Amoeba Woman

I'm going away this weekend. I'm looking forward to the time alone. Its something I used to do every 3 months or so just to keep my head on straight and manage my feelings. I've never lived in a situation where I have the luxury of being okay with being vulnerable around my family. That's sad to me because it should be that way. I think of home as a sanctuary but it's not.

I am so jealous of those that get their home to be their away places. Maybe I'm delusional but I feel like I should be able to cry in front of my spouse. I should be able to break down and he will take care of the kids, house, pets, whatever it is while I'm having my "moment". I should expect to be able to cry on his shoulder and not have to fear the repercussions or have it turned around into all about him. I cannot tell you how desperately I want that. I'm actually a little pouty about it. What the hell...why hasn't it been that way?

I know why it hasn't been that way. Its because I haven't been honest with anyone around me especially not men I'm in a relationship with. Not that I don't want to be but the past has had such a hold on me, that I have been an amoeba. I change color and shape with the needs of my partner. All to make sure they stay happy. Meanwhile I'm not being true to myself. That's the kind of stuff I told H last night.

He came home from work pissed off about it too. He has every right. What he thought was genuine feelings between us was me trying to make everyone around me happy. He felt it. I didn't. He really didn't understand that before. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. I made him listen. He needs to hear me. I suppose I shouldn't care so much but I do.

I care because I want him to be okay after the divorce. Stupid right? But this is all my fault. Yes he had his issues however I have never been honest with him like I have been lately. That's because I'm figuring out who I am and liking what I am finding. Mostly anyway... But I want him to walk away knowing it wasn't him. He has issues like any of us but the core issue that makes this not work it on me. I wasn't me.

Of course then he tells me he loves me anyway, forgives me and asks if he would be so horrible to live with. I just ignore the question and change the subject. The truth is no, he wouldn't be if the changes he's made recently are real. However, as I keep telling him, what I don't know is if I'm going to be able to let go all of the crap that has happened. His actions on top of my history and left very deep wounds that will scar when they heal. I will be wounded and I don't think I can ever allow myself to be in that place of vulnerability again. At least not with him. Truthfully in therapy, I just want to be able to go there with someone sometime and as me. Not the person my parents tried to force me to be, not the person I constantly changed to be to make those around me happy, but me.

I have a friend who is insistent that he is not worth knowing. It makes me sad that he would feel that way and yet I can relate. I often wonder why people would bother with me. I'm a mess. I don't mean that in a feel sorry for me way but more in my head way. I don't see myself yet the way others see me. I know I will someday but at least that's what I'm looking for. S doesn't believe there is anything for anyone to see. I will keep praying for him.

Anyway, back to the point. The days of me being wishy-washy with who I am and what I believe in are gone. Now as I find myself, I'm going to hold on to it and if people don't like it, too bad. I like me. God doesn't make junk, and that includes me. :) It's a good day...

Mr. Rogers Neighborhood

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Wouldn't it be nice to live in a place where Mr. Rogers lives? A place where cats give sound advice, doctors live in tree houses and a little train talks to you? Sounds like a cool place to be. But here is cool too. Especially when the weather is as beautiful as it is.

I love the sun. I love water too. And fire... Guess I love it all. But the sun seems to help when you're crying on the inside. It makes you realize there is a new day, a more positive future, a happiness in store for you. Even if we don't know what it is, the sun reminds us to smile.

I love to smile, to laugh. I'm doing so much more now. The girls and I have so much fun together. I know H feels like crap because we don't include him but he refuses to leave so he gets what he gets. Not to be a bitch or anything but he's torturing himself. We have fun and that's ok. We don't rub his nose in it but we don't hide anymore either.

I told him today how they have been feeling. How they have seen the way he has treated their Mom, how they want him gone too, how they are hoping this marriage is over, how he has been a jerk to them too and it isn't just me that he's going to have to make amends with. I think that took him by surprise.

