Storms

H and I had a really good talk tonight. He's accepting of the separation. He's not leaving but he's aware of our relationship status and that there are no guarantees. I laid it all out for him. All those things that's I've avoided saying so I didn't hurt him were said. All those secrets I've kept about the things that have hurt me over the years. He said it was like they all just came from nowhere. I'm sure it felt that way.

I finally said enough and now the dust is settling. I had been blinded by the life we were in. It was a whirlwind of emotion, abuse, anger, resentment but now that the twister has gone, we can see what damage has been done and what we are going to need to do to make it right.

There are some things that can be repaired. Things that were annoyances that are easy to compromise on. Things that in many cases, I took personally but weren't meant that way at all. I can tell him my feelings were hurt, accept an apology, forgive and move on.

Other things can be rebuilt. We can learn to be friends again. We can find common ground and take it from there. We can build on the foundation of God's love as brother and sister in Christ.

But some things are going to have to be replaced. What that is has yet to be determined. Some things just aren't worth investing time and energy into. Some things are. Some things have been destroyed by the storm to the degree that there is no choice but to buy a new one.

Buy. Huh what an interesting thought. Another way to say it would be invest. What is it we will invest in? Will we invest in a life together or a life apart? Will we invest in a marriage or friendship? I say we but truth is it's me. What am I willing to invest in?

He's already said he wants to invest in our home, our marriage, our future. You think I'd be happy to hear that but I'm not. You would think as a wife I'm relieved and glad but I'm not. I'm mortified at the idea. I do not believe he is worth investing anymore time in. Wait, I believe he is. I don't believe the marriage is. Because as long as he's in my face, I'm not going to be able to forgive. He thinks I can so he stays. He has been told otherwise by not just me but he refuses to listen. Then he also chooses the consequences.

Time will tell. One of the good things we talked about was the house. It is mine. He won't take it from me he said. I'm going to make him prove it by transferring the deed into my name only and signing a legal doc saying he won't but I'm hoping that he will stay true to his word. So that's one less thing I'm going to worry about as we settle in after the storm.

One thing about storms is that everything has been washed clean. It is fresh and the world rejuvenates. Once the dust settles and the clouds disappear, we get to start again. In the meantime, it's time for me to take inventory and decide what is going to need to be repaired, rebuilt, and replaced.

Mr. Rogers Neighborhood

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Wouldn't it be nice to live in a place where Mr. Rogers lives? A place where cats give sound advice, doctors live in tree houses and a little train talks to you? Sounds like a cool place to be. But here is cool too. Especially when the weather is as beautiful as it is.

I love the sun. I love water too. And fire... Guess I love it all. But the sun seems to help when you're crying on the inside. It makes you realize there is a new day, a more positive future, a happiness in store for you. Even if we don't know what it is, the sun reminds us to smile.

I love to smile, to laugh. I'm doing so much more now. The girls and I have so much fun together. I know H feels like crap because we don't include him but he refuses to leave so he gets what he gets. Not to be a bitch or anything but he's torturing himself. We have fun and that's ok. We don't rub his nose in it but we don't hide anymore either.

I told him today how they have been feeling. How they have seen the way he has treated their Mom, how they want him gone too, how they are hoping this marriage is over, how he has been a jerk to them too and it isn't just me that he's going to have to make amends with. I think that took him by surprise.

He honestly didn't realize how much they had seen and experienced. When the girls and I got back from a fun afternoon, he was sitting in a chair on the deck with a forlorn look on his face. I asked him what was up. He said this whole thing could have been different if he had just listened sooner. He may not have lost everything if he had not been so arrogant. That was good to hear.

He's right. It could have been different if he had earned my heart. But he didn't. He took it. He got a ring on me and took me for a ride. My friend asked me to think back to the beginning. Did I love him? Was I eager to spend every moment with him? Did I want to jump his bones every chance I got because I thought he was the sexiest thing on two legs? Was my heart empty without him near? I wish I could say yes but I can't. I was resistant from the beginning. I didn't even want to date much less get married again.

