Leaving my fantasyland

I'm still pondering yesterday's post. I find myself totally wrapped up in all the men around me. G has  a lot of qualities I would adore in a man. So does T and even H. How delusional I am to think that the "perfect" person is out there. But am I really saying that there is a perfect person?

I don't think I am. I think I'm saying that I have preferences. And yet, I'm so messed up in the head right now I can't honestly make a sound judgment call when it comes to relationships. I do get concerned though at myself when I read yesterday's post and see how vulnerable I am. I have to be sure to keep my head out of that place or I'm going to do stupid things. No, I'm not saying with L even though I realize it could have been interpreted as me having a crush on him. It wasn't about him per se, and more about what I would want in a man.

Truthfully I shouldn't be thinking about the qualities I want in a man. I have one. If I'm looking to make my life complicated, that would be a good way to do it. I really don't. My brain cannot handle one more anxiety to process. Trust me, there wouldn't be enough legal drugs out there to manage the kind of episode it would cause. And yet I'm back to an earlier post about hope. Hope in a better future. Hope in a different life. Hope in a chance to do things right and make life the way I feel like is should be. But I can't afford that hope right now. It is that hope that has led me astray.

Even though I'm moving in a direction of independence and the chance of life being different, I cannot be distracted from healing by the hope of a rescue. I need to rescue myself. I need to be okay sharing those intimate things with my therapist and my best friend. I need to be okay as a woman without a man at her side. I need to like myself without the daily affirmation of a husband. I need to focus my energy on me and my girls. Period.

So I will wrestle back the urges to think ahead to life with a man that exists only in my head and focus on the here and now. I am blessed with beautiful and amazing children, a beautiful home, I live in a great town and community, I belong to a church that has incredible people in it, I have friends that love me like I love them. God has even blessed me with sons. :) The life I have right now is exactly where I need to be. So no more fantasy talk for now. Back to reality...and it's a good one.

Spew

It's been several days since I've written. Mostly because I just have had so much to write about I wasn't sure where to start. That and the weekend didn't allow me the opportunity to write like I usually try to. So I'm going to recap what's been happening with my personal commentary about it. I have no idea where this is going to go.

The weekend went well. The kids were at their Dad's house and C went to her aunt's. It was just H and I which always goes well because he gets undivided attention. Just the way he likes it. However with that being said, he certainly seems to be making changes. He's much more humble and trying very hard to not control things. It's awkward because I don't really know how to deal with it and yet it was very nice. We were friends this weekend. We still slept apart but we did a lot together and it was good until C came home Sunday afternoon.

She came home her aunt had attached 3 spirit guides to her. That was fun to deal with. Not that I'm a stranger to Spiritual Warfare but not something you expect to deal with. What was impressive was that H prayed with me and afterwards, he anointed the property. He has never done that. I've always been the one to pray for a protective hedge around our home and yard. I was surprised when he brought it up and even more surprised when he asked me to teach him how. Again, giving up control for him...hopefully it's growth.

Then Monday came along and it was normal, Tuesday it hit the fan again. The girls were all accused of cheating. That never happens. They wouldn't do that. Well I'm not totally delusional that it couldn't but it would have been very out of character for them. But the accusations were there nonetheless and they were upset. C cut herself that evening when H and I went to the grocery store. That made me feel like we weren't spiritually covered and that H and I needed to be sleeping in the same bed and I needed to put a ring back on my finger. So when we went to Super Wal-Mart, we bought me a plain band to wear.

I struggle with this. I'm glad I'm not wearing my wedding ring but I'm still wearing something. It feels like ownership to me. I feel owned. Like this ring tells the world that I'm the property of H. I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I don't think I'm ready to accept the situation as it is yet but since we have gotten back "together" the kids seem to be protected again. Our life settled down and has been more normal.

