Amoeba Woman

I'm going away this weekend. I'm looking forward to the time alone. Its something I used to do every 3 months or so just to keep my head on straight and manage my feelings. I've never lived in a situation where I have the luxury of being okay with being vulnerable around my family. That's sad to me because it should be that way. I think of home as a sanctuary but it's not.

I am so jealous of those that get their home to be their away places. Maybe I'm delusional but I feel like I should be able to cry in front of my spouse. I should be able to break down and he will take care of the kids, house, pets, whatever it is while I'm having my "moment". I should expect to be able to cry on his shoulder and not have to fear the repercussions or have it turned around into all about him. I cannot tell you how desperately I want that. I'm actually a little pouty about it. What the hell...why hasn't it been that way?

I know why it hasn't been that way. Its because I haven't been honest with anyone around me especially not men I'm in a relationship with. Not that I don't want to be but the past has had such a hold on me, that I have been an amoeba. I change color and shape with the needs of my partner. All to make sure they stay happy. Meanwhile I'm not being true to myself. That's the kind of stuff I told H last night.

He came home from work pissed off about it too. He has every right. What he thought was genuine feelings between us was me trying to make everyone around me happy. He felt it. I didn't. He really didn't understand that before. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. I made him listen. He needs to hear me. I suppose I shouldn't care so much but I do.

I care because I want him to be okay after the divorce. Stupid right? But this is all my fault. Yes he had his issues however I have never been honest with him like I have been lately. That's because I'm figuring out who I am and liking what I am finding. Mostly anyway... But I want him to walk away knowing it wasn't him. He has issues like any of us but the core issue that makes this not work it on me. I wasn't me.

Of course then he tells me he loves me anyway, forgives me and asks if he would be so horrible to live with. I just ignore the question and change the subject. The truth is no, he wouldn't be if the changes he's made recently are real. However, as I keep telling him, what I don't know is if I'm going to be able to let go all of the crap that has happened. His actions on top of my history and left very deep wounds that will scar when they heal. I will be wounded and I don't think I can ever allow myself to be in that place of vulnerability again. At least not with him. Truthfully in therapy, I just want to be able to go there with someone sometime and as me. Not the person my parents tried to force me to be, not the person I constantly changed to be to make those around me happy, but me.

I have a friend who is insistent that he is not worth knowing. It makes me sad that he would feel that way and yet I can relate. I often wonder why people would bother with me. I'm a mess. I don't mean that in a feel sorry for me way but more in my head way. I don't see myself yet the way others see me. I know I will someday but at least that's what I'm looking for. S doesn't believe there is anything for anyone to see. I will keep praying for him.

Anyway, back to the point. The days of me being wishy-washy with who I am and what I believe in are gone. Now as I find myself, I'm going to hold on to it and if people don't like it, too bad. I like me. God doesn't make junk, and that includes me. :) It's a good day...

Storms

H and I had a really good talk tonight. He's accepting of the separation. He's not leaving but he's aware of our relationship status and that there are no guarantees. I laid it all out for him. All those things that's I've avoided saying so I didn't hurt him were said. All those secrets I've kept about the things that have hurt me over the years. He said it was like they all just came from nowhere. I'm sure it felt that way.

I finally said enough and now the dust is settling. I had been blinded by the life we were in. It was a whirlwind of emotion, abuse, anger, resentment but now that the twister has gone, we can see what damage has been done and what we are going to need to do to make it right.

There are some things that can be repaired. Things that were annoyances that are easy to compromise on. Things that in many cases, I took personally but weren't meant that way at all. I can tell him my feelings were hurt, accept an apology, forgive and move on.

Other things can be rebuilt. We can learn to be friends again. We can find common ground and take it from there. We can build on the foundation of God's love as brother and sister in Christ.

But some things are going to have to be replaced. What that is has yet to be determined. Some things just aren't worth investing time and energy into. Some things are. Some things have been destroyed by the storm to the degree that there is no choice but to buy a new one.

Buy. Huh what an interesting thought. Another way to say it would be invest. What is it we will invest in? Will we invest in a life together or a life apart? Will we invest in a marriage or friendship? I say we but truth is it's me. What am I willing to invest in?

