Cross Eyed and Confused

I'm not going now. I'm really annoyed and angry about it too. It was suppose to be a time of soul searching, of respite, of recharging but not gonna get it. Figures. I knew that it was a possibility this could all blow up but I had honestly hoped it would work out. I needed it to work out. So what happened?

The girls confronted me about being fearful around him. When I asked more about why, they told me from seeing him abuse me, the dogs, him punching things, slamming doors, etc. The one daughter that was going to be home alone with him this weekend asked me not to go. So I cancelled the reservations and talked to him about their fears.

Of course that was a farce because it was my fault. They don't respect him because I don't. They aren't giving him a chance because I'm not. They are afraid because I am. If I could just change my attitude, forgive and move on, then they could too. Huh...naturally I have to assess if any of that is true. It could be. But they weren't saying that they were afraid because I was. They were saying that witnessing the behaviors that they have, it has caused fear. Enough fear they don't want to be alone with him.

I'm at a complete loss. I'm losing hope that I can maintain this thing. I tried to kick him out again and he still refuses to go. He's insistent that he loves me and this can work. He's made changes that I need to recognize and acknowledge.

What he can't seem to understand is why I can't give him another chance. Why I can't just allow him into my heart. Why I can't seem to let go of the resentments and bitterness. I asked him where my feelings came into play and he said he hears my feelings and cares about my feelings but they are wrong and he's not going anywhere...because he loves me.

Am I insane? Should I be flattered? Should I be grateful? Should I be feeling honored that he's making a valiant effort? Because I don't. I don't like this at all. I am not feeling respected. I am not feeling like my feelings matter. I am not feeling loved or cared for at all. What I'm feeling is exhausted, tired, and worn out. It was everything I could do last night to not climb back into bed with him, give up this fight and just allow it all to continue the way it has.

I don't know how I find the fight to keep going. And so then I wonder if I should at all. What he wants is this whole thing to turn around and I just embrace him back and say good boy. Yet I can't. My children aren't feeling safe, I'm not feeling safe and this isn't going to work. No matter how hard I try to convince him of that, he cannot see it. He tells me I'm bitter and angry and that's not okay. He's right it isn't but how do I get over it with him in my face all the time.

I guess I thought this split up could be an amicable one. I thought I could help him see how wrong the entire situation is. I thought we could walk away friends. I don't think that's going to happen. However I'm not done trying for that. He's willing to go to therapy together now so maybe I can have a therapist help me tell him this is over. I don't know. He tells me it's a sign of how much he loves me by not leaving even though I repeatedly ask him to go. Really? Which one of us is messed up here?

I just don't know...

Treading water

I'm super excited about the weekend! He gave me a budget which was a very generous amount. I won't use it all. However after all the accusations and other things I find myself not sure about going. Not that I'm going to do anything wrong but because his insecurities have made me feel guilty and ashamed.

Its those kind of things that I am not sure I can continue to live with. Without even trying he makes me feel like crap about myself. I know it is because I am hyper-sensitive and just doing what I was trained to do as a child but it still sucks. I get tired sometimes and I wonder how long I can keep fighting to keep my head above water. It would be so easy to just let it all suck me under and allow myself to fall prey to the current that is trying so hard to make me what I was. And some days, I want that. I want to go back to the control, the manipulation, the shame, the guilt. At least I knew what to expect and how to deal with it. This new way is really tiring.

I have managed to get my head above water. I see light and know there is something beyond the horizon but don't know what it is. I find myself overwhelmed and afraid. What if there isn't anything beyond what I can see? What if there is but it's too far away and I won't be able to make it there? What if I'm wrong and all this work and struggling is just in vain? Have I wasted all this time and effort on learning who I am and trying to have a place where it's okay to be, just to have it be a life raft with a hole in it?

That's where God has to come in. Those questions are legitimate and real for me and the only answer is faith. I have to believe there is something there. I have to have hope in a God who has never left me down before. I have to hang on, find strength deep inside that I don't usually tap into and stay-the-course. I know I do...but some days even faith is hard to have.

So I will keep treading water and anxiously await my opportunity to have 4 nights and 5 days rest. I fear it will be impeded on, robbed from me or turn into a spectacle of unknown proportion because I don't believe H can let go of control and jealousy. But I am so desperate for the opportunity that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Handcuffs

H has been working nights. It's awful and the only reason is because he's super clingy. I can't do anything without him following me around. Don't get me wrong, the company is nice but I see the way he looks at me and I know he wants more from me. Makes me very uncomfortable and I feel very unsafe. Especially when he tells me he's having trouble keeping it in his pants. I told him to go find a clean FWB. But he doesn't want to.