He honestly didn't realize how much they had seen and experienced. When the girls and I got back from a fun afternoon, he was sitting in a chair on the deck with a forlorn look on his face. I asked him what was up. He said this whole thing could have been different if he had just listened sooner. He may not have lost everything if he had not been so arrogant. That was good to hear.

He's right. It could have been different if he had earned my heart. But he didn't. He took it. He got a ring on me and took me for a ride. My friend asked me to think back to the beginning. Did I love him? Was I eager to spend every moment with him? Did I want to jump his bones every chance I got because I thought he was the sexiest thing on two legs? Was my heart empty without him near? I wish I could say yes but I can't. I was resistant from the beginning. I didn't even want to date much less get married again.

After my last divorce, I wanted to heal. Much like now. I wanted to be alone. I looked forward to the challenge of it and the time with my girls while they were still in the house. I wanted a clean start. And I was broken. Oh so broken. I tear up thinking about how broken and vulnerable I actually was. I wish I would have trusted myself. I wish I would not have let my parents guilt and shame me. I wish I would have taken the time I needed. But I didn't. I went along with the flow assuming my parents knew what was best for me. Wow, was I wrong. But so were they.

No one wins in a divorce. It hurts everyone. The exes, the kids, the families, the friends. Absolutely everyone is affected. Amazing the ripple effect of this kind of life changing event. But some of those ripples can be good if allowed. He can have a better future. I can have a better future. The married friends in our life can see this as a chance to remind their spouses how good they are and thank God for the relationship they have. The kids get their Mom as she was intended to be thus having more peace and security. It can be good. I hope it is.

I hope that his recent realizations help him to see he needs to leave. I really don't want to get the police involved. I hope his understanding and apparent acceptance that this is over, will motivate him to walk away with dignity instead of fighting for something that isn't mutually there. I hope we can do this as friends and not get stuck in a legal battle over stuff and possessions. In Mr. Rogers Neighborhood we could. But that's not where we are...are we?

Mama Bear

Not even sure where to start. Had therapy today. It was good as always. I told him about my dad's comments this week, about how the girls have been feeling about H. He complimented me on the work I have been doing, trying to apply what I'm discovering and making positive changes. However that made me feel very, very uncomfortable. After exploring it a little bit, I recognized it as shame and fear of vulnerability. Both of which I have learned from a young age.

 

I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be recognized for the good things. I can more easily accept a criticism over a compliment any day of the week. I have a hard time believing that I would or could possibly have done or been something worth acknowledging, much less complimenting. It's all a part of not trusting myself. I know my compass is messed up right now and it's difficult for me to know what's ok. I got to ask questions about scenarios and things which was really good to hear the take of someone who is on the outside. One of the best parts of our session was that I can trust mama bear. I know how to love, be supportive, nurture, edify and encourage. I know how to protect. I don't know how to do it for myself and I have not been doing it for my kids with H.

 

They are my kids. He is good with them usually but since he's been trying to be patient with me and accept me, he's been critical of them and impatient. Even tonight at the dinner table, the little one whispered something to her sister that H didn't hear and wasn't meant to, and he snapped at her. What was the problem? I wouldn't normally confront it and be passive about it but I need to stop doing that and start asserting boundaries. I also need to stop reacting to his feelings and taking responsibility for them. How he reacts is his. Not mine and certainly not the kids. So mama bear needs to guide me for a while.

 

When I get that urge to protect them, I will. I also will learn to protect myself because helping them is helping me. It will give me a foundation of growth I can build on and start living a life without being so easily controlled and manipulated because I have a big heart. It also will give me the ability to recognize it sooner, set those boundaries from the beginning and start living a life that I know is healthy for the girls and myself.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes. I love the movement. I love seeing how the girls are opening up, there is more joy, they aren't afraid to be themselves as much because mama bear is back. I know exactly when she left and I should have let things fall as they were going to back then. But I didn't, I put mama away and became the good little girl I was told to be. No more world! Mama bear is back!