He's already said he wants to invest in our home, our marriage, our future. You think I'd be happy to hear that but I'm not. You would think as a wife I'm relieved and glad but I'm not. I'm mortified at the idea. I do not believe he is worth investing anymore time in. Wait, I believe he is. I don't believe the marriage is. Because as long as he's in my face, I'm not going to be able to forgive. He thinks I can so he stays. He has been told otherwise by not just me but he refuses to listen. Then he also chooses the consequences.

Time will tell. One of the good things we talked about was the house. It is mine. He won't take it from me he said. I'm going to make him prove it by transferring the deed into my name only and signing a legal doc saying he won't but I'm hoping that he will stay true to his word. So that's one less thing I'm going to worry about as we settle in after the storm.

One thing about storms is that everything has been washed clean. It is fresh and the world rejuvenates. Once the dust settles and the clouds disappear, we get to start again. In the meantime, it's time for me to take inventory and decide what is going to need to be repaired, rebuilt, and replaced.

What a morning

I'm sitting in church right now. Should probably be listening to the sermon but I'm not. I'm angry. H told me this morning that he has been researching on the internet and he sees now I'm having a midlife crisis and he no longer has to accept responsibility for anything that's between us, that he forgives me and he will wait for as long as it takes for me to get over my crisis. Ugh. Initially I was relieved. He gets it. No more pressure.
But as it soaked in while we were practicing, I started to get pissed. Really? He has no part of this?

So naturally it's ok for him to require a receipt anytime I spend money? It's ok to get a daily allowance of miles on the odometer which he checks every morning before work? It's ok to ground me from my phone, the computer or other things because I'm a child that needs punishment? Its ok that he must be served and start eating first before the rest of us are allowed? Those things don't need change? Hmm. I disagree.

Clearly this isn't going to work. But I'm almost glad for the midlife crisis thing. He honestly believes that and it could make things amicable between us. That would make the divorce a heck of a lot easier not only for me but family and friends. People are going to believe what they want anyway. I know this. I've done this a couple times before. As long as I stand on the truth and handle myself with respect and dignity, it should be good. Guess we will see.

I'm too tired to write much more now. Still so much sorting and processing happening but at least it's out there for now. Yay!

Baby Steps

Well, I've had a chance to think about Easter day and how that went in regards to H. It was actually a good day. He got mad at me first thing because I wanted to dress up for church and he wanted to wear jeans. I didn't tell him he needed to dress up, he just felt obligated because I was. But once the day played out, it was a decent day! In fact, I realized in reflecting about the day that I can be critical about him to our friends. I say things off the cuff that are true but not necessarily for the world to know about him. That's not cool. I'm going to work on that. I guess I am not above things slipping out sideways either. I'd like to think I'm better than that but naturally I am humbled. God does that a lot to me. Probably a good thing as I can be a snot but He does remind me that I'm not as strong, as put together, as organized, as stable as I like to think I am.

I have to give props to H as well because I drug him down to a friends house that he barely knows to hang out with her and her family which includes a set of 2 year old twins, a 4 year old, an 8 year old and her boyfriend. All in a 5 room, 2 bedroom upstairs apartment in the hood. Yes, they are black and yes I am white. Obviously not an issue because those are my friends but he's been a little sheltered. However he did great! Normally H is the kind of guy that if he's not having a good time he will make sure everyone around him knows it. He can't just keep it under wraps for the sake of those he is with. But yesterday, he did put on a happy face and handled it like a trooper. It was really nice. If he was upset or annoyed about it, he kept it to himself and I wasn't even noticing it. I am really glad to see a positive change. Even if it was just for Easter, it was a nice Easter because of it. I appreciate the gesture a lot.

What I've also noticed in reflecting about the day is that even though he gets mad at me a lot, I don't really let it stop me unless he throws a major fit. A little tantrum doesn't even phase me. I let him have his say and keep going about my way. Like the dress clothes, like at practices, like pretty much everything. So when I actually push him to point that he physically lashes out at me, it takes me by surprise. However it is no wonder that he feels disrespected. I totally don't respect him at all. I've been wondering if I could do everything his way. I don't know if I can. Let me rephrase that, I can but I don't know if I want to. I've done it before to get to this point in our marriage but I missed myself so much. I missed being me. Thus I still question whether or not we will be able to be together because I want to be me and have it be okay. It isn't fun to fight all the time and it isn't fun to feel like who I am isn't okay.

