Treading water

I'm super excited about the weekend! He gave me a budget which was a very generous amount. I won't use it all. However after all the accusations and other things I find myself not sure about going. Not that I'm going to do anything wrong but because his insecurities have made me feel guilty and ashamed.

Its those kind of things that I am not sure I can continue to live with. Without even trying he makes me feel like crap about myself. I know it is because I am hyper-sensitive and just doing what I was trained to do as a child but it still sucks. I get tired sometimes and I wonder how long I can keep fighting to keep my head above water. It would be so easy to just let it all suck me under and allow myself to fall prey to the current that is trying so hard to make me what I was. And some days, I want that. I want to go back to the control, the manipulation, the shame, the guilt. At least I knew what to expect and how to deal with it. This new way is really tiring.

I have managed to get my head above water. I see light and know there is something beyond the horizon but don't know what it is. I find myself overwhelmed and afraid. What if there isn't anything beyond what I can see? What if there is but it's too far away and I won't be able to make it there? What if I'm wrong and all this work and struggling is just in vain? Have I wasted all this time and effort on learning who I am and trying to have a place where it's okay to be, just to have it be a life raft with a hole in it?

That's where God has to come in. Those questions are legitimate and real for me and the only answer is faith. I have to believe there is something there. I have to have hope in a God who has never left me down before. I have to hang on, find strength deep inside that I don't usually tap into and stay-the-course. I know I do...but some days even faith is hard to have.

So I will keep treading water and anxiously await my opportunity to have 4 nights and 5 days rest. I fear it will be impeded on, robbed from me or turn into a spectacle of unknown proportion because I don't believe H can let go of control and jealousy. But I am so desperate for the opportunity that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Leaving my fantasyland

I'm still pondering yesterday's post. I find myself totally wrapped up in all the men around me. G has  a lot of qualities I would adore in a man. So does T and even H. How delusional I am to think that the "perfect" person is out there. But am I really saying that there is a perfect person?

I don't think I am. I think I'm saying that I have preferences. And yet, I'm so messed up in the head right now I can't honestly make a sound judgment call when it comes to relationships. I do get concerned though at myself when I read yesterday's post and see how vulnerable I am. I have to be sure to keep my head out of that place or I'm going to do stupid things. No, I'm not saying with L even though I realize it could have been interpreted as me having a crush on him. It wasn't about him per se, and more about what I would want in a man.

Truthfully I shouldn't be thinking about the qualities I want in a man. I have one. If I'm looking to make my life complicated, that would be a good way to do it. I really don't. My brain cannot handle one more anxiety to process. Trust me, there wouldn't be enough legal drugs out there to manage the kind of episode it would cause. And yet I'm back to an earlier post about hope. Hope in a better future. Hope in a different life. Hope in a chance to do things right and make life the way I feel like is should be. But I can't afford that hope right now. It is that hope that has led me astray.

Even though I'm moving in a direction of independence and the chance of life being different, I cannot be distracted from healing by the hope of a rescue. I need to rescue myself. I need to be okay sharing those intimate things with my therapist and my best friend. I need to be okay as a woman without a man at her side. I need to like myself without the daily affirmation of a husband. I need to focus my energy on me and my girls. Period.

So I will wrestle back the urges to think ahead to life with a man that exists only in my head and focus on the here and now. I am blessed with beautiful and amazing children, a beautiful home, I live in a great town and community, I belong to a church that has incredible people in it, I have friends that love me like I love them. God has even blessed me with sons. :) The life I have right now is exactly where I need to be. So no more fantasy talk for now. Back to reality...and it's a good one.

His and hers sparkly shoes

He bought himself some sparkly shoes. He said he would wear them when I wore mine. He wanted to show me he supports me and who I am. Sparkly shoes and all.

At first I laughed. It was funny to see sparkly shoes on him. But as it's been sinking in, if he's serious, I'm pissed off. I don't want him to change himself for me. I just want to be ok as myself.

But what if he is sparkly shoe kind of guy? Does it even matter? Do I care? I want to say I don't because I'm done but there is a small piece of me that wants this to work. I don't want to give up. I want him to be the guy he is trying to be.
But I cannot allow myself that hope. I cannot afford to do that. I'd like to but it's a place I've gone over and over again, only to be burned. And that's just with him. If I were to transfer the rest of my life onto him, then there's no chance.

