I look at where I am and where I thought I'd be and see that I have sacrificed yet again. I wanted a happy home. A husband that adores me. Brings me flowers. A man that loves God, loves music, loves children, wants to serve. A man that is as laid back but as convicted as I am. A man that finds solace in nature. A man who is affectionate, drinks regularly, doesn't mind that I smoke, likes to cook and eat, isn't super picky about how neat the house is, can fix stuff and has the same fiscal mind. Someone with a sense of humor that doesn't mind that I'm a dork and one that cherish's my heart for the people around me and encourages me to keep on loving them. Someone who is secure but mostly, I want someone that see's the real me and loves me anyway.
You know, see the places that are hidden. See's behind the fake smile, the psycho-babble that disables and disarms the average "Joe". See's the abyss of my heart and doesn't fear the darkness but wants to go explore it and find what makes me tick. That wants to find out the secrets that are locked inside and wants to hear "the good, the bad and the ugly". I have a dark side. As deeply as I care, I am as deep in darkness. Anger, fear, resentment, bitterness, rage, injustice, selfishness, are just a few. I want to think that a man can see that stuff as well and still accept me. But I am losing hope that that person is out there.
I believe it is possible. However not with who I am currently with. I'd like to think so but he lacks the ability to see beyond himself and what he needs or wants. That's not a criticism. I rather like that he can force people around him to say, do and feel what he wants. Its a trait I don't have. But it sucks to be married to when your ideas don't click. Especially when I end up apologizing for things that aren't mine to apologize for. It's sad really...that I can feel responsible for his issues and end up being the one to make amends and try to resolve the situation. I will often say, "I've pissed you off, what else is new?". And that's the truth. I never fail to disappoint, to upset, to trip-up and cause friction with him. I spend every day worrying about whether or not the house is clean enough, I've been busy enough, if he's going to approve of what I cook for dinner or the set I pick for our team to play...I just noticed I live in fear...again.
WTF! It wasn't supposed to be like this...so what happened?
