Searching for lies

I find myself struggling tonight. Today was the way I thought it would be. He acted normal, trying to hold on and when that didnt work, he got pouty.

Imagine this, we are at a soccer game and I'm visiting with all the Moms I haven't seen since last year and suddenly H slowly stumbles backwards and sits down on the ground. People are asking him if he's ok and he tells them to get me. I go to him and he says he needs to go to the car. I walk him to the car and planned to head back to watch the game when he stops me and starts fussing about why I didn't notice him on the ground. Do I even care about him? Am I so selfish and wrapped up in the kids I can't take ten minutes to see how he's doing?

I was astonished. That is old behavior at it's best. I told him I was going back to the game so he follows me, continuing to ask dumb questions when I finally said, we are here for our daughter. She only asks for 1 hour to watch her play and that's what I'm going to do. He shut up but was still pouty. When I got back to the bleachers, I found out I missed my daughter score off a corner kick. Grr!

The rest of the evening he was needy, following me around like a puppy. Apologetic for the outburst earlier in the day. Conveniently, he didn't remember saying those things, he was feeling so horrible but there was nothing wrong with him. If he was one of my kids I would have called him out on his dramatics and not put up with it. But I was tired and didn't want to deal with it so I didn't confront him again.

I wonder why I do that. I know it's partially because I am afraid of his reactions because of the crap he's put me through in the past, however there's a part of me that wonders if I'm sabotaging this. Am I making sure he stays the bad guy by not communicating? Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to tell him how to behave like an adult. It's not my job to babysit him. He's a grown up and should work on fixing his own issues. I've got too many of my own to focus on.

Perhaps I'm sabotaging our relationship, already given up and just doing the time because I said I would. Perhaps I don't want this to work at all so I'm not putting effort into it. I don't know. But I know I feel like I'm enabling when I give away time meant for my daughter because he's throwing a tantrum. I know that the manipulative mind games are real even if he doesn't see how sick it is. I know that I can't keep this up. Pretending to be ok when I'm not. I struggle so much.

I love him as a friend and would absolutely care if he lives or dies. I absolutely care if he has a stroke or heart attack. I care if he's anxious or panicked. I care if he sad. I want to hug him when he needs one and I want to hold him when he needs to be held. But how do I do that when I'm trying to not be married to the man?

I don't know how to be his friend as his wife. Those two lines don't cross for us. We make great friends, I see the man he can be. But we can't live together. I can't be so emotionally wrapped up in him that I can't take care of myself. I can't be his savior. Jesus needs to be and I'm not arrogant enough to think I can remotely be that person in H's life. I want him to be ok and I want him to be happy and despite how he thinks I make him happy, we play these stupid games that suck the life out of both of us. It's not healthy for either one of us. But he thinks it works and needs it to be that way. I get it, but I don't want to participate in it anymore. So now what?

How do I hang on for a year feeling like this? Is it even possible for him to earn back enough trust for me to put forth more effort? I have been holding this thing together for so many years, I don't want to put anymore into it. Why did he have to decide now that he finally wanted to participate in our life? And if I can't trust, and there is nothing left, why keep the misery going? What keeps me holding on when it seems to me there is nothing good to hold on to? Guess I'd better keep pondering that one because I really need to know the answer to that. I need to know what it is in me that can't just do what I need to do. I need to know what lie I've been telling myself to keep going. Then I can find my truth and change. But I'm not sure I can block out a lifetime of lies even though I know I need to.

Band aid?

So today was actually ok outside of the stupid conversation we had today. What I forgot to mention is that he took my wedding ring from me on Saturday. More punishments. Not that I should care but that's my back up plan. It's been appraised at $8,000. I could get at least half of that. It would buy me time and give me money to get us out of this financial bind we are in.

He refused to file taxes for this year so we are illegal right now. We are behind in our house insurance, we owe our energy company almost $2000 from the winter, besides the Lexus payments and the insurance for it. Oh ya and he spent any money I had set aside to pay our property taxes which are due in may.

The ring won't cover it all but it will help. I still have to find a job and to make our monthly bills manageable I have to get us caught up. He keeps digging us in the hole. I think because he plans to take equity out of the house to get caught up. But I won't let him do that so it's going to be just another fight.

