It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Wouldn't it be nice to live in a place where Mr. Rogers lives? A place where cats give sound advice, doctors live in tree houses and a little train talks to you? Sounds like a cool place to be. But here is cool too. Especially when the weather is as beautiful as it is.
I love the sun. I love water too. And fire... Guess I love it all. But the sun seems to help when you're crying on the inside. It makes you realize there is a new day, a more positive future, a happiness in store for you. Even if we don't know what it is, the sun reminds us to smile.
I love to smile, to laugh. I'm doing so much more now. The girls and I have so much fun together. I know H feels like crap because we don't include him but he refuses to leave so he gets what he gets. Not to be a bitch or anything but he's torturing himself. We have fun and that's ok. We don't rub his nose in it but we don't hide anymore either.
I told him today how they have been feeling. How they have seen the way he has treated their Mom, how they want him gone too, how they are hoping this marriage is over, how he has been a jerk to them too and it isn't just me that he's going to have to make amends with. I think that took him by surprise.
He honestly didn't realize how much they had seen and experienced. When the girls and I got back from a fun afternoon, he was sitting in a chair on the deck with a forlorn look on his face. I asked him what was up. He said this whole thing could have been different if he had just listened sooner. He may not have lost everything if he had not been so arrogant. That was good to hear.
He's right. It could have been different if he had earned my heart. But he didn't. He took it. He got a ring on me and took me for a ride. My friend asked me to think back to the beginning. Did I love him? Was I eager to spend every moment with him? Did I want to jump his bones every chance I got because I thought he was the sexiest thing on two legs? Was my heart empty without him near? I wish I could say yes but I can't. I was resistant from the beginning. I didn't even want to date much less get married again.
After my last divorce, I wanted to heal. Much like now. I wanted to be alone. I looked forward to the challenge of it and the time with my girls while they were still in the house. I wanted a clean start. And I was broken. Oh so broken. I tear up thinking about how broken and vulnerable I actually was. I wish I would have trusted myself. I wish I would not have let my parents guilt and shame me. I wish I would have taken the time I needed. But I didn't. I went along with the flow assuming my parents knew what was best for me. Wow, was I wrong. But so were they.
No one wins in a divorce. It hurts everyone. The exes, the kids, the families, the friends. Absolutely everyone is affected. Amazing the ripple effect of this kind of life changing event. But some of those ripples can be good if allowed. He can have a better future. I can have a better future. The married friends in our life can see this as a chance to remind their spouses how good they are and thank God for the relationship they have. The kids get their Mom as she was intended to be thus having more peace and security. It can be good. I hope it is.
I hope that his recent realizations help him to see he needs to leave. I really don't want to get the police involved. I hope his understanding and apparent acceptance that this is over, will motivate him to walk away with dignity instead of fighting for something that isn't mutually there. I hope we can do this as friends and not get stuck in a legal battle over stuff and possessions. In Mr. Rogers Neighborhood we could. But that's not where we are...are we?
