Which direction?

Haven't written for a while. Hasn't been too much to write about and I've been trying to adjust to a summer schedule plus working and a house guest so I don't get much time. Not that I haven't been thinking because I have. Of course there is no resolutions yet although I'm seeing and feeling movement which is good. Just not sure which direction it's taking me.

I find myself noticing more and saying less again. I'm also not seeing my friends as much nor in therapy so my sounding boards aren't getting used. H is quickly shifting back to his old ways and even though I say less now, I still say something. For example I told him I didn't like the direction we are going and I'm not going back. His response was to tell me the changes he has noticed in me and how I can be better including quitting my job. Normally I would have kept my mouth shut. Tonight I told him to worry about what he needs to do and I'll worry about what I need to do because it won't work in the current state.

I'm increasingly aware of the June deadline. I'm so grateful for it. It's a form of accountability for me. Not just in my on again-off again marriage but individually as well. My heart is softening and I'm less afraid of my feelings. There is less shame in crying and I can feel myself closer to forgiving my mom. I'm tired of carrying it around.

Also my bff challenged me to listen to Christian radio to work every day last week. Although I didn't listen daily, I did a couple of the mornings when the silence was deafening. I have to admit the messages in the music certainly made a difference in my heart. It reminded me of the promises of the bible and what God has for me. It brought back hope. This time not in a future life without H or a soul mate but a hope in the present. That each moment, good or bad, each step I take, is in God's hands. It really doesn't matter what direction I am going because God is in the details. Now that's a hope I can hold on to. Thanks k. I love you.

Summer Vacation

It's the last week of school and the kids are getting excited. They are bouncing off the walls eagerly awaiting the first day of summer so they can sleep in. Remember those days? I do. The rumbling through the halls with sparks of joy and anticipation as you barely focus on the task at hand to get through one more day of school. It was a fun time!

My little one isn't very proficient in math. It isn't that she doesn't try, it's that she just doesn't get it. Yet we live in a district where she is expected as a 6th grader to know 7th grade math. Because she passed with average scores, she is expected to take an extra math class next year to get her caught up to other kids in her grade...but those kids are already over-achieving. What she is looking forward to the most about summer is that she doesn't have to be constantly reminded that she isn't as good as her peers.

Why do we do that? Are we teaching our kids to compare themselves to other?. To try to compete and measure up instead of teaching them to do their best and try hard. Has it always been that way in the schools?

I never had trouble in school. I aced college; was on the deans list and carried an 3.7 GPA. In middle school and high school, I didn't have to try to do well and was in most of the advanced classes. And yet, somehow I still didn't measure up either. There was always a grade higher, there was always a better option, there was always...perfection. I even challenged myself to see how many things I could letter in during my high school career. I wanted to sport a covered letter jacket and I did. I lettered in academics, fine arts, track, gymnastics, swimming, diving, dance-line, cheerleading, volleyball, tennis, and softball. Never could pick up golf and I didn't like to compete in long races although I did like to run long distances but that was an escape from home. I could do that on week nights when I wasn't allowed to do anything else. Anyway...

Now as an adult I realize that perfection is not possible and yet I still struggle with not being good enough. If I understand that perfections isn't possible because I am a flawed human being, then why  should I be striving to live a life without mistakes? Why can't I accept that I don't have to look like others? Why do I feel guilty that I hold a PhD and yet do nothing with it? Why do I feel shame in staying home with my kids instead of pursuing a lofty career? I assume public perception is that I failed college, I wasn't smart enough to have a career, that having babies and being home with the kids is the only chance I had at having a normal life. Is that really how it is? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Despite what society says, I still have my issues with being worthy. I am not worthy of love, I am not worthy of justice, I am not worthy of attention, I am not worthy of care. I must earn those things and if I don't earn them, I cannot expect or assume that anyone is going to care about me. Even as I type that I find myself shaking my head in disbelief. It is so ass-backwards. My thinking is so distorted. But is it? I look at my daughter struggling and wonder if it is all me. Perhaps it isn't. Perhaps the unspoken messages that are drifting around the world are that I must be better. That I need to make a bunch of money, that I need to drive fancy cars and wear lots of diamonds. Maybe the messages are that you are not worthy or good enough so you need to spend a lot more time and money on vacations, on stuff, on college and careers. Maybe the messages are that you must be within the government guidelines of height and weight to be healthy, happy.