Despite that, I needed to be sure to document that he tried and that he made an effort. That was really good. Today things were back to normal when he got pissed off because I wanted to wash the floors on my hands and knees verses using a mop but whatever. Baby steps right?

TGIM

Yes I know that the usual anagram is TGIF but I'm glad it's Monday. Life gets back to normal and I don't have to live on high alert. I prefer that. My 19 year old has been hanging out with me today. It's pretty awesome. She likes Robyn. That's too bad because I think I'm going to have to insist he take her back.

I have so much anxiety about this car. We were barely paying the bills as it was. If it wasn't for the fact that we don't have a mortgage, we wouldn't be able to keep up. And the only reason we don't have a mortgage is because my Dad was the mortgage holder on the house and he gave it to us for Christmas this year. What an amazing gift. However my husband keeps wanting to take out a home equity loan for other things. I refuse to let him do it. He gets really mad at me but its foolish. If we could afford to have the mortgage, my Dad wouldn't have given us the house and we'd still be paying it. But we could barely do it and even without the mortgage, we are robbing Peter to pay Paul. Yet somehow the husband (or for future reference H), thinks we need a Lexus and that the increase in the car payments plus the increase in our insurance is going to be affordable. It's insane really. And who impulse buys a car?!?! Grr...

I suppose some of you reading this think I'm ungrateful. Perhaps I am. Logic will always win out for me and I don't like to owe anyone anything. The bible says that we aren't suppose to owe, we pay for what we get and that's that. Finance charges are a sin as well but I don't think the credit card companies and banks care. We live a cash lifestyle. He managed to mismanage so bad that we were nearly bankrupt. Some was his fault, some was mine, some was the economy. Regardless I love not having credit cards. I love paying cash (debit card) only and I hate owing people money. The Ford was almost paid off. But it was pretty beat up.

That bothered me only because H ripped the bumper off going over a speed bump too fast and he backed into a garage and dinged up the back end. Not cool. But because it was the car I primarily drove, I felt like I was being judged as a stupid woman driver. Clearly my own hang up. People probably didn't care at all. However I take a lot of pride in being a safe driver. I've never been in an accident and I have had one speeding ticket which was 21 years ago...maybe 22. I don't know. I was 18.

Unlike H who has gone to jail for stupid petty tickets, has had multiple, falls asleep at the wheel with the family in the car, has been the cause of many accidents and currently needs glasses something horrible but doesn't get them and drives even though he can't see the lines very well and barely the signs on the side of the road.

I can deal with those things. What I can't deal with is that after yesterday church, I wasn't allowed to drive the car the rest of the day because he wanted to. Last night before bed he set down some rules about where and when I could drive it today. Along with checking the odometer to make sure that I didn't put any unnecessary mileage on "his" car. But supposedly he bought the car for me. I'm pretty sure he knew I'd throw a fit about it because it was financially irresponsible so he presented it to me as a gift. A manipulation for him to have what he wanted. Whether or not it was a conscious effort to "dupe" me, I don't think so. He is really quite unaware how selfish he is. He thinks he sacrifices and gives to everyone around him...

Amazing how our perceptions vary. Of course I'm right because it's me. Lol! ;) Seriously though, how strange. I do wonder how much of my perceptions are truth and what I have created as drama in my head. I'm so unclear about my current mental status these days being in therapy. I really want healing and I want to be free finally from my past instead of making the same mistakes over and over again. So I always second guess myself and I don't know if I should or not. I do know that I don't trust his opinion so I ask my friends. K and G are awesome and super honest. I SO appreciate that. T is too but he's in his own la-la land. I don't really give what he has to say much credence. Not because he's a bad guy but because he just doesn't live in the same world as the rest of us. It's something I love about him! L is awesome too and really helpful being in the same situation but I've been forbidden to talk to him so that's not happening.

Anyway the point of all that was to say that I am glad it's Monday, I am resenting the car, I don't trust my own perceptions, I'm glad I'm in therapy and friends rock. :)

Until tomorrow...

