This has been an unusual weekend. He's been fairly independent so I was able to spend a lovely afternoon with my daughter and bake and cook and stuff for Easter. Although I am a bit annoyed because I couldn't find the hand mixer and wasn't able to make some of the things I wanted. They would have tasted fine but not presented the way I want so I nixed the idea completely. That's something I have to be aware of about myself. I can get caught up in black and white and forget there can be middle ground.
For the most part I've given up my perfectionism. But not when it comes to cooking and driving. Lol, weird things to hold on to but what I've done anyway. I used to need everything just so but as I got older and realized I couldn't maintain such insanity, I learned to accept my short comings and live my strengths instead of focusing on what I do wrong all the time. That's my upbringing.
Even though my dad and I are working on a relationship now, we didn't have much of one when I was growing up. Although it wasn't horrible it wasn't good either. I was pretty much his confidant and only friend which my therapist has labeled as emotional incest. Yucky words but appropriate nonetheless. I'm trying to shift our relationship away from me being his therapist and us being friends. I don't know how successful I am but last week was good. Time will tell and I'll process that as I need to. Right now that's not the focus.
But his emotional absence and my Moms constant criticism really made me a perfectionist. And yet I'm sympathetic enough because of it that I cannot do that to anyone else. Nor do I want to. It's a horrible way to live especially when you realize you will never be good enough for the people who are suppose to love you unconditionally, support you, encourage, lift up and nurture you. Although my adult brain understands that it wasn't necessarily because I didn't measure up, they didn't know how to be any different. Yet still feeling those feelings as a child even now, I cannot understand how I was such a bad person.
That's probably a big piece of why my marriage is not going to last. I cannot and will never be who he wants me to be. He saw someone pliable that he thought he could control and manipulate and he fell in love. But that's not what he got. Especially now that the one person in this world that could intimidate me is dead.
Intimidate. Interesting choice of words. But true. She intimidated me. I suppose it's the several broken jaws, ribs, black eyes, bruises and such. I might just be the dumbest smart person. I should have been afraid but for whatever reason I stopped being afraid. I remember the exact moment too. I was sent to my room and waiting there for her to come in and give me my punishment and I realized that the worse she was going to do was hurt me physically. I was 10. So she beats me up. Whatever. From that point on she intimidated me but I was no longer afraid.
Another side effect of my awareness and self empowerment was that I was done allowing her to bully my brothers, sister and dad. As the oldest of the family I was assuming responsibility to "pop the zit" when I could feel her raging. I got in her face, would purposely do things I knew she disliked so she would come after me. I knew I could take it and I didn't want them to have to. What a crazy choice for a 10 year old to have to make, or to even try to make. But I did and from that point on it is my instinctual reaction when someone around me is mad and it's directed at me.
Thankfully I've learned I don't have to repel every conflict nor do I need to be the savior or rescuer but it's hard for me to bite my tongue and say "yes dear" when really I want to pop that zit instead of letting it fester. Worst case scenario he hits me again. Whatever, I can take it. Although he has huge hands and is quite strong, it hurts a lot more than when my mom would. But I still refuse to shed a tear and if it gets to that point, I will still keep it secret. Because that's what I'm suppose to do. Why am I suppose to?
Because despite it all, I still don't want to hurt anyone. It would be a lot harder for me to live with myself knowing I sabotaged someone, whether on purpose or not, when I could have just kept my mouth shut and let it pass. I wonder why that is. Probably something to ask my therapist next week. I could figure it out on my own but I prefer to not analyze myself. I am much more trusting of other peoples opinions.
Well I won't get to take a bath and write tomorrow so see ya Monday. Happy Easter!