Maybe those messages are wrong...and if they are. Then what? How does a person look beyond the stresses of the world and see their strengths? How does a person look in the mirror and feel worthy with all the ways they don't measure up? How does a person say to themselves, "I'm a mess" and still feel good about themselves?

The answer is God and yet even His grace is tough to accept at times. Yet if I can accept His grace and offer that same grace to myself...then life is going to always feel like a summer vacation.

I'm okay with that. :)

Fat Lady Sings?

I know I've already written today but a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. H and I both had therapy. With different people at different times. But it was good and what needs to happen.

I went back further than I have before in looking at my history with H. There was a time that he was a safe place. A time where I had accepted the choice my parents made for me and really tried to make it work. A time where he and I saw eye to eye and we got along really well. I don't believe my parents would have set me up with someone they thought was going to be a complete ass. So they must have seen something. That's what I went looking for...what did they see.

What I saw was a man who was once humble. Who had a heart of gold, who was kind and soft-spoken, who was gentle and loving, who was giving and supportive. A man who loved me with every fiber of himself and in a beautiful, Godly way. I also saw that I loved him the same way...then we got married and it all went to hell.

Strange how our perceptions change. I had been asking God to soften my heart. Maybe this is an answer to prayer. I'm hopeful but cautious. In no way does this mean he is off the hook, it just means that I am seeing more than I was and am less blinded by the anger and resentments. I still have that anger and will hold on to it as long as I need to. I use it as strength right now. Something I've never acknowledged that I've done. But as much as I hate anger, it has served its purpose well in my life. I'm afraid of becoming my mother and other abusers in my life but I realize that I have self-control now and I'm a lot less afraid of myself. That's been a blessing because I have given myself the okay to be mad and I find it comforting to be there and know it will continue to keep me on the right track.

On to H. He had therapy today too and for the first time, I was given a genuine, whole-hearted apology. Not one riddled with excuses or blaming but a humble and repentant sorry. It shocked me. I saw shame, I saw guilt, I saw sadness, I saw a broken soul before me. Now whether it stays, we will see but I was impressed. Of course I didn't let him know how impressed I was but I did thank him. The other thing that was unusual about it was that he was without words. Not his way. He's one of those that likes to drive it home 300 different ways before giving it up. He said only he was sorry for everything and he listed everything. Then he said all his actions have repercussions and consequences and he was prepared to accept those.

Wow! Acceptance and humility. Not his strengths. But if God can work in my life and those around us, why can't he work in H's life as well? I have seen my daughters overcome amazing trauma's and life issues. I have seen them fight battles with depression and self-harm. I have seen them deny who they are just to try to fit into the world they once lived in. I have also seen them rise above the pressure, above the ugliness that once consumed them and become better and amazing human beings. If God can work in them like he has, why not H? Truth is, God can. God can do anything. Not just in H's life but in mine and in the life of this family.

I don't know what the future is going to hold. I will NOT go back to the life it once was. There is absolutely no doubt in that. If H and I stay together it will not be because I have given in to the pressure and loneliness. It will be because God has ordained it and has brought both our hearts to a place where there can be the kind of love a husband and wife need to have for each other. Again I surrender it to Him who is the great I Am and just wait and see. For now, I'm treading lightly, keeping my true thoughts to myself but hoping for the best. And as I'm doing that, I'm watching closely to see if the repentant heart that has been revealed to me stays that way or if we go back to the old crap. Maybe this will stick...who knows...but this is still the last chance; the last stand, the last hurrah or whatever other metaphor you want to use. The fat lady sings or this is over.

