Band aid?

So today was actually ok outside of the stupid conversation we had today. What I forgot to mention is that he took my wedding ring from me on Saturday. More punishments. Not that I should care but that's my back up plan. It's been appraised at $8,000. I could get at least half of that. It would buy me time and give me money to get us out of this financial bind we are in.

He refused to file taxes for this year so we are illegal right now. We are behind in our house insurance, we owe our energy company almost $2000 from the winter, besides the Lexus payments and the insurance for it. Oh ya and he spent any money I had set aside to pay our property taxes which are due in may.

The ring won't cover it all but it will help. I still have to find a job and to make our monthly bills manageable I have to get us caught up. He keeps digging us in the hole. I think because he plans to take equity out of the house to get caught up. But I won't let him do that so it's going to be just another fight.

I'm so tired of fighting. I needed to nap today because I hardly slept at all last night but didn't want to be in our room, in our bed so I went to the guest room. I think that's where I'm going to be from now on. Until I can have the courage to ask him to go.

Maybe it will make things manageable for now so I can make it another 399 days to next June. But I know we wont. Why I keep hanging on I don't know. I think it's the bandaid principal. I'm usually a rip it off kind of person but in this situation I'm trying to soak it so it just falls off on it's own. Ugh.

Partially I'm doing that because my therapist has reminded me there are more than just two solutions. There might be an option that works better than getting divorced. I just don't know if I care about any other option. I should to be fair but really is it about fair? Who am I being fair to?

Me? My friends and kids would tell you I'm not taking care of me. And I know I should be. And I agree with them. I'm waiting for him. Because I want him to be ok. That's pretty naive of me to think he will be ok with this. Like somehow he will just say, "yes Amy you're right. We should be done.". And yet I totally expect that. I totally think I can make it happen.

Make it happen. How manipulative. I can make it happen. How stupid. I can't make it happen the way I want it. It's a control thing. I need to give up control on how this happens and just focus on the outcome. I want to be happy again. I want to trust. I want mutual care and attention. I want peace, joy, hope. That can happen with him hanging around but it wouldn't be easy and I hate how my kids are being affected. I hate how I'm being affected. It's like living with an alcoholic. I can lovingly detach and make it work or I can end it and have it over.

I want it over. I cannot handle the control. I do not deserve to be treated this way. My kids, family and friends do not deserve to see me treated this way. If there was love between him and I, I would do anything I could to make this work. But I'm holding on to something that never had what it should have in the first place. No love. It's always been controlled. To the actual extent, I'm finding out daily but none of it changes the fact this isn't meant to be.

Then again, maybe I'm having a midlife crisis.

What a morning

I'm sitting in church right now. Should probably be listening to the sermon but I'm not. I'm angry. H told me this morning that he has been researching on the internet and he sees now I'm having a midlife crisis and he no longer has to accept responsibility for anything that's between us, that he forgives me and he will wait for as long as it takes for me to get over my crisis. Ugh. Initially I was relieved. He gets it. No more pressure.
But as it soaked in while we were practicing, I started to get pissed. Really? He has no part of this?

So naturally it's ok for him to require a receipt anytime I spend money? It's ok to get a daily allowance of miles on the odometer which he checks every morning before work? It's ok to ground me from my phone, the computer or other things because I'm a child that needs punishment? Its ok that he must be served and start eating first before the rest of us are allowed? Those things don't need change? Hmm. I disagree.

Clearly this isn't going to work. But I'm almost glad for the midlife crisis thing. He honestly believes that and it could make things amicable between us. That would make the divorce a heck of a lot easier not only for me but family and friends. People are going to believe what they want anyway. I know this. I've done this a couple times before. As long as I stand on the truth and handle myself with respect and dignity, it should be good. Guess we will see.

I'm too tired to write much more now. Still so much sorting and processing happening but at least it's out there for now. Yay!