Food for thought

There's a lot going through my head these days. Dad came back and explained himself further which was good and creepy too. I'm hoping it's because he and I think so much alike that he knew he would need to explain it further. Either that or he's reading my blog because this isn't the first time this has happened where he's addressed something I wrote about the day after me posting it. If so, Dad do not tell me you're reading this otherwise I'll end up censoring it and that defeats the purpose of this. Thanks.

So he clarified that my dependence on prescription drugs is making me dull. Not in a bad way but he talked about my personality and intelligence and how I'm not that way anymore. He's concerned about my health and wants to see me happy too. A lot of it is related to H and how I handle him. Although I'm a peacekeeper normally, I also know when things need to be confronted and I'm not doing it with h. Dad also said the bible says a woman can lead her husband to Christ through her love, care and patience.

Well there are two things. Dad is right. I'm addicted to my antidepressant. Mostly because I have had trouble with panic since my mom died and that sucks. However the thought of not having them right now scares me. I can't imagine how much anxiety I would have. It was crippling and that's why I went to the doc in the first place. But that state of mind shows that I am addicted. I feel like I need it. Like I feel like I need cigarettes. Not cool. But something I am willing to try if I'm in a better place with my faith. Right now, I'm wrestling.

Second thing is more complicated. A wife can change her husband with her actions. Huh... I have trouble with this. I think it can be true but I don't know if I personally can do that. Maybe if I got rid of the resentments but it's hard when the behaviors keep happening. Even then, I don't feel the kind of love for him that can move all obstacles. So is it my duty and responsibility to start seeing him as a child that I have to nurture, coach, lead and direct? Is it my job to hold him accountable and make him change? Is it on me to mold him into the man God and I want him to be? I don't know.

Let's say it is and I do it. Now what? Where am I? I'm in the same place of feeling like I was pushed into a marriage with a man I don't love romantically. Our life becomes tolerable and possibly even happy. But can I find the love I need to sustain a marriage for 20+ years?

K and G are celebrating 27 years this Friday. T has been married to L for 22 years. They can't imagine life without their partners and I can't imagine staying much longer than a year more. See the conflict? Is it really that I'm so messed up in the head that I am unable to have that love with anyone? Or have I just not met the right one?

When I see my future, it's without a man at all or if there is a man in the shadows waiting for me, he's by my side but we still don't live together and definitely are not married. Which is a conflict with what I wrote earlier about wanting a man to love like I see around me. I think it's my way of protecting myself emotionally.

I'm not getting any younger. Body parts are sagging, grey is starting to come in, wrinkles appearing slowly. I have stretch marks and have bore 5 kids. I don't have a job, an unable to work right now, am not secure financially and there's no 401k. I'm a risk and with each passing day the risk is greater. What do I have beside my personality to attract the opposite sex?

Ok so it isn't that bad but it could be. Nothing I said isn't true. I guess if it's love it doesn't matter and with h, he doesn't seem to mind. So do I hang in there and teach him how to love like my Dad suggested? Or do I follow a broken heart and hope for the best?

I really don't know. Thankfully it is in God's hands. I just need to get out of the way and let Him work. That's the hard part...

Work

I have a friend who hfor recently separated from her boyfriend if 9 years. Shes hurt but doing fabulously. I find myself jealous of the potential she has for her future. I find myself wanting the same opportunities she has for her future.

I'm working now and loving it. Feels good to be busy, make new friends and feel productive. I forgot how much I love to work. Strange I suppose but I do. I always have and it doesnt matter what I'm doing. I just love to work.

I think its because I feel useful, needed, wanted, helpful and desired. I suppose my parents made me this way. They had high expectations of all of us kids. Unfortunately sometimes they were hard on us. And that made all of us feels like we needed to be perfect. I guess all 4 of us really have dealt with that in our own way.

We all have our own insecurities and fears. One brother became an alcoholic and still struggles to stay sober even though he is almost 40 years old. Another brother is an overachiever and tries to make himself feel better by striving for fame, power, money, prestige and reputation. Then my sister just doesn't come home and avoids the situation completely. It's too bad we can't find more productive ways to deal with our insecurities and frustrations with the way we were raised. But really who truly is able to cope with their upbringing and healthy way?

I don't think anybody. Can we say what normal is? I don't think so. At one point, the world used to I think they knew what normal was. However I think we have learned that we really don't. Thankfully in our humility, we stopped trying to strive for an ideal that doesn't exist. And yet with the freedom that brings, it also puts us in a place of uncertainty. We struggle to find ourselves in this world. We struggle to hold on to a sense of security but not knowing how to find it. Our hearts wrestle with our heads daily and we end our days exhausted by the fight. But we keep fighting.

That's another reason why I like to work. It presents me with an option to feel normal. Being a housewife is hard. There aren't many of us out there and it is a common thing for people to assume I'm not smart enough to do anything else. That bugs me. But I'm not so co-dependent that I lose sleep over it. Thank God for that! Lol!

Anyway, I'm glad to be in the real world even if I don't have all I want. I have what I need. That's good enough right?

