Wiley Coyote and The Roadrunner

I haven't posted in over a month. Some of it is because I had allowed myself to be so consumed with relational stuff I got tired of the same questions going around and around in my head. The other part is that I've been a little depressed because of my injured knee. I'm happy to say my knee is healing well and I think I'm going to avoid surgery. Yay!!!

I got to the point of surrender with my relationship with H. I wasn't getting answers and with or without him was going to work. There wasn't a best case scenario. So I finally told God. Whatever you want... His response was a quick picture in my brain. A 3 second clip of the Warner Bros Coyote chasing the road runner. As I processed that, I started to see all the attempts Wiley made to catch the roadrunner. I immediately understood that was me and my husband. H trying anything he can to catch me. Me running, playing emotional games, never truly committing.
Then I say to God, but he left. And I heard "meep, meep" in the familiar WB Roadrunner tone and again I understood. He gets tired of the chase and I re-engage him. All it takes is for me to pop up in his face, meep at him and the chase is on.

At this point, I find myself getting a little defensive. The word "but" starts to form but before it makes it out I am shut down. It was my cue to listen. As I surrendered, I suddenly began to get more. I saw the pain I was causing him. All the fears I had expressed about not being attractive, not making it alone in the future, not feeling loved. I saw how I was and just wasn't able to see it. I saw how my fears have rules my past, present and potential future.

Then God took me to my unforgivness, resentments and bitterness. I saw how I made most of it up because of my fear. I needed him to be the bad guy so I could justify my own insecurities. True, he has hit me. True, he has controlled me. True, he has been jealous. But he has never wavered on his love for me. I always have. He hasn't laid a hand on me in years. His underlying anger has disappeared. He has been humbling himself and doing whatever he can to make things right. Nothing I've acknowledged nor supported other than my occasional meep.

There are still new boundaries on this journey. But what was most amazing about surrendering and spending time with God was the healing that has taken place. God showed me the man H is and He showed me that H can't be that man until I'm steady. H has done his time. He has repented. God is working in him and it's time for me to stop putting faith in what I think I know and start living the way I know how.

After eating crow and apologizing for the years of pain that I have caused my husband, we had a wonderful talk and an understanding. He would control and be jealous when he thought he had caught me out of fear of losing me. I calmed those fears. Showed him a heart he knew was there but has never seen and he didn't run like I was sure he would. He stood there and told me I am beautiful. Still makes me cry when I talk about it. For the first time I believed him. Oh he probably meant it before, I just couldn't hear him. But now I do.

I'm not naive enough to think from here on its going to be a bed of roses. However without the doubt and anger, we stand a much better chance and I feel better knowing I'm more clear headed about it all.

I don't know how much I'm going to be able to write. Even though I'm not working, I'm staying busy. I'm excited to say our team wants to start our own ministry at our church! It might be a lot of work but it's the good kind of work. The kind where I spend several hours a day in prayer so that God can speak and direct our steps. Its work to shut off the brain. It's peaceful and amazing to be in His presence.

In the meantime, I will daily surrender my inner Roadrunner so she and the Coyote can live happily ever after... :)

Storms

H and I had a really good talk tonight. He's accepting of the separation. He's not leaving but he's aware of our relationship status and that there are no guarantees. I laid it all out for him. All those things that's I've avoided saying so I didn't hurt him were said. All those secrets I've kept about the things that have hurt me over the years. He said it was like they all just came from nowhere. I'm sure it felt that way.

I finally said enough and now the dust is settling. I had been blinded by the life we were in. It was a whirlwind of emotion, abuse, anger, resentment but now that the twister has gone, we can see what damage has been done and what we are going to need to do to make it right.

There are some things that can be repaired. Things that were annoyances that are easy to compromise on. Things that in many cases, I took personally but weren't meant that way at all. I can tell him my feelings were hurt, accept an apology, forgive and move on.

Other things can be rebuilt. We can learn to be friends again. We can find common ground and take it from there. We can build on the foundation of God's love as brother and sister in Christ.

But some things are going to have to be replaced. What that is has yet to be determined. Some things just aren't worth investing time and energy into. Some things are. Some things have been destroyed by the storm to the degree that there is no choice but to buy a new one.

Buy. Huh what an interesting thought. Another way to say it would be invest. What is it we will invest in? Will we invest in a life together or a life apart? Will we invest in a marriage or friendship? I say we but truth is it's me. What am I willing to invest in?

