I write about this today because I feel bad that I can't do more for him. Not that it's my responsibility and I'm not really looking at it as a responsibility. It's because he's my friend and I want him to know he is special to me. I think I'm also transferring my stuff into his situation as well.
I turned 40 in October. What I did on my birthday was put the kids to bed, purchased some Birthday Cake vodka and had a couple shots in my own honor while texting with L (we were allowed to communicate more at that time). H was working nights so he wasn't home. Other than the standard Facebook congrats, there was no acknowledgement of that day at all. No cards, no emails, no presents, no cake, no going out. Although my girls did tell me that morning and I got extra big hugs so I can't say I didn't get anything.
But we are all taught that our birthday's are special. It isn't until we are older and want to live blissfully ignorant to the aging process that we down play our birthdays. Yet it seems as an adult we are suppose to push it aside and focus on our responsibilities, our obligations and not truly celebrate. There is only one person I know that as an adult throws a big party on his behalf. And I think it's weird that he does that every year. But truly isn't that the spirit in which we should look at our lives?
Shouldn't we rejoice and want to celebrate our lives? Shouldn't we be happy and excited for those that we love and have been strategically placed in our paths? Shouldn't we look at who we are instead of looking at what we don't have or didn't accomplish in our lives?
I think those of us who have had a less than perfect childhood find shame in our birthday's. I know for me it's a time where I think about all I didn't have and all the poor choices that got me to where I am on that day. However there is a small part of me that believes that I should be celebrated. That to friends I should be given an extra thought in the day. That to my significant other I should be a princess for at least an hour or so. That to my parents I should be seen as a gift for a part of the day.
I don't think it's asking a lot and yet I don't ask because I don't feel like I should have to. I want others to just know. Stupid isn't it. I think because I am so hyper aware of how I treat others and it's my instinct to make people around me happy, that I forget that not everyone is like me. Perhaps I'm just a spoiled brat that wants to be the center of attention once a year...no. That's not it. I am not comfortable in the center of attention at all. I don't even take compliments well. They make me feel guilty and I don't want to accept them so it's back to being somebody.
I want to be somebody important. I don't need to change the world. I don't need to save the city. I don't need to be publicly recognized as worthy. But I want someone to see me, all of me, and love me. I want it to be okay to be myself. I want to get to my birthday and be glad I'm alive and be told by the person who see's me that he is glad I'm alive and more glad we are together. I want to feel joy instead of shame.
I'm on my way to that; with or without H or anyone else. That's the other thing I want on a birthday. As much as I want to be cherished, it means so much more for me to be okay with just myself. I don't want to need the affirmation of a man to feel good about myself. I want to look in the mirror every morning and be glad I'm me and on my birthday especially, know that I've arrived.
So L, this one is for you. Someday you will know you're as awesome as you are...
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