After my last divorce, I wanted to heal. Much like now. I wanted to be alone. I looked forward to the challenge of it and the time with my girls while they were still in the house. I wanted a clean start. And I was broken. Oh so broken. I tear up thinking about how broken and vulnerable I actually was. I wish I would have trusted myself. I wish I would not have let my parents guilt and shame me. I wish I would have taken the time I needed. But I didn't. I went along with the flow assuming my parents knew what was best for me. Wow, was I wrong. But so were they.

No one wins in a divorce. It hurts everyone. The exes, the kids, the families, the friends. Absolutely everyone is affected. Amazing the ripple effect of this kind of life changing event. But some of those ripples can be good if allowed. He can have a better future. I can have a better future. The married friends in our life can see this as a chance to remind their spouses how good they are and thank God for the relationship they have. The kids get their Mom as she was intended to be thus having more peace and security. It can be good. I hope it is.

I hope that his recent realizations help him to see he needs to leave. I really don't want to get the police involved. I hope his understanding and apparent acceptance that this is over, will motivate him to walk away with dignity instead of fighting for something that isn't mutually there. I hope we can do this as friends and not get stuck in a legal battle over stuff and possessions. In Mr. Rogers Neighborhood we could. But that's not where we are...are we?

Time to amputate

Funny, I just wrote a blog not more than a few hours ago. Odd how things can change in the blink of an eye. After I blogged, I was looking for a pic to go with it and noticed IE telling me there had been some visits so a key blogger site. I check them out and decide to search the computer. Wow. So glad I did.

I found H had downloaded it. He has been spying on me. I have nothing to hide except the feelings I write in my blog but even then, they don't have to be hidden. I choose for them to remain hidden. He was at work so I called him but he didn't answer so I sent him texts. I confronted him on it and he told me it was because of our daughter. He was worried about her and then he apologized for not telling me. I called him a liar. Then he admitted he lied to me. He has been watching me. He thinks I've been having an affair and he's been trying to catch me. I told him he could keep trying but the only thing I have to hide is my blog and he could see it if he wants. It will only hurt him to read it. Not me.

I was furious. What an ahole. I mean really. Once we finally got to talk about it, he told me it was my fault that he's trying to control me because I don't confront him when he's being a douche. Yup. My fault he can't keep his hands to himself. My fault that I've allowed him to make me his emotional punching bag. My fault he is rapidly losing control of me.

Some of those I imagine are true. I should have said something. I should have not put up with it. I shouldn't have allowed this all to happen. But I did. Now I'm trying to change it and he thinks I'm not trying. Ugh. WTF!

So I tell him to leave, we are over. This is the final straw. I refuse to be subjected to this any longer. He tells me he won't go. I can buy him out of the house but it's all half his. Now that pissed me off even more. Besides a couch and a fridge, everything else has been given to us by my family. Oh wait, he purchased the dishes set. But whatever. I asked him if he's going to kick the kids and I out and he said no, that would be my choice. If I want to go, I'm free to go but he's not. Wow. I reminded him of the gifts and he says they were meant for him too and just because hes been a jerk doesn't mean he deserves to lose it all. Huh. I beg to differ. If he had purchased it, he can have it. But my family stuff is mine.

Yet at the same time. He can have the fucking stuff. I'm so done. So tomorrow I go get a job, start looking for an apartment, collecting boxes and packing. We are gone. The girls want him gone too. They aren't going to be happy about moving anymore than I am but if he wants his stuff, he can have it. I'm not asking for stuff. I want respect. I want care. I want love.

He tells me that I need to give it one more shot. I asked him what that meant and he tells me that should come from a 3rd party. So he's suggesting marriage counseling again. When I asked him why he didn't take it seriously the first time we did it for 18 months he said he didn't know. Then I ask him why this is different and he says because he will listen now. Fuck that. I highly doubt it but ok. Whatever. Then I say, and if it doesn't work then what? He says we walk away friends.

