Summer Vacation

It's the last week of school and the kids are getting excited. They are bouncing off the walls eagerly awaiting the first day of summer so they can sleep in. Remember those days? I do. The rumbling through the halls with sparks of joy and anticipation as you barely focus on the task at hand to get through one more day of school. It was a fun time!

My little one isn't very proficient in math. It isn't that she doesn't try, it's that she just doesn't get it. Yet we live in a district where she is expected as a 6th grader to know 7th grade math. Because she passed with average scores, she is expected to take an extra math class next year to get her caught up to other kids in her grade...but those kids are already over-achieving. What she is looking forward to the most about summer is that she doesn't have to be constantly reminded that she isn't as good as her peers.

Why do we do that? Are we teaching our kids to compare themselves to other?. To try to compete and measure up instead of teaching them to do their best and try hard. Has it always been that way in the schools?

I never had trouble in school. I aced college; was on the deans list and carried an 3.7 GPA. In middle school and high school, I didn't have to try to do well and was in most of the advanced classes. And yet, somehow I still didn't measure up either. There was always a grade higher, there was always a better option, there was always...perfection. I even challenged myself to see how many things I could letter in during my high school career. I wanted to sport a covered letter jacket and I did. I lettered in academics, fine arts, track, gymnastics, swimming, diving, dance-line, cheerleading, volleyball, tennis, and softball. Never could pick up golf and I didn't like to compete in long races although I did like to run long distances but that was an escape from home. I could do that on week nights when I wasn't allowed to do anything else. Anyway...

Now as an adult I realize that perfection is not possible and yet I still struggle with not being good enough. If I understand that perfections isn't possible because I am a flawed human being, then why  should I be striving to live a life without mistakes? Why can't I accept that I don't have to look like others? Why do I feel guilty that I hold a PhD and yet do nothing with it? Why do I feel shame in staying home with my kids instead of pursuing a lofty career? I assume public perception is that I failed college, I wasn't smart enough to have a career, that having babies and being home with the kids is the only chance I had at having a normal life. Is that really how it is? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Despite what society says, I still have my issues with being worthy. I am not worthy of love, I am not worthy of justice, I am not worthy of attention, I am not worthy of care. I must earn those things and if I don't earn them, I cannot expect or assume that anyone is going to care about me. Even as I type that I find myself shaking my head in disbelief. It is so ass-backwards. My thinking is so distorted. But is it? I look at my daughter struggling and wonder if it is all me. Perhaps it isn't. Perhaps the unspoken messages that are drifting around the world are that I must be better. That I need to make a bunch of money, that I need to drive fancy cars and wear lots of diamonds. Maybe the messages are that you are not worthy or good enough so you need to spend a lot more time and money on vacations, on stuff, on college and careers. Maybe the messages are that you must be within the government guidelines of height and weight to be healthy, happy.

Maybe those messages are wrong...and if they are. Then what? How does a person look beyond the stresses of the world and see their strengths? How does a person look in the mirror and feel worthy with all the ways they don't measure up? How does a person say to themselves, "I'm a mess" and still feel good about themselves?

The answer is God and yet even His grace is tough to accept at times. Yet if I can accept His grace and offer that same grace to myself...then life is going to always feel like a summer vacation.

I'm okay with that. :)

Amoeba Woman

I'm going away this weekend. I'm looking forward to the time alone. Its something I used to do every 3 months or so just to keep my head on straight and manage my feelings. I've never lived in a situation where I have the luxury of being okay with being vulnerable around my family. That's sad to me because it should be that way. I think of home as a sanctuary but it's not.

I am so jealous of those that get their home to be their away places. Maybe I'm delusional but I feel like I should be able to cry in front of my spouse. I should be able to break down and he will take care of the kids, house, pets, whatever it is while I'm having my "moment". I should expect to be able to cry on his shoulder and not have to fear the repercussions or have it turned around into all about him. I cannot tell you how desperately I want that. I'm actually a little pouty about it. What the hell...why hasn't it been that way?

I know why it hasn't been that way. Its because I haven't been honest with anyone around me especially not men I'm in a relationship with. Not that I don't want to be but the past has had such a hold on me, that I have been an amoeba. I change color and shape with the needs of my partner. All to make sure they stay happy. Meanwhile I'm not being true to myself. That's the kind of stuff I told H last night.

He came home from work pissed off about it too. He has every right. What he thought was genuine feelings between us was me trying to make everyone around me happy. He felt it. I didn't. He really didn't understand that before. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. I made him listen. He needs to hear me. I suppose I shouldn't care so much but I do.

