love you and I try to tell you every day.

Part of me wants to tell H that I love him. Because I do love him as a friend and care about his existence. He knows where I stand. He knows that I am no longer married to him in my mind and heart. He knows that if I were to say it, it would only be because I am saying it as a friend and a demonstration of God's love. But I can't bring myself to tell him.

Perhaps it is because I don't really feel love for him but think I should. I don't know. It's a weird thing. It could be that I don't want to skew the lines that I'm drawing right now. Or maybe my heart just cannot find it's way back to the place where I can value him enough to want to love him. Again I stress this is not a romantic love but a friend love. I don't believe that we have to be enemies. I don't believe we have to be angry and bitter. I believe that we should be able to walk away from this marriage as friends and better people.

But a hardened heart doesn't make me a better person does it? I suppose in some ways it is what I need to learn how to set boundaries and take care of myself. But other than my Mom and my brother E, I cannot think of anyone else in the world that I have hardened my heart to. I genuinely love those that I don't even know very well. And yet it seems that I can add H to that list. I know why I would and yet I don't understand it. Is that even possible? To know but not understand?

I really haven't seen anyone since all this has transpired to know if this hardening I am feeling is going to transfer over into the relationships with others in my life. What if it does? What if I am shut down to my friends? To my children? To my family? What if I am no longer compelled to let those in my life know I love them because I don't feel it anymore? Not that it's an obligation but it is such a huge piece of who I am. If that were to go away I think I would have some kind of identity crisis. :)

And yet those fears are likely very irrational. You can't just stop loving altogether because you stop loving one can you? I can't imagine that would be how it would work. But then again, darkness spreads and eventually it will consume if there isn't light. I hope that my dear friends and children are the light and it keeps my heart soft. I want to love. I like to love. I need to love. Let's hope that's enough.

Broken

Well today was an interesting day. Actually it was quite normal until H got home. He came in the door, dropped to his knees in front of me, starting crying, apologized and clung to my legs as he begged me to forgive him. Normally such a display would melt me and I would start crying and everything would be okay. But I walled up and allowed some of the anger I have to surface so I could stay strong. I wasn't rude or mean but I did say that I forgive him but things aren't going to change and he will have to show me things will be different. He accepted that. Later we went for a drive to figure out the details of this new arrangement and how it was going to work.

What I wonder today is why human beings have to be broken before we can change. Why were we created to be sinners? It almost feels like a set up doesn't it? Here, you can't help but be jerks but I'll give you the capacity to love and forgive and allow you the chance to be forgiven. It's like a formula for drama. And yet, we cannot hold God responsible for the actions of human beings...or can we?

I know I can't because free will is a gift even though we choose to misuse it as humans. I'm glad I have the choice to believe or not to believe. I'm glad I have the choice to decide what I am going to, or not going to do. I'm glad that I understand sadness so I can feel joy. I am glad I can feel anxiety because it makes me appreciate peace. It's all quite a complicated yet beautiful system of action and reaction.

Yet sometimes we think we are broken but we stay the way we were. We get the forgiveness and a second, third, fourth chance and we keep messing up. I would want someone to give me multiple chances and yet I don't think I can do that anymore. I appreciate that H is trying but if this doesn't end the way he wants, then will he resent me for making him change? I'm not making him change but he feels like I am by kicking him out.

It was sad to see him so broken. I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone, even him. And yet I knew I couldn't react, couldn't respond. This battle is his and I need to stand my ground. I'm quite resolved now but even though I'm strong on the outside, I'm torn on the inside. I want to believe this is going to be good and end well...no that's not true. I really don't. I'm so jaded that I don't want this to work. I can't believe it might because if I allow that piece of hope I will be back where I was even a week or two ago...conflicted.

Even though I'm resolved I'm broken too. I hate that this is where we had to end up. I hate that I waited so long to demand respect. I hate that it took a heartbreak for him to see that maybe the way he's treated me isn't good. I hate that it is uncomfortable and awkward for our friends (well the ones that aren't oblivious). I just want to heal. I just want to be whole. I just want to be myself and no longer be ashamed of who I am. I don't think that's too much to ask but with this free will thing, it seems like a lot.

God made me to care. I love. It's what I do. I want everyone I meet or encounter or know to feel special, important and appreciated. The love I have for them is God's love. It isn't mine. I'm a weinie. But His love works through me and it's awesome. I love being used. But I can't call it used. God and I are partners. He's gives me all I need and in return I allow him to love me and put me where and when He needs me to be. It's so simple and yet so gratifying. If for no other reason than I feel like I have a purpose. My purpose is only to serve God and the rest works itself out. It's quite remarkable. Another very cool system God has put in place.

What strikes me most about it is that He can still work with us when we are broken. That's why I can't totally discount what H said tonight. God might be able to work in him. This marriage might be able to be saved or maybe not. Even if H and I don't stay married, H will be a better person as will I. Nothing bad will come of this if I can keep my eyes focused on Christ and continue to be true to my heart and myself. I want to believe that. I have to believe that.

So I guess I'll stay in brokenness and hope that H stays broken too so God can put us both back together the way we are supposed to be whether that is together or apart.

Here we go again

I'm not going to get into all the details but yesterday was a Wow day for me. He asked me out on a date. We went for sushi. The girls were upset about it because earlier in the week we were overdrawn and he said the oldest living at home couldn't get her hair and nails done for prom today but he had money to take me out. They commented on how he's horrible with money management and then pressed me on how much longer this was going to go on. They asked me when I was going to kick him out so we could live differently. I struggled with this so much. Mama Bear wants to jump in and yet I'm the parent and there are boundaries that I need to respect. I listened to them vent, my heart breaking, then I told them I understood their frustrations, that I felt it too but we are still married and you don't just walk away from a marriage. They of course didn't understand and are so miserable seeing me miserable that they just want a release.