I can't help but wonder if I have allowed myself to feel guilty for something that is just a normal bump in the road. H has been great and he's been consistent with his changes thus far. I am starting to believe it could be a new way of life for him but was this God's plan for me to accept him back into our bed and my life in order to protect our kids? I don't know. I don't feel good about it. He's been all lovey dovey and wanting to kiss and hug me all the time, I let him but don't like it. I'm back to trying to fake it because I don't want him to feel bad. He has been working hard, I see that. So I feel like I need to recognize and acknowledge it by being more of a wife to him.

That sucks. I'm just placating the situation again... What is it about me that makes me do this? I'm comfortable giving to people. I want everyone around me to know they are loved. And I'm willing to do it at my expense. Now what?

Can I go back to separated? Will the kids be affected? Will H be so broken that he reverts to his old ways? Have I just sentenced myself again, this time willingly, to a lifetime with someone I'm not in love with because I felt like it was best for my kids? Because I wanted him to know the good work that has been started in him is noticed? How annoying. I confuse myself. I have no business being married or even in a relationship with someone. I'm a mess and I met with my new therapist yesterday and don't like her at all. I want J back. But he got moved to 50 miles away. Do I make the drive once a week?

I might have to. No, not have to. I might want to. Okay, I can pull the word might out of that sentence. I want to. It was such a relief to get paired up with him in the first place. Finally someone that isn't a career therapist and has been around the block a time or two. Funny how you know immediately if the person sitting across from you is genuine or not. Let me revisit that a sec. R who I met with yesterday I'm sure was genuine and she was probably good at her job. However I knew I wasn't going to be able to relate to her. She had all the right words and a lot to say. And all her words were clinical and textbook. Which is probably calming for most. For me, it's alarming. I've had enough education that I'm not impressed by the lingo and jargon of the field. I don't need to be impressed by your knowledge of your job. I need you to listen and guide me. She would definitely do that but in a way that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because she's a woman. I certainly relate better to men. Maybe because it felt like she was finding ways to push me off to a group instead of one on one therapy. Maybe she just doesn't understand the problem. Maybe she was just too arrogant. I don't know but it's not going to work out with her. Something I'm going to need to resolve sooner than later, but not today.

Well that's my spew for today. I really don't have anything solved but at least it's out there. And just in time for another weekend. I got my laptop back from daughter #3 so I should be able to start blogging weekends even if I do it when I'm on the toilet. I need to do it. It helps. Guess we will see what tomorrow brings...

Broken

Well today was an interesting day. Actually it was quite normal until H got home. He came in the door, dropped to his knees in front of me, starting crying, apologized and clung to my legs as he begged me to forgive him. Normally such a display would melt me and I would start crying and everything would be okay. But I walled up and allowed some of the anger I have to surface so I could stay strong. I wasn't rude or mean but I did say that I forgive him but things aren't going to change and he will have to show me things will be different. He accepted that. Later we went for a drive to figure out the details of this new arrangement and how it was going to work.

What I wonder today is why human beings have to be broken before we can change. Why were we created to be sinners? It almost feels like a set up doesn't it? Here, you can't help but be jerks but I'll give you the capacity to love and forgive and allow you the chance to be forgiven. It's like a formula for drama. And yet, we cannot hold God responsible for the actions of human beings...or can we?

I know I can't because free will is a gift even though we choose to misuse it as humans. I'm glad I have the choice to believe or not to believe. I'm glad I have the choice to decide what I am going to, or not going to do. I'm glad that I understand sadness so I can feel joy. I am glad I can feel anxiety because it makes me appreciate peace. It's all quite a complicated yet beautiful system of action and reaction.

Yet sometimes we think we are broken but we stay the way we were. We get the forgiveness and a second, third, fourth chance and we keep messing up. I would want someone to give me multiple chances and yet I don't think I can do that anymore. I appreciate that H is trying but if this doesn't end the way he wants, then will he resent me for making him change? I'm not making him change but he feels like I am by kicking him out.