Commitment Issues

I have issues with commitment. I suppose that shouldn't come as a surprise being married 3 times and all but I do. It's a strange thing because I love the concept of marriage. I love what it was meant to be. I love what it is suppose to be. I love the idea of having your best friend with you at all times and someone to share the best and worst things of life together. A total trust with someone who knows all of you and loves you regardless.

I still want that. And oddly, it is seeming that H might actually be that man. It's not like I was intentionally testing him because the ultimatum and threats were real. I was done. But as he's accepted responsibility, I'm finding a man what is worth the effort. Even as unsure as I still am about this all working, he is patiently waiting, gently encouraging, and quick to apologize if old hurts he's caused come up. He also isn't pushing for a bigger commitment than I'm willing to give. He just wants to be by my side and wants to earn back the trust he so carelessly threw away. And not just my trust but the trust of our kids. I'm grateful.

Yet I am freaked by the concept of marriage. To me, it feels like a trap, submission, turning over control. That's my first mistake. I've always thought that is what it meant. My role as wife was to submit and let myself be controlled, manipulated and told what to do. I know in my head that's not correct. However convincing my heart is another matter.

Can I convince my heart that I can be in a forever relationship with anyone and still be who I am? Can I convince my heart that I have an opinion worth mentioning? Can I convince my heart that I am valuable, special and worth being treated well? Sometimes I think yes. Other times, when I'm not feeling very strong, I think no. And that conflict is not likely to go away. So I need someone that will help me to not compromise who I am in order to keep the peace. That's what has gotten me in this mess in the first place. H says he can do that, and for the last week or so he has. I hope it sticks. Because honestly, I don't want to do this again and I know I would.

I would like to say I would never get married again that I'd never allow myself to be in a long term relationship with someone again but I know better. Disney movies have lulled me into believing there is a soul mate out there for me. That one special prince.

My heart is still struggling with H. But again, he's not asking for much. And yet if I cannot give him what he wants, this is going to hurt us both so much more by hanging in there any longer. I keep saying, I can make this work. It will be okay and I believe that. But I keep coming back to the question of whether or not I should. Today I'm weak. Today I'm tired. Today I want to just give up this fight and just go with the flow. But why?

Am I wanting to give up because I am tired or is there somewhere in me that see's this is a good thing, he is actually who I was meant to be with and I am discontent because I am afraid of marriage? Well afraid of the concept of marriage that plagues me and stresses me out. I suppose the issues come from seeing how awful my parents marriage was. They hung in there. It was only by God's grace that my Dad was freed from the control at 66 when my Mom died. I don't want that. I don't want to wait that long. But marriage isn't meant to be something you are "freed" from and yet, that's exactly how I feel. Gonna have to explore this one in therapy because I'm not coming up with anything on my own.

In the meantime, I'll just stay where I am and hope that God will continue to do the good work in H that he has started (Phillipians) because at this point, there is a very real possibility that he is THE one and I'M the one that needs to accept it.

Cross Eyed and Confused

I'm not going now. I'm really annoyed and angry about it too. It was suppose to be a time of soul searching, of respite, of recharging but not gonna get it. Figures. I knew that it was a possibility this could all blow up but I had honestly hoped it would work out. I needed it to work out. So what happened?

The girls confronted me about being fearful around him. When I asked more about why, they told me from seeing him abuse me, the dogs, him punching things, slamming doors, etc. The one daughter that was going to be home alone with him this weekend asked me not to go. So I cancelled the reservations and talked to him about their fears.

Of course that was a farce because it was my fault. They don't respect him because I don't. They aren't giving him a chance because I'm not. They are afraid because I am. If I could just change my attitude, forgive and move on, then they could too. Huh...naturally I have to assess if any of that is true. It could be. But they weren't saying that they were afraid because I was. They were saying that witnessing the behaviors that they have, it has caused fear. Enough fear they don't want to be alone with him.

I'm at a complete loss. I'm losing hope that I can maintain this thing. I tried to kick him out again and he still refuses to go. He's insistent that he loves me and this can work. He's made changes that I need to recognize and acknowledge.

What he can't seem to understand is why I can't give him another chance. Why I can't just allow him into my heart. Why I can't seem to let go of the resentments and bitterness. I asked him where my feelings came into play and he said he hears my feelings and cares about my feelings but they are wrong and he's not going anywhere...because he loves me.

Am I insane? Should I be flattered? Should I be grateful? Should I be feeling honored that he's making a valiant effort? Because I don't. I don't like this at all. I am not feeling respected. I am not feeling like my feelings matter. I am not feeling loved or cared for at all. What I'm feeling is exhausted, tired, and worn out. It was everything I could do last night to not climb back into bed with him, give up this fight and just allow it all to continue the way it has.

I don't know how I find the fight to keep going. And so then I wonder if I should at all. What he wants is this whole thing to turn around and I just embrace him back and say good boy. Yet I can't. My children aren't feeling safe, I'm not feeling safe and this isn't going to work. No matter how hard I try to convince him of that, he cannot see it. He tells me I'm bitter and angry and that's not okay. He's right it isn't but how do I get over it with him in my face all the time.

