Brick Wall

I was suppose to go to my therapy appointment today. They moved him 40 miles away. I tried someone closer but didn't like her so I thought I could do the drive. I was wrong. My anxiety took over and the further away I got from home, the less I could breathe. My throat was closing, my chest heavy, my head spinning, my body flushing. I couldn't do it and I am so disappointed in myself.

He's texted me to ask if I'm running late and I can't bring myself to respond. I'm ashamed. How could I have been so naïve as to think that I could do this? What I find most perplexing is that I have no trouble driving my daughter 50 miles to her appointments. My girlfriend and I drove across nearly three states to attend her sisters funeral. Even just a few days ago, I drove to where K works and hung out there by myself and visited with her when she was available. But today, today I failed.

I feel like I have taken a step backwards. More than that actually. I feel like I've just rammed into a wall at full speed and have fallen flat on my back. I'm just laying here wondering when the wind is going to come back to me so I can get up. I haven't had this kind of anxiety in several weeks and I was hopeful it was over. I just don't understand why my brain must torture me like this.

I'm sure it has to do with feeling powerless. I suppose guilt and shame as well. I don't know. All I know is that some days it is exhausting. It takes so much energy just to function and I don't always know where it's coming from. I'm suppose to have band practice tonight and the thought of it is more than I can bear right now. Yet I know that my life has to go on. The kids will come home, there is dinner to prepare, I have one I need to pick up at noon, there's another I need to confront on some of her behaviors. So what now? I'm so disappointed and ashamed I'm having trouble staying upright. I want to go climb into bed and hide under the covers until tomorrow. At least I have tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new day right? I can't predict or plan for tomorrow. I have to hold on to hope that it will be a better day. I can even hope that the rest of today will go better. But right now, I don't know if it will. I will shut down and try to focus on what tasks need to be done. A lifeless existence. One I had been trying to avoid. That's why therapy, that's why the meds, that's why the push to try to be a better person and improve my daily life. So I don't have to shut down, so I can have joy, peace, happiness, comfort and safety. Yet I find myself back in a place where I have to keep going...it's a perpetual circle of dysfunction and I want off this ride. How is that gonna happen when I keep failing? When I keep struggling with panic and anxiety? When I am paralyzed by shame?

My head hurts from running into this brick wall all the time...

Cross Eyed and Confused

I'm not going now. I'm really annoyed and angry about it too. It was suppose to be a time of soul searching, of respite, of recharging but not gonna get it. Figures. I knew that it was a possibility this could all blow up but I had honestly hoped it would work out. I needed it to work out. So what happened?

The girls confronted me about being fearful around him. When I asked more about why, they told me from seeing him abuse me, the dogs, him punching things, slamming doors, etc. The one daughter that was going to be home alone with him this weekend asked me not to go. So I cancelled the reservations and talked to him about their fears.

Of course that was a farce because it was my fault. They don't respect him because I don't. They aren't giving him a chance because I'm not. They are afraid because I am. If I could just change my attitude, forgive and move on, then they could too. Huh...naturally I have to assess if any of that is true. It could be. But they weren't saying that they were afraid because I was. They were saying that witnessing the behaviors that they have, it has caused fear. Enough fear they don't want to be alone with him.

I'm at a complete loss. I'm losing hope that I can maintain this thing. I tried to kick him out again and he still refuses to go. He's insistent that he loves me and this can work. He's made changes that I need to recognize and acknowledge.

What he can't seem to understand is why I can't give him another chance. Why I can't just allow him into my heart. Why I can't seem to let go of the resentments and bitterness. I asked him where my feelings came into play and he said he hears my feelings and cares about my feelings but they are wrong and he's not going anywhere...because he loves me.

Am I insane? Should I be flattered? Should I be grateful? Should I be feeling honored that he's making a valiant effort? Because I don't. I don't like this at all. I am not feeling respected. I am not feeling like my feelings matter. I am not feeling loved or cared for at all. What I'm feeling is exhausted, tired, and worn out. It was everything I could do last night to not climb back into bed with him, give up this fight and just allow it all to continue the way it has.