Interesting thought. Because right now I'm sure I cannot be his friend. Selfish SOB can kiss my ass. But what do I have to lose? Nothing I haven't already. All I care about it me and my kids. So whatever. Of course I have to point out as we are talking, he's sitting at the dinner table letting me wait on him like he's a fucking king. And I just can't believe he is so arrogant he cannot hear the bullshit coming out of his mouth or see that he still allows me to service him, he expects it, it's normal and how it should be. That's the problem. He and I don't see eye to eye on what a marriage is.

Part of me wants to go find some guy to fuck and parade it around in front of him. He's already convinced I'm a slut so why not be one and give him what he wants? Then I get what I want too. An out. He wouldn't tolerate that and it would be over but I have this fear of losing friends, family and whomever because it's not how I would normally behave. I suppose I shouldn't care but I do. I will not make it through this without my friends. I cannot jeopardize them. Although I could sleep with someone I don't have feelings for and not care at all how it affects him. I'm just that mad. But what would it do to me?

It would hurt me. I'm better than that. I'm not that type of person. I might be curious and adventurous but I'm not irresponsible. Yet the kids want him gone, I want him gone and he refuses to go. I just don't know how many more chances I have for him. I have none. But can I find one for this to end amicably? I don't know. He's asking for one more. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that over the last decade. Then it's my fault for not standing up to him. I'm in a lose, lose situation and there is nothing I can do about it. It sucks. So why do I hold on to any assemblence of integrity when I can't walk away with any? Even when this goes south, he will tell people he thought I was cheating. It's the second time I've been accused of that. How do I know he hadn't been and that's why he's so sure I am. Whatever. Not worth more of my time.

But this is over. From killing hamsters to policing me like a cross eyed psycho stalker, this man is sick and I want no part of it. There is no bandaid big enough to cover the wound in me now. Too bad. Two weeks ago I actually started to believe it could work. Now it's time to cut this part off and learn how to live alone.

Handcuffs

H has been working nights. It's awful and the only reason is because he's super clingy. I can't do anything without him following me around. Don't get me wrong, the company is nice but I see the way he looks at me and I know he wants more from me. Makes me very uncomfortable and I feel very unsafe. Especially when he tells me he's having trouble keeping it in his pants. I told him to go find a clean FWB. But he doesn't want to.

I find myself missing sex too but not with him. I don't know if it's because it's him and I'm angry or if it's because I want to screw around on my husband. Ugh. I even hate the sound of that. Husband and wife. It's like a curse for a lifetime of critiques, scrutiny and servitude. Ouch. I know it's not suppose to be like that.

H tells me he remembers all the good times and asks if I do. I ask him if he remembers the bad. He says not really because it was all him. Exactly. I remember good times. But there are a lot more bad memories. He tells me I need to focus on the good ones but he doesn't realize that they are good because I was being "good". I did what was expected of me to keep the peace. I did what I knew what would make him happy. It wasn't what I wanted, what I would have enjoyed....except for the art museum.

That was fun for me. But I had to stick by him. When I left his side he got pissy with me. But that's who I am. If I see something that interests me, my instinct is to go check it out. Not stand from afar and look. Or wait for him to get there. That's the child like heart in me that I love to nurture and constantly stuff in a box for him. Even now.

I have to fight the urge to be reckless. I'm trying so hard to do things right. But in my head and heart I wrestle. The immorality of a divorce plagues my thoughts. I can make this work if H stays how he has been... Outside of the occasional slip. But do I want to? No. I don't. I know I don't. But should I? Should I keep in this marriage because it is manageable? Is that what God would want?

