Treading water

I'm super excited about the weekend! He gave me a budget which was a very generous amount. I won't use it all. However after all the accusations and other things I find myself not sure about going. Not that I'm going to do anything wrong but because his insecurities have made me feel guilty and ashamed.

Its those kind of things that I am not sure I can continue to live with. Without even trying he makes me feel like crap about myself. I know it is because I am hyper-sensitive and just doing what I was trained to do as a child but it still sucks. I get tired sometimes and I wonder how long I can keep fighting to keep my head above water. It would be so easy to just let it all suck me under and allow myself to fall prey to the current that is trying so hard to make me what I was. And some days, I want that. I want to go back to the control, the manipulation, the shame, the guilt. At least I knew what to expect and how to deal with it. This new way is really tiring.

I have managed to get my head above water. I see light and know there is something beyond the horizon but don't know what it is. I find myself overwhelmed and afraid. What if there isn't anything beyond what I can see? What if there is but it's too far away and I won't be able to make it there? What if I'm wrong and all this work and struggling is just in vain? Have I wasted all this time and effort on learning who I am and trying to have a place where it's okay to be, just to have it be a life raft with a hole in it?

That's where God has to come in. Those questions are legitimate and real for me and the only answer is faith. I have to believe there is something there. I have to have hope in a God who has never left me down before. I have to hang on, find strength deep inside that I don't usually tap into and stay-the-course. I know I do...but some days even faith is hard to have.

So I will keep treading water and anxiously await my opportunity to have 4 nights and 5 days rest. I fear it will be impeded on, robbed from me or turn into a spectacle of unknown proportion because I don't believe H can let go of control and jealousy. But I am so desperate for the opportunity that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Little sore

I have this small cut on my finger. I don't know where it came from or how it got there. But I noticed it when I felt a little bit of stinging. It was actually deep enough to bleed a little and split open. Again, it's origins are a mystery.

I imagine that is how friends and family are feeling right now. This random sore pops up, they don't know where it came from but still have to deal with the stinging. I feel bad for that. I wish I could shield everyone in my life from the pain of what's happening with me right now. But I can't.

I want to be able to say all is well. To keep lying about my marriage and what happens behind closed doors but I can't. Eventually you have to look down and see the festering wound and take care of it. If you ignore it, it will become infected.

I'm trying to take care of this wound in my heart. It is definitely infected yet I'm totally at peace. Could it be because my shit-o-meter is pegged? Is it because I am so arrogant that I think I know what is best for me? Or perhaps I'm in a delusional state of reality and I'm clueless to what is actually happening.

I suppose it could be all 3. But does it really matter? I'm angry yes. H has been a dink. However the longer time passes the easier it gets for me. I doubt less often, I see the path ahead and am not afraid, I'm eager for the change, I'm ready to focus on me. Selfish I know, but I need to be a little bit. I'm worthless to my kids if I don't take care of me first. Only took me 40 years to figure that out. Lol!

So here I am with this wound on my finger, recognizing it's time to clean it out, sterilize it and wrap it up...much like my heart.