I guess I thought this split up could be an amicable one. I thought I could help him see how wrong the entire situation is. I thought we could walk away friends. I don't think that's going to happen. However I'm not done trying for that. He's willing to go to therapy together now so maybe I can have a therapist help me tell him this is over. I don't know. He tells me it's a sign of how much he loves me by not leaving even though I repeatedly ask him to go. Really? Which one of us is messed up here?

I just don't know...

Time to amputate

Funny, I just wrote a blog not more than a few hours ago. Odd how things can change in the blink of an eye. After I blogged, I was looking for a pic to go with it and noticed IE telling me there had been some visits so a key blogger site. I check them out and decide to search the computer. Wow. So glad I did.

I found H had downloaded it. He has been spying on me. I have nothing to hide except the feelings I write in my blog but even then, they don't have to be hidden. I choose for them to remain hidden. He was at work so I called him but he didn't answer so I sent him texts. I confronted him on it and he told me it was because of our daughter. He was worried about her and then he apologized for not telling me. I called him a liar. Then he admitted he lied to me. He has been watching me. He thinks I've been having an affair and he's been trying to catch me. I told him he could keep trying but the only thing I have to hide is my blog and he could see it if he wants. It will only hurt him to read it. Not me.

I was furious. What an ahole. I mean really. Once we finally got to talk about it, he told me it was my fault that he's trying to control me because I don't confront him when he's being a douche. Yup. My fault he can't keep his hands to himself. My fault that I've allowed him to make me his emotional punching bag. My fault he is rapidly losing control of me.

Some of those I imagine are true. I should have said something. I should have not put up with it. I shouldn't have allowed this all to happen. But I did. Now I'm trying to change it and he thinks I'm not trying. Ugh. WTF!

So I tell him to leave, we are over. This is the final straw. I refuse to be subjected to this any longer. He tells me he won't go. I can buy him out of the house but it's all half his. Now that pissed me off even more. Besides a couch and a fridge, everything else has been given to us by my family. Oh wait, he purchased the dishes set. But whatever. I asked him if he's going to kick the kids and I out and he said no, that would be my choice. If I want to go, I'm free to go but he's not. Wow. I reminded him of the gifts and he says they were meant for him too and just because hes been a jerk doesn't mean he deserves to lose it all. Huh. I beg to differ. If he had purchased it, he can have it. But my family stuff is mine.

Yet at the same time. He can have the fucking stuff. I'm so done. So tomorrow I go get a job, start looking for an apartment, collecting boxes and packing. We are gone. The girls want him gone too. They aren't going to be happy about moving anymore than I am but if he wants his stuff, he can have it. I'm not asking for stuff. I want respect. I want care. I want love.

He tells me that I need to give it one more shot. I asked him what that meant and he tells me that should come from a 3rd party. So he's suggesting marriage counseling again. When I asked him why he didn't take it seriously the first time we did it for 18 months he said he didn't know. Then I ask him why this is different and he says because he will listen now. Fuck that. I highly doubt it but ok. Whatever. Then I say, and if it doesn't work then what? He says we walk away friends.

Interesting thought. Because right now I'm sure I cannot be his friend. Selfish SOB can kiss my ass. But what do I have to lose? Nothing I haven't already. All I care about it me and my kids. So whatever. Of course I have to point out as we are talking, he's sitting at the dinner table letting me wait on him like he's a fucking king. And I just can't believe he is so arrogant he cannot hear the bullshit coming out of his mouth or see that he still allows me to service him, he expects it, it's normal and how it should be. That's the problem. He and I don't see eye to eye on what a marriage is.

Part of me wants to go find some guy to fuck and parade it around in front of him. He's already convinced I'm a slut so why not be one and give him what he wants? Then I get what I want too. An out. He wouldn't tolerate that and it would be over but I have this fear of losing friends, family and whomever because it's not how I would normally behave. I suppose I shouldn't care but I do. I will not make it through this without my friends. I cannot jeopardize them. Although I could sleep with someone I don't have feelings for and not care at all how it affects him. I'm just that mad. But what would it do to me?

It would hurt me. I'm better than that. I'm not that type of person. I might be curious and adventurous but I'm not irresponsible. Yet the kids want him gone, I want him gone and he refuses to go. I just don't know how many more chances I have for him. I have none. But can I find one for this to end amicably? I don't know. He's asking for one more. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that over the last decade. Then it's my fault for not standing up to him. I'm in a lose, lose situation and there is nothing I can do about it. It sucks. So why do I hold on to any assemblence of integrity when I can't walk away with any? Even when this goes south, he will tell people he thought I was cheating. It's the second time I've been accused of that. How do I know he hadn't been and that's why he's so sure I am. Whatever. Not worth more of my time.

But this is over. From killing hamsters to policing me like a cross eyed psycho stalker, this man is sick and I want no part of it. There is no bandaid big enough to cover the wound in me now. Too bad. Two weeks ago I actually started to believe it could work. Now it's time to cut this part off and learn how to live alone.