I'm so tired of fighting. I needed to nap today because I hardly slept at all last night but didn't want to be in our room, in our bed so I went to the guest room. I think that's where I'm going to be from now on. Until I can have the courage to ask him to go.

Maybe it will make things manageable for now so I can make it another 399 days to next June. But I know we wont. Why I keep hanging on I don't know. I think it's the bandaid principal. I'm usually a rip it off kind of person but in this situation I'm trying to soak it so it just falls off on it's own. Ugh.

Partially I'm doing that because my therapist has reminded me there are more than just two solutions. There might be an option that works better than getting divorced. I just don't know if I care about any other option. I should to be fair but really is it about fair? Who am I being fair to?

Me? My friends and kids would tell you I'm not taking care of me. And I know I should be. And I agree with them. I'm waiting for him. Because I want him to be ok. That's pretty naive of me to think he will be ok with this. Like somehow he will just say, "yes Amy you're right. We should be done.". And yet I totally expect that. I totally think I can make it happen.

Make it happen. How manipulative. I can make it happen. How stupid. I can't make it happen the way I want it. It's a control thing. I need to give up control on how this happens and just focus on the outcome. I want to be happy again. I want to trust. I want mutual care and attention. I want peace, joy, hope. That can happen with him hanging around but it wouldn't be easy and I hate how my kids are being affected. I hate how I'm being affected. It's like living with an alcoholic. I can lovingly detach and make it work or I can end it and have it over.

I want it over. I cannot handle the control. I do not deserve to be treated this way. My kids, family and friends do not deserve to see me treated this way. If there was love between him and I, I would do anything I could to make this work. But I'm holding on to something that never had what it should have in the first place. No love. It's always been controlled. To the actual extent, I'm finding out daily but none of it changes the fact this isn't meant to be.

Then again, maybe I'm having a midlife crisis.

Birthday Wishes

Today is my friend L's birthday. In case you haven't been following along, he's one of my best guy friends and in an identical marriage situation. For different reasons but we are married to the same person. I managed to sneak him an email to work to wish him a Happy Birthday. Actually getting it out of him initially was difficult. He had a hard time accepting that anyone would want to know and he made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone else. What finally got him to bend was that I told him I would say Happy Birthday every day of the month of April until I hit it. I would have too, guess he knew that so he had mercy on me and gave me the date. Just like I promised, no one else knows.

I write about this today because I feel bad that I can't do more for him. Not that it's my responsibility and I'm not really looking at it as a responsibility. It's because he's my friend and I want him to know he is special to me. I think I'm also transferring my stuff into his situation as well.

I turned 40 in October. What I did on my birthday was put the kids to bed, purchased some Birthday Cake vodka and had a couple shots in my own honor while texting with L (we were allowed to communicate more at that time). H was working nights so he wasn't home. Other than the standard Facebook congrats, there was no acknowledgement of that day at all. No cards, no emails, no presents, no cake, no going out. Although my girls did tell me that morning and I got extra big hugs so I can't say I didn't get anything.

But we are all taught that our birthday's are special. It isn't until we are older and want to live blissfully ignorant to the aging process that we down play our birthdays. Yet it seems as an adult we are suppose to push it aside and focus on our responsibilities, our obligations and not truly celebrate. There is only one person I know that as an adult throws a big party on his behalf. And I think it's weird that he does that every year. But truly isn't that the spirit in which we should look at our lives?
Shouldn't we rejoice and want to celebrate our lives? Shouldn't we be happy and excited for those that we love and have been strategically placed in our paths? Shouldn't we look at who we are instead of looking at what we don't have or didn't accomplish in our lives?

I think those of us who have had a less than perfect childhood find shame in our birthday's. I know for me it's a time where I think about all I didn't have and all the poor choices that got me to where I am on that day. However there is a small part of me that believes that I should be celebrated. That to friends I should be given an extra thought in the day. That to my significant other I should be a princess for at least an hour or so. That to my parents I should be seen as a gift for a part of the day.

