Happy Anniversary Mom

Today is the first anniversary of my Mom's passing. Honestly I didn't realize it until I logged onto Facebook and saw my brothers and sister had posted stuff about it. Strange how dates have no significance to me. Is that because I'm not the sentimental type? Or perhaps its another coping skill where I try to be blissfully ignorant. I don't know.

I think about what has happened over the last year. A lot and yet nothing significant. It's all perspective. There is nothing else that has happened that would stand out the way losing my Mom has. Sure, relationship issues, kid issues, church issues...they are truly mundane when it comes to life...or not life.

I don't know what I'd say to her if she was here. I can't say I miss her because I don't. I can't say I want her back because I don't. There are positive memories that I can hold on to but most of them are negative. That really sucks. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the family who feels like this. I know my Dad has expressed relief as well but he also grieves the loss of a companion, a friend and a partner. I don't.

I grieve the Mom she wasn't and yet I see how she made changes and tried to make things better. Changes that I didn't really accept when they happened. Now that she's gone I can see those attempts and partially feel grateful. The other part is angry. Why so long? How can you just think you can step up and buy me shit and think that it is going to be better? Giving me a book on my birthday called "You're fat and it's not your fault" is not a sign of love. Forcing me into a marriage with a man I wasn't in love with was not love. Shaming me for having dogs that shed hair and refusing to come over because of it wasn't love. Judging me for too many kid-drawn pictures and great homework scores on the fridge was not love. But it was her way of showing love no matter how ass-backwards.

When I look at the ways I was hurt by her I wonder what my brothers and sister remember. I wonder if they have chosen to look past that and see the public persona that was far different than the woman she was behind closed doors. I wonder if they have looked past all the abuse and decided that it would dishonor her memory if they went there. I wonder if they honestly didn't see it or experience it like I did and I just got to be her scapegoat for a bad day, a regretted life, a lost dream.

Yes I am angry with her. Not just for the bad things but also for robbing me of the life I could have had with a Mom who was nurturing, supportive, loving, gentle, kind and committed. I wonder how it would have been different if she had not put the kibosh on my songwriting career. I wonder how it would have been had she showed up at a track, gymnastics, swim meet. I wonder how it would have been if she had given me hugs and told me I was beautiful, special, important. I wonder how it would have been if she had said once she was proud of me. How would I have been different? What path would my life had taken?

Yet I am grateful for where I live, the friends in my life, my amazing children even though she tried to get me to abort a couple of them, my puppies, my home, my talents and gifts, my tenacity, my intelligence, my experiences that have shaped me into who I am today. I like myself for the most part. The core of who I am is good regardless of some of my less savory actions. :) And I can say that is because of who she was in my life. Good or bad, she had a major influence. I making progress in the bad areas and nurturing the good areas. She taught me how to be a survivor, how to be resourceful, showed me who I can trust and who I cant, and I can take a punch like a man. Never know when that is gonna come in handy... (wink).

So Mom, this one is for you. Good or bad I can't honestly say right now. However you were here, you're gone and I hope you are happy where you are. I know how to be happy and find joy. Thanks for that.

Fat Lady Sings?

I know I've already written today but a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. H and I both had therapy. With different people at different times. But it was good and what needs to happen.

I went back further than I have before in looking at my history with H. There was a time that he was a safe place. A time where I had accepted the choice my parents made for me and really tried to make it work. A time where he and I saw eye to eye and we got along really well. I don't believe my parents would have set me up with someone they thought was going to be a complete ass. So they must have seen something. That's what I went looking for...what did they see.

What I saw was a man who was once humble. Who had a heart of gold, who was kind and soft-spoken, who was gentle and loving, who was giving and supportive. A man who loved me with every fiber of himself and in a beautiful, Godly way. I also saw that I loved him the same way...then we got married and it all went to hell.

Strange how our perceptions change. I had been asking God to soften my heart. Maybe this is an answer to prayer. I'm hopeful but cautious. In no way does this mean he is off the hook, it just means that I am seeing more than I was and am less blinded by the anger and resentments. I still have that anger and will hold on to it as long as I need to. I use it as strength right now. Something I've never acknowledged that I've done. But as much as I hate anger, it has served its purpose well in my life. I'm afraid of becoming my mother and other abusers in my life but I realize that I have self-control now and I'm a lot less afraid of myself. That's been a blessing because I have given myself the okay to be mad and I find it comforting to be there and know it will continue to keep me on the right track.

