Fat Lady Sings?

I know I've already written today but a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. H and I both had therapy. With different people at different times. But it was good and what needs to happen.

I went back further than I have before in looking at my history with H. There was a time that he was a safe place. A time where I had accepted the choice my parents made for me and really tried to make it work. A time where he and I saw eye to eye and we got along really well. I don't believe my parents would have set me up with someone they thought was going to be a complete ass. So they must have seen something. That's what I went looking for...what did they see.

What I saw was a man who was once humble. Who had a heart of gold, who was kind and soft-spoken, who was gentle and loving, who was giving and supportive. A man who loved me with every fiber of himself and in a beautiful, Godly way. I also saw that I loved him the same way...then we got married and it all went to hell.

Strange how our perceptions change. I had been asking God to soften my heart. Maybe this is an answer to prayer. I'm hopeful but cautious. In no way does this mean he is off the hook, it just means that I am seeing more than I was and am less blinded by the anger and resentments. I still have that anger and will hold on to it as long as I need to. I use it as strength right now. Something I've never acknowledged that I've done. But as much as I hate anger, it has served its purpose well in my life. I'm afraid of becoming my mother and other abusers in my life but I realize that I have self-control now and I'm a lot less afraid of myself. That's been a blessing because I have given myself the okay to be mad and I find it comforting to be there and know it will continue to keep me on the right track.

On to H. He had therapy today too and for the first time, I was given a genuine, whole-hearted apology. Not one riddled with excuses or blaming but a humble and repentant sorry. It shocked me. I saw shame, I saw guilt, I saw sadness, I saw a broken soul before me. Now whether it stays, we will see but I was impressed. Of course I didn't let him know how impressed I was but I did thank him. The other thing that was unusual about it was that he was without words. Not his way. He's one of those that likes to drive it home 300 different ways before giving it up. He said only he was sorry for everything and he listed everything. Then he said all his actions have repercussions and consequences and he was prepared to accept those.

Wow! Acceptance and humility. Not his strengths. But if God can work in my life and those around us, why can't he work in H's life as well? I have seen my daughters overcome amazing trauma's and life issues. I have seen them fight battles with depression and self-harm. I have seen them deny who they are just to try to fit into the world they once lived in. I have also seen them rise above the pressure, above the ugliness that once consumed them and become better and amazing human beings. If God can work in them like he has, why not H? Truth is, God can. God can do anything. Not just in H's life but in mine and in the life of this family.

I don't know what the future is going to hold. I will NOT go back to the life it once was. There is absolutely no doubt in that. If H and I stay together it will not be because I have given in to the pressure and loneliness. It will be because God has ordained it and has brought both our hearts to a place where there can be the kind of love a husband and wife need to have for each other. Again I surrender it to Him who is the great I Am and just wait and see. For now, I'm treading lightly, keeping my true thoughts to myself but hoping for the best. And as I'm doing that, I'm watching closely to see if the repentant heart that has been revealed to me stays that way or if we go back to the old crap. Maybe this will stick...who knows...but this is still the last chance; the last stand, the last hurrah or whatever other metaphor you want to use. The fat lady sings or this is over.

Time to amputate

Funny, I just wrote a blog not more than a few hours ago. Odd how things can change in the blink of an eye. After I blogged, I was looking for a pic to go with it and noticed IE telling me there had been some visits so a key blogger site. I check them out and decide to search the computer. Wow. So glad I did.

I found H had downloaded it. He has been spying on me. I have nothing to hide except the feelings I write in my blog but even then, they don't have to be hidden. I choose for them to remain hidden. He was at work so I called him but he didn't answer so I sent him texts. I confronted him on it and he told me it was because of our daughter. He was worried about her and then he apologized for not telling me. I called him a liar. Then he admitted he lied to me. He has been watching me. He thinks I've been having an affair and he's been trying to catch me. I told him he could keep trying but the only thing I have to hide is my blog and he could see it if he wants. It will only hurt him to read it. Not me.

I was furious. What an ahole. I mean really. Once we finally got to talk about it, he told me it was my fault that he's trying to control me because I don't confront him when he's being a douche. Yup. My fault he can't keep his hands to himself. My fault that I've allowed him to make me his emotional punching bag. My fault he is rapidly losing control of me.

Some of those I imagine are true. I should have said something. I should have not put up with it. I shouldn't have allowed this all to happen. But I did. Now I'm trying to change it and he thinks I'm not trying. Ugh. WTF!

So I tell him to leave, we are over. This is the final straw. I refuse to be subjected to this any longer. He tells me he won't go. I can buy him out of the house but it's all half his. Now that pissed me off even more. Besides a couch and a fridge, everything else has been given to us by my family. Oh wait, he purchased the dishes set. But whatever. I asked him if he's going to kick the kids and I out and he said no, that would be my choice. If I want to go, I'm free to go but he's not. Wow. I reminded him of the gifts and he says they were meant for him too and just because hes been a jerk doesn't mean he deserves to lose it all. Huh. I beg to differ. If he had purchased it, he can have it. But my family stuff is mine.

Yet at the same time. He can have the fucking stuff. I'm so done. So tomorrow I go get a job, start looking for an apartment, collecting boxes and packing. We are gone. The girls want him gone too. They aren't going to be happy about moving anymore than I am but if he wants his stuff, he can have it. I'm not asking for stuff. I want respect. I want care. I want love.

He tells me that I need to give it one more shot. I asked him what that meant and he tells me that should come from a 3rd party. So he's suggesting marriage counseling again. When I asked him why he didn't take it seriously the first time we did it for 18 months he said he didn't know. Then I ask him why this is different and he says because he will listen now. Fuck that. I highly doubt it but ok. Whatever. Then I say, and if it doesn't work then what? He says we walk away friends.

Interesting thought. Because right now I'm sure I cannot be his friend. Selfish SOB can kiss my ass. But what do I have to lose? Nothing I haven't already. All I care about it me and my kids. So whatever. Of course I have to point out as we are talking, he's sitting at the dinner table letting me wait on him like he's a fucking king. And I just can't believe he is so arrogant he cannot hear the bullshit coming out of his mouth or see that he still allows me to service him, he expects it, it's normal and how it should be. That's the problem. He and I don't see eye to eye on what a marriage is.

Part of me wants to go find some guy to fuck and parade it around in front of him. He's already convinced I'm a slut so why not be one and give him what he wants? Then I get what I want too. An out. He wouldn't tolerate that and it would be over but I have this fear of losing friends, family and whomever because it's not how I would normally behave. I suppose I shouldn't care but I do. I will not make it through this without my friends. I cannot jeopardize them. Although I could sleep with someone I don't have feelings for and not care at all how it affects him. I'm just that mad. But what would it do to me?

It would hurt me. I'm better than that. I'm not that type of person. I might be curious and adventurous but I'm not irresponsible. Yet the kids want him gone, I want him gone and he refuses to go. I just don't know how many more chances I have for him. I have none. But can I find one for this to end amicably? I don't know. He's asking for one more. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that over the last decade. Then it's my fault for not standing up to him. I'm in a lose, lose situation and there is nothing I can do about it. It sucks. So why do I hold on to any assemblence of integrity when I can't walk away with any? Even when this goes south, he will tell people he thought I was cheating. It's the second time I've been accused of that. How do I know he hadn't been and that's why he's so sure I am. Whatever. Not worth more of my time.

But this is over. From killing hamsters to policing me like a cross eyed psycho stalker, this man is sick and I want no part of it. There is no bandaid big enough to cover the wound in me now. Too bad. Two weeks ago I actually started to believe it could work. Now it's time to cut this part off and learn how to live alone.