Leaving my fantasyland

I'm still pondering yesterday's post. I find myself totally wrapped up in all the men around me. G has  a lot of qualities I would adore in a man. So does T and even H. How delusional I am to think that the "perfect" person is out there. But am I really saying that there is a perfect person?

I don't think I am. I think I'm saying that I have preferences. And yet, I'm so messed up in the head right now I can't honestly make a sound judgment call when it comes to relationships. I do get concerned though at myself when I read yesterday's post and see how vulnerable I am. I have to be sure to keep my head out of that place or I'm going to do stupid things. No, I'm not saying with L even though I realize it could have been interpreted as me having a crush on him. It wasn't about him per se, and more about what I would want in a man.

Truthfully I shouldn't be thinking about the qualities I want in a man. I have one. If I'm looking to make my life complicated, that would be a good way to do it. I really don't. My brain cannot handle one more anxiety to process. Trust me, there wouldn't be enough legal drugs out there to manage the kind of episode it would cause. And yet I'm back to an earlier post about hope. Hope in a better future. Hope in a different life. Hope in a chance to do things right and make life the way I feel like is should be. But I can't afford that hope right now. It is that hope that has led me astray.

Even though I'm moving in a direction of independence and the chance of life being different, I cannot be distracted from healing by the hope of a rescue. I need to rescue myself. I need to be okay sharing those intimate things with my therapist and my best friend. I need to be okay as a woman without a man at her side. I need to like myself without the daily affirmation of a husband. I need to focus my energy on me and my girls. Period.

So I will wrestle back the urges to think ahead to life with a man that exists only in my head and focus on the here and now. I am blessed with beautiful and amazing children, a beautiful home, I live in a great town and community, I belong to a church that has incredible people in it, I have friends that love me like I love them. God has even blessed me with sons. :) The life I have right now is exactly where I need to be. So no more fantasy talk for now. Back to reality...and it's a good one.

Empower

 

Today I've been thinking about empowerment because I feel empowered. There are 3 definitions that I found at MerriamWebster.com for empower:

1:  to give official authority or legal power to

2:  enable 

3:  to promote the self-actualization or influence of

 

I'm not exactly keen on the word enable but why not? I have been enabled to be a better person. To say it's okay that I heal. To promote myself and give myself power to be me in the best way I can. Amazing how it has such a profound affect on my life. Being told I'm okay, I'm making good choices, I'm on the right track has given me so much strength. Even though I'm not always sure of my actions, I still know I'm doing good. Does that make sense?

 

I feel in my gut that I'm on the right track. It feels good and I'm becoming more confident. Yet the old way of thinking still sometimes gets in the way and I find myself doubting but that doubt is quickly dissipating. I don't know if that is because I have a lot of hidden pride or if I was just ready for this change. Probably doesn't matter really, I'm doing it and it's going well.

 

I think the ease in this transition is that I have seen how others are. I have a friend who was a victim of incest growing up. Yet she is an amazing woman. I see how strong she is, how she has grown, how she no longer lets that situation in her life control her and it has made me want that. I want to feel good about myself. I want to like myself. I want to be free from the anxieties that plague my days and especially nights. Not just want but dream of it because she has shown me it is possible. What she endured was far worse than anything I've gone through. I have so much admiration for her and if you met her, you would too.

 

I have dreamt of what it would be like to be free from the shame, the false guilt and the expectations I have placed on myself. I have imagined my life not being so easily emotionally blackmailed. I have imagined what it will be like to have the freedom to wear my sparkly shoes to church. I have dreamt about the laughter, the tears, the joy, the peace. I have wanted it so badly that I could taste it. And for a LONG time. I have prayed, I have begged, I have longed. So it's almost as if I have already lived this way because somewhere inside me, I already have.

 

What took me so long to get here? Empowerment. The death of my Mom gave me permission to question my life. It gave me the ability to take back the authority in my own life. It allowed me to free myself and rid myself from the constant oppression that I felt. Even though I wasn't living with her and had moved on in my life, she was still an ominous presence in my life. I never felt good enough. I always felt like I had to doubt myself. I believed that any confidence I had or displayed was pride and bad. Those open wounds dictated my future, my life, my choices. With her death, those wounds can finally be healed and I can finally move on.