Then on the other hand, when researching marriage, God intended it to be an example of Christ's love and relationship with his people. God being represented by the man and how he treats his wife and the wife representing his people and how we should respond to God's love. I have the privilege of knowing a couple who do that better than anyone I've ever known. Otherwise, the world appears to be stuck in a rut of what it expected and what they really want or need. Like me.

I know I've said I'd never get married again. Honestly that's not true. I would. I want to be in love. I want to be in a relationship that goes two ways. I want to find a man that sees me for who I am and doesn't want to change, fix or help me but wants to live it with me. That's all. I just want a companion. Someone to play music with, someone to putz on the yard with, someone to have bonfires, drink a few beers, go for a run with, hang out with friends with, laugh with, eat with, sleep with. I want to be with a man who sees my service as a gift and is grateful, not take advantage of. I want a man who I trust with every horrible memory and every tear drop.

It would certainly help with my healing to have someone to share with that I trusted completely and didn't turn it around and make it about him. A man who would let me be there for him as well, that would let me hold him when he needed it and let me hear his heart and his memories. Someone I could relate to; has smilar growing up experiences as well as the same issues in their marriage. I don't know. God knows though. I just know what I think.

Can I trust my thinking? I don't know. Perhaps. I'd like to think I'm doing ok but maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm still seeing through the eyes of a wounded child who is desperate for love. Real love. Not sex. Not abuse. Not control but love. And yet if I found it, would I be able to stay in that place?

I don't know. If I was K and G was my husband, I'd struggle with being worthy of the kind of love he has for me. His love is so selfless, kind, gentle, passionate, and pure. It would take me time to adjust and trust someone like that. But I'd love the chance to try it.

Sometimes I think my guy friend L would be a good fit for me. Like he was introduced to our group while I was gone for that reason. There is no other way I would have met him. But he is also friends with H so that could never happen. And I wouldn't want to jeopardize our team by messing with that dynamic. But I think it's the idea of him. He's so non judgemental, he's kind, he is fun and silly, he's friends with my friends, he knows abuse and control. He also has a lot of the same interests as me so it would be easy to be friends with him when husband and wife wasn't going so well. But again, probably not him specifically but a person like him. Then again God does strange things. L can feel me when I'm close. That's so weird.

I have to tell you about this. I took my daughter driving and we ended up turning around at the end of his driveway. His driveway is long so he didnt know we had done that. It was 850 pm. The next day he emails and says he was thinking about me the evening before. I mention we were at the end of his driveway just before 9 and he freaks out because it was the exact time and it was overwhelming for him. Talk about strange. I feel people all the time, like their emotions but not proximity like that. I wouldn't be able to walk through a crowded mall and be drawn to somebody like that. But I guess he can. At least with me.

But anyway, I'm not going to allow my desire to be loved the way I deserve to be interfere with God's plan. I assume that's God's plan for me too but is it with H? I don't think so but I'm not arrogant enough to think I can predict God. I'm also very aware that God gives us free will to behave the way we want. So even if the plan was meant to be with H, has that planned changed? I don't know. I guess I just keep taking it one day at a time and hope I don't screw up my life too bad. I'm tired of wearing these cuffs.

Searching for lies

I find myself struggling tonight. Today was the way I thought it would be. He acted normal, trying to hold on and when that didnt work, he got pouty.

Imagine this, we are at a soccer game and I'm visiting with all the Moms I haven't seen since last year and suddenly H slowly stumbles backwards and sits down on the ground. People are asking him if he's ok and he tells them to get me. I go to him and he says he needs to go to the car. I walk him to the car and planned to head back to watch the game when he stops me and starts fussing about why I didn't notice him on the ground. Do I even care about him? Am I so selfish and wrapped up in the kids I can't take ten minutes to see how he's doing?

I was astonished. That is old behavior at it's best. I told him I was going back to the game so he follows me, continuing to ask dumb questions when I finally said, we are here for our daughter. She only asks for 1 hour to watch her play and that's what I'm going to do. He shut up but was still pouty. When I got back to the bleachers, I found out I missed my daughter score off a corner kick. Grr!

