Treading water

I'm super excited about the weekend! He gave me a budget which was a very generous amount. I won't use it all. However after all the accusations and other things I find myself not sure about going. Not that I'm going to do anything wrong but because his insecurities have made me feel guilty and ashamed.

Its those kind of things that I am not sure I can continue to live with. Without even trying he makes me feel like crap about myself. I know it is because I am hyper-sensitive and just doing what I was trained to do as a child but it still sucks. I get tired sometimes and I wonder how long I can keep fighting to keep my head above water. It would be so easy to just let it all suck me under and allow myself to fall prey to the current that is trying so hard to make me what I was. And some days, I want that. I want to go back to the control, the manipulation, the shame, the guilt. At least I knew what to expect and how to deal with it. This new way is really tiring.

I have managed to get my head above water. I see light and know there is something beyond the horizon but don't know what it is. I find myself overwhelmed and afraid. What if there isn't anything beyond what I can see? What if there is but it's too far away and I won't be able to make it there? What if I'm wrong and all this work and struggling is just in vain? Have I wasted all this time and effort on learning who I am and trying to have a place where it's okay to be, just to have it be a life raft with a hole in it?

That's where God has to come in. Those questions are legitimate and real for me and the only answer is faith. I have to believe there is something there. I have to have hope in a God who has never left me down before. I have to hang on, find strength deep inside that I don't usually tap into and stay-the-course. I know I do...but some days even faith is hard to have.

So I will keep treading water and anxiously await my opportunity to have 4 nights and 5 days rest. I fear it will be impeded on, robbed from me or turn into a spectacle of unknown proportion because I don't believe H can let go of control and jealousy. But I am so desperate for the opportunity that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Amoeba Woman

I'm going away this weekend. I'm looking forward to the time alone. Its something I used to do every 3 months or so just to keep my head on straight and manage my feelings. I've never lived in a situation where I have the luxury of being okay with being vulnerable around my family. That's sad to me because it should be that way. I think of home as a sanctuary but it's not.

I am so jealous of those that get their home to be their away places. Maybe I'm delusional but I feel like I should be able to cry in front of my spouse. I should be able to break down and he will take care of the kids, house, pets, whatever it is while I'm having my "moment". I should expect to be able to cry on his shoulder and not have to fear the repercussions or have it turned around into all about him. I cannot tell you how desperately I want that. I'm actually a little pouty about it. What the hell...why hasn't it been that way?

I know why it hasn't been that way. Its because I haven't been honest with anyone around me especially not men I'm in a relationship with. Not that I don't want to be but the past has had such a hold on me, that I have been an amoeba. I change color and shape with the needs of my partner. All to make sure they stay happy. Meanwhile I'm not being true to myself. That's the kind of stuff I told H last night.

He came home from work pissed off about it too. He has every right. What he thought was genuine feelings between us was me trying to make everyone around me happy. He felt it. I didn't. He really didn't understand that before. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. I made him listen. He needs to hear me. I suppose I shouldn't care so much but I do.

I care because I want him to be okay after the divorce. Stupid right? But this is all my fault. Yes he had his issues however I have never been honest with him like I have been lately. That's because I'm figuring out who I am and liking what I am finding. Mostly anyway... But I want him to walk away knowing it wasn't him. He has issues like any of us but the core issue that makes this not work it on me. I wasn't me.

Of course then he tells me he loves me anyway, forgives me and asks if he would be so horrible to live with. I just ignore the question and change the subject. The truth is no, he wouldn't be if the changes he's made recently are real. However, as I keep telling him, what I don't know is if I'm going to be able to let go all of the crap that has happened. His actions on top of my history and left very deep wounds that will scar when they heal. I will be wounded and I don't think I can ever allow myself to be in that place of vulnerability again. At least not with him. Truthfully in therapy, I just want to be able to go there with someone sometime and as me. Not the person my parents tried to force me to be, not the person I constantly changed to be to make those around me happy, but me.

I have a friend who is insistent that he is not worth knowing. It makes me sad that he would feel that way and yet I can relate. I often wonder why people would bother with me. I'm a mess. I don't mean that in a feel sorry for me way but more in my head way. I don't see myself yet the way others see me. I know I will someday but at least that's what I'm looking for. S doesn't believe there is anything for anyone to see. I will keep praying for him.

Anyway, back to the point. The days of me being wishy-washy with who I am and what I believe in are gone. Now as I find myself, I'm going to hold on to it and if people don't like it, too bad. I like me. God doesn't make junk, and that includes me. :) It's a good day...

Mr. Rogers Neighborhood

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Wouldn't it be nice to live in a place where Mr. Rogers lives? A place where cats give sound advice, doctors live in tree houses and a little train talks to you? Sounds like a cool place to be. But here is cool too. Especially when the weather is as beautiful as it is.