I don't know how I find the fight to keep going. And so then I wonder if I should at all. What he wants is this whole thing to turn around and I just embrace him back and say good boy. Yet I can't. My children aren't feeling safe, I'm not feeling safe and this isn't going to work. No matter how hard I try to convince him of that, he cannot see it. He tells me I'm bitter and angry and that's not okay. He's right it isn't but how do I get over it with him in my face all the time.

I guess I thought this split up could be an amicable one. I thought I could help him see how wrong the entire situation is. I thought we could walk away friends. I don't think that's going to happen. However I'm not done trying for that. He's willing to go to therapy together now so maybe I can have a therapist help me tell him this is over. I don't know. He tells me it's a sign of how much he loves me by not leaving even though I repeatedly ask him to go. Really? Which one of us is messed up here?

I just don't know...

Birthday Wishes

Today is my friend L's birthday. In case you haven't been following along, he's one of my best guy friends and in an identical marriage situation. For different reasons but we are married to the same person. I managed to sneak him an email to work to wish him a Happy Birthday. Actually getting it out of him initially was difficult. He had a hard time accepting that anyone would want to know and he made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone else. What finally got him to bend was that I told him I would say Happy Birthday every day of the month of April until I hit it. I would have too, guess he knew that so he had mercy on me and gave me the date. Just like I promised, no one else knows.

I write about this today because I feel bad that I can't do more for him. Not that it's my responsibility and I'm not really looking at it as a responsibility. It's because he's my friend and I want him to know he is special to me. I think I'm also transferring my stuff into his situation as well.

I turned 40 in October. What I did on my birthday was put the kids to bed, purchased some Birthday Cake vodka and had a couple shots in my own honor while texting with L (we were allowed to communicate more at that time). H was working nights so he wasn't home. Other than the standard Facebook congrats, there was no acknowledgement of that day at all. No cards, no emails, no presents, no cake, no going out. Although my girls did tell me that morning and I got extra big hugs so I can't say I didn't get anything.

But we are all taught that our birthday's are special. It isn't until we are older and want to live blissfully ignorant to the aging process that we down play our birthdays. Yet it seems as an adult we are suppose to push it aside and focus on our responsibilities, our obligations and not truly celebrate. There is only one person I know that as an adult throws a big party on his behalf. And I think it's weird that he does that every year. But truly isn't that the spirit in which we should look at our lives?
Shouldn't we rejoice and want to celebrate our lives? Shouldn't we be happy and excited for those that we love and have been strategically placed in our paths? Shouldn't we look at who we are instead of looking at what we don't have or didn't accomplish in our lives?

I think those of us who have had a less than perfect childhood find shame in our birthday's. I know for me it's a time where I think about all I didn't have and all the poor choices that got me to where I am on that day. However there is a small part of me that believes that I should be celebrated. That to friends I should be given an extra thought in the day. That to my significant other I should be a princess for at least an hour or so. That to my parents I should be seen as a gift for a part of the day.

I don't think it's asking a lot and yet I don't ask because I don't feel like I should have to. I want others to just know. Stupid isn't it. I think because I am so hyper aware of how I treat others and it's my instinct to make people around me happy, that I forget that not everyone is like me. Perhaps I'm just a spoiled brat that wants to be the center of attention once a year...no. That's not it. I am not comfortable in the center of attention at all. I don't even take compliments well. They make me feel guilty and I don't want to accept them so it's back to being somebody.

I want to be somebody important. I don't need to change the world. I don't need to save the city. I don't need to be publicly recognized as worthy. But I want someone to see me, all of me, and love me. I want it to be okay to be myself. I want to get to my birthday and be glad I'm alive and be told by the person who see's me that he is glad I'm alive and more glad we are together. I want to feel joy instead of shame.

I'm on my way to that; with or without H or anyone else. That's the other thing I want on a birthday. As much as I want to be cherished, it means so much more for me to be okay with just myself. I don't want to need the affirmation of a man to feel good about myself. I want to look in the mirror every morning and be glad I'm me and on my birthday especially, know that I've arrived.

So L, this one is for you. Someday you will know you're as awesome as you are...

