He bought himself some sparkly shoes. He said he would wear them when I wore mine. He wanted to show me he supports me and who I am. Sparkly shoes and all.
At first I laughed. It was funny to see sparkly shoes on him. But as it's been sinking in, if he's serious, I'm pissed off. I don't want him to change himself for me. I just want to be ok as myself.
But what if he is sparkly shoe kind of guy? Does it even matter? Do I care? I want to say I don't because I'm done but there is a small piece of me that wants this to work. I don't want to give up. I want him to be the guy he is trying to be.
But I cannot allow myself that hope. I cannot afford to do that. I'd like to but it's a place I've gone over and over again, only to be burned. And that's just with him. If I were to transfer the rest of my life onto him, then there's no chance.
I can't scapegoat him. I can't allow him to be held responsible for a lifetime of abuse. I can't let him be a martyr because I'm fed up with crappy behavior. And yet I get concerned that I might be doing that. Is there anything he can do to make things better? Is sparkly shoes enough?
I think it's sweet he wants to show me that support. I think it's nice that he's trying to do the little things that mean so much. I think he is desperate and really wants us to work. But do I?
I'm not sure. So I'll see what happens with the sparkly shoes. Maybe they will be a part of his personality, maybe not. The only thing I know for sure is that they are a part of mine.