 

It kinda makes me sad that it took me to empower myself. I shouldn't have been this way but it was and it is what it is. What I do know is that I love where I'm at and now that I've given myself to be empowered, I am finding support all around me that I didn't see before. I have incredible friends who truly love me like I love them. As my Dad is finding freedom himself, he is empowering me. My children are my biggest fans and I've had a great therapist. I don't think I could see any of that before. I just couldn't believe I was worth it, that I deserved anything other than punishment, or that I could have the strength to handle life on my own terms and in my own way. I dared to hope and with that hope came action and here I am.

 

I smile and rejoice today because I have been empowered and I can't wait for my life to begin because I've already lived it in my heart. I know what it will be and it is GOOD!

 

 

 

 

Broken

Well today was an interesting day. Actually it was quite normal until H got home. He came in the door, dropped to his knees in front of me, starting crying, apologized and clung to my legs as he begged me to forgive him. Normally such a display would melt me and I would start crying and everything would be okay. But I walled up and allowed some of the anger I have to surface so I could stay strong. I wasn't rude or mean but I did say that I forgive him but things aren't going to change and he will have to show me things will be different. He accepted that. Later we went for a drive to figure out the details of this new arrangement and how it was going to work.

What I wonder today is why human beings have to be broken before we can change. Why were we created to be sinners? It almost feels like a set up doesn't it? Here, you can't help but be jerks but I'll give you the capacity to love and forgive and allow you the chance to be forgiven. It's like a formula for drama. And yet, we cannot hold God responsible for the actions of human beings...or can we?

I know I can't because free will is a gift even though we choose to misuse it as humans. I'm glad I have the choice to believe or not to believe. I'm glad I have the choice to decide what I am going to, or not going to do. I'm glad that I understand sadness so I can feel joy. I am glad I can feel anxiety because it makes me appreciate peace. It's all quite a complicated yet beautiful system of action and reaction.

Yet sometimes we think we are broken but we stay the way we were. We get the forgiveness and a second, third, fourth chance and we keep messing up. I would want someone to give me multiple chances and yet I don't think I can do that anymore. I appreciate that H is trying but if this doesn't end the way he wants, then will he resent me for making him change? I'm not making him change but he feels like I am by kicking him out.

It was sad to see him so broken. I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone, even him. And yet I knew I couldn't react, couldn't respond. This battle is his and I need to stand my ground. I'm quite resolved now but even though I'm strong on the outside, I'm torn on the inside. I want to believe this is going to be good and end well...no that's not true. I really don't. I'm so jaded that I don't want this to work. I can't believe it might because if I allow that piece of hope I will be back where I was even a week or two ago...conflicted.

Even though I'm resolved I'm broken too. I hate that this is where we had to end up. I hate that I waited so long to demand respect. I hate that it took a heartbreak for him to see that maybe the way he's treated me isn't good. I hate that it is uncomfortable and awkward for our friends (well the ones that aren't oblivious). I just want to heal. I just want to be whole. I just want to be myself and no longer be ashamed of who I am. I don't think that's too much to ask but with this free will thing, it seems like a lot.

God made me to care. I love. It's what I do. I want everyone I meet or encounter or know to feel special, important and appreciated. The love I have for them is God's love. It isn't mine. I'm a weinie. But His love works through me and it's awesome. I love being used. But I can't call it used. God and I are partners. He's gives me all I need and in return I allow him to love me and put me where and when He needs me to be. It's so simple and yet so gratifying. If for no other reason than I feel like I have a purpose. My purpose is only to serve God and the rest works itself out. It's quite remarkable. Another very cool system God has put in place.