He's already said he wants to invest in our home, our marriage, our future. You think I'd be happy to hear that but I'm not. You would think as a wife I'm relieved and glad but I'm not. I'm mortified at the idea. I do not believe he is worth investing anymore time in. Wait, I believe he is. I don't believe the marriage is. Because as long as he's in my face, I'm not going to be able to forgive. He thinks I can so he stays. He has been told otherwise by not just me but he refuses to listen. Then he also chooses the consequences.

Time will tell. One of the good things we talked about was the house. It is mine. He won't take it from me he said. I'm going to make him prove it by transferring the deed into my name only and signing a legal doc saying he won't but I'm hoping that he will stay true to his word. So that's one less thing I'm going to worry about as we settle in after the storm.

One thing about storms is that everything has been washed clean. It is fresh and the world rejuvenates. Once the dust settles and the clouds disappear, we get to start again. In the meantime, it's time for me to take inventory and decide what is going to need to be repaired, rebuilt, and replaced.

Handcuffs

H has been working nights. It's awful and the only reason is because he's super clingy. I can't do anything without him following me around. Don't get me wrong, the company is nice but I see the way he looks at me and I know he wants more from me. Makes me very uncomfortable and I feel very unsafe. Especially when he tells me he's having trouble keeping it in his pants. I told him to go find a clean FWB. But he doesn't want to.

I find myself missing sex too but not with him. I don't know if it's because it's him and I'm angry or if it's because I want to screw around on my husband. Ugh. I even hate the sound of that. Husband and wife. It's like a curse for a lifetime of critiques, scrutiny and servitude. Ouch. I know it's not suppose to be like that.

H tells me he remembers all the good times and asks if I do. I ask him if he remembers the bad. He says not really because it was all him. Exactly. I remember good times. But there are a lot more bad memories. He tells me I need to focus on the good ones but he doesn't realize that they are good because I was being "good". I did what was expected of me to keep the peace. I did what I knew what would make him happy. It wasn't what I wanted, what I would have enjoyed....except for the art museum.

That was fun for me. But I had to stick by him. When I left his side he got pissy with me. But that's who I am. If I see something that interests me, my instinct is to go check it out. Not stand from afar and look. Or wait for him to get there. That's the child like heart in me that I love to nurture and constantly stuff in a box for him. Even now.

I have to fight the urge to be reckless. I'm trying so hard to do things right. But in my head and heart I wrestle. The immorality of a divorce plagues my thoughts. I can make this work if H stays how he has been... Outside of the occasional slip. But do I want to? No. I don't. I know I don't. But should I? Should I keep in this marriage because it is manageable? Is that what God would want?

Then on the other hand, when researching marriage, God intended it to be an example of Christ's love and relationship with his people. God being represented by the man and how he treats his wife and the wife representing his people and how we should respond to God's love. I have the privilege of knowing a couple who do that better than anyone I've ever known. Otherwise, the world appears to be stuck in a rut of what it expected and what they really want or need. Like me.

I know I've said I'd never get married again. Honestly that's not true. I would. I want to be in love. I want to be in a relationship that goes two ways. I want to find a man that sees me for who I am and doesn't want to change, fix or help me but wants to live it with me. That's all. I just want a companion. Someone to play music with, someone to putz on the yard with, someone to have bonfires, drink a few beers, go for a run with, hang out with friends with, laugh with, eat with, sleep with. I want to be with a man who sees my service as a gift and is grateful, not take advantage of. I want a man who I trust with every horrible memory and every tear drop.

It would certainly help with my healing to have someone to share with that I trusted completely and didn't turn it around and make it about him. A man who would let me be there for him as well, that would let me hold him when he needed it and let me hear his heart and his memories. Someone I could relate to; has smilar growing up experiences as well as the same issues in their marriage. I don't know. God knows though. I just know what I think.

Can I trust my thinking? I don't know. Perhaps. I'd like to think I'm doing ok but maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm still seeing through the eyes of a wounded child who is desperate for love. Real love. Not sex. Not abuse. Not control but love. And yet if I found it, would I be able to stay in that place?

I don't know. If I was K and G was my husband, I'd struggle with being worthy of the kind of love he has for me. His love is so selfless, kind, gentle, passionate, and pure. It would take me time to adjust and trust someone like that. But I'd love the chance to try it.

