Swimming upstream

I told some friends Friday night what was going on in my head. Kinda wish I wouldn't have. I'm so prone to accepting false guilt and shame that it was less than helpful. I suppose some of it is because they are church friends. I don't recall the bible saying you shouldn't get divorced. I know I should take my vows seriously and I do. But it's hard to accept that knowing the reasoning behind the marriage and knowing it wasn't because of love. But church friends think I need to get in touch with reality. That my husband wants to change, can change and it's worth the fight. I don't think they understand it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

 

If it was meant to be then heck ya I'd hang in there. I would be fighting for the man I love and the life we have together. But I don't believe he can change and I don't believe that it's my responsibility to make him a better person. I can't even say he's a bad person. He's not. He always means well even though it will come out sideways at times. But he's a good man overall. So why should he change his ways for me? I just don't get that. My friends say I should hold him accountable and make him change. Why? Then he's just as unhappy as I am because he isn't being true to himself. That's not fair to either one of us.

 

Apparently I have a delusional mindset that a marriage should be built on a foundation of common ground, trust and love. Commitment is easy because you just can't imagine your life without that person. You don't have to struggle to find things to do together because you have similar interests. You can also be in the same room but completely separate from each other and it's good. You don't have to be connected at the hip either. Life is complimented by that person in your life, not hindered or restrained. It seems so simple to me and clear. Why can't anyone I know seem to understand? The one person I think would, I'm not allowed to talk to anymore. His wife is a bully too. We have the same upbringing and respond to life situations nearly identical. He's like my brother. Love him so much. But maybe not talking to him is good. Maybe he and I are both trying to swim up a stream that has a powerful current. Eventually I'm going to get tired and worn out. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. But I hope I get some fight in this.

 

Not because I want to be defiant or to hurt anyone but because I know I can't do this much longer. But now I feel like I have to because friends have told me they disagree with it, that I'm moving too fast, that I shouldn't be making major life decisions in the midst of grief. On the other hand, my therapist says it sounds like I am thinking clearly, I can't expect my husband to change, that grief is not like being in recovery for addictions where professionals encourage newly sober or clean people to wait a year to relearn life without the substance. Naturally those are the things I want to hear. They work better with my agenda. Even so, I cannot turn my back on what trusted friends have shared with me.

 

Sad thing is, I don't believe they would tell my bro-guy friend mentioned earlier the same that they told me. They would support him and be amazing. I think part of why they aren't that way with me is because they need my husband. We play in a band together and he's the lead singer. The band would not be the same without him. So I question the motives. I'm not convinced it's for my best interest. I think it's for the interest of the church we play at and their desire to keep things as they are. I get that and don't blame them. We are very good. However I'd like to think we could be able to still play in a band together. But I've always been one that could be around ex's and it's been fine. Awkward initially but back to friends in no time. There's no reason to be angry when it just doesn't work out. You tried, it didn't work. No blame, it just is what it is. But I guess I don't have a grasp on reality (sarcasm).

 

So here I am. Once again going against what everyone around me tells me I should do. My track record is such that the best decisions I've made have also been the ones where I've followed my heart and not took the advice of those around me. Perhaps I choose bad friends. Could be because I like broken people, but I don't think that's it at all. Broken doesn't equal bad. I think I have to trust myself enough to move forward. Even if I do, now I will wait so I can show my friends I tried. Sucks really because if they were there 6 years ago when we were in marriage counseling or when he left us for 6 months and things like that, they may have different opinions. I just don't feel like arguing the point nor dragging my husband through any more mud than I have to. He's not proud of his actions and I know what it feels like to be ashamed and guilty. It's not a good place to be and he doesn't need that anymore than anyone of us. Regardless. But that's how I roll. I wouldn't wish this curse on anyone, not even an enemy. Bizarre... You would think I'd be more angry. Maybe I should be. I really don't know.

 

But for now, I'll just keep swimming. Rest when I can, start planning for a future alone and securing myself financially and emotionally. It's about all I can do.

 

Really? It's almost 3 a.m.

I can't sleep. So much runs through my head at night. Most of it is grief related. My Mom passed away last May. Almost a year now. Since then my world has been upside down. Sadly it isn't because she and I were close. We weren't. Quite the opposite, I have some deep seeded resentments towards her. If you haven't gathered from my previous posts, she wasn't exactly a nice woman. Well that's not necessarily true either. She was great in public. Not much of a Mom unless you consider physically abusing and neglecting your kids being a good mom. But you don't. The majority of people know it's wrong. I don't think she did. I think she thought it was totally ok as it was happening. Then I got old enough to fight back and I fought back. Of course, then she found ways to control me with her shame and guilt trips. She may be gone but to this day, I still live by her insane rules that are trapped in my head. I don't trust myself. I don't believe I'm worth much. I believe I am the source of most everybody's problems around me and I believe I am very sick of it.

 

Since she's died, I've been scrambling. I don't know what in my life is real. I'm not sure who I am. I want nothing to do with anything she was involved in. Especially not my marriage. Sucks really. This was doomed from the start. I knew it but I've spent my whole life doing what she wanted, I figured this was just another thing I had to do. I couldn't trust my own judgement. But that's the problem. I can. Or at least I think I can. My kids have turned out amazingly. So if I can be trusted with the lives of children, you would think I could trust my capability to make responsible decisions.

 

Yet I look back at the poor choices I've made under the duress of my childhood and see how foolish I've been. My therapist says I shouldn't hold myself accountable for all of those actions because I was doing what I knew to do. I was trying to cope and trying to find a way to make my life manageable. I never found manageability until I stopped fighting, accepted the shame and guilt and did what I was told. Once again, put my head down, keep my mouth shut and do what I think I'm suppose to do. It's more peaceful that way and since I'm a master at sacrificing myself, why not? But she's gone. And I'm left trying to sort out the pieces and realizing that she picked another controlling person to be my husband. I wonder if it was on purpose. I'm guessing it was. She did tell me that she wanted me to be with someone that could keep me in line....

 

Keep me in line. Am I really that horrible? Am I really that impulsive and unpredictable? Am I really that stupid? Am I really not trust-worthy? Sad that I question those things. If my kids thought I thought that way about them I would be heart broken. I know that it's been hard sometimes but I raised my girls to question, to stand up for what is right, to be thankful, to earn what you get, to fight for themselves and say what they want and need. It's a challenge at times because they practice on me and as maddening as it can be, I am so proud of them. I don't think I've ever made my Mom proud. If I did, she certianly didn't let me know. Yet there are moments with my kids that I'm giggling and smiling because I am so proud of them. Took them a little bit to understand it. But they get it now and it is good.

 

Despite the mud I'm trudging through right now, they are my saving grace. Even if I decide to stay where I am and not get healthy emotionally, I know the way I've raised them has broken the circle of abuse. Their children will have different lives than the one that my Mom and Dad had and the way I had. And for that I give praise to God because it could have continued. I didn't have to be aware. I didn't have to know that it was wrong but I did. Even as a little child I knew that wasn't the way you treated people. I could have been a bully. I could have been narcissistic. But I am not and somehow God made sure in my heart that I would always question the treatment I received. It's phenomenal really. A miracle of sorts. Something that has caused me a great deal of emotional and mental pain but one that I believe will also save me from an unfulfilling life. I guess time will tell...