I like mornings

Mornings are nice. Not the ones where you set an alarm and have to jump out of bed to start your day but the ones where you linger. Take your time and just let the wave of the day sweep you away. No agendas, no stresses yet, just you and God looking ahead. This is also the best time for sex in my opinion too. Something about starting your day with that release is pretty cool.

 

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to wake up next to somebody you were happy to see. To watch them sleep, to hold them, to want to cover them in kisses and touch every part of them. I'm a touchy feely person anyway but to have a spouse that you just want to be near, sounds amazing. The idea of having that emotional intimacy is intoxicating for me. It distracts my thoughts, influences my actions, appeals to my heart and my hope. Well everything except the spouse part.

 

I don't think I could or should marry again. I can't be trusted. I would live with someone, I would be committed but I would always want that door to be open. For whatever reason marriage seems like a jail cell. I don't want to go back into one once I get out. However I see K and G together and their marriage is about freedom. It's inspirational.

 

Being together gives them permission to be themselves. The good and the bad. They are free to express what they want, when they want and how they want without there being backlash or punishment. They are free to break down because the other will be there for them. They are free to try new things because the other will be there to lift them up. There is freedom with them because of the love they share. I'm sure I'm not adequately describing it but just trust me, their marriage is freedom. It's so different from anything I've seen before and yet my heart recognizes it as truth.

 

What I grew up seeing is abuse, anger, bitterness, resentment, frustration. I don't think I ever saw my parents hug or kiss. It was rare to even see them together although I have vivid memories of them physically fighting and me being scared for my dad because he refused to hit a woman. So he just let her beat on him. I guess it was better than her beating on me or my brother. Shouldn't have happened at all but ya know, it is what it is. Point being, I knew that was wrong. I often wished my parents would have gotten divorced so I could have a safe place somewhere. But with my friends, their marriage is safe and loving. Probably a little co-dependent but why not? It works for them.

 

I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship like that. I feel like I have a friendship like that with L but we are just friends. Although at one point when I was trying to figure out how to sort out what I was feeling, thought he and I should be FWB. Lol! But that was a stupid whim and a feeble attempt to make myself feel better about the current situation. Now that I'm willing to take an honest, hard look at things, I don't want that. I never really did. FWB is good in theory, not so good played out. It is merely a distraction from the truth. A truth that needs to be accepted, faced and either acted upon or not. That would be my choice. One I'm still pondering.

 

God has put L and K in my life. An amazing guy and girl friends. I used to question it. But now I see I am not meant to. They have taught me to trust in friendship, they have showed me unconditional love, they have blessed me with their opinions, wisdoms and truths. They listen, don't need or want the short version, and get it so I don't have to say too much. Holy cow is that a gift. I can be in a room with either one of them and it can be silent, and it isn't awkward. We just get each other. Love that. But I like silence. Probably why I adore lazy mornings so much. The silence, the peace, the positive energy as the sun reveals itself to the world and the potential for the day ahead is set. What a beautiful time. Just wish I had someone to share it with...