I did it again

Well I did it again. Not even sure what exactly I did but I got in trouble again tonight at practice tonight. Not at practice but afterwards. He bitched me out the whole way home about how I was a distraction, how I should be a better example, how I shouldnt drink, how I was disrespectful to my friends but especially to him. On the way there it was how I was an embarrassment for bringing my sparkly shoes and how I am slutty for wearing my hair curly. He also wouldn't let me drive my car or smoke in my car. Guess it's only my car when he's not around.

 

I hate how he hides. I know he doesn't hide completely at practice but when I directly confront him on something in front of our friends, he denies it. It annoys me so much. Why pretend if we aren't happy? Why pose for pictures when neither one of us really want to be seen together? Why bother? But we do. We go through the motions, he hides as much as he can but I think our friends are through it.

 

What bothers me most is that I really don't think I want a lot from him. Just some acceptance, some love, some patience, some grace. He ends nearly every church service encouraging the perish members to give grace, get grace, have grace and yet he doesn't seem to know what that means. What it disheartening is that he isn't capable of it. Again, he's not a bad guy. He would be a fine husband for a woman who wants to be submissive and controlled. But that is not me.

 

I've never been able to tow the line. I talked with T tonight about how I walk the line. Always have. It's just who I am. It makes me who I am and because I do, I can relate to all sorts of people. It makes me an effective minister but apparently it's not something my husband can accept nor tolerate about me. My friends seem to be ok with it but they aren't married to me.

 

I suppose it's hard to be married to someone who lets her flaws be seen. I suppose it's hard to be married to someone that genuinely loves anyone. I suppose it's hard to be married to someone who only takes finances, child rearing and love seriously. But that's who I am. I don't think it makes me bad, just different than he thought I would be. I still wonder why he says he's in love with me. Maybe those things appeal to him but he didn't realize that being married to someone like that was going to drive him crazy but trust me, I drive him crazy.

 

I really miss talking to my friend L who is in the same position because when I'm told constantly either directly or indirectly that who I am is bad, it's a relief to hear from him and find out I'm not as bad as I am told I am. Even though h tries to isolate me so I don't find support out there, I refuse to be shut down and placed in a position where I am stuck with my own thoughts.

 

I doubt myself constantly. It's because of how I was raised.  So placing myself in the same situation yet again is not surprising. I'm learning but I'm still quick to assume in bad, I'm to blame, I'm guilty and I deserve to be punished. Quite frankly, as much as I wish for a man who can see me and love me, it scares me. What if I did find a man who accepted me? Could I handle bring loved like that? Would I trust it? Would I push him away and test him to see if he really could handle me?

 

Probably. I would need a man who would be willing to stick with me no matter what. A man to tell me how amazing I am. How beautiful I am. How, even though I'm broken, I'm still worth something instead of being reminded of each and every mistake I make or how I'm a disappointment or how I need to be different. Aren't I good enough just as I am?  God says I am. My kids say I am. My friends say I am. Why do I even bother second guessing myself? I don't know but I do and his one discouraging word can supersede any kindness or compliment I may be given. I'm tired of living like this. But it's how it's going to be for now. I promised him a chance so a chance I will give.

Until then I guess I'll keep messing up and taking my punishment like a good little girl.

 

Temper, temper

Well we had the blow up I was expecting. I really didn't want to engage. I tried hard not to engage but I did. He was feeling as if I was ungrateful for the car. I told him the idea was great but I was concerned about the finances but that it was easier for him to spend money then it is for me to spend money. I'm one of those unusual women that hates to shop and hates to spend money. The more money I have saved, the less I want to spend it. I don't really know why, I guess I like the security of having it if we need it. But he's one of those that spends and thinks later. Not really a good match because finances can be such a controversial subject for marriages. Anyway, me saying it was easier for him to spend money set him off.

From there it was a whirlwind. I kept my mouth shut and watched for a while. It was sort of humorous, at first he was offended and angry. Then when I said that I clearly hit a nerve and I wonder why he's so sensitive about it, he turned it around to how he doesn't feel good enough and I should leave him because he's a failure. This is usually when I step in and say he's not and it's okay and all is well, then console him as he cries and loathes about himself. But not tonight.

Tonight I said it was too bad he felt that way and I walked away. Bad move. He then started in on how I spend money on buying food and gifts for the kids at Christmas and Easter and Valentines Day, realized what he was saying and turned around and started in on me for being a "tight wad". Now normally I'm really good at not engaging (as I mentioned earlier), but don't call me names. You want to throw a pity party, fine. You want to be angry and slam doors, fine. But be a grown up and use your big boy/big girl words. So my nerve was hit and I blew back at him.