The rest of the evening he was needy, following me around like a puppy. Apologetic for the outburst earlier in the day. Conveniently, he didn't remember saying those things, he was feeling so horrible but there was nothing wrong with him. If he was one of my kids I would have called him out on his dramatics and not put up with it. But I was tired and didn't want to deal with it so I didn't confront him again.

I wonder why I do that. I know it's partially because I am afraid of his reactions because of the crap he's put me through in the past, however there's a part of me that wonders if I'm sabotaging this. Am I making sure he stays the bad guy by not communicating? Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to tell him how to behave like an adult. It's not my job to babysit him. He's a grown up and should work on fixing his own issues. I've got too many of my own to focus on.

Perhaps I'm sabotaging our relationship, already given up and just doing the time because I said I would. Perhaps I don't want this to work at all so I'm not putting effort into it. I don't know. But I know I feel like I'm enabling when I give away time meant for my daughter because he's throwing a tantrum. I know that the manipulative mind games are real even if he doesn't see how sick it is. I know that I can't keep this up. Pretending to be ok when I'm not. I struggle so much.

I love him as a friend and would absolutely care if he lives or dies. I absolutely care if he has a stroke or heart attack. I care if he's anxious or panicked. I care if he sad. I want to hug him when he needs one and I want to hold him when he needs to be held. But how do I do that when I'm trying to not be married to the man?

I don't know how to be his friend as his wife. Those two lines don't cross for us. We make great friends, I see the man he can be. But we can't live together. I can't be so emotionally wrapped up in him that I can't take care of myself. I can't be his savior. Jesus needs to be and I'm not arrogant enough to think I can remotely be that person in H's life. I want him to be ok and I want him to be happy and despite how he thinks I make him happy, we play these stupid games that suck the life out of both of us. It's not healthy for either one of us. But he thinks it works and needs it to be that way. I get it, but I don't want to participate in it anymore. So now what?

How do I hang on for a year feeling like this? Is it even possible for him to earn back enough trust for me to put forth more effort? I have been holding this thing together for so many years, I don't want to put anymore into it. Why did he have to decide now that he finally wanted to participate in our life? And if I can't trust, and there is nothing left, why keep the misery going? What keeps me holding on when it seems to me there is nothing good to hold on to? Guess I'd better keep pondering that one because I really need to know the answer to that. I need to know what it is in me that can't just do what I need to do. I need to know what lie I've been telling myself to keep going. Then I can find my truth and change. But I'm not sure I can block out a lifetime of lies even though I know I need to.

One day at a time

Well we have practice tonight. I'm a little nervous about it. He's been good but when I asked my daughter about how she felt, she said he still gives her looks when I'm not looking.

That's what I'm afraid of. Will he just mask his true feelings but they fester underneath like a volcano waiting to explode?

=====================================

I wrote that last night. Never got enough time alone to finish it. Practice went well or so I thought. It was fun, H didn't seem to lose his temper or get annoyed, he even laughed a little. It was good. Then we left and although his delivery was better, he felt like I was ignoring him and not treating him like everyone else. He might be right.

He's been taking luxuries with me that has made me very uncomfortable. Extra touchy feely, wanting deep kisses, grabbing me. So I probably did stay away from him a little. I don't like to show a lot of PDA (Public Displays of Affection) as it is. I don't want to in front of friends at all. It's just weird. Maybe if it was with someone I was madly in love with, I'd be okay with pecks, lingering hugs, sitting on his lap and stuff like that. But not usually my style. Shame I'm sure. And with H I don't want to lead him on or give him permissions I shouldn't. Sadly I already had and didn't realize it.

