Work

I have a friend who hfor recently separated from her boyfriend if 9 years. Shes hurt but doing fabulously. I find myself jealous of the potential she has for her future. I find myself wanting the same opportunities she has for her future.

I'm working now and loving it. Feels good to be busy, make new friends and feel productive. I forgot how much I love to work. Strange I suppose but I do. I always have and it doesnt matter what I'm doing. I just love to work.

I think its because I feel useful, needed, wanted, helpful and desired. I suppose my parents made me this way. They had high expectations of all of us kids. Unfortunately sometimes they were hard on us. And that made all of us feels like we needed to be perfect. I guess all 4 of us really have dealt with that in our own way.

We all have our own insecurities and fears. One brother became an alcoholic and still struggles to stay sober even though he is almost 40 years old. Another brother is an overachiever and tries to make himself feel better by striving for fame, power, money, prestige and reputation. Then my sister just doesn't come home and avoids the situation completely. It's too bad we can't find more productive ways to deal with our insecurities and frustrations with the way we were raised. But really who truly is able to cope with their upbringing and healthy way?

I don't think anybody. Can we say what normal is? I don't think so. At one point, the world used to I think they knew what normal was. However I think we have learned that we really don't. Thankfully in our humility, we stopped trying to strive for an ideal that doesn't exist. And yet with the freedom that brings, it also puts us in a place of uncertainty. We struggle to find ourselves in this world. We struggle to hold on to a sense of security but not knowing how to find it. Our hearts wrestle with our heads daily and we end our days exhausted by the fight. But we keep fighting.

That's another reason why I like to work. It presents me with an option to feel normal. Being a housewife is hard. There aren't many of us out there and it is a common thing for people to assume I'm not smart enough to do anything else. That bugs me. But I'm not so co-dependent that I lose sleep over it. Thank God for that! Lol!

Anyway, I'm glad to be in the real world even if I don't have all I want. I have what I need. That's good enough right?

Watch and See

I have spent the last couple days away from home with H. He asked and I felt like I needed to say yes. Partially to separate him and the kids and the other part because I'm his wife. I owe him.

What I was expecting was him to be apologetic. For him to grovel and apologize. To try to buy me and woo me. I expected him to pressure me into physical intimacy, to pretend there was nothing wrong between us, to try to put a bandaid on what has happened.

What I got was far different. I have been with a man who is humble, kind, gentle. A man who is learning to be secure with himself. A man who is no longer making excuses for his actions but acceptant of their hurtfulness and a man who wants to change.

He listens to me, he has seen how he has hurt me. He sees how he has emotionally abandon and crippled our children. He sees how much power he has as a man in our lives and he sees how blessed he is that we are all still here.

Most importantly he sees who I am and has not tried to change it at all. Quite the opposite. He'll make comments like I'm so cute and I'll remind him he never used to think that. I used to piss him off. And his response is I know and I'm sorry. I can't believe I never saw you before.

Tonight we were at a restaurant and there was a couple with their little girl. The dad was clearly blocking the daughter from her mom as well as ignoring the girl. He only acknowledged her to tell her to stop interrupting, sit down and be quiet, or to give her looks that would have made me cry. H saw it and expressed his desire to want to tell the dad to pay attention, they are only little once. Then I pointed out that was how H has been with our kids.

Seeing it from the other side seemed to shock him. He was speechless and his eyes welled up with tears. He apologized. I told him it wasn't me he needs to make it up to. Now he can see how he has behaved and how the child responds to such negativity. That's why our girls don't want him around. That's why our girls are hurt. That's why they are done. That kind of treatment is horrible for anyone, especially a child. And he agreed.

Agreed. Seriously. Agreed. No excuses. No buts, no it's your fault because they are mimicking your attitude. Just you're right.

I don't know who this man I've been with is. I've seen bits and pieces over the years but not this man consistently. If this is truly who God has made him to be, there is a chance in this marriage. But I didn't tell him that, nor will I. Not yet anyway. I'm okay with him walking the fence and wondering at any moment when this is going to be over.

I don't want him to fear it being over but I also want to be honest. And today, honest is that I'm not convinced but I'm seeing and hearing things that I am taking notice of. He's has piqued my interest but not captured my heart. Oddly enough, his goal seems not to do that anymore. His goal is to just be a better man.

How that affects our marriage, I don't know. I'm not taking divorce lightly and would prefer not to have to but I am not going to sacrifice myself any longer. If God puts us back together, fine. If not, that's fine too. For now I'm just gonna watch and see. So far so good...