On to H. He had therapy today too and for the first time, I was given a genuine, whole-hearted apology. Not one riddled with excuses or blaming but a humble and repentant sorry. It shocked me. I saw shame, I saw guilt, I saw sadness, I saw a broken soul before me. Now whether it stays, we will see but I was impressed. Of course I didn't let him know how impressed I was but I did thank him. The other thing that was unusual about it was that he was without words. Not his way. He's one of those that likes to drive it home 300 different ways before giving it up. He said only he was sorry for everything and he listed everything. Then he said all his actions have repercussions and consequences and he was prepared to accept those.

Wow! Acceptance and humility. Not his strengths. But if God can work in my life and those around us, why can't he work in H's life as well? I have seen my daughters overcome amazing trauma's and life issues. I have seen them fight battles with depression and self-harm. I have seen them deny who they are just to try to fit into the world they once lived in. I have also seen them rise above the pressure, above the ugliness that once consumed them and become better and amazing human beings. If God can work in them like he has, why not H? Truth is, God can. God can do anything. Not just in H's life but in mine and in the life of this family.

I don't know what the future is going to hold. I will NOT go back to the life it once was. There is absolutely no doubt in that. If H and I stay together it will not be because I have given in to the pressure and loneliness. It will be because God has ordained it and has brought both our hearts to a place where there can be the kind of love a husband and wife need to have for each other. Again I surrender it to Him who is the great I Am and just wait and see. For now, I'm treading lightly, keeping my true thoughts to myself but hoping for the best. And as I'm doing that, I'm watching closely to see if the repentant heart that has been revealed to me stays that way or if we go back to the old crap. Maybe this will stick...who knows...but this is still the last chance; the last stand, the last hurrah or whatever other metaphor you want to use. The fat lady sings or this is over.

Operator, operator

Well things just continue to go downhill. Yesterday was mothers day and his idea of giving me a good mothers day was to keep the kids away from me as much as possible. Seriously. My oldest at home wanted to hang out with me and he told her no. Later in the day he proceeded to tell the girls that I was having a hard time and they needed to respect my space. Of course he wasn't. He was all up in my face, demanding attention, talking about us and stuff. One of the girls had soccer practice so he and I went to that and while she was at practice, we went for a drive.

Driving seems to be the best time for us to communicate. I'm more likely to say what I feel. So he and I ended up fighting. He gave me his ring and said "fine if your so unhappy, here's my ring". I took it, took mine off. Well my band because he still hasn't given me back my real wedding ring yet. And I chucked them both out the window and told him I was done. And I am.

Surprisingly I have no regrets. Like I've said in a different post, maybe I've been sabotaging this. I don't think so. The old behavior creeping up was evidence to me that this isn't going to work. He and I make great friends. That's all we are going to be from here on. He had asked for 2 months, I'll give it to him. It is in God's hands now if this is going to work or not. I'm in no hurry to move on so he can have whatever time he wants. I won't let it go more than a year though.

I hadn't shared it with the kids and tonight at dinner when they realized he wasn't coming home because he works nights this week, my littlest says "So Mom, he's not being nice again". I told her I noticed and showed her my ringless hand. I explained the situation as he and I have agreed to it. She asked a few questions then clarified, so you and he are friends, he's going to live here so you can still be around for us and he can be our step dad but you aren't married so if he gets too mean we can kick him out?

I said yes but that struck me as odd. Am I showing my kids to always keep an escape hatch open? Am I so resentful towards the institition of marriage that I'm teaching my kids to not trust it? I'm really not sure. She's only 12 so I didn't want to get into too much but I wonder what messages I'm sending, good or bad. I hope that I'm sending the message that abuse and control are not ok. I hope I'm sending a message that relationships are a two way street. I hope I'm sending the message that they come first and find someone who is compatible and someone who they know very, very well before marrying.

It reminds me of that operator game I used to play in elementary school where you sit in a circle and someone makes up a sentence and it gets passed along until the last person says it out loud. I always thought it was fun to see how it was going to get messed up. But this isn't fun. This is the future of my kids. I know I'm messed up but I'd rather not give them the gift of lifetime therapy like my mom gave me. I would take that as a failure and be very ashamed of myself. But we haven't gotten to the end of the circle so I don't know what is being thought. I have to wait and see and hope that somehow the message doesn't get too screwed up. Good thing I've got God to clarify things when I can't because this little game isn't cool.

Here we go again

I'm not going to get into all the details but yesterday was a Wow day for me. He asked me out on a date. We went for sushi. The girls were upset about it because earlier in the week we were overdrawn and he said the oldest living at home couldn't get her hair and nails done for prom today but he had money to take me out. They commented on how he's horrible with money management and then pressed me on how much longer this was going to go on. They asked me when I was going to kick him out so we could live differently. I struggled with this so much. Mama Bear wants to jump in and yet I'm the parent and there are boundaries that I need to respect. I listened to them vent, my heart breaking, then I told them I understood their frustrations, that I felt it too but we are still married and you don't just walk away from a marriage. They of course didn't understand and are so miserable seeing me miserable that they just want a release.

