I have amazing people in my life that I need to love. It isn't that I want to love although I do want to but it is a need. I need to let my team/family know I love them daily. I tell my kids. I tell my family. I tell anyone that I feel it for. It's kinda just who I am. If you know me and I consider you my friend, I tell you I love you and I try to tell you every day.
Part of me wants to tell H that I love him. Because I do love him as a friend and care about his existence. He knows where I stand. He knows that I am no longer married to him in my mind and heart. He knows that if I were to say it, it would only be because I am saying it as a friend and a demonstration of God's love. But I can't bring myself to tell him.
Perhaps it is because I don't really feel love for him but think I should. I don't know. It's a weird thing. It could be that I don't want to skew the lines that I'm drawing right now. Or maybe my heart just cannot find it's way back to the place where I can value him enough to want to love him. Again I stress this is not a romantic love but a friend love. I don't believe that we have to be enemies. I don't believe we have to be angry and bitter. I believe that we should be able to walk away from this marriage as friends and better people.
But a hardened heart doesn't make me a better person does it? I suppose in some ways it is what I need to learn how to set boundaries and take care of myself. But other than my Mom and my brother E, I cannot think of anyone else in the world that I have hardened my heart to. I genuinely love those that I don't even know very well. And yet it seems that I can add H to that list. I know why I would and yet I don't understand it. Is that even possible? To know but not understand?
I really haven't seen anyone since all this has transpired to know if this hardening I am feeling is going to transfer over into the relationships with others in my life. What if it does? What if I am shut down to my friends? To my children? To my family? What if I am no longer compelled to let those in my life know I love them because I don't feel it anymore? Not that it's an obligation but it is such a huge piece of who I am. If that were to go away I think I would have some kind of identity crisis. :)
And yet those fears are likely very irrational. You can't just stop loving altogether because you stop loving one can you? I can't imagine that would be how it would work. But then again, darkness spreads and eventually it will consume if there isn't light. I hope that my dear friends and children are the light and it keeps my heart soft. I want to love. I like to love. I need to love. Let's hope that's enough.
