Empower

 

Today I've been thinking about empowerment because I feel empowered. There are 3 definitions that I found at MerriamWebster.com for empower:

1:  to give official authority or legal power to

2:  enable 

3:  to promote the self-actualization or influence of

 

I'm not exactly keen on the word enable but why not? I have been enabled to be a better person. To say it's okay that I heal. To promote myself and give myself power to be me in the best way I can. Amazing how it has such a profound affect on my life. Being told I'm okay, I'm making good choices, I'm on the right track has given me so much strength. Even though I'm not always sure of my actions, I still know I'm doing good. Does that make sense?

 

I feel in my gut that I'm on the right track. It feels good and I'm becoming more confident. Yet the old way of thinking still sometimes gets in the way and I find myself doubting but that doubt is quickly dissipating. I don't know if that is because I have a lot of hidden pride or if I was just ready for this change. Probably doesn't matter really, I'm doing it and it's going well.

 

I think the ease in this transition is that I have seen how others are. I have a friend who was a victim of incest growing up. Yet she is an amazing woman. I see how strong she is, how she has grown, how she no longer lets that situation in her life control her and it has made me want that. I want to feel good about myself. I want to like myself. I want to be free from the anxieties that plague my days and especially nights. Not just want but dream of it because she has shown me it is possible. What she endured was far worse than anything I've gone through. I have so much admiration for her and if you met her, you would too.

 

I have dreamt of what it would be like to be free from the shame, the false guilt and the expectations I have placed on myself. I have imagined my life not being so easily emotionally blackmailed. I have imagined what it will be like to have the freedom to wear my sparkly shoes to church. I have dreamt about the laughter, the tears, the joy, the peace. I have wanted it so badly that I could taste it. And for a LONG time. I have prayed, I have begged, I have longed. So it's almost as if I have already lived this way because somewhere inside me, I already have.

 

What took me so long to get here? Empowerment. The death of my Mom gave me permission to question my life. It gave me the ability to take back the authority in my own life. It allowed me to free myself and rid myself from the constant oppression that I felt. Even though I wasn't living with her and had moved on in my life, she was still an ominous presence in my life. I never felt good enough. I always felt like I had to doubt myself. I believed that any confidence I had or displayed was pride and bad. Those open wounds dictated my future, my life, my choices. With her death, those wounds can finally be healed and I can finally move on.

 

It kinda makes me sad that it took me to empower myself. I shouldn't have been this way but it was and it is what it is. What I do know is that I love where I'm at and now that I've given myself to be empowered, I am finding support all around me that I didn't see before. I have incredible friends who truly love me like I love them. As my Dad is finding freedom himself, he is empowering me. My children are my biggest fans and I've had a great therapist. I don't think I could see any of that before. I just couldn't believe I was worth it, that I deserved anything other than punishment, or that I could have the strength to handle life on my own terms and in my own way. I dared to hope and with that hope came action and here I am.

 

I smile and rejoice today because I have been empowered and I can't wait for my life to begin because I've already lived it in my heart. I know what it will be and it is GOOD!

 

 

 

 

Here we go again

I'm not going to get into all the details but yesterday was a Wow day for me. He asked me out on a date. We went for sushi. The girls were upset about it because earlier in the week we were overdrawn and he said the oldest living at home couldn't get her hair and nails done for prom today but he had money to take me out. They commented on how he's horrible with money management and then pressed me on how much longer this was going to go on. They asked me when I was going to kick him out so we could live differently. I struggled with this so much. Mama Bear wants to jump in and yet I'm the parent and there are boundaries that I need to respect. I listened to them vent, my heart breaking, then I told them I understood their frustrations, that I felt it too but we are still married and you don't just walk away from a marriage. They of course didn't understand and are so miserable seeing me miserable that they just want a release.

Regardless of their feelings, we went out. I was quiet and he asked what was up. I told him I was still processing from Thursday's therapy and he asked what I was processing. I'm sure he wishes now he wouldn't have asked because I told him. I told him about Mama Bear. How I need to start following my instincts to not only protect the kids but also protect myself. How I need to treat myself better and that I cannot allow him or anyone else to manipulate my feelings so I step away from what I instinctually know is right. Well that turned into a pissing fight with him. I keep telling him it wasn't specifically about him, it is my feelings and what I'm dealing with but he saw it as a personal attack. So I went there.

Over the course of dinner we discussed how I feel controlled, how the kids aren't happy, how I'm not happy and how he isn't happy. I told him I still fear him and am waiting for the next time he will go off on me physically. I told him how I am weary of not being able to be myself. He wanted examples so I gave them. Then he told me he was tired because I snore. That he was unhappy because I won't let him take a mortgage out on the house so he can't fix anything. He said he was unhappy because I am not the woman he married.