Fine line

I have been kicking around what I need vs what I want. What I need is far less than what I want. If what I need is all that matters, then I'm fine. I can survive on less even. However if what I want matters, then I need to make a change.

 

Proverbs 28 warns against a person trying to follow money and that we should be content with what we have and not being content robs us of life. Is it my discontent that drives my want? Should I be content and continue to die a little inside? Is what is dying inside actually a hope that needs to go away? Is it a selfish part manipulated by society's perception of love and marriage? Tough call. I don't know.

 

What I do know is there is a small voice deep inside of me that quietly whispers "you deserve more". Is that evil? Is it God? Is it me? I don't know but that still, small voice gets louder and louder everyday. Maybe it's because I turned 40 and I'm having a mid-life crisis. And yet, just a short while ago my daughter asked me how much more I'm going to put up with. It was unsolicited, she's 19 and she sees. The last kid to say something to me was the 18 year old. I guess it's obvious to the kids how mismatched he and I are. I wonder why it isn't obvious to everyone else.

 

Does it really matter though? What others think? It shouldn't but I definitely have issues with co-dependence. Clearly or I wouldn't even be wondering about the things I do. It's the co-dependence that continues to hold me back. My dependence on my friends, my dependence on my family, my dependence on my kids. I just want everyone around me to be happy. I know that is unrealistic but it's true. I used to be good at sacrificing so everyone else could have. I say used to because now I question it.

 

I question the necessity of keeping a happy face on when I'm not happy. I question why I keep attending and leading worship at a church I don't believe in. I question if it's my responsibility to take on the kind of responsibility I do. Is it really necessary for me to be the one to give all the time? Is it really necessary for everyone around me to be catered to? Do I really need to give up the rest of my life to a man I don't love? Do I really need to worry about what my friends think? If they are friends they will agree to disagree. Do I need to be concerned with how my husband is going to get along without me? Should I care that I have needs and wants and even bother making a change? It's a fine line and I have no ideas but to keep walking the line for as long as I can. I'll decide what I want or need later...

 

Swimming upstream

I told some friends Friday night what was going on in my head. Kinda wish I wouldn't have. I'm so prone to accepting false guilt and shame that it was less than helpful. I suppose some of it is because they are church friends. I don't recall the bible saying you shouldn't get divorced. I know I should take my vows seriously and I do. But it's hard to accept that knowing the reasoning behind the marriage and knowing it wasn't because of love. But church friends think I need to get in touch with reality. That my husband wants to change, can change and it's worth the fight. I don't think they understand it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

 

If it was meant to be then heck ya I'd hang in there. I would be fighting for the man I love and the life we have together. But I don't believe he can change and I don't believe that it's my responsibility to make him a better person. I can't even say he's a bad person. He's not. He always means well even though it will come out sideways at times. But he's a good man overall. So why should he change his ways for me? I just don't get that. My friends say I should hold him accountable and make him change. Why? Then he's just as unhappy as I am because he isn't being true to himself. That's not fair to either one of us.

 

Apparently I have a delusional mindset that a marriage should be built on a foundation of common ground, trust and love. Commitment is easy because you just can't imagine your life without that person. You don't have to struggle to find things to do together because you have similar interests. You can also be in the same room but completely separate from each other and it's good. You don't have to be connected at the hip either. Life is complimented by that person in your life, not hindered or restrained. It seems so simple to me and clear. Why can't anyone I know seem to understand? The one person I think would, I'm not allowed to talk to anymore. His wife is a bully too. We have the same upbringing and respond to life situations nearly identical. He's like my brother. Love him so much. But maybe not talking to him is good. Maybe he and I are both trying to swim up a stream that has a powerful current. Eventually I'm going to get tired and worn out. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. But I hope I get some fight in this.