I don't think it's asking a lot and yet I don't ask because I don't feel like I should have to. I want others to just know. Stupid isn't it. I think because I am so hyper aware of how I treat others and it's my instinct to make people around me happy, that I forget that not everyone is like me. Perhaps I'm just a spoiled brat that wants to be the center of attention once a year...no. That's not it. I am not comfortable in the center of attention at all. I don't even take compliments well. They make me feel guilty and I don't want to accept them so it's back to being somebody.

I want to be somebody important. I don't need to change the world. I don't need to save the city. I don't need to be publicly recognized as worthy. But I want someone to see me, all of me, and love me. I want it to be okay to be myself. I want to get to my birthday and be glad I'm alive and be told by the person who see's me that he is glad I'm alive and more glad we are together. I want to feel joy instead of shame.

I'm on my way to that; with or without H or anyone else. That's the other thing I want on a birthday. As much as I want to be cherished, it means so much more for me to be okay with just myself. I don't want to need the affirmation of a man to feel good about myself. I want to look in the mirror every morning and be glad I'm me and on my birthday especially, know that I've arrived.

So L, this one is for you. Someday you will know you're as awesome as you are...

Baby Steps

Well, I've had a chance to think about Easter day and how that went in regards to H. It was actually a good day. He got mad at me first thing because I wanted to dress up for church and he wanted to wear jeans. I didn't tell him he needed to dress up, he just felt obligated because I was. But once the day played out, it was a decent day! In fact, I realized in reflecting about the day that I can be critical about him to our friends. I say things off the cuff that are true but not necessarily for the world to know about him. That's not cool. I'm going to work on that. I guess I am not above things slipping out sideways either. I'd like to think I'm better than that but naturally I am humbled. God does that a lot to me. Probably a good thing as I can be a snot but He does remind me that I'm not as strong, as put together, as organized, as stable as I like to think I am.

I have to give props to H as well because I drug him down to a friends house that he barely knows to hang out with her and her family which includes a set of 2 year old twins, a 4 year old, an 8 year old and her boyfriend. All in a 5 room, 2 bedroom upstairs apartment in the hood. Yes, they are black and yes I am white. Obviously not an issue because those are my friends but he's been a little sheltered. However he did great! Normally H is the kind of guy that if he's not having a good time he will make sure everyone around him knows it. He can't just keep it under wraps for the sake of those he is with. But yesterday, he did put on a happy face and handled it like a trooper. It was really nice. If he was upset or annoyed about it, he kept it to himself and I wasn't even noticing it. I am really glad to see a positive change. Even if it was just for Easter, it was a nice Easter because of it. I appreciate the gesture a lot.

What I've also noticed in reflecting about the day is that even though he gets mad at me a lot, I don't really let it stop me unless he throws a major fit. A little tantrum doesn't even phase me. I let him have his say and keep going about my way. Like the dress clothes, like at practices, like pretty much everything. So when I actually push him to point that he physically lashes out at me, it takes me by surprise. However it is no wonder that he feels disrespected. I totally don't respect him at all. I've been wondering if I could do everything his way. I don't know if I can. Let me rephrase that, I can but I don't know if I want to. I've done it before to get to this point in our marriage but I missed myself so much. I missed being me. Thus I still question whether or not we will be able to be together because I want to be me and have it be okay. It isn't fun to fight all the time and it isn't fun to feel like who I am isn't okay.

Despite that, I needed to be sure to document that he tried and that he made an effort. That was really good. Today things were back to normal when he got pissed off because I wanted to wash the floors on my hands and knees verses using a mop but whatever. Baby steps right?

Robyn

I am beginning to hate weekends. I don't get the opportunity to write everyday like I do during the week. Mostly because he is hovering. He knows I have a blog but I totally lied to his face when he asked if I posted them on the web. I don't usually like to lie but I know that he wouldn't respect my privacy and I need this for me. Suppose it was selfish and rude but it is what it is.

So far it's been an interesting couple days. Yesterday we brought our oldest at home to a college about an hour and a half away for a weekend visit. The drive home alone was really good. We talked more about our situation and he acknowledged that if it doesn't work out after this year he can feel better about it because of the time we had. I don't know if that will really happen but it was a relief for me. Not that I should care about how he feels but I do. It's not like I hate the guy. We just shouldn't be married.

