Do you ever wonder how things would be different if you were in love? I often think about what would be different. Would the sun seem brighter? Would the birds sing sweeter? Would I be excited to get out of bed or get home from the day? Is making love different than having sex? What would change? What wouldn't? Is it all just some kind of hype that Hollywood made up to sell movies or is it really as great as in my head?
I've had a lot of people fall in love with me. Not to sound arrogant. It's not meant that way at all. Thinking about that makes me wonder what it is about who I am that makes me seem so appealing to people and concerning to their spouses. I suppose some of those thoughts are because I have been trying to wrap my head around a friends wife accusing him and me of having an affair. But she's not the first wife that's happened with. However husbands have been jealous of friendships that I've had with their wives as well. What do I do, right or wrong, that makes me so threatening? And why do people assume that it's sexual instead of loving?
I know how I try to live and how I want to be. I start my day asking God to use me in whatever way he sees fit. I am so blessed to be able to go wherever and whenever I want. My husband makes that possible and I'm grateful. Then I follow my heart through the day. I text, call, email those that are on my heart. I visit the elderly, hang with my dad, or just stay home and pray as I'm putzing on the house. I sincerely ask how the cashier at the gas station is and remember the next time I come in to ask how that particular situation is going because it matters to me...and to them. All I want to do is be sure people know they are loved. Love wins. Period.
I try to be guarded yet transparent. Only those who really look see me. The rest see the outside. I wonder what those that really see me think. I wonder if they know how fickle my heart is. If they can see the secrets that I hide deep within. I wonder if they know how perverse my thoughts can be or how sacrificial my heart is. I wonder if they see the passion, the fear, the confusion. It scares me and yet there is a longing to be known on that level. God knows me there and loves me. Does anyone else and would they love me if they did?
I used to think there's no way a human can love like God. A human can be that accepting, loving, gentle, compassionate, sensitive, kind, genuine, sincere and forgiving as God. Yet if the love of Christ is in our hearts and we've been born again, then why not?
I've played it safe my whole life but time after time in the bible we are told of the most influential Christians and how they didn't play it safe. In fact, Jonah was swallowed by the whale because he tried to play it safe. Lol! Now that's my kind of God who knows how to wake you up. I wonder if my wake up calls could be so intense. It would certainly take the guess work out of serving. Then I'd know for sure if I'm doing the right things.
Since that's not the way God chooses to deal with me, I guess I will keep wondering about love. My husband says he's in love with me. However choking, pushing, threatening, shaming etc is not love. He wants to change. I've heard it before and I don't trust it. Being an abused child and 2 other abusive marriages, I just don't feel like I have the capacity to forgive much less trust him. How can we have a marriage if I don't trust? Why live a life harboring resentment? But that's my choice. Leave and heal, stop with relationships and definitely no more marriages or face my fear, choose to forgive, and hope for the best. Both are risks and I'm conflicted. Is my heart prepared for the let down the next time he hurts me? Am I willing to lose the second half of my life trying to fix something that shouldn't have happened in the first place?
He tells me he is scared to lose me... Only after I tell him I've had enough. He tells me he's sorry... Only after our friends see the bruises and hear the lame cover story. Don't get me wrong, 90% of the time he's a really great guy but my kids are afraid to be alone with him. They hide when he's in a bad mood. Not that he's ever laid a hand on them but he hadn't exactly been kind either. His words are sharp and his attitude even more hurtful. They tell me they feel like they are in the way and that they think he resents their existence because he's so jealous of my time. Good or bad, I put my kids first.
But I digress. What I'm really wondering about is love. Is the kind of love I hope for in my heart real from anyone besides God? If it is then why am I wasting my time? And on the other hand, if I truly have Christs love, then shouldn't I continue where I am and forgive 70 x 7 like the bible says and just hope and pray someday I will fall in love with my husband and be loved the way I feel like I should be? Like I deserve to be?
A friend is in a similar position. He's been with his wife since they got pregnant with their oldest. Over 20 years now. He's miserable and she's perfectly content making him that way. He believes and hopes in the same love that I do. He also questions like I do. And yet, neither one of us can come up with a solution. We know our options but can't bring ourselves to go there. Our kids are old enough to understand, cope and practically out of the house. Because of that, they are also able to see what we sacrifice to remain a nuclear family. What kind of example is that? Are we showing our kids how to love unconditionally or are we showing them how to be gluttons for punishment, accepting blame and resposibility for the actions of our spouses who are sometimes quite unhealthy? Which brings me back to the original question. Does the human heart have the capacity to love like Christ did and does?
I choose to believe it does. Whether or not my spouse has that capacity, I don't know. But if a human heart can love like Christ, then what's next for me?