I love the sun. I love water too. And fire... Guess I love it all. But the sun seems to help when you're crying on the inside. It makes you realize there is a new day, a more positive future, a happiness in store for you. Even if we don't know what it is, the sun reminds us to smile.

I love to smile, to laugh. I'm doing so much more now. The girls and I have so much fun together. I know H feels like crap because we don't include him but he refuses to leave so he gets what he gets. Not to be a bitch or anything but he's torturing himself. We have fun and that's ok. We don't rub his nose in it but we don't hide anymore either.

I told him today how they have been feeling. How they have seen the way he has treated their Mom, how they want him gone too, how they are hoping this marriage is over, how he has been a jerk to them too and it isn't just me that he's going to have to make amends with. I think that took him by surprise.

He honestly didn't realize how much they had seen and experienced. When the girls and I got back from a fun afternoon, he was sitting in a chair on the deck with a forlorn look on his face. I asked him what was up. He said this whole thing could have been different if he had just listened sooner. He may not have lost everything if he had not been so arrogant. That was good to hear.

He's right. It could have been different if he had earned my heart. But he didn't. He took it. He got a ring on me and took me for a ride. My friend asked me to think back to the beginning. Did I love him? Was I eager to spend every moment with him? Did I want to jump his bones every chance I got because I thought he was the sexiest thing on two legs? Was my heart empty without him near? I wish I could say yes but I can't. I was resistant from the beginning. I didn't even want to date much less get married again.

After my last divorce, I wanted to heal. Much like now. I wanted to be alone. I looked forward to the challenge of it and the time with my girls while they were still in the house. I wanted a clean start. And I was broken. Oh so broken. I tear up thinking about how broken and vulnerable I actually was. I wish I would have trusted myself. I wish I would not have let my parents guilt and shame me. I wish I would have taken the time I needed. But I didn't. I went along with the flow assuming my parents knew what was best for me. Wow, was I wrong. But so were they.

No one wins in a divorce. It hurts everyone. The exes, the kids, the families, the friends. Absolutely everyone is affected. Amazing the ripple effect of this kind of life changing event. But some of those ripples can be good if allowed. He can have a better future. I can have a better future. The married friends in our life can see this as a chance to remind their spouses how good they are and thank God for the relationship they have. The kids get their Mom as she was intended to be thus having more peace and security. It can be good. I hope it is.

I hope that his recent realizations help him to see he needs to leave. I really don't want to get the police involved. I hope his understanding and apparent acceptance that this is over, will motivate him to walk away with dignity instead of fighting for something that isn't mutually there. I hope we can do this as friends and not get stuck in a legal battle over stuff and possessions. In Mr. Rogers Neighborhood we could. But that's not where we are...are we?

Time to amputate

Funny, I just wrote a blog not more than a few hours ago. Odd how things can change in the blink of an eye. After I blogged, I was looking for a pic to go with it and noticed IE telling me there had been some visits so a key blogger site. I check them out and decide to search the computer. Wow. So glad I did.

I found H had downloaded it. He has been spying on me. I have nothing to hide except the feelings I write in my blog but even then, they don't have to be hidden. I choose for them to remain hidden. He was at work so I called him but he didn't answer so I sent him texts. I confronted him on it and he told me it was because of our daughter. He was worried about her and then he apologized for not telling me. I called him a liar. Then he admitted he lied to me. He has been watching me. He thinks I've been having an affair and he's been trying to catch me. I told him he could keep trying but the only thing I have to hide is my blog and he could see it if he wants. It will only hurt him to read it. Not me.

I was furious. What an ahole. I mean really. Once we finally got to talk about it, he told me it was my fault that he's trying to control me because I don't confront him when he's being a douche. Yup. My fault he can't keep his hands to himself. My fault that I've allowed him to make me his emotional punching bag. My fault he is rapidly losing control of me.

Some of those I imagine are true. I should have said something. I should have not put up with it. I shouldn't have allowed this all to happen. But I did. Now I'm trying to change it and he thinks I'm not trying. Ugh. WTF!

So I tell him to leave, we are over. This is the final straw. I refuse to be subjected to this any longer. He tells me he won't go. I can buy him out of the house but it's all half his. Now that pissed me off even more. Besides a couch and a fridge, everything else has been given to us by my family. Oh wait, he purchased the dishes set. But whatever. I asked him if he's going to kick the kids and I out and he said no, that would be my choice. If I want to go, I'm free to go but he's not. Wow. I reminded him of the gifts and he says they were meant for him too and just because hes been a jerk doesn't mean he deserves to lose it all. Huh. I beg to differ. If he had purchased it, he can have it. But my family stuff is mine.

Yet at the same time. He can have the fucking stuff. I'm so done. So tomorrow I go get a job, start looking for an apartment, collecting boxes and packing. We are gone. The girls want him gone too. They aren't going to be happy about moving anymore than I am but if he wants his stuff, he can have it. I'm not asking for stuff. I want respect. I want care. I want love.