D-Day

He and I have had some good conversation lately and finally have come to an agreement of sorts. It's exciting for me because we are moving in a direction. I don't even care which way, just moving. See, he wanted to separate in our minds and he would try to win me back. But he didn't like that I was distant and guarded around him. I didn't like that he can let go of being controlling when he thinks we aren't married. So we came to the conclusion that we will be all in for 1 year or so. June 1, 2015 we will decide if we are staying together or not. He wants the opportunity to change. My response to that was to question if he was changing because I am not happy. He said he didn't like who he has been.

Interesting. I have had moments where I don't like how I've behaved. But I haven't really not liked who I am. If he means that, then there could be hope. If not, then after June 1, 2015 we are done. Initially I thought I'd try to hang in there for another 6 years until our youngest graduates. Then I told my friend that and she laughed. And then I laughed. She said there's no way I could make it that long and she's totally right. I just can't pretend this is working for 6 years. But for one year, I can. For one year I will ignore the warning signs, I will pacify the situation, I will live my life uncaged and he will either freak out completely and walk away or he will stick with his plan to let go of control and he will be a better person.

I liked the idea a lot because I don't like being so guarded around him. I love him. Not romantically but I care about him deeply. I could learn to love. I don't want to but back to the hope thing, am I taking a gamble with not only my life but his? That's a lot of responsibility. However this compromise will give us both the opportunity to heal in the ways we need to and see if it's going to work or not without him being afraid I'm going to walk away or me being afraid I'll be stuck in this life forever. We both have choices with this plan. Perhaps it will be good and we will find out this can work. Or we will find out this can't work and walk away without it being a mess. It's a logical choice.

I hate that I'm even at this point in a marriage that I would feel the need to set a limit on whether or not we can be together. I feel like it shouldn't be like this. If we were going to work, this wouldn't even be a part of the discussion. However people are broken and we all have our stuff. Since I have this innate sense of justice, it feels right to offer a chance. Then I can walk away without guilt or thinking I didn't give it an honest shot or didn't give him a chance to make changes. Sad that it has taken this for him to take me seriously but whatever. It is what it is. I'm just glad to have some kind of resolution available.

Of course, if he does make changes and I think we can stay married, then I'm still confronted with the situation of whether or not I can trust it. But for now I'm going to just accept things as they are and not stress over it. It will be what it is going to be.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep blogging. It will be a good opportunity to continue to vent as well as keep track of the days and how they have gone. I'm not going to put on rose-colored glasses but I may not be as critical when I know I've got over a year to hang in there. I'll write about each day, good or bad as they come and before D-day I will read over everything I've written to see how it went. That way my optimism won't get the best of me and I will have an honest, daily account of life together. With that being said, he brought me flowers yesterday just because. That was very nice and he remembered that white daisies are my favorite. Score one for him...

 

Hope Above Hopes

I had coffee with my dad today. Technically we don't have coffee but get together at 1030 am. Coffee time. I gave up coffee and pop. Caffeine wigs me out. I am a much happier person when I'm not wigging out. Lol! But I'm not writing this to talk about my reaction to caffeine.

 

We talked about gamblers; people that buy lottery tickets placing their hope in a little piece of paper with numbers on it. Those that are addicted relentlessly purchase tickets hoping above all hopes that they will be the one out of 175+ million people who play and win the grand prize. Those odds aren't very good and yet there are people that are buying 5 at a time daily with the hope that is increasing their odds enough to win a billion dollars.

 

I can't help but wonder if I'm gambling with my future. It can go both ways. Its a gamble if I stay but a gamble if I leave. The odds of me finding the man that is my jackpot is slim at best. I'm going to make random guesses now, the odds of me finding any man I can tolerate is 1:10. The odds of finding someone who will treat me better 1:35. The odds of being alone; 0:0 (I have kids). It's actually kind of interesting. I went to the census bureau to see how many educated, single men in my age bracket there is and they have all kinds of stats. None that I'm going to quote to you but lets just say my initial estimates are quite liberal. The odds are less than I thought. Not to mention I'm not traveling the world looking for a mate. I'm not looking at all. If there is a chance meeting or he's already in my life, then that's how it's going to have to happen.

