I have this small cut on my finger. I don't know where it came from or how it got there. But I noticed it when I felt a little bit of stinging. It was actually deep enough to bleed a little and split open. Again, it's origins are a mystery.
I imagine that is how friends and family are feeling right now. This random sore pops up, they don't know where it came from but still have to deal with the stinging. I feel bad for that. I wish I could shield everyone in my life from the pain of what's happening with me right now. But I can't.
I want to be able to say all is well. To keep lying about my marriage and what happens behind closed doors but I can't. Eventually you have to look down and see the festering wound and take care of it. If you ignore it, it will become infected.
I'm trying to take care of this wound in my heart. It is definitely infected yet I'm totally at peace. Could it be because my shit-o-meter is pegged? Is it because I am so arrogant that I think I know what is best for me? Or perhaps I'm in a delusional state of reality and I'm clueless to what is actually happening.
I suppose it could be all 3. But does it really matter? I'm angry yes. H has been a dink. However the longer time passes the easier it gets for me. I doubt less often, I see the path ahead and am not afraid, I'm eager for the change, I'm ready to focus on me. Selfish I know, but I need to be a little bit. I'm worthless to my kids if I don't take care of me first. Only took me 40 years to figure that out. Lol!
So here I am with this wound on my finger, recognizing it's time to clean it out, sterilize it and wrap it up...much like my heart.
