Interesting. I have had moments where I don't like how I've behaved. But I haven't really not liked who I am. If he means that, then there could be hope. If not, then after June 1, 2015 we are done. Initially I thought I'd try to hang in there for another 6 years until our youngest graduates. Then I told my friend that and she laughed. And then I laughed. She said there's no way I could make it that long and she's totally right. I just can't pretend this is working for 6 years. But for one year, I can. For one year I will ignore the warning signs, I will pacify the situation, I will live my life uncaged and he will either freak out completely and walk away or he will stick with his plan to let go of control and he will be a better person.
I liked the idea a lot because I don't like being so guarded around him. I love him. Not romantically but I care about him deeply. I could learn to love. I don't want to but back to the hope thing, am I taking a gamble with not only my life but his? That's a lot of responsibility. However this compromise will give us both the opportunity to heal in the ways we need to and see if it's going to work or not without him being afraid I'm going to walk away or me being afraid I'll be stuck in this life forever. We both have choices with this plan. Perhaps it will be good and we will find out this can work. Or we will find out this can't work and walk away without it being a mess. It's a logical choice.
I hate that I'm even at this point in a marriage that I would feel the need to set a limit on whether or not we can be together. I feel like it shouldn't be like this. If we were going to work, this wouldn't even be a part of the discussion. However people are broken and we all have our stuff. Since I have this innate sense of justice, it feels right to offer a chance. Then I can walk away without guilt or thinking I didn't give it an honest shot or didn't give him a chance to make changes. Sad that it has taken this for him to take me seriously but whatever. It is what it is. I'm just glad to have some kind of resolution available.
Of course, if he does make changes and I think we can stay married, then I'm still confronted with the situation of whether or not I can trust it. But for now I'm going to just accept things as they are and not stress over it. It will be what it is going to be.
In the meantime, I'm going to keep blogging. It will be a good opportunity to continue to vent as well as keep track of the days and how they have gone. I'm not going to put on rose-colored glasses but I may not be as critical when I know I've got over a year to hang in there. I'll write about each day, good or bad as they come and before D-day I will read over everything I've written to see how it went. That way my optimism won't get the best of me and I will have an honest, daily account of life together. With that being said, he brought me flowers yesterday just because. That was very nice and he remembered that white daisies are my favorite. Score one for him...