Sometimes I think my guy friend L would be a good fit for me. Like he was introduced to our group while I was gone for that reason. There is no other way I would have met him. But he is also friends with H so that could never happen. And I wouldn't want to jeopardize our team by messing with that dynamic. But I think it's the idea of him. He's so non judgemental, he's kind, he is fun and silly, he's friends with my friends, he knows abuse and control. He also has a lot of the same interests as me so it would be easy to be friends with him when husband and wife wasn't going so well. But again, probably not him specifically but a person like him. Then again God does strange things. L can feel me when I'm close. That's so weird.

I have to tell you about this. I took my daughter driving and we ended up turning around at the end of his driveway. His driveway is long so he didnt know we had done that. It was 850 pm. The next day he emails and says he was thinking about me the evening before. I mention we were at the end of his driveway just before 9 and he freaks out because it was the exact time and it was overwhelming for him. Talk about strange. I feel people all the time, like their emotions but not proximity like that. I wouldn't be able to walk through a crowded mall and be drawn to somebody like that. But I guess he can. At least with me.

But anyway, I'm not going to allow my desire to be loved the way I deserve to be interfere with God's plan. I assume that's God's plan for me too but is it with H? I don't think so but I'm not arrogant enough to think I can predict God. I'm also very aware that God gives us free will to behave the way we want. So even if the plan was meant to be with H, has that planned changed? I don't know. I guess I just keep taking it one day at a time and hope I don't screw up my life too bad. I'm tired of wearing these cuffs.

Spew

It's been several days since I've written. Mostly because I just have had so much to write about I wasn't sure where to start. That and the weekend didn't allow me the opportunity to write like I usually try to. So I'm going to recap what's been happening with my personal commentary about it. I have no idea where this is going to go.

The weekend went well. The kids were at their Dad's house and C went to her aunt's. It was just H and I which always goes well because he gets undivided attention. Just the way he likes it. However with that being said, he certainly seems to be making changes. He's much more humble and trying very hard to not control things. It's awkward because I don't really know how to deal with it and yet it was very nice. We were friends this weekend. We still slept apart but we did a lot together and it was good until C came home Sunday afternoon.

She came home her aunt had attached 3 spirit guides to her. That was fun to deal with. Not that I'm a stranger to Spiritual Warfare but not something you expect to deal with. What was impressive was that H prayed with me and afterwards, he anointed the property. He has never done that. I've always been the one to pray for a protective hedge around our home and yard. I was surprised when he brought it up and even more surprised when he asked me to teach him how. Again, giving up control for him...hopefully it's growth.

Then Monday came along and it was normal, Tuesday it hit the fan again. The girls were all accused of cheating. That never happens. They wouldn't do that. Well I'm not totally delusional that it couldn't but it would have been very out of character for them. But the accusations were there nonetheless and they were upset. C cut herself that evening when H and I went to the grocery store. That made me feel like we weren't spiritually covered and that H and I needed to be sleeping in the same bed and I needed to put a ring back on my finger. So when we went to Super Wal-Mart, we bought me a plain band to wear.

I struggle with this. I'm glad I'm not wearing my wedding ring but I'm still wearing something. It feels like ownership to me. I feel owned. Like this ring tells the world that I'm the property of H. I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I don't think I'm ready to accept the situation as it is yet but since we have gotten back "together" the kids seem to be protected again. Our life settled down and has been more normal.

I can't help but wonder if I have allowed myself to feel guilty for something that is just a normal bump in the road. H has been great and he's been consistent with his changes thus far. I am starting to believe it could be a new way of life for him but was this God's plan for me to accept him back into our bed and my life in order to protect our kids? I don't know. I don't feel good about it. He's been all lovey dovey and wanting to kiss and hug me all the time, I let him but don't like it. I'm back to trying to fake it because I don't want him to feel bad. He has been working hard, I see that. So I feel like I need to recognize and acknowledge it by being more of a wife to him.

That sucks. I'm just placating the situation again... What is it about me that makes me do this? I'm comfortable giving to people. I want everyone around me to know they are loved. And I'm willing to do it at my expense. Now what?

Can I go back to separated? Will the kids be affected? Will H be so broken that he reverts to his old ways? Have I just sentenced myself again, this time willingly, to a lifetime with someone I'm not in love with because I felt like it was best for my kids? Because I wanted him to know the good work that has been started in him is noticed? How annoying. I confuse myself. I have no business being married or even in a relationship with someone. I'm a mess and I met with my new therapist yesterday and don't like her at all. I want J back. But he got moved to 50 miles away. Do I make the drive once a week?

