Watch and See

I have spent the last couple days away from home with H. He asked and I felt like I needed to say yes. Partially to separate him and the kids and the other part because I'm his wife. I owe him.

What I was expecting was him to be apologetic. For him to grovel and apologize. To try to buy me and woo me. I expected him to pressure me into physical intimacy, to pretend there was nothing wrong between us, to try to put a bandaid on what has happened.

What I got was far different. I have been with a man who is humble, kind, gentle. A man who is learning to be secure with himself. A man who is no longer making excuses for his actions but acceptant of their hurtfulness and a man who wants to change.

He listens to me, he has seen how he has hurt me. He sees how he has emotionally abandon and crippled our children. He sees how much power he has as a man in our lives and he sees how blessed he is that we are all still here.

Most importantly he sees who I am and has not tried to change it at all. Quite the opposite. He'll make comments like I'm so cute and I'll remind him he never used to think that. I used to piss him off. And his response is I know and I'm sorry. I can't believe I never saw you before.

Tonight we were at a restaurant and there was a couple with their little girl. The dad was clearly blocking the daughter from her mom as well as ignoring the girl. He only acknowledged her to tell her to stop interrupting, sit down and be quiet, or to give her looks that would have made me cry. H saw it and expressed his desire to want to tell the dad to pay attention, they are only little once. Then I pointed out that was how H has been with our kids.

Seeing it from the other side seemed to shock him. He was speechless and his eyes welled up with tears. He apologized. I told him it wasn't me he needs to make it up to. Now he can see how he has behaved and how the child responds to such negativity. That's why our girls don't want him around. That's why our girls are hurt. That's why they are done. That kind of treatment is horrible for anyone, especially a child. And he agreed.

Agreed. Seriously. Agreed. No excuses. No buts, no it's your fault because they are mimicking your attitude. Just you're right.

I don't know who this man I've been with is. I've seen bits and pieces over the years but not this man consistently. If this is truly who God has made him to be, there is a chance in this marriage. But I didn't tell him that, nor will I. Not yet anyway. I'm okay with him walking the fence and wondering at any moment when this is going to be over.

I don't want him to fear it being over but I also want to be honest. And today, honest is that I'm not convinced but I'm seeing and hearing things that I am taking notice of. He's has piqued my interest but not captured my heart. Oddly enough, his goal seems not to do that anymore. His goal is to just be a better man.

How that affects our marriage, I don't know. I'm not taking divorce lightly and would prefer not to have to but I am not going to sacrifice myself any longer. If God puts us back together, fine. If not, that's fine too. For now I'm just gonna watch and see. So far so good...