 

Not because I want to be defiant or to hurt anyone but because I know I can't do this much longer. But now I feel like I have to because friends have told me they disagree with it, that I'm moving too fast, that I shouldn't be making major life decisions in the midst of grief. On the other hand, my therapist says it sounds like I am thinking clearly, I can't expect my husband to change, that grief is not like being in recovery for addictions where professionals encourage newly sober or clean people to wait a year to relearn life without the substance. Naturally those are the things I want to hear. They work better with my agenda. Even so, I cannot turn my back on what trusted friends have shared with me.

 

Sad thing is, I don't believe they would tell my bro-guy friend mentioned earlier the same that they told me. They would support him and be amazing. I think part of why they aren't that way with me is because they need my husband. We play in a band together and he's the lead singer. The band would not be the same without him. So I question the motives. I'm not convinced it's for my best interest. I think it's for the interest of the church we play at and their desire to keep things as they are. I get that and don't blame them. We are very good. However I'd like to think we could be able to still play in a band together. But I've always been one that could be around ex's and it's been fine. Awkward initially but back to friends in no time. There's no reason to be angry when it just doesn't work out. You tried, it didn't work. No blame, it just is what it is. But I guess I don't have a grasp on reality (sarcasm).

 

So here I am. Once again going against what everyone around me tells me I should do. My track record is such that the best decisions I've made have also been the ones where I've followed my heart and not took the advice of those around me. Perhaps I choose bad friends. Could be because I like broken people, but I don't think that's it at all. Broken doesn't equal bad. I think I have to trust myself enough to move forward. Even if I do, now I will wait so I can show my friends I tried. Sucks really because if they were there 6 years ago when we were in marriage counseling or when he left us for 6 months and things like that, they may have different opinions. I just don't feel like arguing the point nor dragging my husband through any more mud than I have to. He's not proud of his actions and I know what it feels like to be ashamed and guilty. It's not a good place to be and he doesn't need that anymore than anyone of us. Regardless. But that's how I roll. I wouldn't wish this curse on anyone, not even an enemy. Bizarre... You would think I'd be more angry. Maybe I should be. I really don't know.

 

But for now, I'll just keep swimming. Rest when I can, start planning for a future alone and securing myself financially and emotionally. It's about all I can do.

 

Some Kind of Life

Just got back from therapy. I love my therapist. He's amazing. It's about time I found one that's "real". Not that others aren't real but I'm a no-nonsense kind of person. I just want to jump right in and he's been good with that. I SO appreciate that. Not to mention that I have some education in Psychology so to talk to someone that has experience and is intelligent is huge for me.

Anyway, as I've been kicking around the possibilities of divorce I've really struggled. I know what makes me happy and yet I continue to sacrifice and give up who I am to keep the peace. I am so F-ing tired of keeping the peace. Not that I want to pick up a gun and go to the post office but I want a voice. I want to matter. I want my heart to be known and my choices to reflect who I am. Not who I am with. I know that I am smart, pretty, funny, charismatic, kind, loving, nurturing, giving, gifted, intelligent and good. Yet, none of those things seem to matter when I am making decisions that involve other people in my life. I figure I have sacrificed myself this long, why complicate my life with changing that now.

However I feel as it that change would be simplifying my life. I am a simple person. I want very little and can handle life with less. I've instilled that in my kids as well and they are totally fine when the power goes out and we have to live without electronics and appliances. Last summer, our power was out for 3 days. Outside of my husband pissing and moaning constantly, it was the best days of that season. My girls and I would play Uno and other games outside on the deck until the sun went down. We had bonfires and the laughter...oh my goodness!!! Let me tell you, my kids are so funny together. One is witty and a smart-ass, the other a drama queen and the other is what I like to call a "bomber". She's quiet most the time but when she throws out something in the mix, you are on the floor laughing. Another one is random and takes the conversation to new and strange places. It is a fabulous time! Anyway we know that all we really need is each other which is a huge deal as I am processing how divorced life might go.