It was sad to see him so broken. I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone, even him. And yet I knew I couldn't react, couldn't respond. This battle is his and I need to stand my ground. I'm quite resolved now but even though I'm strong on the outside, I'm torn on the inside. I want to believe this is going to be good and end well...no that's not true. I really don't. I'm so jaded that I don't want this to work. I can't believe it might because if I allow that piece of hope I will be back where I was even a week or two ago...conflicted.

Even though I'm resolved I'm broken too. I hate that this is where we had to end up. I hate that I waited so long to demand respect. I hate that it took a heartbreak for him to see that maybe the way he's treated me isn't good. I hate that it is uncomfortable and awkward for our friends (well the ones that aren't oblivious). I just want to heal. I just want to be whole. I just want to be myself and no longer be ashamed of who I am. I don't think that's too much to ask but with this free will thing, it seems like a lot.

God made me to care. I love. It's what I do. I want everyone I meet or encounter or know to feel special, important and appreciated. The love I have for them is God's love. It isn't mine. I'm a weinie. But His love works through me and it's awesome. I love being used. But I can't call it used. God and I are partners. He's gives me all I need and in return I allow him to love me and put me where and when He needs me to be. It's so simple and yet so gratifying. If for no other reason than I feel like I have a purpose. My purpose is only to serve God and the rest works itself out. It's quite remarkable. Another very cool system God has put in place.

What strikes me most about it is that He can still work with us when we are broken. That's why I can't totally discount what H said tonight. God might be able to work in him. This marriage might be able to be saved or maybe not. Even if H and I don't stay married, H will be a better person as will I. Nothing bad will come of this if I can keep my eyes focused on Christ and continue to be true to my heart and myself. I want to believe that. I have to believe that.

So I guess I'll stay in brokenness and hope that H stays broken too so God can put us both back together the way we are supposed to be whether that is together or apart.

I like mornings

Mornings are nice. Not the ones where you set an alarm and have to jump out of bed to start your day but the ones where you linger. Take your time and just let the wave of the day sweep you away. No agendas, no stresses yet, just you and God looking ahead. This is also the best time for sex in my opinion too. Something about starting your day with that release is pretty cool.

 

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to wake up next to somebody you were happy to see. To watch them sleep, to hold them, to want to cover them in kisses and touch every part of them. I'm a touchy feely person anyway but to have a spouse that you just want to be near, sounds amazing. The idea of having that emotional intimacy is intoxicating for me. It distracts my thoughts, influences my actions, appeals to my heart and my hope. Well everything except the spouse part.

 

I don't think I could or should marry again. I can't be trusted. I would live with someone, I would be committed but I would always want that door to be open. For whatever reason marriage seems like a jail cell. I don't want to go back into one once I get out. However I see K and G together and their marriage is about freedom. It's inspirational.

 

Being together gives them permission to be themselves. The good and the bad. They are free to express what they want, when they want and how they want without there being backlash or punishment. They are free to break down because the other will be there for them. They are free to try new things because the other will be there to lift them up. There is freedom with them because of the love they share. I'm sure I'm not adequately describing it but just trust me, their marriage is freedom. It's so different from anything I've seen before and yet my heart recognizes it as truth.

 

What I grew up seeing is abuse, anger, bitterness, resentment, frustration. I don't think I ever saw my parents hug or kiss. It was rare to even see them together although I have vivid memories of them physically fighting and me being scared for my dad because he refused to hit a woman. So he just let her beat on him. I guess it was better than her beating on me or my brother. Shouldn't have happened at all but ya know, it is what it is. Point being, I knew that was wrong. I often wished my parents would have gotten divorced so I could have a safe place somewhere. But with my friends, their marriage is safe and loving. Probably a little co-dependent but why not? It works for them.

 

I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship like that. I feel like I have a friendship like that with L but we are just friends. Although at one point when I was trying to figure out how to sort out what I was feeling, thought he and I should be FWB. Lol! But that was a stupid whim and a feeble attempt to make myself feel better about the current situation. Now that I'm willing to take an honest, hard look at things, I don't want that. I never really did. FWB is good in theory, not so good played out. It is merely a distraction from the truth. A truth that needs to be accepted, faced and either acted upon or not. That would be my choice. One I'm still pondering.