I woke up a little before 5am with his hands down my pants, my shirt hiked up above my breasts, and him rubbing away. WTF. I'm a hard sleeper. At first I didn't realize what was going on. As I got my feet underneath me, I panicked. Just laid there for a minute or two frozen, afraid, unsure what to do. I didn't say anything or let on that I was up but I did yank his hand away and roll over. He then apologized and said he was sleeping. Ya sleeping....I told him he was full of shit and just as awake as I was and he needed to leave.

Of course he didn't leave like I asked. He tried to hold me, made a bunch of excuses, kissed my neck. Again I'm having a PTSD moment where I'm frozen, can't say much and still a bit out of it because the time of day. Finally got up the courage to leave and have a smoke, he followed, talking the whole time, excuse after excuse of why he thought it would be ok to take advantage of a sleeping woman with a history of sexual abuse in her past. I was hearing things like we are married, I used to be okay with it, he was horny, I didn't stop him in my sleep, etc. All lame.

After the smoke I asked him if he wanted his pillow, implying I wasn't allowing him back in my bed. He asked if he could just sleep on the floor. I'm still afraid and disoriented at this point so I say fine. When he gets to the room he lays down on the bed next to me. I let it go again and told him not to touch me. He didn't and got up shortly after. Then I fell back asleep until just a moment or two ago.

H came in and woke me up saying he thought I would like an hour or so before we have to leave for my daughter's soccer game and then proceeded to tell me that he's not going to live in shame, he messed up, he will keep messing up and he's ok with it. Phew! Glad we got that figured out. What a relief (sarcasm). So glad he woke me up to tell me that. NOT! Grr! Then he tells me he's going to wake the kids. I told him not to. This was his idea, not theirs and to leave them alone. Whether he did or not, I don't know. I'll find out later but the ugly is coming back and I wasn't ready for it at all. Mad at myself for that.

I shouldn't have been so willing to accept his changes in such a short time, I shouldn't have allowed a normal bad day in the life of children spook me into an emotional place that I wasn't ready for, I should have trusted myself enough to stick to my guns and not allowed myself in the compromising position I was in earlier today. But I did and I'm still scared on the inside. Talk about reverting back to being a kid.

I feel helpless, powerless, fearful, sad, trapped, scared, lost, confused, ashamed, and darn near suicidal. And now I get to spend the day putting on a happy face and dealing with H who clearly has no idea the psychological impact his actions have had on me and me vulnerable and without ability to function in a way to protect myself like I need to. Hopefully Mama Bear will come out because I don't know how to deal with this. It's a lot to bite off. I just hope the memories don't flood when I'm suppose to be focused on a soccer game. That would suck. So wish me luck world, it's gonna be a LONG day...

Here we go again

I'm not going to get into all the details but yesterday was a Wow day for me. He asked me out on a date. We went for sushi. The girls were upset about it because earlier in the week we were overdrawn and he said the oldest living at home couldn't get her hair and nails done for prom today but he had money to take me out. They commented on how he's horrible with money management and then pressed me on how much longer this was going to go on. They asked me when I was going to kick him out so we could live differently. I struggled with this so much. Mama Bear wants to jump in and yet I'm the parent and there are boundaries that I need to respect. I listened to them vent, my heart breaking, then I told them I understood their frustrations, that I felt it too but we are still married and you don't just walk away from a marriage. They of course didn't understand and are so miserable seeing me miserable that they just want a release.

Regardless of their feelings, we went out. I was quiet and he asked what was up. I told him I was still processing from Thursday's therapy and he asked what I was processing. I'm sure he wishes now he wouldn't have asked because I told him. I told him about Mama Bear. How I need to start following my instincts to not only protect the kids but also protect myself. How I need to treat myself better and that I cannot allow him or anyone else to manipulate my feelings so I step away from what I instinctually know is right. Well that turned into a pissing fight with him. I keep telling him it wasn't specifically about him, it is my feelings and what I'm dealing with but he saw it as a personal attack. So I went there.