I don't work right now so I'd have to find an entry level job somewhere with flexible hours that will allow me to work when the kids are at school. That's ideal. Yet the oldest at home is 18 and the youngest is 12 so I could honestly work anytime. They can handle cooking and homework and errands and such. The 15 year old has her permit and can also help with driving if need be. The 19 year old only lives about 5 miles away and she and her boyfriend could easily help if I end up needing to work in the afternoons and evenings. I've also considered overnights somewhere as I can sleep during the day, be home for dinner and then go to work while they are sleeping. Some days that sounds like the best option but that's not really an option if I hope to have some kind of life when I'm not working...some kind of life...wonder what that means.

I love the idea of casual dating. Cringe at the idea of marriage. Not that I'm a slut and want to sleep around or anything. Just love people and tend to get along better with men. That's because my Mom and I didn't really see eye-to-eye (yes I'm minimizing the relationship dynamics). But I like meeting new people. Problem arises back in the first blog where everyone falls in love with me; man or woman. Hmm...I could even explore bi-sexuality if I wanted. Lol, I don't really want to but I could. That's kinda cool. Anyway, I would want to casually date. Have friends to hang out with. I wonder if the friends we have now would need to pick sides. I would hope not. But they might. I don't really want to lose the friends I have because I don't have many. I know a lot of people but not many are my friends. It's just safer that way. I can't fail to measure up to expectations if I don't have a lot of friends.

This life on my own would be lonely. I would miss having an adult in the house with me. But that can be solved with a roommate if I needed the extra money. I like the idea of sleeping in my bed all by myself!!! Wohoo! No more blaming for his bad nights sleep. I don't have to sleep with one eye open to make sure I don't hog the bed or take the covers or whatever insane complaint he has. I'd have to have a firmer hand with the dogs or they will run me over. But that's okay. If I can handle taking 21 high school boys and girls on a road trip for 10 days then the dogs are nothing to worry about.

Sex. Hmm...Not real sure about this one. I don't masturbate. Makes me feel guilty (yes more upbringing crap). And I would need a release here and there. Guess I'd need to get on birth control and find me a FWB. Lol! I really don't want a committed relationship. That might mean I give up sex. That wouldn't be my first choice but one I'm willing to make. That's going to have to be another wondering topic...people that would willingly give up sex...but I digress.

Okay, so I covered finances, dating, sex. How would I feel? Ugh. I hate this question. I have a friend who will ask me "Are you okay?". I cannot tell you how agitated I get with that question. He means it well but I feel like it is a personal attack. As if somehow I'm not okay. Did I give him the idea I wasn't okay? Am I being so transparent that you can see that I'm really not? Because I'm not okay. I grieve the idea of failing at another marriage. Even though it was an arranged marriage of sorts, it still feels like a failure and a disappointment. I feel like I would be creating trust issues for my kids and men. I feel like I'd be handing myself a life-sentence of solitary. And even though I'm an introvert, the idea of being alone my whole life does not make me happy. I feel guilty for stringing him along for 7 years when I knew from the beginning I shouldn't have been married in the first place. I get angry that I have wasted more of my life doing what someone else told me to. I resent being in this position where I look like the bad guy because I'm the only one who has a problem with this.

And yet, my 18 year old has come up to me and said, "Mom, I know you're not happy. Don't stop fighting for what you know is right". Wow, out of the mouths of babes. If I knew that my kids would be okay, I'd file for divorce today. But I don't really want to talk to them about it because I don't know if it's going to happen. I might just make another decision to continue to focus on what I have to do instead of what I want to do. Then I create fear in them that I didn't need to. However he's not any of their biological dads so it isn't like we would need to do custody and stuff. I'm sure I'd have to get used to seeing him here and there because they do love him and I believe they would still want to spend time with him on occasion. Then again, they may not. The extent of his damage may go further than I realize. I hope not but the likelihood of it is pretty good. I've chosen to turn a blind eye to a lot. Its the only way I've been able to make it this far. But I can't handle the dishonesty of all of that. Let me tell you, ignorance is bliss. There's another blog for another day.