Part of why I don't blow up is because I've learned that my hot, Italian temper and witty brain causes a very adverse reaction when I let my anger out. Not that I'm physically hurting anyone but I have a sharp tongue and I'm observant so I know how to hurt people if I want to. Not something I'm proud of but growing up in a house where you defend yourself or die, you learn to watch for weaknesses and you know how to exploit them if necessary. It's a very ugly part of me I dislike a lot and that part of me caught fire tonight. Needless to say, it ended with him speechless, in tears and me in the bath tub wanting to wring his neck.

That's the problem with my temper. I don't have remorse. If I get to the point where I'm going to intentionally hurt you, I do not care that I hurt you. And I hurt him. I want to feel bad. And maybe I will in a few days or weeks or months but right now, I'm all "what now b*tch"! So I guess I'm sorry that I got to my breaking point but I'm not sorry for what I said. It was true, I just didn't need to deliver it in the way that I did. Something I learned as a child when I saw how I hurt my brother with my words. We were doing our usual sibling fighting but I wanted to finish it so I did. I still don't have remorse about what I said but I feel bad for making him feel as bad as I did. Strange things how your brain remembers those kind of moments like they are yesterday. I suppose because I felt so empowered. People only walk on me because I let them. Not because they can have their way with me and I guess by losing it once and a while, they are reminded that I submit, I am not controlled.

Odd thing is as I'm typing this, my kids have never heard me yell nor have they seen me completely lash out and they have tested me. I've never felt like I needed to take it to that level. I've always remained in control of myself and on top of my game. I'm hormonal right now so maybe that's why I lost it. Perhaps the water under the bridge has swept the bridge away and I'm a lot less tolerant now. I don't know. And yet I think that's only the second time in almost 8 years that I have ever gone there with H either. I guess that's a good thing. Probably not though.

Last week at therapy I was talking about some of the experiences that I have lived through with my Mom. Oddly I didn't have anger until he told me to think of the situation in which she freaked out on me and put one of my children in that scenario. In other words, think of her doing that to one of my kids...that made me angry. And that's when I realized that I have always seen anger as a weakness and a last resort. Not to mention that I don't usually get angry on my own behalf. Like somehow I am strong enough, I can take it. Ha! What a farce that is. Although I did take it, but it did a lot of damage. I am grateful that I was able to contain it in me for as long as I have been so that my kids lives will be different. They will raise their children differently and hopefully the future generations of women in my family will be more nurturing, loving, and attentive. Who knows. I can only hope.

For now, it's good that I'm getting in touch with my anger about my childhood however I'm concerned with my sharp tongue that I'm going to hurt more people around me. Especially those like H who I have resentments towards. I don't want to be like my Mom. I don't want to fly off the handle in an illogical rage. I don't want to do and say things that make me drop to my knees in shame when I am no longer angry. Stupid temper...

Robyn

I am beginning to hate weekends. I don't get the opportunity to write everyday like I do during the week. Mostly because he is hovering. He knows I have a blog but I totally lied to his face when he asked if I posted them on the web. I don't usually like to lie but I know that he wouldn't respect my privacy and I need this for me. Suppose it was selfish and rude but it is what it is.

So far it's been an interesting couple days. Yesterday we brought our oldest at home to a college about an hour and a half away for a weekend visit. The drive home alone was really good. We talked more about our situation and he acknowledged that if it doesn't work out after this year he can feel better about it because of the time we had. I don't know if that will really happen but it was a relief for me. Not that I should care about how he feels but I do. It's not like I hate the guy. We just shouldn't be married.

At the same time as his apparent acceptance, he's majorly kissing my butt. He came home with a Lexus for me today. Really? Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful and I have named her Robyn however I really could care less about money and stuff. I want to be happy and I don't need a Lexus to be happy. It is also not going to make me somehow forget the current situation nor is it going to make me feel like I am closer to him. I don't want gifts. I want compatibility. I want respect. I want kindness, hope, joy, laughter, love. You can't buy those things. Not to mention it makes me feel like I have to pay him back somehow. I'm waiting for the day when I do something wrong and he makes sure to point out that he bought me my new car so I owe him.