 

However with all the chances of a different future, what are the odds that my husband can be what I need? Can he change who he is for me? Should I even be asking him to? I keep saying he's a good man. He is and this whole thing is breaking his heart. I really hate hurting him like this but I can't give him false hope. Yet its unfair of me to ask him to hang in there because I'm deciding what our fate is going to be. He has told me that I will have to be the one to leave. He doesn't want to lose his wife. He admits he's been a douche-bag.

 

It's a risk to forgive and move on. I don't know if I can. Some day I will, but I don't know what it will take. I don't know if I can while we are still married and living together. Part of me thinks we should just move on and if we were meant to be, we can date and get married again. This time it would be my choice. But what are the odds of that? Why would I bother working on my anger towards him when we aren't married and I have a lifetime of crap to deal with just analyzing the relationship with my Mom? I wouldn't and that wouldn't happen. So that's really out of the question but since we are talking odds here, it is possible that could work. The odds aren't good but there are odds of it happening.

 

Again I wonder if the hope that I have is misguided. Because honestly it is the hope of a different life that is what challenges me here. I know I can make this work. I know I can deal with how he is and spend the rest of my life with him. I know I can keep playing it safe and keep the peace. It gets easier as the kids get older to juggle and balance his co-dependence. I can continue to not do things I want to. I can continue to make the best of this and let who I am wither away. I've been doing it. I totally can.

 

But hoping above all reasonable hopes won't let me step away from the possibility of a better life. Even a life alone means I don't have to justify why I wear my hair curly instead of brushing out the "f me curls" I've been accused of. Life alone means I will shovel my own snow, put up my own trim, paint my own house and grill my own food. A life alone means the girls and I get to laugh as loud, as hard and as long as we want. A life alone means my girlfriend and I can have a sleep over or late night at the bar and I am not threatened. A life alone means I get to play piano for hours if I want. A life alone means more camping, means more swimming, more gardening, more playing. Friends, mine and of the girls, come over more often. Camp-outs in the back yard or turning the tramp into a tent with blankets and sticks! But not everything about being alone is good.

 

A life alone means I will miss soccer games, school plays, concerts and other things because I am working. A life alone means we never eat out because we don't have extra money. A life alone means (if he doesn't want them) I sell the boats and the motorcycle. A life alone means I'm changing my own oil, doing brake jobs and other maintenance on my car. A life alone may mean there is just one car and girls don't get to use it when they need it. It means if I'm having a panic attack there is no on here to tell me I'm not dying. A life alone means I buy my own smokes at 10pm when I've forgotten to get them during the day. A life alone means if something goes wrong with the house, I have to figure out how to fix it or find money to have someone come in and help me. It would be a real inconvenience to be alone.

 

An inconvenience to be alone? That's it? That's the best I've got? It would be uncomfortable, not easy, and inconvenient. Really? What the heck. Seriously, what am I missing here? What am I not seeing? Is hope blinding me or is it really that easy? Is it really going to be that hard to take off jammie pants and run to the gas station? Is it going to be horrible if I miss a few school events? Because the major ones I'd lose my job over. Is it going to be a bad summer without boats and motorcycles? Will life be over if I can't find the money for someone to put gutters on the house? What if the boiler stopped working...I'd have to get creative. Space heaters, talk to my Dad and friends, check with the local county for help, I don't know exactly but we'd figure it out. I have never walked away from anything in my life because I thought it was going to be inconvenient or hard even.

 

I chose to keep a baby and raise her alone when I was told to give her up for adoption. I was ready to sacrifice whatever it took to make sure she was okay. I would do that for all my kids. And let me tell you, a lifetime commitment of raising a child was not a small decision nor an easy one. But I never look back nor regret making that choice. Even though she has put me through hell at moments in her life, I wouldn't choose to do it differently. I'm glad for it all. So to think that I would hesitate improving my life because of a petty reason is disappointing to me. I must be missing something or am I just so complacent now that I have lost the fight that was in me 19 years ago. Interesting...am I not a fighter anymore? I don't know. That will have to be another blog. However I do know that I still hope for more...is it really a hope above hopes or is the potential gain worth the risk? Guess I need to figure that out.