At the same time as his apparent acceptance, he's majorly kissing my butt. He came home with a Lexus for me today. Really? Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful and I have named her Robyn however I really could care less about money and stuff. I want to be happy and I don't need a Lexus to be happy. It is also not going to make me somehow forget the current situation nor is it going to make me feel like I am closer to him. I don't want gifts. I want compatibility. I want respect. I want kindness, hope, joy, laughter, love. You can't buy those things. Not to mention it makes me feel like I have to pay him back somehow. I'm waiting for the day when I do something wrong and he makes sure to point out that he bought me my new car so I owe him.

There is nothing worse than getting a gift with strings attached. I want to be super excited but I can't allow myself the joy I would if I knew it was because he really loved me. It's an appeasement of sorts. I suppose maybe an amend. I don't know really. But what it feels like to me is a cheap attempt to buy my heart and affections. It's like he doesn't hear me tell him I need substance. I need a partner, compatibility, companionship. I need a friend and a lover. I need my best friend to be my spouse. I don't need stuff.

And yet, the materialistic side of me cannot wait to rub it in my ex's face that he drives a 90's Honda Civic and I am in my new one. Selfish, rude and snotty but it's the truth. I'm okay with that. Sometimes it's just fun. Of course I love cars in general so let me tell you, it rides like a dream. Its super quiet. The sun roof is awesome although I don't know how much I'll get to use it in MN. It has great gas mileage especially for a V6 and it's just pretty. I didn't think that I'd be a blue car person but I'm a fan. It's understated enough to not draw too much attention but bold enough to make a statement because it's the car it is. I LOVE IT! I just wish it wasn't given to me under the circumstances that it was.

For now I will enjoy the car until he has brow beaten me enough with it that I don't and then I'll get rid of it. Or not. Maybe I'll make my peace with it and drive it until it has 250,000 miles on it. Lol! That will take forever considering I only drive the kids back and forth to school and run errands around town. But that's okay too. At least for today, it was a very nice gift and something I enjoy. Perhaps it will get to stay like that and Robyn will remain a blessing. Time will tell...

Fine line

I have been kicking around what I need vs what I want. What I need is far less than what I want. If what I need is all that matters, then I'm fine. I can survive on less even. However if what I want matters, then I need to make a change.

 

Proverbs 28 warns against a person trying to follow money and that we should be content with what we have and not being content robs us of life. Is it my discontent that drives my want? Should I be content and continue to die a little inside? Is what is dying inside actually a hope that needs to go away? Is it a selfish part manipulated by society's perception of love and marriage? Tough call. I don't know.

 

What I do know is there is a small voice deep inside of me that quietly whispers "you deserve more". Is that evil? Is it God? Is it me? I don't know but that still, small voice gets louder and louder everyday. Maybe it's because I turned 40 and I'm having a mid-life crisis. And yet, just a short while ago my daughter asked me how much more I'm going to put up with. It was unsolicited, she's 19 and she sees. The last kid to say something to me was the 18 year old. I guess it's obvious to the kids how mismatched he and I are. I wonder why it isn't obvious to everyone else.

 

Does it really matter though? What others think? It shouldn't but I definitely have issues with co-dependence. Clearly or I wouldn't even be wondering about the things I do. It's the co-dependence that continues to hold me back. My dependence on my friends, my dependence on my family, my dependence on my kids. I just want everyone around me to be happy. I know that is unrealistic but it's true. I used to be good at sacrificing so everyone else could have. I say used to because now I question it.

 

I question the necessity of keeping a happy face on when I'm not happy. I question why I keep attending and leading worship at a church I don't believe in. I question if it's my responsibility to take on the kind of responsibility I do. Is it really necessary for me to be the one to give all the time? Is it really necessary for everyone around me to be catered to? Do I really need to give up the rest of my life to a man I don't love? Do I really need to worry about what my friends think? If they are friends they will agree to disagree. Do I need to be concerned with how my husband is going to get along without me? Should I care that I have needs and wants and even bother making a change? It's a fine line and I have no ideas but to keep walking the line for as long as I can. I'll decide what I want or need later...