Regardless of their feelings, we went out. I was quiet and he asked what was up. I told him I was still processing from Thursday's therapy and he asked what I was processing. I'm sure he wishes now he wouldn't have asked because I told him. I told him about Mama Bear. How I need to start following my instincts to not only protect the kids but also protect myself. How I need to treat myself better and that I cannot allow him or anyone else to manipulate my feelings so I step away from what I instinctually know is right. Well that turned into a pissing fight with him. I keep telling him it wasn't specifically about him, it is my feelings and what I'm dealing with but he saw it as a personal attack. So I went there.

Over the course of dinner we discussed how I feel controlled, how the kids aren't happy, how I'm not happy and how he isn't happy. I told him I still fear him and am waiting for the next time he will go off on me physically. I told him how I am weary of not being able to be myself. He wanted examples so I gave them. Then he told me he was tired because I snore. That he was unhappy because I won't let him take a mortgage out on the house so he can't fix anything. He said he was unhappy because I am not the woman he married.

I agreed with him (except the snoring part), and told him the woman he married was compliant, was willing to sacrifice everything for the acceptance of a man. She was a woman influenced by her parents and shamed into a relationship that I didn't want. She is someone who is disappearing and the real me is coming out. But it feels that every time she starts to come out she is condemned. He said it's my fault because I don't tell him that's what I'm doing. I told him it shouldn't matter so now we are left face to face staring at each other across an invisible line. In or out and he's left it up to me.

I don't know why but I wasn't able to just say it. "Leave and lets try this from afar." So once we got home, my girlfriend K invited me over. Much to his annoyance I left to hang out with her. After telling her about the last week and a half she said it's like I keep getting signs from God that this needs to end. I had to agree. It does. But I don't want to be rash or reactive and yet here I am head to head with him and not having the courage to say the words I need to say.

I get home and he snatches my cell phone from my hands and says "are you going to pay for this?", he tells me that I would be nothing without him. That I am going to have to go and because he pays for everything around here and if I don't want him then I don't get the stuff either. I corrected him and reminded him that he didn't pay for this house, my Dad did and it's mine. I reminded him that I don't give a crap about stuff and he can take his Lexus and leave. He asked if that's what I really wanted and of course, rather than telling him yes I had to give him reasons. I just want him to agree with me that this is making all of us unhappy. But he won't agree. He won't acknowledge his unhappiness affects the entire household. He honestly believes that if I would just go back to the woman he married, that this will work out and we will be happy. I cannot get him to understand that I cannot live like that anymore. I take that back, I refuse to live like that anymore.

So the fight is over, we climb into bed and he asks me if he should look for a place to live. I told him I didn't know and rolled over to go to sleep. ANOTHER chance that I could have told him to go and I didn't. Am I just a chicken shit? I mean really. I had an evening to be able to say enough and I didn't. But I didn't coddle him either which is my normal routine. That made him mad too. He expected me to, I could see it in his face. He used his usual tactics to make it about him and make me feel sorry for him. But I didn't allow myself to go there this time. I could have, and I wanted to but I kept telling myself no this time. It's about me and my feelings and I'm protecting my kids and myself. This is okay. I don't have to make peace. So I didn't and for that I'm glad about. A step in the right direction despite the turmoil it caused in my marriage.

I think I know the ending of this story but God has a way of turning thing around so I'm going to give it this weekend to see what happens here. Will this zit that is growing pop or will it heal and become a part of the face? It's gonna be a strange one to see if he budges because I'm on my side already and the kids are with me. He can join us or not. But as he said to my Dad 8 years ago, "I'm not going to wait forever".

Soar

I didn't write yesterday because there was so much going through my head I just didn't even know how to put things down on paper. Or virtual paper I guess. I met with my Dad and in the true spirit of honesty, I laid out what has been happening with my husband and I. I told him about the deadline I had set, told him about the control issues, told him about how the kids want nothing to do with him anymore. My Dad is a pastor so I was expecting a pastoral response about honoring God and my commitment to him through marriage and those kinds of things. What I got was totally a surprise.

Dad acknowledged the control. He has seen it. He admitted that he was a part of the control early on before H and I got married because he was a part of pushing me to marry H. He said that he was also controlled by H in because H was saying he wouldn't wait any longer for me to make up my mind and so my parents pushed, H pushed and I gave in. Dad also was shocked at the change of heart, how determined I am to be healthier and no longer live controlled. He asked what happened.