I find myself missing sex too but not with him. I don't know if it's because it's him and I'm angry or if it's because I want to screw around on my husband. Ugh. I even hate the sound of that. Husband and wife. It's like a curse for a lifetime of critiques, scrutiny and servitude. Ouch. I know it's not suppose to be like that.

H tells me he remembers all the good times and asks if I do. I ask him if he remembers the bad. He says not really because it was all him. Exactly. I remember good times. But there are a lot more bad memories. He tells me I need to focus on the good ones but he doesn't realize that they are good because I was being "good". I did what was expected of me to keep the peace. I did what I knew what would make him happy. It wasn't what I wanted, what I would have enjoyed....except for the art museum.

That was fun for me. But I had to stick by him. When I left his side he got pissy with me. But that's who I am. If I see something that interests me, my instinct is to go check it out. Not stand from afar and look. Or wait for him to get there. That's the child like heart in me that I love to nurture and constantly stuff in a box for him. Even now.

I have to fight the urge to be reckless. I'm trying so hard to do things right. But in my head and heart I wrestle. The immorality of a divorce plagues my thoughts. I can make this work if H stays how he has been... Outside of the occasional slip. But do I want to? No. I don't. I know I don't. But should I? Should I keep in this marriage because it is manageable? Is that what God would want?

Then on the other hand, when researching marriage, God intended it to be an example of Christ's love and relationship with his people. God being represented by the man and how he treats his wife and the wife representing his people and how we should respond to God's love. I have the privilege of knowing a couple who do that better than anyone I've ever known. Otherwise, the world appears to be stuck in a rut of what it expected and what they really want or need. Like me.

I know I've said I'd never get married again. Honestly that's not true. I would. I want to be in love. I want to be in a relationship that goes two ways. I want to find a man that sees me for who I am and doesn't want to change, fix or help me but wants to live it with me. That's all. I just want a companion. Someone to play music with, someone to putz on the yard with, someone to have bonfires, drink a few beers, go for a run with, hang out with friends with, laugh with, eat with, sleep with. I want to be with a man who sees my service as a gift and is grateful, not take advantage of. I want a man who I trust with every horrible memory and every tear drop.

It would certainly help with my healing to have someone to share with that I trusted completely and didn't turn it around and make it about him. A man who would let me be there for him as well, that would let me hold him when he needed it and let me hear his heart and his memories. Someone I could relate to; has smilar growing up experiences as well as the same issues in their marriage. I don't know. God knows though. I just know what I think.

Can I trust my thinking? I don't know. Perhaps. I'd like to think I'm doing ok but maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm still seeing through the eyes of a wounded child who is desperate for love. Real love. Not sex. Not abuse. Not control but love. And yet if I found it, would I be able to stay in that place?

I don't know. If I was K and G was my husband, I'd struggle with being worthy of the kind of love he has for me. His love is so selfless, kind, gentle, passionate, and pure. It would take me time to adjust and trust someone like that. But I'd love the chance to try it.

Sometimes I think my guy friend L would be a good fit for me. Like he was introduced to our group while I was gone for that reason. There is no other way I would have met him. But he is also friends with H so that could never happen. And I wouldn't want to jeopardize our team by messing with that dynamic. But I think it's the idea of him. He's so non judgemental, he's kind, he is fun and silly, he's friends with my friends, he knows abuse and control. He also has a lot of the same interests as me so it would be easy to be friends with him when husband and wife wasn't going so well. But again, probably not him specifically but a person like him. Then again God does strange things. L can feel me when I'm close. That's so weird.

I have to tell you about this. I took my daughter driving and we ended up turning around at the end of his driveway. His driveway is long so he didnt know we had done that. It was 850 pm. The next day he emails and says he was thinking about me the evening before. I mention we were at the end of his driveway just before 9 and he freaks out because it was the exact time and it was overwhelming for him. Talk about strange. I feel people all the time, like their emotions but not proximity like that. I wouldn't be able to walk through a crowded mall and be drawn to somebody like that. But I guess he can. At least with me.

But anyway, I'm not going to allow my desire to be loved the way I deserve to be interfere with God's plan. I assume that's God's plan for me too but is it with H? I don't think so but I'm not arrogant enough to think I can predict God. I'm also very aware that God gives us free will to behave the way we want. So even if the plan was meant to be with H, has that planned changed? I don't know. I guess I just keep taking it one day at a time and hope I don't screw up my life too bad. I'm tired of wearing these cuffs.