Maintenance on the house and cars and other things, I'm not really concerned with. I have great friends and my Dad will help too. Quite frankly, I like to fix and repair stuff. I like the idea of putting up my own trim or fixing windows, painting, staining, refinishing floors. It would be mine and my way. That's an incredible relief for me. No more worrying about what he might want. I can have petal pink in my kitchen and it would be okay!

After all of this, I wonder though if my generally positive outlook is burning me. Countless times I have found myself in over my head because I was too optimistic. Had I looked more closely, I could have predicted the outcome of many of those situations. I guess I had better ponder more on this and make sure I am fully aware and understand what may happen.

Gotta go, the dogs are barking. There's someone at the door.

Until next time...

What Happened?

Today I'm wondering what happened. I know what happened because I was there but what happened? It wasn't suppose to be like this. I had dreams, hopes, goals for my life. Now I'm in the middle of my life wondering where it all went. At what point in my life did I give up on myself? Kinda bleak but not meant in a depressed way and no, I'm not suicidal.

I look at where I am and where I thought I'd be and see that I have sacrificed yet again. I wanted a happy home. A husband that adores me. Brings me flowers. A man that loves God, loves music, loves children, wants to serve. A man that is as laid back but as convicted as I am. A man that finds solace in nature. A man who is affectionate, drinks regularly, doesn't mind that I smoke, likes to cook and eat, isn't super picky about how neat the house is, can fix stuff and has the same fiscal mind. Someone with a sense of humor that doesn't mind that I'm a dork and one that cherish's my heart for the people around me and encourages me to keep on loving them. Someone who is secure but mostly, I want someone that see's the real me and loves me anyway. 

You know, see the places that are hidden. See's behind the fake smile, the psycho-babble that disables and disarms the average "Joe". See's the abyss of my heart and doesn't fear the darkness but wants to go explore it and find what makes me tick. That wants to find out the secrets that are locked inside and wants to hear "the good, the bad and the ugly". I have a dark side. As deeply as I care, I am as deep in darkness. Anger, fear, resentment, bitterness, rage, injustice, selfishness, are just a few. I want to think that a man can see that stuff as well and still accept me. But I am losing hope that that person is out there.

I believe it is possible. However not with who I am currently with. I'd like to think so but he lacks the ability to see beyond himself and what he needs or wants. That's not a criticism. I rather like that he can force people around him to say, do and feel what he wants. Its a trait I don't have. But it sucks to be married to when your ideas don't click. Especially when I end up apologizing for things that aren't mine to apologize for. It's sad really...that I can feel responsible for his issues and end up being the one to make amends and try to resolve the situation. I will often say, "I've pissed you off, what else is new?". And that's the truth. I never fail to disappoint, to upset, to trip-up and cause friction with him. I spend every day worrying about whether or not the house is clean enough, I've been busy enough, if he's going to approve of what I cook for dinner or the set I pick for our team to play...I just noticed I live in fear...again.

WTF! It wasn't supposed to be like this...so what happened?

The Capacity of a Human Heart?

Do you ever wonder how things would be different if you were in love? I often think about what would be different. Would the sun seem brighter? Would the birds sing sweeter? Would I be excited to get out of bed or get home from the day? Is making love different than having sex? What would change? What wouldn't? Is it all just some kind of hype that Hollywood made up to sell movies or is it really as great as in my head?

 

I've had a lot of people fall in love with me. Not to sound arrogant. It's not meant that way at all. Thinking about that makes me wonder what it is about who I am that makes me seem so appealing to people and concerning to their spouses. I suppose some of those thoughts are because I have been trying to wrap my head around a friends wife accusing him and me of having an affair. But she's not the first wife that's happened with. However husbands have been jealous of friendships that I've had with their wives as well. What do I do, right or wrong, that makes me so threatening? And why do people assume that it's sexual instead of loving?

