Leaving my fantasyland

I'm still pondering yesterday's post. I find myself totally wrapped up in all the men around me. G has  a lot of qualities I would adore in a man. So does T and even H. How delusional I am to think that the "perfect" person is out there. But am I really saying that there is a perfect person?

I don't think I am. I think I'm saying that I have preferences. And yet, I'm so messed up in the head right now I can't honestly make a sound judgment call when it comes to relationships. I do get concerned though at myself when I read yesterday's post and see how vulnerable I am. I have to be sure to keep my head out of that place or I'm going to do stupid things. No, I'm not saying with L even though I realize it could have been interpreted as me having a crush on him. It wasn't about him per se, and more about what I would want in a man.

Truthfully I shouldn't be thinking about the qualities I want in a man. I have one. If I'm looking to make my life complicated, that would be a good way to do it. I really don't. My brain cannot handle one more anxiety to process. Trust me, there wouldn't be enough legal drugs out there to manage the kind of episode it would cause. And yet I'm back to an earlier post about hope. Hope in a better future. Hope in a different life. Hope in a chance to do things right and make life the way I feel like is should be. But I can't afford that hope right now. It is that hope that has led me astray.

Even though I'm moving in a direction of independence and the chance of life being different, I cannot be distracted from healing by the hope of a rescue. I need to rescue myself. I need to be okay sharing those intimate things with my therapist and my best friend. I need to be okay as a woman without a man at her side. I need to like myself without the daily affirmation of a husband. I need to focus my energy on me and my girls. Period.

So I will wrestle back the urges to think ahead to life with a man that exists only in my head and focus on the here and now. I am blessed with beautiful and amazing children, a beautiful home, I live in a great town and community, I belong to a church that has incredible people in it, I have friends that love me like I love them. God has even blessed me with sons. :) The life I have right now is exactly where I need to be. So no more fantasy talk for now. Back to reality...and it's a good one.

Empower

 

Today I've been thinking about empowerment because I feel empowered. There are 3 definitions that I found at MerriamWebster.com for empower:

1:  to give official authority or legal power to

2:  enable 

3:  to promote the self-actualization or influence of

 

I'm not exactly keen on the word enable but why not? I have been enabled to be a better person. To say it's okay that I heal. To promote myself and give myself power to be me in the best way I can. Amazing how it has such a profound affect on my life. Being told I'm okay, I'm making good choices, I'm on the right track has given me so much strength. Even though I'm not always sure of my actions, I still know I'm doing good. Does that make sense?

 

I feel in my gut that I'm on the right track. It feels good and I'm becoming more confident. Yet the old way of thinking still sometimes gets in the way and I find myself doubting but that doubt is quickly dissipating. I don't know if that is because I have a lot of hidden pride or if I was just ready for this change. Probably doesn't matter really, I'm doing it and it's going well.

 

I think the ease in this transition is that I have seen how others are. I have a friend who was a victim of incest growing up. Yet she is an amazing woman. I see how strong she is, how she has grown, how she no longer lets that situation in her life control her and it has made me want that. I want to feel good about myself. I want to like myself. I want to be free from the anxieties that plague my days and especially nights. Not just want but dream of it because she has shown me it is possible. What she endured was far worse than anything I've gone through. I have so much admiration for her and if you met her, you would too.

 

I have dreamt of what it would be like to be free from the shame, the false guilt and the expectations I have placed on myself. I have imagined my life not being so easily emotionally blackmailed. I have imagined what it will be like to have the freedom to wear my sparkly shoes to church. I have dreamt about the laughter, the tears, the joy, the peace. I have wanted it so badly that I could taste it. And for a LONG time. I have prayed, I have begged, I have longed. So it's almost as if I have already lived this way because somewhere inside me, I already have.

 

What took me so long to get here? Empowerment. The death of my Mom gave me permission to question my life. It gave me the ability to take back the authority in my own life. It allowed me to free myself and rid myself from the constant oppression that I felt. Even though I wasn't living with her and had moved on in my life, she was still an ominous presence in my life. I never felt good enough. I always felt like I had to doubt myself. I believed that any confidence I had or displayed was pride and bad. Those open wounds dictated my future, my life, my choices. With her death, those wounds can finally be healed and I can finally move on.

 

It kinda makes me sad that it took me to empower myself. I shouldn't have been this way but it was and it is what it is. What I do know is that I love where I'm at and now that I've given myself to be empowered, I am finding support all around me that I didn't see before. I have incredible friends who truly love me like I love them. As my Dad is finding freedom himself, he is empowering me. My children are my biggest fans and I've had a great therapist. I don't think I could see any of that before. I just couldn't believe I was worth it, that I deserved anything other than punishment, or that I could have the strength to handle life on my own terms and in my own way. I dared to hope and with that hope came action and here I am.

 

I smile and rejoice today because I have been empowered and I can't wait for my life to begin because I've already lived it in my heart. I know what it will be and it is GOOD!