Funny how things like this can be troublesome. Other than the inconvenience with food in my freezer I'm probably going to have to throw away, it really isn't a big deal and yet, I'm going crazy. Not having my usual distractions related to the internet are frustrating. Sure there are a lot of other things I could do but doing them in another thing.
I was reading in the bible today about self control. God highly recommends it and yet there are times when losing control are good. I'm not sure not having power would fall under either one of those categories but it's what popped into my head so it's what you get. :)
Anyway, I was researching self control because I'm not using "my powers" for good. I am not using my time wisely. I waste so much on a daily basis with gaming, goofing around with my kids, reading, smoking. I could really get much more accomplished if I'd just do something. But I don't. I prefer to be a bump on a log. Is it depression? I don't think so. If I'm depressed I'm not knowing it. I think it is honestly pure laziness.
And yet when I explore that emotionally I find myself in a feeling of rebellion. But against what? What could I possibly be rebelling against by not doing anything productive? Perhaps it's the definition of productive...ya. No. I'm not productive. Perhaps its a fear of failure but that would imply that fear is the root of rebellion. Is it?
Is there a fear of something that makes a person want to push back against it? Is it fear of failure? Is it fear of succeeding? When I look into the rebellion of not doing things I find myself overwhelmed. If I was talking to my kids I would tell them to take it one step at a time. Break down the picture into little pieces... I can do that but it still doesn't explain the lack of acting on it.
For example, my hardwood floors REALLY need to be washed and steamed clean. I can do it the lazy way which means I just go around the rugs and furniture. It would take me about 10 minutes. Or I could do it the thorough way and move furniture, roll up rugs, sweep, dust and vacuum first. Obviously the first option sounds best. But I can't bring myself to do the lazy way because it won't be done right.
When I think of doing it the thorough way, I find myself making excuses like the dogs will get in the way, I can't move heavy things with my knee still healing. And of course, I just don't want to. So the question becomes, do I do it the lazy way to just get something done or do I leave it and do nothing at all until I feel like being more thorough. I usually choose the second option but I never feel like being more thorough so it hasn't happened in about a month.
I have so much time on my hands. Time that goes flitting away with each tap on a screen or click of a mouse. Time I know that I won't get back. Why isn't that enough? Why isn't it enough to know that I can do the wasting of time when I finish doing the things that should get done? Why do I feel helplessly trapped in a routine that involves nothing worthwhile and everything wasteful of time?
It's a bizarre feeling to not feel like you have control over your own life and your time. Yet, if God told me to be different I would...but I'm not asking either. Plausible deniability of sorts. My Dad working his butt off in our yard to make it look better and seem more manageable doesn't motivate me, having the house empty all day without kids when they are in school doesn't motivate me. Working and trying to balance everything at home doesn't motivate me. And again, all I feel is this undercurrent of anger and rebellion. Is there something in my past that makes me so dead set against being more productive? What or who am I hurting besides myself?
Who am I hurting besides myself...hurting...I am trying to hurt someone? The answer is yes. I have resentment somewhere that is standing in the way but I couldn't tell you at who. My standby response would be my Mom. Yet, I can not tell you why that would be.
Don't you hate it when people take phone calls in the library...GRRR!!!!
Anyway back to the point. I am angry that I have the responsibilities? Am I angry that I have to do these things? No, it doesn't seem so. But again there is definitely anger. So what is it I know...
I know that I am lazy. Not by nature though. It really cuts against my grain. Even my Dad has noticed it and mentioned it. I know that I am rebelling against something or someone and I know that I am angry. I guess I'd better pray about it because I really am not coming up with anything on my own. I need guidance because whatever I just stumbled on really needs to be taken care of. Not with self-control but with healing. I can try to control myself and my actions and force myself to do things I don't want to but we really aren't talking about self control are we? We are talking about a deeper issue that need addressing...
Good thing we don't have power I guess. It will give me a lot of time to explore it...assuming I don't find other ways to distract myself from the truth of the situation... Lol!
