Robyn

I am beginning to hate weekends. I don't get the opportunity to write everyday like I do during the week. Mostly because he is hovering. He knows I have a blog but I totally lied to his face when he asked if I posted them on the web. I don't usually like to lie but I know that he wouldn't respect my privacy and I need this for me. Suppose it was selfish and rude but it is what it is.

So far it's been an interesting couple days. Yesterday we brought our oldest at home to a college about an hour and a half away for a weekend visit. The drive home alone was really good. We talked more about our situation and he acknowledged that if it doesn't work out after this year he can feel better about it because of the time we had. I don't know if that will really happen but it was a relief for me. Not that I should care about how he feels but I do. It's not like I hate the guy. We just shouldn't be married.

At the same time as his apparent acceptance, he's majorly kissing my butt. He came home with a Lexus for me today. Really? Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful and I have named her Robyn however I really could care less about money and stuff. I want to be happy and I don't need a Lexus to be happy. It is also not going to make me somehow forget the current situation nor is it going to make me feel like I am closer to him. I don't want gifts. I want compatibility. I want respect. I want kindness, hope, joy, laughter, love. You can't buy those things. Not to mention it makes me feel like I have to pay him back somehow. I'm waiting for the day when I do something wrong and he makes sure to point out that he bought me my new car so I owe him.

There is nothing worse than getting a gift with strings attached. I want to be super excited but I can't allow myself the joy I would if I knew it was because he really loved me. It's an appeasement of sorts. I suppose maybe an amend. I don't know really. But what it feels like to me is a cheap attempt to buy my heart and affections. It's like he doesn't hear me tell him I need substance. I need a partner, compatibility, companionship. I need a friend and a lover. I need my best friend to be my spouse. I don't need stuff.

And yet, the materialistic side of me cannot wait to rub it in my ex's face that he drives a 90's Honda Civic and I am in my new one. Selfish, rude and snotty but it's the truth. I'm okay with that. Sometimes it's just fun. Of course I love cars in general so let me tell you, it rides like a dream. Its super quiet. The sun roof is awesome although I don't know how much I'll get to use it in MN. It has great gas mileage especially for a V6 and it's just pretty. I didn't think that I'd be a blue car person but I'm a fan. It's understated enough to not draw too much attention but bold enough to make a statement because it's the car it is. I LOVE IT! I just wish it wasn't given to me under the circumstances that it was.

For now I will enjoy the car until he has brow beaten me enough with it that I don't and then I'll get rid of it. Or not. Maybe I'll make my peace with it and drive it until it has 250,000 miles on it. Lol! That will take forever considering I only drive the kids back and forth to school and run errands around town. But that's okay too. At least for today, it was a very nice gift and something I enjoy. Perhaps it will get to stay like that and Robyn will remain a blessing. Time will tell...

What Happened?

Today I'm wondering what happened. I know what happened because I was there but what happened? It wasn't suppose to be like this. I had dreams, hopes, goals for my life. Now I'm in the middle of my life wondering where it all went. At what point in my life did I give up on myself? Kinda bleak but not meant in a depressed way and no, I'm not suicidal.

I look at where I am and where I thought I'd be and see that I have sacrificed yet again. I wanted a happy home. A husband that adores me. Brings me flowers. A man that loves God, loves music, loves children, wants to serve. A man that is as laid back but as convicted as I am. A man that finds solace in nature. A man who is affectionate, drinks regularly, doesn't mind that I smoke, likes to cook and eat, isn't super picky about how neat the house is, can fix stuff and has the same fiscal mind. Someone with a sense of humor that doesn't mind that I'm a dork and one that cherish's my heart for the people around me and encourages me to keep on loving them. Someone who is secure but mostly, I want someone that see's the real me and loves me anyway. 

You know, see the places that are hidden. See's behind the fake smile, the psycho-babble that disables and disarms the average "Joe". See's the abyss of my heart and doesn't fear the darkness but wants to go explore it and find what makes me tick. That wants to find out the secrets that are locked inside and wants to hear "the good, the bad and the ugly". I have a dark side. As deeply as I care, I am as deep in darkness. Anger, fear, resentment, bitterness, rage, injustice, selfishness, are just a few. I want to think that a man can see that stuff as well and still accept me. But I am losing hope that that person is out there.

I believe it is possible. However not with who I am currently with. I'd like to think so but he lacks the ability to see beyond himself and what he needs or wants. That's not a criticism. I rather like that he can force people around him to say, do and feel what he wants. Its a trait I don't have. But it sucks to be married to when your ideas don't click. Especially when I end up apologizing for things that aren't mine to apologize for. It's sad really...that I can feel responsible for his issues and end up being the one to make amends and try to resolve the situation. I will often say, "I've pissed you off, what else is new?". And that's the truth. I never fail to disappoint, to upset, to trip-up and cause friction with him. I spend every day worrying about whether or not the house is clean enough, I've been busy enough, if he's going to approve of what I cook for dinner or the set I pick for our team to play...I just noticed I live in fear...again.

WTF! It wasn't supposed to be like this...so what happened?