I agreed with him (except the snoring part), and told him the woman he married was compliant, was willing to sacrifice everything for the acceptance of a man. She was a woman influenced by her parents and shamed into a relationship that I didn't want. She is someone who is disappearing and the real me is coming out. But it feels that every time she starts to come out she is condemned. He said it's my fault because I don't tell him that's what I'm doing. I told him it shouldn't matter so now we are left face to face staring at each other across an invisible line. In or out and he's left it up to me.

I don't know why but I wasn't able to just say it. "Leave and lets try this from afar." So once we got home, my girlfriend K invited me over. Much to his annoyance I left to hang out with her. After telling her about the last week and a half she said it's like I keep getting signs from God that this needs to end. I had to agree. It does. But I don't want to be rash or reactive and yet here I am head to head with him and not having the courage to say the words I need to say.

I get home and he snatches my cell phone from my hands and says "are you going to pay for this?", he tells me that I would be nothing without him. That I am going to have to go and because he pays for everything around here and if I don't want him then I don't get the stuff either. I corrected him and reminded him that he didn't pay for this house, my Dad did and it's mine. I reminded him that I don't give a crap about stuff and he can take his Lexus and leave. He asked if that's what I really wanted and of course, rather than telling him yes I had to give him reasons. I just want him to agree with me that this is making all of us unhappy. But he won't agree. He won't acknowledge his unhappiness affects the entire household. He honestly believes that if I would just go back to the woman he married, that this will work out and we will be happy. I cannot get him to understand that I cannot live like that anymore. I take that back, I refuse to live like that anymore.

So the fight is over, we climb into bed and he asks me if he should look for a place to live. I told him I didn't know and rolled over to go to sleep. ANOTHER chance that I could have told him to go and I didn't. Am I just a chicken shit? I mean really. I had an evening to be able to say enough and I didn't. But I didn't coddle him either which is my normal routine. That made him mad too. He expected me to, I could see it in his face. He used his usual tactics to make it about him and make me feel sorry for him. But I didn't allow myself to go there this time. I could have, and I wanted to but I kept telling myself no this time. It's about me and my feelings and I'm protecting my kids and myself. This is okay. I don't have to make peace. So I didn't and for that I'm glad about. A step in the right direction despite the turmoil it caused in my marriage.

I think I know the ending of this story but God has a way of turning thing around so I'm going to give it this weekend to see what happens here. Will this zit that is growing pop or will it heal and become a part of the face? It's gonna be a strange one to see if he budges because I'm on my side already and the kids are with me. He can join us or not. But as he said to my Dad 8 years ago, "I'm not going to wait forever".

Mama Bear

Not even sure where to start. Had therapy today. It was good as always. I told him about my dad's comments this week, about how the girls have been feeling about H. He complimented me on the work I have been doing, trying to apply what I'm discovering and making positive changes. However that made me feel very, very uncomfortable. After exploring it a little bit, I recognized it as shame and fear of vulnerability. Both of which I have learned from a young age.

 

I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be recognized for the good things. I can more easily accept a criticism over a compliment any day of the week. I have a hard time believing that I would or could possibly have done or been something worth acknowledging, much less complimenting. It's all a part of not trusting myself. I know my compass is messed up right now and it's difficult for me to know what's ok. I got to ask questions about scenarios and things which was really good to hear the take of someone who is on the outside. One of the best parts of our session was that I can trust mama bear. I know how to love, be supportive, nurture, edify and encourage. I know how to protect. I don't know how to do it for myself and I have not been doing it for my kids with H.

 

They are my kids. He is good with them usually but since he's been trying to be patient with me and accept me, he's been critical of them and impatient. Even tonight at the dinner table, the little one whispered something to her sister that H didn't hear and wasn't meant to, and he snapped at her. What was the problem? I wouldn't normally confront it and be passive about it but I need to stop doing that and start asserting boundaries. I also need to stop reacting to his feelings and taking responsibility for them. How he reacts is his. Not mine and certainly not the kids. So mama bear needs to guide me for a while.

 

When I get that urge to protect them, I will. I also will learn to protect myself because helping them is helping me. It will give me a foundation of growth I can build on and start living a life without being so easily controlled and manipulated because I have a big heart. It also will give me the ability to recognize it sooner, set those boundaries from the beginning and start living a life that I know is healthy for the girls and myself.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes. I love the movement. I love seeing how the girls are opening up, there is more joy, they aren't afraid to be themselves as much because mama bear is back. I know exactly when she left and I should have let things fall as they were going to back then. But I didn't, I put mama away and became the good little girl I was told to be. No more world! Mama bear is back!