Anyway, as I've been kicking around the possibilities of divorce I've really struggled. I know what makes me happy and yet I continue to sacrifice and give up who I am to keep the peace. I am so F-ing tired of keeping the peace. Not that I want to pick up a gun and go to the post office but I want a voice. I want to matter. I want my heart to be known and my choices to reflect who I am. Not who I am with. I know that I am smart, pretty, funny, charismatic, kind, loving, nurturing, giving, gifted, intelligent and good. Yet, none of those things seem to matter when I am making decisions that involve other people in my life. I figure I have sacrificed myself this long, why complicate my life with changing that now.
However I feel as it that change would be simplifying my life. I am a simple person. I want very little and can handle life with less. I've instilled that in my kids as well and they are totally fine when the power goes out and we have to live without electronics and appliances. Last summer, our power was out for 3 days. Outside of my husband pissing and moaning constantly, it was the best days of that season. My girls and I would play Uno and other games outside on the deck until the sun went down. We had bonfires and the laughter...oh my goodness!!! Let me tell you, my kids are so funny together. One is witty and a smart-ass, the other a drama queen and the other is what I like to call a "bomber". She's quiet most the time but when she throws out something in the mix, you are on the floor laughing. Another one is random and takes the conversation to new and strange places. It is a fabulous time! Anyway we know that all we really need is each other which is a huge deal as I am processing how divorced life might go.
I don't work right now so I'd have to find an entry level job somewhere with flexible hours that will allow me to work when the kids are at school. That's ideal. Yet the oldest at home is 18 and the youngest is 12 so I could honestly work anytime. They can handle cooking and homework and errands and such. The 15 year old has her permit and can also help with driving if need be. The 19 year old only lives about 5 miles away and she and her boyfriend could easily help if I end up needing to work in the afternoons and evenings. I've also considered overnights somewhere as I can sleep during the day, be home for dinner and then go to work while they are sleeping. Some days that sounds like the best option but that's not really an option if I hope to have some kind of life when I'm not working...some kind of life...wonder what that means.
I love the idea of casual dating. Cringe at the idea of marriage. Not that I'm a slut and want to sleep around or anything. Just love people and tend to get along better with men. That's because my Mom and I didn't really see eye-to-eye (yes I'm minimizing the relationship dynamics). But I like meeting new people. Problem arises back in the first blog where everyone falls in love with me; man or woman. Hmm...I could even explore bi-sexuality if I wanted. Lol, I don't really want to but I could. That's kinda cool. Anyway, I would want to casually date. Have friends to hang out with. I wonder if the friends we have now would need to pick sides. I would hope not. But they might. I don't really want to lose the friends I have because I don't have many. I know a lot of people but not many are my friends. It's just safer that way. I can't fail to measure up to expectations if I don't have a lot of friends.
This life on my own would be lonely. I would miss having an adult in the house with me. But that can be solved with a roommate if I needed the extra money. I like the idea of sleeping in my bed all by myself!!! Wohoo! No more blaming for his bad nights sleep. I don't have to sleep with one eye open to make sure I don't hog the bed or take the covers or whatever insane complaint he has. I'd have to have a firmer hand with the dogs or they will run me over. But that's okay. If I can handle taking 21 high school boys and girls on a road trip for 10 days then the dogs are nothing to worry about.
Sex. Hmm...Not real sure about this one. I don't masturbate. Makes me feel guilty (yes more upbringing crap). And I would need a release here and there. Guess I'd need to get on birth control and find me a FWB. Lol! I really don't want a committed relationship. That might mean I give up sex. That wouldn't be my first choice but one I'm willing to make. That's going to have to be another wondering topic...people that would willingly give up sex...but I digress.
Okay, so I covered finances, dating, sex. How would I feel? Ugh. I hate this question. I have a friend who will ask me "Are you okay?". I cannot tell you how agitated I get with that question. He means it well but I feel like it is a personal attack. As if somehow I'm not okay. Did I give him the idea I wasn't okay? Am I being so transparent that you can see that I'm really not? Because I'm not okay. I grieve the idea of failing at another marriage. Even though it was an arranged marriage of sorts, it still feels like a failure and a disappointment. I feel like I would be creating trust issues for my kids and men. I feel like I'd be handing myself a life-sentence of solitary. And even though I'm an introvert, the idea of being alone my whole life does not make me happy. I feel guilty for stringing him along for 7 years when I knew from the beginning I shouldn't have been married in the first place. I get angry that I have wasted more of my life doing what someone else told me to. I resent being in this position where I look like the bad guy because I'm the only one who has a problem with this.
And yet, my 18 year old has come up to me and said, "Mom, I know you're not happy. Don't stop fighting for what you know is right". Wow, out of the mouths of babes. If I knew that my kids would be okay, I'd file for divorce today. But I don't really want to talk to them about it because I don't know if it's going to happen. I might just make another decision to continue to focus on what I have to do instead of what I want to do. Then I create fear in them that I didn't need to. However he's not any of their biological dads so it isn't like we would need to do custody and stuff. I'm sure I'd have to get used to seeing him here and there because they do love him and I believe they would still want to spend time with him on occasion. Then again, they may not. The extent of his damage may go further than I realize. I hope not but the likelihood of it is pretty good. I've chosen to turn a blind eye to a lot. Its the only way I've been able to make it this far. But I can't handle the dishonesty of all of that. Let me tell you, ignorance is bliss. There's another blog for another day.
Maintenance on the house and cars and other things, I'm not really concerned with. I have great friends and my Dad will help too. Quite frankly, I like to fix and repair stuff. I like the idea of putting up my own trim or fixing windows, painting, staining, refinishing floors. It would be mine and my way. That's an incredible relief for me. No more worrying about what he might want. I can have petal pink in my kitchen and it would be okay!
After all of this, I wonder though if my generally positive outlook is burning me. Countless times I have found myself in over my head because I was too optimistic. Had I looked more closely, I could have predicted the outcome of many of those situations. I guess I had better ponder more on this and make sure I am fully aware and understand what may happen.
Gotta go, the dogs are barking. There's someone at the door.
Until next time...
