I didn't write yesterday because there was so much going through my head I just didn't even know how to put things down on paper. Or virtual paper I guess. I met with my Dad and in the true spirit of honesty, I laid out what has been happening with my husband and I. I told him about the deadline I had set, told him about the control issues, told him about how the kids want nothing to do with him anymore. My Dad is a pastor so I was expecting a pastoral response about honoring God and my commitment to him through marriage and those kinds of things. What I got was totally a surprise.
Dad acknowledged the control. He has seen it. He admitted that he was a part of the control early on before H and I got married because he was a part of pushing me to marry H. He said that he was also controlled by H in because H was saying he wouldn't wait any longer for me to make up my mind and so my parents pushed, H pushed and I gave in. Dad also was shocked at the change of heart, how determined I am to be healthier and no longer live controlled. He asked what happened.
I told him how K would ask me if I was okay after H would get on me at practices. I told him how G said he knows H loves me but doesn't seem to like me. I told him how the girls said they don't think H likes them either. Then he said to me "that was an act of God". He thought that I would stay in this place and continue to placate the situation like he did. He thought that H dying was going to be the only way that this could get better. He thought I was going to continue a family pattern of abusive and controlling marriages. And he was relieved.
He told me how he would have made changes in his life had he been strong enough. He told me that living a lifetime with a controlling partner is the worst choice he had ever made. He told me that when he looks back at how it was for us kids growing up, he feels guilt and shame. I was stunned. He had never admitted that before and I asked how he came to that realization. He said it took my Mom's death and him actually being free to realize how imprisoned he really was.
I cannot adequately express the relief and joy I felt hearing him say that. Joy! Like real JOY! Some of it was that I wanted his support and didn't dare to hope that I would get it because of his standing in the church. The other part was hearing from someone on the other side who didn't move, was rescued from his situation by God himself and has come out with blessings he didn't even know could be. It fed the hope I have of a better future of a life where I am not daily condemned or shamed or controlled. It helped me see that my hope is not futile nor the efforts I'm making now to improve my life worthless. There is a future in the direction I'm going. Even if I don't know what the future is going to be. I don't need to have a vision for myself any longer. I only need to keep God in the center of my vision and the rest will fall into place. I had to text my friends about it. Well K and G anyway. Almost accidently text L too but I'm working hard to respect those boundaries he set...or his wife set. Not really sure. But it doesn't matter. I am looking ahead!
I still am going to honor my agreement with H to wait until June 1, 2015 and going to move forward as if this isn't going to work out. But the pressure has been released. Having it affirmed by a man ordained by God that ending an unhappy marriage is okay has given me freedom. I will have my new beginning. I will change the patterns of abuse in my life. I will rise above where I'm at and how life is and it will be what God wants it to be. I believe in the Word of God and I believe in his promises of love, hope, joy, peace, safety, happiness, prosperity and health. Finally hearing that I am in God's graces in this is just what I needed to get ready to fly; cuz this bird is going to do more than fly, I'm going to soar!