I can't scapegoat him. I can't allow him to be held responsible for a lifetime of abuse. I can't let him be a martyr because I'm fed up with crappy behavior. And yet I get concerned that I might be doing that. Is there anything he can do to make things better? Is sparkly shoes enough?

I think it's sweet he wants to show me that support. I think it's nice that he's trying to do the little things that mean so much. I think he is desperate and really wants us to work. But do I?

I'm not sure. So I'll see what happens with the sparkly shoes. Maybe they will be a part of his personality, maybe not. The only thing I know for sure is that they are a part of mine.

Broken

Well today was an interesting day. Actually it was quite normal until H got home. He came in the door, dropped to his knees in front of me, starting crying, apologized and clung to my legs as he begged me to forgive him. Normally such a display would melt me and I would start crying and everything would be okay. But I walled up and allowed some of the anger I have to surface so I could stay strong. I wasn't rude or mean but I did say that I forgive him but things aren't going to change and he will have to show me things will be different. He accepted that. Later we went for a drive to figure out the details of this new arrangement and how it was going to work.

What I wonder today is why human beings have to be broken before we can change. Why were we created to be sinners? It almost feels like a set up doesn't it? Here, you can't help but be jerks but I'll give you the capacity to love and forgive and allow you the chance to be forgiven. It's like a formula for drama. And yet, we cannot hold God responsible for the actions of human beings...or can we?

I know I can't because free will is a gift even though we choose to misuse it as humans. I'm glad I have the choice to believe or not to believe. I'm glad I have the choice to decide what I am going to, or not going to do. I'm glad that I understand sadness so I can feel joy. I am glad I can feel anxiety because it makes me appreciate peace. It's all quite a complicated yet beautiful system of action and reaction.

Yet sometimes we think we are broken but we stay the way we were. We get the forgiveness and a second, third, fourth chance and we keep messing up. I would want someone to give me multiple chances and yet I don't think I can do that anymore. I appreciate that H is trying but if this doesn't end the way he wants, then will he resent me for making him change? I'm not making him change but he feels like I am by kicking him out.

It was sad to see him so broken. I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone, even him. And yet I knew I couldn't react, couldn't respond. This battle is his and I need to stand my ground. I'm quite resolved now but even though I'm strong on the outside, I'm torn on the inside. I want to believe this is going to be good and end well...no that's not true. I really don't. I'm so jaded that I don't want this to work. I can't believe it might because if I allow that piece of hope I will be back where I was even a week or two ago...conflicted.

Even though I'm resolved I'm broken too. I hate that this is where we had to end up. I hate that I waited so long to demand respect. I hate that it took a heartbreak for him to see that maybe the way he's treated me isn't good. I hate that it is uncomfortable and awkward for our friends (well the ones that aren't oblivious). I just want to heal. I just want to be whole. I just want to be myself and no longer be ashamed of who I am. I don't think that's too much to ask but with this free will thing, it seems like a lot.

God made me to care. I love. It's what I do. I want everyone I meet or encounter or know to feel special, important and appreciated. The love I have for them is God's love. It isn't mine. I'm a weinie. But His love works through me and it's awesome. I love being used. But I can't call it used. God and I are partners. He's gives me all I need and in return I allow him to love me and put me where and when He needs me to be. It's so simple and yet so gratifying. If for no other reason than I feel like I have a purpose. My purpose is only to serve God and the rest works itself out. It's quite remarkable. Another very cool system God has put in place.

What strikes me most about it is that He can still work with us when we are broken. That's why I can't totally discount what H said tonight. God might be able to work in him. This marriage might be able to be saved or maybe not. Even if H and I don't stay married, H will be a better person as will I. Nothing bad will come of this if I can keep my eyes focused on Christ and continue to be true to my heart and myself. I want to believe that. I have to believe that.

So I guess I'll stay in brokenness and hope that H stays broken too so God can put us both back together the way we are supposed to be whether that is together or apart.

Band aid?

So today was actually ok outside of the stupid conversation we had today. What I forgot to mention is that he took my wedding ring from me on Saturday. More punishments. Not that I should care but that's my back up plan. It's been appraised at $8,000. I could get at least half of that. It would buy me time and give me money to get us out of this financial bind we are in.