What strikes me most about it is that He can still work with us when we are broken. That's why I can't totally discount what H said tonight. God might be able to work in him. This marriage might be able to be saved or maybe not. Even if H and I don't stay married, H will be a better person as will I. Nothing bad will come of this if I can keep my eyes focused on Christ and continue to be true to my heart and myself. I want to believe that. I have to believe that.

So I guess I'll stay in brokenness and hope that H stays broken too so God can put us both back together the way we are supposed to be whether that is together or apart.

Feeling good

So I did it. Finally told him this isn't working and I not only want a separation but need one. It was so hard. You would think it would be easy because I clearly have animosity towards him but it wasn't. However now that it's done, I am so relieved.

He called on his lunch break and he asked if I had anything to tell him. I said I did. He asked if it was good or bad and I said both. He told me to tell him. I said I didn't think it was a good idea but he pushed and I gave in. I told him it was over. I was done. Which he interpreted as I'm filing for divorce. Rightfully so. We had 5 minutes to talk and that was the shortest way to tell him.

I guess he stewed on it all day and contacted some of our friends and my dad. I knew he was going to need to talk to friends, but my dad? Really? So I get a call from dad with a message saying that he would be coming over tomorrow morning and we needed to talk because he was not happy with me. What a degrading feeling. No wonder I'm so shame based. It takes one message to send me back to my childhood and my head spins. What did I do now? Why is he unhappy? What is he going to say? It was crippling emotionally. And hurt like hell because I thought we were past all that. I thought he was done being dad and more a friend. Guess not.

I called him and he said that H had called him and he is disappointed in me and H and that neither one of us are doing what we are suppose to be doing and that we would discuss it "at length" tomorrow. Ugh. As if I wasn't stressed enough waiting for the big guy to come home wondering what his stance was going to be and if I was going to need to have 91 dialed in my phone and my thumb hovering over the 1. Much to my surprise, he didn't come home at all. He went to see G who wasn't there so he hung out with K.

I hate that there isn't more separation between us and our friends. Those friends love both of us and it's sucky they get put in the middle. Thankfully I know that G and K are able to separate actions from the individual so they won't judge him or me. What a gift that is. Still hard for them though I'm sure. In situations like this it is so tempting to take a side. You almost feel like you have to. But we are all so closely connected, it's difficult. Much like a family. But I guess that could be God's point. If everyone is family, we see them differently. We offer more grace, love and patience. Well maybe not all of us but those of us who cherish family can love our friends as well as we love those we are related to.

Anyway, he did eventually tell me where he was. We had limited time without the kids around so I didn't want to rush him but wanted to talk this out with him. Especially after hearing from my dad. I was SO pissed off. H knows enough of my family history that he shouldn't have gone there and I was just imagining once again, the guilt and shame talk from Pastor P. You know, the one that made me say yes to a proposal I had already refused...many times.

H came home and we went for a drive. I'm SO glad we did. I drove which helped me stay focused and made me less afraid of him. I figured if he starts on me physically I would damage us both by driving into a ditch or something to stop him. Then I could get out and run. Sad that I would think I needed a plan like that but I went there.

I won't bore you with all the details but to give you an idea of how the conversation went, after about a half hour of him laying into me, I said "shut the f#&k up and listen for once". From there I did all the talking which included a few leaking moments, the bold honest truth, and how if there is any chance of us working, he needs to leave. There's still a deadline on the table and I will respect that but I can't work on him and me at the same time. Oh and that I refuse to work on him at all. That's his job. I'm done.

By the time we got home, he looked me in the face and said he heard me, he has some things to fix with G and my dad and that he will start looking for a place to go. Wohoo! We also talked about playing on the team together and we agreed to be band mates while there and leave any husband wife stuff at the door. Not only for the sake of our friends but for us. If he truly wants this to work, then we will need something positive to build on. Playing worship music with friends could be a very good foundation to start a relationship with. Or at the very least if it doesn't work out, then we have common ground to keep us friends.

I also told him I'm not holding back anymore so he will see me and hear me. Then he can make an informed decision about this marriage as well. I'm feeling pretty good about all of this! Yay!