 

I know how I try to live and how I want to be. I start my day asking God to use me in whatever way he sees fit. I am so blessed to be able to go wherever and whenever I want. My husband makes that possible and I'm grateful. Then I follow my heart through the day. I text, call, email those that are on my heart. I visit the elderly, hang with my dad, or just stay home and pray as I'm putzing on the house. I sincerely ask how the cashier at the gas station is and remember the next time I come in to ask how that particular situation is going because it matters to me...and to them. All I want to do is be sure people know they are loved. Love wins. Period.

 

I try to be guarded yet transparent. Only those who really look see me. The rest see the outside. I wonder what  those that really see me think. I wonder if they know how fickle my heart is. If they can see the secrets that I hide deep within. I wonder if they know how perverse my thoughts can be or how sacrificial my heart is. I wonder if they see the passion, the fear, the confusion. It scares me and yet there is a longing to be known on that level. God knows me there and loves me. Does anyone else and would they love me if they did?

 

I used to think there's no way a human can love like God. A human can be that accepting, loving, gentle, compassionate, sensitive, kind, genuine, sincere and forgiving as God. Yet if the love of Christ is in our hearts and we've been born again, then why not?

I've played it safe my whole life but time after time in the bible we are told of the most influential Christians and how they didn't play it safe. In fact, Jonah was swallowed by the whale because he tried to play it safe. Lol! Now that's my kind of God who knows how to wake you up. I wonder if my wake up calls could be so intense. It would certainly take the guess work out of serving. Then I'd know for sure if I'm doing the right things.

 

Since that's not the way God chooses to deal with me, I guess I will keep wondering about love. My husband says he's in love with me. However choking, pushing, threatening, shaming etc is not love. He wants to change. I've heard it before and I don't trust it. Being an abused child and 2 other abusive marriages, I just don't feel like I have the capacity to forgive much less trust him. How can we have a marriage if I don't trust? Why live a life harboring resentment? But that's my choice. Leave and heal, stop with relationships and definitely no more marriages or face my fear, choose to forgive, and hope for the best. Both are risks and I'm conflicted. Is my heart prepared for the let down the next time he hurts me? Am I willing to lose the second half of my life trying to fix something that shouldn't have happened in the first place?

 

He tells me he is scared to lose me... Only after I tell him I've had enough. He tells me he's sorry... Only after our friends see the bruises and hear the lame cover story. Don't get me wrong, 90% of the time he's a really great guy but my kids are afraid to be alone with him. They hide when he's in a bad mood. Not that he's ever laid a hand on them but he hadn't exactly been kind either. His words are sharp and his attitude even more hurtful. They tell me they feel like they are in the way and that they think he resents their existence because he's so jealous of my time. Good or bad, I put my kids first.

But I digress. What I'm really wondering about is love. Is the kind of love I hope for in my heart real from anyone besides God? If it is then why am I wasting my time? And on the other hand, if I truly have Christs love, then shouldn't I continue where I am and forgive 70 x 7 like the bible says and just hope and pray someday I will fall in love with my husband and be loved the way I feel like I should be? Like I deserve to be?

 

A friend is in a similar position. He's been with his wife since they got pregnant with their oldest. Over 20 years now. He's miserable and she's perfectly content making him that way. He believes and hopes in the same love that I do. He also questions like I do. And yet, neither one of us can come up with a solution. We know our options but can't bring ourselves to go there. Our kids are old enough to understand, cope and practically out of the house. Because of that, they are also able to see what we sacrifice to remain a nuclear family. What kind of example is that? Are we showing our kids how to love unconditionally or are we showing them how to be gluttons for punishment, accepting blame and resposibility for the actions of our spouses who are sometimes quite unhealthy? Which brings me back to the original question. Does the human heart have the capacity to love like Christ did and does?

 

I choose to believe it does. Whether or not my spouse has that capacity, I don't know. But if a human heart can love like Christ, then what's next for me?