He refused to file taxes for this year so we are illegal right now. We are behind in our house insurance, we owe our energy company almost $2000 from the winter, besides the Lexus payments and the insurance for it. Oh ya and he spent any money I had set aside to pay our property taxes which are due in may.

The ring won't cover it all but it will help. I still have to find a job and to make our monthly bills manageable I have to get us caught up. He keeps digging us in the hole. I think because he plans to take equity out of the house to get caught up. But I won't let him do that so it's going to be just another fight.

I'm so tired of fighting. I needed to nap today because I hardly slept at all last night but didn't want to be in our room, in our bed so I went to the guest room. I think that's where I'm going to be from now on. Until I can have the courage to ask him to go.

Maybe it will make things manageable for now so I can make it another 399 days to next June. But I know we wont. Why I keep hanging on I don't know. I think it's the bandaid principal. I'm usually a rip it off kind of person but in this situation I'm trying to soak it so it just falls off on it's own. Ugh.

Partially I'm doing that because my therapist has reminded me there are more than just two solutions. There might be an option that works better than getting divorced. I just don't know if I care about any other option. I should to be fair but really is it about fair? Who am I being fair to?

Me? My friends and kids would tell you I'm not taking care of me. And I know I should be. And I agree with them. I'm waiting for him. Because I want him to be ok. That's pretty naive of me to think he will be ok with this. Like somehow he will just say, "yes Amy you're right. We should be done.". And yet I totally expect that. I totally think I can make it happen.

Make it happen. How manipulative. I can make it happen. How stupid. I can't make it happen the way I want it. It's a control thing. I need to give up control on how this happens and just focus on the outcome. I want to be happy again. I want to trust. I want mutual care and attention. I want peace, joy, hope. That can happen with him hanging around but it wouldn't be easy and I hate how my kids are being affected. I hate how I'm being affected. It's like living with an alcoholic. I can lovingly detach and make it work or I can end it and have it over.

I want it over. I cannot handle the control. I do not deserve to be treated this way. My kids, family and friends do not deserve to see me treated this way. If there was love between him and I, I would do anything I could to make this work. But I'm holding on to something that never had what it should have in the first place. No love. It's always been controlled. To the actual extent, I'm finding out daily but none of it changes the fact this isn't meant to be.

Then again, maybe I'm having a midlife crisis.

Baby Steps

Well, I've had a chance to think about Easter day and how that went in regards to H. It was actually a good day. He got mad at me first thing because I wanted to dress up for church and he wanted to wear jeans. I didn't tell him he needed to dress up, he just felt obligated because I was. But once the day played out, it was a decent day! In fact, I realized in reflecting about the day that I can be critical about him to our friends. I say things off the cuff that are true but not necessarily for the world to know about him. That's not cool. I'm going to work on that. I guess I am not above things slipping out sideways either. I'd like to think I'm better than that but naturally I am humbled. God does that a lot to me. Probably a good thing as I can be a snot but He does remind me that I'm not as strong, as put together, as organized, as stable as I like to think I am.

I have to give props to H as well because I drug him down to a friends house that he barely knows to hang out with her and her family which includes a set of 2 year old twins, a 4 year old, an 8 year old and her boyfriend. All in a 5 room, 2 bedroom upstairs apartment in the hood. Yes, they are black and yes I am white. Obviously not an issue because those are my friends but he's been a little sheltered. However he did great! Normally H is the kind of guy that if he's not having a good time he will make sure everyone around him knows it. He can't just keep it under wraps for the sake of those he is with. But yesterday, he did put on a happy face and handled it like a trooper. It was really nice. If he was upset or annoyed about it, he kept it to himself and I wasn't even noticing it. I am really glad to see a positive change. Even if it was just for Easter, it was a nice Easter because of it. I appreciate the gesture a lot.

What I've also noticed in reflecting about the day is that even though he gets mad at me a lot, I don't really let it stop me unless he throws a major fit. A little tantrum doesn't even phase me. I let him have his say and keep going about my way. Like the dress clothes, like at practices, like pretty much everything. So when I actually push him to point that he physically lashes out at me, it takes me by surprise. However it is no wonder that he feels disrespected. I totally don't respect him at all. I've been wondering if I could do everything his way. I don't know if I can. Let me rephrase that, I can but I don't know if I want to. I've done it before to get to this point in our marriage but I missed myself so much. I missed being me. Thus I still question whether or not we will be able to be together because I want to be me and have it be okay. It isn't fun to fight all the time and it isn't fun to feel like who I am isn't okay.

