Fine line

I have been kicking around what I need vs what I want. What I need is far less than what I want. If what I need is all that matters, then I'm fine. I can survive on less even. However if what I want matters, then I need to make a change.

 

Proverbs 28 warns against a person trying to follow money and that we should be content with what we have and not being content robs us of life. Is it my discontent that drives my want? Should I be content and continue to die a little inside? Is what is dying inside actually a hope that needs to go away? Is it a selfish part manipulated by society's perception of love and marriage? Tough call. I don't know.

 

What I do know is there is a small voice deep inside of me that quietly whispers "you deserve more". Is that evil? Is it God? Is it me? I don't know but that still, small voice gets louder and louder everyday. Maybe it's because I turned 40 and I'm having a mid-life crisis. And yet, just a short while ago my daughter asked me how much more I'm going to put up with. It was unsolicited, she's 19 and she sees. The last kid to say something to me was the 18 year old. I guess it's obvious to the kids how mismatched he and I are. I wonder why it isn't obvious to everyone else.

 

Does it really matter though? What others think? It shouldn't but I definitely have issues with co-dependence. Clearly or I wouldn't even be wondering about the things I do. It's the co-dependence that continues to hold me back. My dependence on my friends, my dependence on my family, my dependence on my kids. I just want everyone around me to be happy. I know that is unrealistic but it's true. I used to be good at sacrificing so everyone else could have. I say used to because now I question it.

 

I question the necessity of keeping a happy face on when I'm not happy. I question why I keep attending and leading worship at a church I don't believe in. I question if it's my responsibility to take on the kind of responsibility I do. Is it really necessary for me to be the one to give all the time? Is it really necessary for everyone around me to be catered to? Do I really need to give up the rest of my life to a man I don't love? Do I really need to worry about what my friends think? If they are friends they will agree to disagree. Do I need to be concerned with how my husband is going to get along without me? Should I care that I have needs and wants and even bother making a change? It's a fine line and I have no ideas but to keep walking the line for as long as I can. I'll decide what I want or need later...