I care because I want him to be okay after the divorce. Stupid right? But this is all my fault. Yes he had his issues however I have never been honest with him like I have been lately. That's because I'm figuring out who I am and liking what I am finding. Mostly anyway... But I want him to walk away knowing it wasn't him. He has issues like any of us but the core issue that makes this not work it on me. I wasn't me.

Of course then he tells me he loves me anyway, forgives me and asks if he would be so horrible to live with. I just ignore the question and change the subject. The truth is no, he wouldn't be if the changes he's made recently are real. However, as I keep telling him, what I don't know is if I'm going to be able to let go all of the crap that has happened. His actions on top of my history and left very deep wounds that will scar when they heal. I will be wounded and I don't think I can ever allow myself to be in that place of vulnerability again. At least not with him. Truthfully in therapy, I just want to be able to go there with someone sometime and as me. Not the person my parents tried to force me to be, not the person I constantly changed to be to make those around me happy, but me.

I have a friend who is insistent that he is not worth knowing. It makes me sad that he would feel that way and yet I can relate. I often wonder why people would bother with me. I'm a mess. I don't mean that in a feel sorry for me way but more in my head way. I don't see myself yet the way others see me. I know I will someday but at least that's what I'm looking for. S doesn't believe there is anything for anyone to see. I will keep praying for him.

Anyway, back to the point. The days of me being wishy-washy with who I am and what I believe in are gone. Now as I find myself, I'm going to hold on to it and if people don't like it, too bad. I like me. God doesn't make junk, and that includes me. :) It's a good day...

Mr. Rogers Neighborhood

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Wouldn't it be nice to live in a place where Mr. Rogers lives? A place where cats give sound advice, doctors live in tree houses and a little train talks to you? Sounds like a cool place to be. But here is cool too. Especially when the weather is as beautiful as it is.

I love the sun. I love water too. And fire... Guess I love it all. But the sun seems to help when you're crying on the inside. It makes you realize there is a new day, a more positive future, a happiness in store for you. Even if we don't know what it is, the sun reminds us to smile.

I love to smile, to laugh. I'm doing so much more now. The girls and I have so much fun together. I know H feels like crap because we don't include him but he refuses to leave so he gets what he gets. Not to be a bitch or anything but he's torturing himself. We have fun and that's ok. We don't rub his nose in it but we don't hide anymore either.

I told him today how they have been feeling. How they have seen the way he has treated their Mom, how they want him gone too, how they are hoping this marriage is over, how he has been a jerk to them too and it isn't just me that he's going to have to make amends with. I think that took him by surprise.

He honestly didn't realize how much they had seen and experienced. When the girls and I got back from a fun afternoon, he was sitting in a chair on the deck with a forlorn look on his face. I asked him what was up. He said this whole thing could have been different if he had just listened sooner. He may not have lost everything if he had not been so arrogant. That was good to hear.

He's right. It could have been different if he had earned my heart. But he didn't. He took it. He got a ring on me and took me for a ride. My friend asked me to think back to the beginning. Did I love him? Was I eager to spend every moment with him? Did I want to jump his bones every chance I got because I thought he was the sexiest thing on two legs? Was my heart empty without him near? I wish I could say yes but I can't. I was resistant from the beginning. I didn't even want to date much less get married again.

After my last divorce, I wanted to heal. Much like now. I wanted to be alone. I looked forward to the challenge of it and the time with my girls while they were still in the house. I wanted a clean start. And I was broken. Oh so broken. I tear up thinking about how broken and vulnerable I actually was. I wish I would have trusted myself. I wish I would not have let my parents guilt and shame me. I wish I would have taken the time I needed. But I didn't. I went along with the flow assuming my parents knew what was best for me. Wow, was I wrong. But so were they.

No one wins in a divorce. It hurts everyone. The exes, the kids, the families, the friends. Absolutely everyone is affected. Amazing the ripple effect of this kind of life changing event. But some of those ripples can be good if allowed. He can have a better future. I can have a better future. The married friends in our life can see this as a chance to remind their spouses how good they are and thank God for the relationship they have. The kids get their Mom as she was intended to be thus having more peace and security. It can be good. I hope it is.

I hope that his recent realizations help him to see he needs to leave. I really don't want to get the police involved. I hope his understanding and apparent acceptance that this is over, will motivate him to walk away with dignity instead of fighting for something that isn't mutually there. I hope we can do this as friends and not get stuck in a legal battle over stuff and possessions. In Mr. Rogers Neighborhood we could. But that's not where we are...are we?