Despite that, I needed to be sure to document that he tried and that he made an effort. That was really good. Today things were back to normal when he got pissed off because I wanted to wash the floors on my hands and knees verses using a mop but whatever. Baby steps right?

Resurrection Day

Really wishing I wouldn't have thought about how strong I thought I was with my mom. Ever since I've been having memories of me standing there with resolve, not even flinching as the punches, slaps and whatever she had in her hand came flying at me. What a sick thing to think about. Those are feelings I used to feel pride about. Now I'm angry and sad. But I still can't cry. I leak. But I don't cry.

 

I specify a difference because my eyes well up and a tear or two might fall but I don't willingly let anything out. There has never been an exception. I've never felt safe enough, even alone to just release it. I need to though. As the memories float to the surface I find myself feeling overwhelmed and anxious. But I still refuse to go there. I just can't. My heart is not safe around my husband. That's not his fault either. He really wants to be there for me, he just can't help himself. He feels like it's helpful to tell me how I should handle myself. I have repeatedly asked him just to listen, to hold me, to just be there and he cannot be. Again, not his fault. He only knows how to correct in an attempt to help. But with stuff like this, there isn't a right or wrong, it just is or isnt. And with him around it isn't.

 

My girlfriend K could possibly be a safe person if we could actually have time without interruption. My therapist would be but he can't touch me. My guyfriend L definitely is and has come close to breaking me a couple times without even trying but we aren't allowed to be alone so it doesn't matter. So I keep stuffing and little bits dribble out despite my unwillingness to let it go. I'm literally going to explode one of these days. I just hope the situation in which that happens is appropriate.

 

My username is Mia Phoenix. Although Mia is not Mia it's M.I.A. or missing in action. I used to relate to the Phoenix; rising from the ashes into an amazing creature of fire and healing. Now I see that I may have risen from the ashes of my childhood but I'm not flying yet and I am not healed. I'm trying and fighting my way through this in hopes of living a life worthy of the title of a Phoenix but for now, the Phoenix in me is M.I.A. Thus Mia Phoenix.

 

Ironic really because today is Easter. A day of resurrection. Perhaps one of these Easters I will just be a Phoenix instead of Mia Phoenix. Until then, I'll keep fighting through the memories, keep numbing myself to just cope with living with H and place my hope in God for a life I desperately want before I have no life left in me to live. But maybe that's the point. Maybe I have to die before I can be reborn. Maybe I have to embrace the pain, the tears, the years and accept the unacceptable before I can fly. Even if it's not Easter, that will be my resurrection day.

His words, my words

So I've been thinking about how I might be what he says so I've decided to take this post to write what he says is wrong with me and what I do wrong. Maybe he's right and I have some things to work on. To be honest with myself I have to use the words he has used. Otherwise I'd try to sugar coat it and be more kind. Not the point. The point is to look at how harsh he feels and honestly look at whether or not it's justified.

 

What's wrong with me:

I'm too friendly
I'm a tight wad
I like the color yellow
I wear sparkly house shoes
I wear my yellow, daisy hat in public
I have f me curls
I trust easily
I love too much
I want to help too often
I spend too much time with kids
I'm too patient with kids
I don't punish kids enough
I'm the dumbest smart person he has ever known
I don't listen to the radio enough
I'm not neat enough
I don't keep the house clean enough
I don't do laundry often enough
I don't change the sheets and towels often enough
I don't support him
I don't obey him enough
I don't treat him like the head of our household
I like to laugh too much
I'm clumsy
I'm quirky
I drink too much
I smoke
I don't show enough emotion
I'm a distraction
I'm reckless
I'm adventurous
I'm unreasonable
I'm stubborn
I'm independent
I'm particular
I'm too organized
I'm not spontaneous enough
I am outdoors too much
I don't bake cookies often enough

 

Since I'm doing this I can also add my own short comings:

I'm fat
I'm out of shape
I'm lazy
I'm too hopeful
I'm a peace keeper
I'm a care taker
I'm a perfectionist
I have panic attacks
I'm not serious enough
I hide behind humor
I'm sarcastic
I lie to save peoples feelings from being hurt
I protect
I let fear control me
I walk the fence and if I fall off into the other side I just get back on the fence again
I believe in God's love working through humans
I believe people should be cherished
I am not afraid of being hurt emotionally
I am grieving

 

I am sure if I left this list open I could keep adding. But for now I'm going to stop and process these things, pray about them and possibly talk to friends about it because I don't want to put all the blame on him. I have my issues too. I am not without fault. Of course right now I have a lot of Easter baking to do and dinner to start so I'd better focus on that or it won't be right and I'll mess that up too.