I told him how K would ask me if I was okay after H would get on me at practices. I told him how G said he knows H loves me but doesn't seem to like me. I told him how the girls said they don't think H likes them either. Then he said to me "that was an act of God". He thought that I would stay in this place and continue to placate the situation like he did. He thought that H dying was going to be the only way that this could get better. He thought I was going to continue a family pattern of abusive and controlling marriages. And he was relieved.

He told me how he would have made changes in his life had he been strong enough. He told me that living a lifetime with a controlling partner is the worst choice he had ever made. He told me that when he looks back at how it was for us kids growing up, he feels guilt and shame. I was stunned. He had never admitted that before and I asked how he came to that realization. He said it took my Mom's death and him actually being free to realize how imprisoned he really was.

I cannot adequately express the relief and joy I felt hearing him say that. Joy! Like real JOY! Some of it was that I wanted his support and didn't dare to hope that I would get it because of his standing in the church. The other part was hearing from someone on the other side who didn't move, was rescued from his situation by God himself and has come out with blessings he didn't even know could be. It fed the hope I have of a better future of a life where I am not daily condemned or shamed or controlled. It helped me see that my hope is not futile nor the efforts I'm making now to improve my life worthless. There is a future in the direction I'm going. Even if I don't know what the future is going to be. I don't need to have a vision for myself any longer. I only need to keep God in the center of my vision and the rest will fall into place. I had to text my friends about it. Well K and G anyway. Almost accidently text L too but I'm working hard to respect those boundaries he set...or his wife set. Not really sure. But it doesn't matter. I am looking ahead!

I still am going to honor my agreement with H to wait until June 1, 2015 and going to move forward as if this isn't going to work out. But the pressure has been released. Having it affirmed by a man ordained by God that ending an unhappy marriage is okay has given me freedom. I will have my new beginning. I will change the patterns of abuse in my life. I will rise above where I'm at and how life is and it will be what God wants it to be. I believe in the Word of God and I believe in his promises of love, hope, joy, peace, safety, happiness, prosperity and health. Finally hearing that I am in God's graces in this is just what I needed to get ready to fly; cuz this bird is going to do more than fly, I'm going to soar!

Resurrection Day

Really wishing I wouldn't have thought about how strong I thought I was with my mom. Ever since I've been having memories of me standing there with resolve, not even flinching as the punches, slaps and whatever she had in her hand came flying at me. What a sick thing to think about. Those are feelings I used to feel pride about. Now I'm angry and sad. But I still can't cry. I leak. But I don't cry.

 

I specify a difference because my eyes well up and a tear or two might fall but I don't willingly let anything out. There has never been an exception. I've never felt safe enough, even alone to just release it. I need to though. As the memories float to the surface I find myself feeling overwhelmed and anxious. But I still refuse to go there. I just can't. My heart is not safe around my husband. That's not his fault either. He really wants to be there for me, he just can't help himself. He feels like it's helpful to tell me how I should handle myself. I have repeatedly asked him just to listen, to hold me, to just be there and he cannot be. Again, not his fault. He only knows how to correct in an attempt to help. But with stuff like this, there isn't a right or wrong, it just is or isnt. And with him around it isn't.

 

My girlfriend K could possibly be a safe person if we could actually have time without interruption. My therapist would be but he can't touch me. My guyfriend L definitely is and has come close to breaking me a couple times without even trying but we aren't allowed to be alone so it doesn't matter. So I keep stuffing and little bits dribble out despite my unwillingness to let it go. I'm literally going to explode one of these days. I just hope the situation in which that happens is appropriate.

 

My username is Mia Phoenix. Although Mia is not Mia it's M.I.A. or missing in action. I used to relate to the Phoenix; rising from the ashes into an amazing creature of fire and healing. Now I see that I may have risen from the ashes of my childhood but I'm not flying yet and I am not healed. I'm trying and fighting my way through this in hopes of living a life worthy of the title of a Phoenix but for now, the Phoenix in me is M.I.A. Thus Mia Phoenix.

 

Ironic really because today is Easter. A day of resurrection. Perhaps one of these Easters I will just be a Phoenix instead of Mia Phoenix. Until then, I'll keep fighting through the memories, keep numbing myself to just cope with living with H and place my hope in God for a life I desperately want before I have no life left in me to live. But maybe that's the point. Maybe I have to die before I can be reborn. Maybe I have to embrace the pain, the tears, the years and accept the unacceptable before I can fly. Even if it's not Easter, that will be my resurrection day.