Over the course of dinner we discussed how I feel controlled, how the kids aren't happy, how I'm not happy and how he isn't happy. I told him I still fear him and am waiting for the next time he will go off on me physically. I told him how I am weary of not being able to be myself. He wanted examples so I gave them. Then he told me he was tired because I snore. That he was unhappy because I won't let him take a mortgage out on the house so he can't fix anything. He said he was unhappy because I am not the woman he married.

I agreed with him (except the snoring part), and told him the woman he married was compliant, was willing to sacrifice everything for the acceptance of a man. She was a woman influenced by her parents and shamed into a relationship that I didn't want. She is someone who is disappearing and the real me is coming out. But it feels that every time she starts to come out she is condemned. He said it's my fault because I don't tell him that's what I'm doing. I told him it shouldn't matter so now we are left face to face staring at each other across an invisible line. In or out and he's left it up to me.

I don't know why but I wasn't able to just say it. "Leave and lets try this from afar." So once we got home, my girlfriend K invited me over. Much to his annoyance I left to hang out with her. After telling her about the last week and a half she said it's like I keep getting signs from God that this needs to end. I had to agree. It does. But I don't want to be rash or reactive and yet here I am head to head with him and not having the courage to say the words I need to say.

I get home and he snatches my cell phone from my hands and says "are you going to pay for this?", he tells me that I would be nothing without him. That I am going to have to go and because he pays for everything around here and if I don't want him then I don't get the stuff either. I corrected him and reminded him that he didn't pay for this house, my Dad did and it's mine. I reminded him that I don't give a crap about stuff and he can take his Lexus and leave. He asked if that's what I really wanted and of course, rather than telling him yes I had to give him reasons. I just want him to agree with me that this is making all of us unhappy. But he won't agree. He won't acknowledge his unhappiness affects the entire household. He honestly believes that if I would just go back to the woman he married, that this will work out and we will be happy. I cannot get him to understand that I cannot live like that anymore. I take that back, I refuse to live like that anymore.

So the fight is over, we climb into bed and he asks me if he should look for a place to live. I told him I didn't know and rolled over to go to sleep. ANOTHER chance that I could have told him to go and I didn't. Am I just a chicken shit? I mean really. I had an evening to be able to say enough and I didn't. But I didn't coddle him either which is my normal routine. That made him mad too. He expected me to, I could see it in his face. He used his usual tactics to make it about him and make me feel sorry for him. But I didn't allow myself to go there this time. I could have, and I wanted to but I kept telling myself no this time. It's about me and my feelings and I'm protecting my kids and myself. This is okay. I don't have to make peace. So I didn't and for that I'm glad about. A step in the right direction despite the turmoil it caused in my marriage.

I think I know the ending of this story but God has a way of turning thing around so I'm going to give it this weekend to see what happens here. Will this zit that is growing pop or will it heal and become a part of the face? It's gonna be a strange one to see if he budges because I'm on my side already and the kids are with me. He can join us or not. But as he said to my Dad 8 years ago, "I'm not going to wait forever".

His words, my words

So I've been thinking about how I might be what he says so I've decided to take this post to write what he says is wrong with me and what I do wrong. Maybe he's right and I have some things to work on. To be honest with myself I have to use the words he has used. Otherwise I'd try to sugar coat it and be more kind. Not the point. The point is to look at how harsh he feels and honestly look at whether or not it's justified.

 

What's wrong with me:

I'm too friendly
I'm a tight wad
I like the color yellow
I wear sparkly house shoes
I wear my yellow, daisy hat in public
I have f me curls
I trust easily
I love too much
I want to help too often
I spend too much time with kids
I'm too patient with kids
I don't punish kids enough
I'm the dumbest smart person he has ever known
I don't listen to the radio enough
I'm not neat enough
I don't keep the house clean enough
I don't do laundry often enough
I don't change the sheets and towels often enough
I don't support him
I don't obey him enough
I don't treat him like the head of our household
I like to laugh too much
I'm clumsy
I'm quirky
I drink too much
I smoke
I don't show enough emotion
I'm a distraction
I'm reckless
I'm adventurous
I'm unreasonable
I'm stubborn
I'm independent
I'm particular
I'm too organized
I'm not spontaneous enough
I am outdoors too much
I don't bake cookies often enough