I might have to. No, not have to. I might want to. Okay, I can pull the word might out of that sentence. I want to. It was such a relief to get paired up with him in the first place. Finally someone that isn't a career therapist and has been around the block a time or two. Funny how you know immediately if the person sitting across from you is genuine or not. Let me revisit that a sec. R who I met with yesterday I'm sure was genuine and she was probably good at her job. However I knew I wasn't going to be able to relate to her. She had all the right words and a lot to say. And all her words were clinical and textbook. Which is probably calming for most. For me, it's alarming. I've had enough education that I'm not impressed by the lingo and jargon of the field. I don't need to be impressed by your knowledge of your job. I need you to listen and guide me. She would definitely do that but in a way that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because she's a woman. I certainly relate better to men. Maybe because it felt like she was finding ways to push me off to a group instead of one on one therapy. Maybe she just doesn't understand the problem. Maybe she was just too arrogant. I don't know but it's not going to work out with her. Something I'm going to need to resolve sooner than later, but not today.

Well that's my spew for today. I really don't have anything solved but at least it's out there. And just in time for another weekend. I got my laptop back from daughter #3 so I should be able to start blogging weekends even if I do it when I'm on the toilet. I need to do it. It helps. Guess we will see what tomorrow brings...

His and hers sparkly shoes

He bought himself some sparkly shoes. He said he would wear them when I wore mine. He wanted to show me he supports me and who I am. Sparkly shoes and all.

At first I laughed. It was funny to see sparkly shoes on him. But as it's been sinking in, if he's serious, I'm pissed off. I don't want him to change himself for me. I just want to be ok as myself.

But what if he is sparkly shoe kind of guy? Does it even matter? Do I care? I want to say I don't because I'm done but there is a small piece of me that wants this to work. I don't want to give up. I want him to be the guy he is trying to be.
But I cannot allow myself that hope. I cannot afford to do that. I'd like to but it's a place I've gone over and over again, only to be burned. And that's just with him. If I were to transfer the rest of my life onto him, then there's no chance.

I can't scapegoat him. I can't allow him to be held responsible for a lifetime of abuse. I can't let him be a martyr because I'm fed up with crappy behavior. And yet I get concerned that I might be doing that. Is there anything he can do to make things better? Is sparkly shoes enough?

I think it's sweet he wants to show me that support. I think it's nice that he's trying to do the little things that mean so much. I think he is desperate and really wants us to work. But do I?

I'm not sure. So I'll see what happens with the sparkly shoes. Maybe they will be a part of his personality, maybe not. The only thing I know for sure is that they are a part of mine.

Baby Steps

Well, I've had a chance to think about Easter day and how that went in regards to H. It was actually a good day. He got mad at me first thing because I wanted to dress up for church and he wanted to wear jeans. I didn't tell him he needed to dress up, he just felt obligated because I was. But once the day played out, it was a decent day! In fact, I realized in reflecting about the day that I can be critical about him to our friends. I say things off the cuff that are true but not necessarily for the world to know about him. That's not cool. I'm going to work on that. I guess I am not above things slipping out sideways either. I'd like to think I'm better than that but naturally I am humbled. God does that a lot to me. Probably a good thing as I can be a snot but He does remind me that I'm not as strong, as put together, as organized, as stable as I like to think I am.

I have to give props to H as well because I drug him down to a friends house that he barely knows to hang out with her and her family which includes a set of 2 year old twins, a 4 year old, an 8 year old and her boyfriend. All in a 5 room, 2 bedroom upstairs apartment in the hood. Yes, they are black and yes I am white. Obviously not an issue because those are my friends but he's been a little sheltered. However he did great! Normally H is the kind of guy that if he's not having a good time he will make sure everyone around him knows it. He can't just keep it under wraps for the sake of those he is with. But yesterday, he did put on a happy face and handled it like a trooper. It was really nice. If he was upset or annoyed about it, he kept it to himself and I wasn't even noticing it. I am really glad to see a positive change. Even if it was just for Easter, it was a nice Easter because of it. I appreciate the gesture a lot.