 

God has put L and K in my life. An amazing guy and girl friends. I used to question it. But now I see I am not meant to. They have taught me to trust in friendship, they have showed me unconditional love, they have blessed me with their opinions, wisdoms and truths. They listen, don't need or want the short version, and get it so I don't have to say too much. Holy cow is that a gift. I can be in a room with either one of them and it can be silent, and it isn't awkward. We just get each other. Love that. But I like silence. Probably why I adore lazy mornings so much. The silence, the peace, the positive energy as the sun reveals itself to the world and the potential for the day ahead is set. What a beautiful time. Just wish I had someone to share it with...

 

What Happened?

Today I'm wondering what happened. I know what happened because I was there but what happened? It wasn't suppose to be like this. I had dreams, hopes, goals for my life. Now I'm in the middle of my life wondering where it all went. At what point in my life did I give up on myself? Kinda bleak but not meant in a depressed way and no, I'm not suicidal.

I look at where I am and where I thought I'd be and see that I have sacrificed yet again. I wanted a happy home. A husband that adores me. Brings me flowers. A man that loves God, loves music, loves children, wants to serve. A man that is as laid back but as convicted as I am. A man that finds solace in nature. A man who is affectionate, drinks regularly, doesn't mind that I smoke, likes to cook and eat, isn't super picky about how neat the house is, can fix stuff and has the same fiscal mind. Someone with a sense of humor that doesn't mind that I'm a dork and one that cherish's my heart for the people around me and encourages me to keep on loving them. Someone who is secure but mostly, I want someone that see's the real me and loves me anyway. 

You know, see the places that are hidden. See's behind the fake smile, the psycho-babble that disables and disarms the average "Joe". See's the abyss of my heart and doesn't fear the darkness but wants to go explore it and find what makes me tick. That wants to find out the secrets that are locked inside and wants to hear "the good, the bad and the ugly". I have a dark side. As deeply as I care, I am as deep in darkness. Anger, fear, resentment, bitterness, rage, injustice, selfishness, are just a few. I want to think that a man can see that stuff as well and still accept me. But I am losing hope that that person is out there.

I believe it is possible. However not with who I am currently with. I'd like to think so but he lacks the ability to see beyond himself and what he needs or wants. That's not a criticism. I rather like that he can force people around him to say, do and feel what he wants. Its a trait I don't have. But it sucks to be married to when your ideas don't click. Especially when I end up apologizing for things that aren't mine to apologize for. It's sad really...that I can feel responsible for his issues and end up being the one to make amends and try to resolve the situation. I will often say, "I've pissed you off, what else is new?". And that's the truth. I never fail to disappoint, to upset, to trip-up and cause friction with him. I spend every day worrying about whether or not the house is clean enough, I've been busy enough, if he's going to approve of what I cook for dinner or the set I pick for our team to play...I just noticed I live in fear...again.

WTF! It wasn't supposed to be like this...so what happened?

The Capacity of a Human Heart?

Do you ever wonder how things would be different if you were in love? I often think about what would be different. Would the sun seem brighter? Would the birds sing sweeter? Would I be excited to get out of bed or get home from the day? Is making love different than having sex? What would change? What wouldn't? Is it all just some kind of hype that Hollywood made up to sell movies or is it really as great as in my head?

 

I've had a lot of people fall in love with me. Not to sound arrogant. It's not meant that way at all. Thinking about that makes me wonder what it is about who I am that makes me seem so appealing to people and concerning to their spouses. I suppose some of those thoughts are because I have been trying to wrap my head around a friends wife accusing him and me of having an affair. But she's not the first wife that's happened with. However husbands have been jealous of friendships that I've had with their wives as well. What do I do, right or wrong, that makes me so threatening? And why do people assume that it's sexual instead of loving?