Regardless of their feelings, we went out. I was quiet and he asked what was up. I told him I was still processing from Thursday's therapy and he asked what I was processing. I'm sure he wishes now he wouldn't have asked because I told him. I told him about Mama Bear. How I need to start following my instincts to not only protect the kids but also protect myself. How I need to treat myself better and that I cannot allow him or anyone else to manipulate my feelings so I step away from what I instinctually know is right. Well that turned into a pissing fight with him. I keep telling him it wasn't specifically about him, it is my feelings and what I'm dealing with but he saw it as a personal attack. So I went there.

Over the course of dinner we discussed how I feel controlled, how the kids aren't happy, how I'm not happy and how he isn't happy. I told him I still fear him and am waiting for the next time he will go off on me physically. I told him how I am weary of not being able to be myself. He wanted examples so I gave them. Then he told me he was tired because I snore. That he was unhappy because I won't let him take a mortgage out on the house so he can't fix anything. He said he was unhappy because I am not the woman he married.

I agreed with him (except the snoring part), and told him the woman he married was compliant, was willing to sacrifice everything for the acceptance of a man. She was a woman influenced by her parents and shamed into a relationship that I didn't want. She is someone who is disappearing and the real me is coming out. But it feels that every time she starts to come out she is condemned. He said it's my fault because I don't tell him that's what I'm doing. I told him it shouldn't matter so now we are left face to face staring at each other across an invisible line. In or out and he's left it up to me.

I don't know why but I wasn't able to just say it. "Leave and lets try this from afar." So once we got home, my girlfriend K invited me over. Much to his annoyance I left to hang out with her. After telling her about the last week and a half she said it's like I keep getting signs from God that this needs to end. I had to agree. It does. But I don't want to be rash or reactive and yet here I am head to head with him and not having the courage to say the words I need to say.

I get home and he snatches my cell phone from my hands and says "are you going to pay for this?", he tells me that I would be nothing without him. That I am going to have to go and because he pays for everything around here and if I don't want him then I don't get the stuff either. I corrected him and reminded him that he didn't pay for this house, my Dad did and it's mine. I reminded him that I don't give a crap about stuff and he can take his Lexus and leave. He asked if that's what I really wanted and of course, rather than telling him yes I had to give him reasons. I just want him to agree with me that this is making all of us unhappy. But he won't agree. He won't acknowledge his unhappiness affects the entire household. He honestly believes that if I would just go back to the woman he married, that this will work out and we will be happy. I cannot get him to understand that I cannot live like that anymore. I take that back, I refuse to live like that anymore.

So the fight is over, we climb into bed and he asks me if he should look for a place to live. I told him I didn't know and rolled over to go to sleep. ANOTHER chance that I could have told him to go and I didn't. Am I just a chicken shit? I mean really. I had an evening to be able to say enough and I didn't. But I didn't coddle him either which is my normal routine. That made him mad too. He expected me to, I could see it in his face. He used his usual tactics to make it about him and make me feel sorry for him. But I didn't allow myself to go there this time. I could have, and I wanted to but I kept telling myself no this time. It's about me and my feelings and I'm protecting my kids and myself. This is okay. I don't have to make peace. So I didn't and for that I'm glad about. A step in the right direction despite the turmoil it caused in my marriage.

I think I know the ending of this story but God has a way of turning thing around so I'm going to give it this weekend to see what happens here. Will this zit that is growing pop or will it heal and become a part of the face? It's gonna be a strange one to see if he budges because I'm on my side already and the kids are with me. He can join us or not. But as he said to my Dad 8 years ago, "I'm not going to wait forever".

Mama Bear

Not even sure where to start. Had therapy today. It was good as always. I told him about my dad's comments this week, about how the girls have been feeling about H. He complimented me on the work I have been doing, trying to apply what I'm discovering and making positive changes. However that made me feel very, very uncomfortable. After exploring it a little bit, I recognized it as shame and fear of vulnerability. Both of which I have learned from a young age.

 

I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be recognized for the good things. I can more easily accept a criticism over a compliment any day of the week. I have a hard time believing that I would or could possibly have done or been something worth acknowledging, much less complimenting. It's all a part of not trusting myself. I know my compass is messed up right now and it's difficult for me to know what's ok. I got to ask questions about scenarios and things which was really good to hear the take of someone who is on the outside. One of the best parts of our session was that I can trust mama bear. I know how to love, be supportive, nurture, edify and encourage. I know how to protect. I don't know how to do it for myself and I have not been doing it for my kids with H.

 

They are my kids. He is good with them usually but since he's been trying to be patient with me and accept me, he's been critical of them and impatient. Even tonight at the dinner table, the little one whispered something to her sister that H didn't hear and wasn't meant to, and he snapped at her. What was the problem? I wouldn't normally confront it and be passive about it but I need to stop doing that and start asserting boundaries. I also need to stop reacting to his feelings and taking responsibility for them. How he reacts is his. Not mine and certainly not the kids. So mama bear needs to guide me for a while.

 

When I get that urge to protect them, I will. I also will learn to protect myself because helping them is helping me. It will give me a foundation of growth I can build on and start living a life without being so easily controlled and manipulated because I have a big heart. It also will give me the ability to recognize it sooner, set those boundaries from the beginning and start living a life that I know is healthy for the girls and myself.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes. I love the movement. I love seeing how the girls are opening up, there is more joy, they aren't afraid to be themselves as much because mama bear is back. I know exactly when she left and I should have let things fall as they were going to back then. But I didn't, I put mama away and became the good little girl I was told to be. No more world! Mama bear is back!