What I've also noticed in reflecting about the day is that even though he gets mad at me a lot, I don't really let it stop me unless he throws a major fit. A little tantrum doesn't even phase me. I let him have his say and keep going about my way. Like the dress clothes, like at practices, like pretty much everything. So when I actually push him to point that he physically lashes out at me, it takes me by surprise. However it is no wonder that he feels disrespected. I totally don't respect him at all. I've been wondering if I could do everything his way. I don't know if I can. Let me rephrase that, I can but I don't know if I want to. I've done it before to get to this point in our marriage but I missed myself so much. I missed being me. Thus I still question whether or not we will be able to be together because I want to be me and have it be okay. It isn't fun to fight all the time and it isn't fun to feel like who I am isn't okay.

Despite that, I needed to be sure to document that he tried and that he made an effort. That was really good. Today things were back to normal when he got pissed off because I wanted to wash the floors on my hands and knees verses using a mop but whatever. Baby steps right?

He doesn't even like you!

Those are the words I heard from my 12 year old today. After she said he doesn't even like her. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised because this isn't the first time I've heard that but I was surprised. Especially with it coming out of her mouth. After both girls venting at me for a half hour about what a jerk h was to them last night including the boldface lie he told when asked a point blank question, I finally asked the question. "Would you be upset if he and I weren't together anymore?", and the response was "not really, we'd be a lot happier without him". Again surprised at the answer.

 

Where have I been? I would not have predicted such a response. Here I thought I was the only one miserable in this. I thought I was the only one who felt bullied by him. I thought I was the only one who saw how inconsistent he is. But I'm not. None of us know if today he'll be okay with laughter at the dinner table when yesterday he wasn't. We don't know if today it's my car or his. Today we don't know if he will get upset because we aren't hanging as a family together or if he's going to isolate.

Sad thing is I know that if I told him how they felt, he would be hurt by it. So I'm not going to. That's just mean and yet I kind of feel like he should know. It isn't just me. But on the other hand, like I told the girls, he can ground them and parade his parental rights over them. It's better for him to be mad at me so I need to keep buffering.

 

He says I'm too easy on the girls. But I don't think I am. I address things with them but I do it calmly and respectfully. What good is freaking out and/or punishing without first getting the whole story. Besides they are good kids, there is very little to be upset with them about. They do what they are asked when I ask them and usually without complaint. They do well in school. They know to be respectful and we'll-mannered when away from home and are usually at home too. Granted their rooms aren't always clean which is awful to some people but they are responsible for themselves, their pets, their laundry and their grades. My job as mom is not to guilt or shame but to encourage, lift up and support them. But in his eyes it makes me weak and a push over.

 

I guess I just don't care if they forget to pick up the mail as they walk by the mailbox from the bus stop. I guess I just don't care if they leave their backpack on the table. It gets moved when I ask. I don't care if they want their rooms to be dusty and messy, they live in it not me.

 

What I do care about is how much sleep they get, what food they eat, that they shower on a regular basis, that they maintain a b average in school, that they learn how to cook, do their own laundry, balance a checkbook, pay their phone bill, respect curfew. And most importantly they are never afraid to ask me for help. I'm limited in what I can do but I want them to always feel like they can talk about sex, boyfriends, h, God, school friends, drinking, drugs, etc. I want that line of communication to be always open with them.

 

But h doesn't. He doesn't like that I have that kind of relationship with my girls. He gets upset if I spend too much time with them or if they need someone to talk to, they are being needy or whiney or "girls".

 

I wish I could some how reflect how he says the word "girls" when he's talking about them and me. There is so much disdaine in his voice. The cynicism just drips off his tongue and even his eyes shut like he just can't believe he has to deal with us girls. For a man with 6 girls, you would think he'd think of each of them as his little princesses and his wife his queen. But nope. There's hatred in his voice. Don't get me wrong, he's not a closet gay man but he does have issues with women that have strong opinions or have too much fun. That's pretty much all of us so it's no wonder.

 

I see how G is with his daughters and wife, they both are his beautiful creatures that he has been blessed with. He doesn't always feel worthy of such beauty in his life and yet he cherishes every word, every moment, every touch with them. Then you see him with his grand daughters and it's even sweeter. Isnt that the way it should be. I want to be adored. I want to be appreciated. I want to be respected. I want him to laugh when I'm random and goofy, to feel pride when I'm strong, to feel love when I'm independent and to find humor in me when I do something dorky (Which is a lot). At the very least to like me and like my girls.