 

I know how I try to live and how I want to be. I start my day asking God to use me in whatever way he sees fit. I am so blessed to be able to go wherever and whenever I want. My husband makes that possible and I'm grateful. Then I follow my heart through the day. I text, call, email those that are on my heart. I visit the elderly, hang with my dad, or just stay home and pray as I'm putzing on the house. I sincerely ask how the cashier at the gas station is and remember the next time I come in to ask how that particular situation is going because it matters to me...and to them. All I want to do is be sure people know they are loved. Love wins. Period.

 

I try to be guarded yet transparent. Only those who really look see me. The rest see the outside. I wonder what  those that really see me think. I wonder if they know how fickle my heart is. If they can see the secrets that I hide deep within. I wonder if they know how perverse my thoughts can be or how sacrificial my heart is. I wonder if they see the passion, the fear, the confusion. It scares me and yet there is a longing to be known on that level. God knows me there and loves me. Does anyone else and would they love me if they did?

 

I used to think there's no way a human can love like God. A human can be that accepting, loving, gentle, compassionate, sensitive, kind, genuine, sincere and forgiving as God. Yet if the love of Christ is in our hearts and we've been born again, then why not?

I've played it safe my whole life but time after time in the bible we are told of the most influential Christians and how they didn't play it safe. In fact, Jonah was swallowed by the whale because he tried to play it safe. Lol! Now that's my kind of God who knows how to wake you up. I wonder if my wake up calls could be so intense. It would certainly take the guess work out of serving. Then I'd know for sure if I'm doing the right things.

 

Since that's not the way God chooses to deal with me, I guess I will keep wondering about love. My husband says he's in love with me. However choking, pushing, threatening, shaming etc is not love. He wants to change. I've heard it before and I don't trust it. Being an abused child and 2 other abusive marriages, I just don't feel like I have the capacity to forgive much less trust him. How can we have a marriage if I don't trust? Why live a life harboring resentment? But that's my choice. Leave and heal, stop with relationships and definitely no more marriages or face my fear, choose to forgive, and hope for the best. Both are risks and I'm conflicted. Is my heart prepared for the let down the next time he hurts me? Am I willing to lose the second half of my life trying to fix something that shouldn't have happened in the first place?

 

He tells me he is scared to lose me... Only after I tell him I've had enough. He tells me he's sorry... Only after our friends see the bruises and hear the lame cover story. Don't get me wrong, 90% of the time he's a really great guy but my kids are afraid to be alone with him. They hide when he's in a bad mood. Not that he's ever laid a hand on them but he hadn't exactly been kind either. His words are sharp and his attitude even more hurtful. They tell me they feel like they are in the way and that they think he resents their existence because he's so jealous of my time. Good or bad, I put my kids first.

But I digress. What I'm really wondering about is love. Is the kind of love I hope for in my heart real from anyone besides God? If it is then why am I wasting my time? And on the other hand, if I truly have Christs love, then shouldn't I continue where I am and forgive 70 x 7 like the bible says and just hope and pray someday I will fall in love with my husband and be loved the way I feel like I should be? Like I deserve to be?

 

A friend is in a similar position. He's been with his wife since they got pregnant with their oldest. Over 20 years now. He's miserable and she's perfectly content making him that way. He believes and hopes in the same love that I do. He also questions like I do. And yet, neither one of us can come up with a solution. We know our options but can't bring ourselves to go there. Our kids are old enough to understand, cope and practically out of the house. Because of that, they are also able to see what we sacrifice to remain a nuclear family. What kind of example is that? Are we showing our kids how to love unconditionally or are we showing them how to be gluttons for punishment, accepting blame and resposibility for the actions of our spouses who are sometimes quite unhealthy? Which brings me back to the original question. Does the human heart have the capacity to love like Christ did and does?

 

I choose to believe it does. Whether or not my spouse has that capacity, I don't know. But if a human heart can love like Christ, then what's next for me?