I've been trying to embrace death. Not something that I'm being very successful at. First of all, it's morbid. Secondly I'm unable to imagine parting from my kids and friends. I am a Christian and believe in heaven but oddly it doesn't bring me any comfort at all. Perhaps I don't believe as strongly as I thought. Although it isn't doubt in heaven, it's that I'm not ready to die.
But who is really? Unless you're suicidal or depressed to the point of wanting to die, I think all of us plan to live in one way or another. What we strive for and value vary but the plan to live is the same.
When I look at my life I don't feel like I've lived. A lot of it has to do with who I have married I think. I place such high regard on love and because I don't feel like I have fallen in love, I haven't lived. I've done my share of playing, done the majority of traveling I want to, achieved many goals and am proud of who I am for the most part...except loving myself and being loved by a man the way I want to be. That's what sticks out for me when I think of dying.
How strange to think something so simple would be such a stumbling block for me but it is. I also have such a fear of abandonment that I never want to do it to anyone nevertheless, I find myself absolutely assured those that I love will be fine without me and I know I'll be waiting for them in heaven. If I have such peace about that, how can I be afraid to fall asleep. Is it that I would be willingly inflicting pain on the loved ones? I hope not, that would be very arrogant to think I somehow have control over my death. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's that I don't have control over when. It could be tomorrow. It could be next week or next month. That thought terrorizes me. I'm not ready. I'm close but there is one big thing I need to do. I guess not need to but want desperately.
The idea that I could leave this earth without experiencing love kills me inside. Not that I have not experienced love because I love freely and willingly. I also have loving friends and children. I am blessed. Even teaching my family how to love which is no small feat. :)
Anyway, the point is that the desire to be desirable, cherished, totally committed, completely and wholly in love with a man who God choose for me is so deep it affects my subconscious. I have panic when faced with the possibility of death. Which makes me panic more because I think I'm dying then. It's a vicious cycle. All because I'm not ready and have no control.
On the flip side, I know God. He and I have been through a lot. He is my friend. And I know his plan is beyond my comprehension and understanding. I know He will figure it out and I can worry less about it. However I'm still human and I need to grieve the possibility that I may never have the fairytale love that lingers in the depths of my soul. Not sure how I'm gonna get there but I need to. I want to be free of all the oppression and find my Zen again. You know, that place where you have peace that passes all understanding because you have surrendered all parts of your life to God. Better get to surrendering...