He tells me that I need to give it one more shot. I asked him what that meant and he tells me that should come from a 3rd party. So he's suggesting marriage counseling again. When I asked him why he didn't take it seriously the first time we did it for 18 months he said he didn't know. Then I ask him why this is different and he says because he will listen now. Fuck that. I highly doubt it but ok. Whatever. Then I say, and if it doesn't work then what? He says we walk away friends.

Interesting thought. Because right now I'm sure I cannot be his friend. Selfish SOB can kiss my ass. But what do I have to lose? Nothing I haven't already. All I care about it me and my kids. So whatever. Of course I have to point out as we are talking, he's sitting at the dinner table letting me wait on him like he's a fucking king. And I just can't believe he is so arrogant he cannot hear the bullshit coming out of his mouth or see that he still allows me to service him, he expects it, it's normal and how it should be. That's the problem. He and I don't see eye to eye on what a marriage is.

Part of me wants to go find some guy to fuck and parade it around in front of him. He's already convinced I'm a slut so why not be one and give him what he wants? Then I get what I want too. An out. He wouldn't tolerate that and it would be over but I have this fear of losing friends, family and whomever because it's not how I would normally behave. I suppose I shouldn't care but I do. I will not make it through this without my friends. I cannot jeopardize them. Although I could sleep with someone I don't have feelings for and not care at all how it affects him. I'm just that mad. But what would it do to me?

It would hurt me. I'm better than that. I'm not that type of person. I might be curious and adventurous but I'm not irresponsible. Yet the kids want him gone, I want him gone and he refuses to go. I just don't know how many more chances I have for him. I have none. But can I find one for this to end amicably? I don't know. He's asking for one more. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that over the last decade. Then it's my fault for not standing up to him. I'm in a lose, lose situation and there is nothing I can do about it. It sucks. So why do I hold on to any assemblence of integrity when I can't walk away with any? Even when this goes south, he will tell people he thought I was cheating. It's the second time I've been accused of that. How do I know he hadn't been and that's why he's so sure I am. Whatever. Not worth more of my time.

But this is over. From killing hamsters to policing me like a cross eyed psycho stalker, this man is sick and I want no part of it. There is no bandaid big enough to cover the wound in me now. Too bad. Two weeks ago I actually started to believe it could work. Now it's time to cut this part off and learn how to live alone.

Operator, operator

Well things just continue to go downhill. Yesterday was mothers day and his idea of giving me a good mothers day was to keep the kids away from me as much as possible. Seriously. My oldest at home wanted to hang out with me and he told her no. Later in the day he proceeded to tell the girls that I was having a hard time and they needed to respect my space. Of course he wasn't. He was all up in my face, demanding attention, talking about us and stuff. One of the girls had soccer practice so he and I went to that and while she was at practice, we went for a drive.

Driving seems to be the best time for us to communicate. I'm more likely to say what I feel. So he and I ended up fighting. He gave me his ring and said "fine if your so unhappy, here's my ring". I took it, took mine off. Well my band because he still hasn't given me back my real wedding ring yet. And I chucked them both out the window and told him I was done. And I am.

Surprisingly I have no regrets. Like I've said in a different post, maybe I've been sabotaging this. I don't think so. The old behavior creeping up was evidence to me that this isn't going to work. He and I make great friends. That's all we are going to be from here on. He had asked for 2 months, I'll give it to him. It is in God's hands now if this is going to work or not. I'm in no hurry to move on so he can have whatever time he wants. I won't let it go more than a year though.

I hadn't shared it with the kids and tonight at dinner when they realized he wasn't coming home because he works nights this week, my littlest says "So Mom, he's not being nice again". I told her I noticed and showed her my ringless hand. I explained the situation as he and I have agreed to it. She asked a few questions then clarified, so you and he are friends, he's going to live here so you can still be around for us and he can be our step dad but you aren't married so if he gets too mean we can kick him out?

I said yes but that struck me as odd. Am I showing my kids to always keep an escape hatch open? Am I so resentful towards the institition of marriage that I'm teaching my kids to not trust it? I'm really not sure. She's only 12 so I didn't want to get into too much but I wonder what messages I'm sending, good or bad. I hope that I'm sending the message that abuse and control are not ok. I hope I'm sending a message that relationships are a two way street. I hope I'm sending the message that they come first and find someone who is compatible and someone who they know very, very well before marrying.

It reminds me of that operator game I used to play in elementary school where you sit in a circle and someone makes up a sentence and it gets passed along until the last person says it out loud. I always thought it was fun to see how it was going to get messed up. But this isn't fun. This is the future of my kids. I know I'm messed up but I'd rather not give them the gift of lifetime therapy like my mom gave me. I would take that as a failure and be very ashamed of myself. But we haven't gotten to the end of the circle so I don't know what is being thought. I have to wait and see and hope that somehow the message doesn't get too screwed up. Good thing I've got God to clarify things when I can't because this little game isn't cool.