 

Since I'm doing this I can also add my own short comings:

I'm fat
I'm out of shape
I'm lazy
I'm too hopeful
I'm a peace keeper
I'm a care taker
I'm a perfectionist
I have panic attacks
I'm not serious enough
I hide behind humor
I'm sarcastic
I lie to save peoples feelings from being hurt
I protect
I let fear control me
I walk the fence and if I fall off into the other side I just get back on the fence again
I believe in God's love working through humans
I believe people should be cherished
I am not afraid of being hurt emotionally
I am grieving

 

I am sure if I left this list open I could keep adding. But for now I'm going to stop and process these things, pray about them and possibly talk to friends about it because I don't want to put all the blame on him. I have my issues too. I am not without fault. Of course right now I have a lot of Easter baking to do and dinner to start so I'd better focus on that or it won't be right and I'll mess that up too.

You just know

I asked a friend how you know if you've found the "one". His response was you just know and you know because you just want to be with that person. I'm paraphrasing here but that was the gist. If I accept his answer as truth then I shouldn't be blogging at all. Since I'm questioning my marriage among other things, he is not the one. I don't really like to spend time with him and I find myself preferring to be alone. I shouldn't wish he had somewhere to be all the time. I shouldn't feel like I have to be a buffer between him and the kids. If I didn't have all this water under the bridge, would I want to be with him? Would my perspective change?

 

He will tell you I'm the one. He fell in love with me the moment he saw me, that I'm a blessing, that he doesn't want to live life without me. Even as I write those things I find myself rolling my eyes. If this is love, then I want hate. No that's not true but if this is his view of love, then we are certainly not going to work out. However as the more seasoned Christian here, should I be the one to set an example and learn to love him as he is? Does he continue to hold on to something I think is awful because he loves me beyond the circumstances? Can it work if only one side has that kind of love?

I complain about him but clearly I'm the verbal one here. I'm the one with the problem. I'm the one putting my foot down and I'm the one saying it's not going to work. Am I the problem? Is my twisted upbringing tainting my perceptions? I am the problem here but I can't help but wonder if it's because I'm just not easy to please or live with. What are my expectations excluding love that he cannot live up to them?

 

I expect honesty, faithfulness, dialogue, companionship, respect, kindness, gentleness, affection, sex, laughter, sharing of interests and passions. What of that list am I getting or think I'm getting: sex, sharing of interests and passions, some affection, faithfulness. What I'm missing: dialogue, companionship, respect, kindness, gentleness, laughter and the other half of affection. I omitted the honesty one because he can't be honest with himself much less with me or anyone else.

A few weeks ago we were hanging out with a friend in his garage and I had a few beers. Not good because I babble and my secrets are not secrets anymore. So I casually made a comment about the physical abuse. How he wouldn't know if my punches would hurt because I've never laid a hand on him but that I know his hurt. Well our friend asked him really and h just avoided the question until our friend let it go.

 

The husband and I had a conversation about it afterwards because I got in trouble for making the comment and almost revealing our secret. Huh, our secret. It shouldn't happen at all much less be "our secret". Grr. Like I said, the honesty thing isn't happening with him.

 

And I'm not being honest with him by writing these blogs. When talking to him, I sugar coat the truth out of fear. I avoid telling him what is truly on my mind, how I have no hope in him or in us, how I am unable to see a future with him, how his attempts at change will never be enough to save this, that in my mind one year is one year too long. He doesn't know those things. I continue to smile, try to do what is expected of me, live a little my own way when I'm around friends or when he is gone.

I guess I didn't realize how resolved I am until just now. I just know we aren't suppose to be together. Guess my friend was right, you just know.