There is nothing worse than getting a gift with strings attached. I want to be super excited but I can't allow myself the joy I would if I knew it was because he really loved me. It's an appeasement of sorts. I suppose maybe an amend. I don't know really. But what it feels like to me is a cheap attempt to buy my heart and affections. It's like he doesn't hear me tell him I need substance. I need a partner, compatibility, companionship. I need a friend and a lover. I need my best friend to be my spouse. I don't need stuff.

And yet, the materialistic side of me cannot wait to rub it in my ex's face that he drives a 90's Honda Civic and I am in my new one. Selfish, rude and snotty but it's the truth. I'm okay with that. Sometimes it's just fun. Of course I love cars in general so let me tell you, it rides like a dream. Its super quiet. The sun roof is awesome although I don't know how much I'll get to use it in MN. It has great gas mileage especially for a V6 and it's just pretty. I didn't think that I'd be a blue car person but I'm a fan. It's understated enough to not draw too much attention but bold enough to make a statement because it's the car it is. I LOVE IT! I just wish it wasn't given to me under the circumstances that it was.

For now I will enjoy the car until he has brow beaten me enough with it that I don't and then I'll get rid of it. Or not. Maybe I'll make my peace with it and drive it until it has 250,000 miles on it. Lol! That will take forever considering I only drive the kids back and forth to school and run errands around town. But that's okay too. At least for today, it was a very nice gift and something I enjoy. Perhaps it will get to stay like that and Robyn will remain a blessing. Time will tell...

D-Day

He and I have had some good conversation lately and finally have come to an agreement of sorts. It's exciting for me because we are moving in a direction. I don't even care which way, just moving. See, he wanted to separate in our minds and he would try to win me back. But he didn't like that I was distant and guarded around him. I didn't like that he can let go of being controlling when he thinks we aren't married. So we came to the conclusion that we will be all in for 1 year or so. June 1, 2015 we will decide if we are staying together or not. He wants the opportunity to change. My response to that was to question if he was changing because I am not happy. He said he didn't like who he has been.

Interesting. I have had moments where I don't like how I've behaved. But I haven't really not liked who I am. If he means that, then there could be hope. If not, then after June 1, 2015 we are done. Initially I thought I'd try to hang in there for another 6 years until our youngest graduates. Then I told my friend that and she laughed. And then I laughed. She said there's no way I could make it that long and she's totally right. I just can't pretend this is working for 6 years. But for one year, I can. For one year I will ignore the warning signs, I will pacify the situation, I will live my life uncaged and he will either freak out completely and walk away or he will stick with his plan to let go of control and he will be a better person.

I liked the idea a lot because I don't like being so guarded around him. I love him. Not romantically but I care about him deeply. I could learn to love. I don't want to but back to the hope thing, am I taking a gamble with not only my life but his? That's a lot of responsibility. However this compromise will give us both the opportunity to heal in the ways we need to and see if it's going to work or not without him being afraid I'm going to walk away or me being afraid I'll be stuck in this life forever. We both have choices with this plan. Perhaps it will be good and we will find out this can work. Or we will find out this can't work and walk away without it being a mess. It's a logical choice.

I hate that I'm even at this point in a marriage that I would feel the need to set a limit on whether or not we can be together. I feel like it shouldn't be like this. If we were going to work, this wouldn't even be a part of the discussion. However people are broken and we all have our stuff. Since I have this innate sense of justice, it feels right to offer a chance. Then I can walk away without guilt or thinking I didn't give it an honest shot or didn't give him a chance to make changes. Sad that it has taken this for him to take me seriously but whatever. It is what it is. I'm just glad to have some kind of resolution available.

Of course, if he does make changes and I think we can stay married, then I'm still confronted with the situation of whether or not I can trust it. But for now I'm going to just accept things as they are and not stress over it. It will be what it is going to be.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep blogging. It will be a good opportunity to continue to vent as well as keep track of the days and how they have gone. I'm not going to put on rose-colored glasses but I may not be as critical when I know I've got over a year to hang in there. I'll write about each day, good or bad as they come and before D-day I will read over everything I've written to see how it went. That way my optimism won't get the best of me and I will have an honest, daily account of life together. With that being said, he brought me flowers yesterday just because. That was very nice and he remembered that white daisies are my favorite. Score one for him...

 

Swimming upstream

I told some friends Friday night what was going on in my head. Kinda wish I wouldn't have. I'm so prone to accepting false guilt and shame that it was less than helpful. I suppose some of it is because they are church friends. I don't recall the bible saying you shouldn't get divorced. I know I should take my vows seriously and I do. But it's hard to accept that knowing the reasoning behind the marriage and knowing it wasn't because of love. But church friends think I need to get in touch with reality. That my husband wants to change, can change and it's worth the fight. I don't think they understand it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

 

If it was meant to be then heck ya I'd hang in there. I would be fighting for the man I love and the life we have together. But I don't believe he can change and I don't believe that it's my responsibility to make him a better person. I can't even say he's a bad person. He's not. He always means well even though it will come out sideways at times. But he's a good man overall. So why should he change his ways for me? I just don't get that. My friends say I should hold him accountable and make him change. Why? Then he's just as unhappy as I am because he isn't being true to himself. That's not fair to either one of us.

 

Apparently I have a delusional mindset that a marriage should be built on a foundation of common ground, trust and love. Commitment is easy because you just can't imagine your life without that person. You don't have to struggle to find things to do together because you have similar interests. You can also be in the same room but completely separate from each other and it's good. You don't have to be connected at the hip either. Life is complimented by that person in your life, not hindered or restrained. It seems so simple to me and clear. Why can't anyone I know seem to understand? The one person I think would, I'm not allowed to talk to anymore. His wife is a bully too. We have the same upbringing and respond to life situations nearly identical. He's like my brother. Love him so much. But maybe not talking to him is good. Maybe he and I are both trying to swim up a stream that has a powerful current. Eventually I'm going to get tired and worn out. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. But I hope I get some fight in this.

 

Not because I want to be defiant or to hurt anyone but because I know I can't do this much longer. But now I feel like I have to because friends have told me they disagree with it, that I'm moving too fast, that I shouldn't be making major life decisions in the midst of grief. On the other hand, my therapist says it sounds like I am thinking clearly, I can't expect my husband to change, that grief is not like being in recovery for addictions where professionals encourage newly sober or clean people to wait a year to relearn life without the substance. Naturally those are the things I want to hear. They work better with my agenda. Even so, I cannot turn my back on what trusted friends have shared with me.

 

Sad thing is, I don't believe they would tell my bro-guy friend mentioned earlier the same that they told me. They would support him and be amazing. I think part of why they aren't that way with me is because they need my husband. We play in a band together and he's the lead singer. The band would not be the same without him. So I question the motives. I'm not convinced it's for my best interest. I think it's for the interest of the church we play at and their desire to keep things as they are. I get that and don't blame them. We are very good. However I'd like to think we could be able to still play in a band together. But I've always been one that could be around ex's and it's been fine. Awkward initially but back to friends in no time. There's no reason to be angry when it just doesn't work out. You tried, it didn't work. No blame, it just is what it is. But I guess I don't have a grasp on reality (sarcasm).

 

So here I am. Once again going against what everyone around me tells me I should do. My track record is such that the best decisions I've made have also been the ones where I've followed my heart and not took the advice of those around me. Perhaps I choose bad friends. Could be because I like broken people, but I don't think that's it at all. Broken doesn't equal bad. I think I have to trust myself enough to move forward. Even if I do, now I will wait so I can show my friends I tried. Sucks really because if they were there 6 years ago when we were in marriage counseling or when he left us for 6 months and things like that, they may have different opinions. I just don't feel like arguing the point nor dragging my husband through any more mud than I have to. He's not proud of his actions and I know what it feels like to be ashamed and guilty. It's not a good place to be and he doesn't need that anymore than anyone of us. Regardless. But that's how I roll. I wouldn't wish this curse on anyone, not even an enemy. Bizarre... You would think I'd be more angry. Maybe I should be. I really don't know.

 

But for now, I'll just keep swimming. Rest when I can, start planning for a future alone and securing myself financially and emotionally. It's about all I can do.