I like mornings

Mornings are nice. Not the ones where you set an alarm and have to jump out of bed to start your day but the ones where you linger. Take your time and just let the wave of the day sweep you away. No agendas, no stresses yet, just you and God looking ahead. This is also the best time for sex in my opinion too. Something about starting your day with that release is pretty cool.

 

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to wake up next to somebody you were happy to see. To watch them sleep, to hold them, to want to cover them in kisses and touch every part of them. I'm a touchy feely person anyway but to have a spouse that you just want to be near, sounds amazing. The idea of having that emotional intimacy is intoxicating for me. It distracts my thoughts, influences my actions, appeals to my heart and my hope. Well everything except the spouse part.

 

I don't think I could or should marry again. I can't be trusted. I would live with someone, I would be committed but I would always want that door to be open. For whatever reason marriage seems like a jail cell. I don't want to go back into one once I get out. However I see K and G together and their marriage is about freedom. It's inspirational.

 

Being together gives them permission to be themselves. The good and the bad. They are free to express what they want, when they want and how they want without there being backlash or punishment. They are free to break down because the other will be there for them. They are free to try new things because the other will be there to lift them up. There is freedom with them because of the love they share. I'm sure I'm not adequately describing it but just trust me, their marriage is freedom. It's so different from anything I've seen before and yet my heart recognizes it as truth.

 

What I grew up seeing is abuse, anger, bitterness, resentment, frustration. I don't think I ever saw my parents hug or kiss. It was rare to even see them together although I have vivid memories of them physically fighting and me being scared for my dad because he refused to hit a woman. So he just let her beat on him. I guess it was better than her beating on me or my brother. Shouldn't have happened at all but ya know, it is what it is. Point being, I knew that was wrong. I often wished my parents would have gotten divorced so I could have a safe place somewhere. But with my friends, their marriage is safe and loving. Probably a little co-dependent but why not? It works for them.

 

I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship like that. I feel like I have a friendship like that with L but we are just friends. Although at one point when I was trying to figure out how to sort out what I was feeling, thought he and I should be FWB. Lol! But that was a stupid whim and a feeble attempt to make myself feel better about the current situation. Now that I'm willing to take an honest, hard look at things, I don't want that. I never really did. FWB is good in theory, not so good played out. It is merely a distraction from the truth. A truth that needs to be accepted, faced and either acted upon or not. That would be my choice. One I'm still pondering.

 

God has put L and K in my life. An amazing guy and girl friends. I used to question it. But now I see I am not meant to. They have taught me to trust in friendship, they have showed me unconditional love, they have blessed me with their opinions, wisdoms and truths. They listen, don't need or want the short version, and get it so I don't have to say too much. Holy cow is that a gift. I can be in a room with either one of them and it can be silent, and it isn't awkward. We just get each other. Love that. But I like silence. Probably why I adore lazy mornings so much. The silence, the peace, the positive energy as the sun reveals itself to the world and the potential for the day ahead is set. What a beautiful time. Just wish I had someone to share it with...

 

I did it again

Well I did it again. Not even sure what exactly I did but I got in trouble again tonight at practice tonight. Not at practice but afterwards. He bitched me out the whole way home about how I was a distraction, how I should be a better example, how I shouldnt drink, how I was disrespectful to my friends but especially to him. On the way there it was how I was an embarrassment for bringing my sparkly shoes and how I am slutty for wearing my hair curly. He also wouldn't let me drive my car or smoke in my car. Guess it's only my car when he's not around.

 

I hate how he hides. I know he doesn't hide completely at practice but when I directly confront him on something in front of our friends, he denies it. It annoys me so much. Why pretend if we aren't happy? Why pose for pictures when neither one of us really want to be seen together? Why bother? But we do. We go through the motions, he hides as much as he can but I think our friends are through it.

 

What bothers me most is that I really don't think I want a lot from him. Just some acceptance, some love, some patience, some grace. He ends nearly every church service encouraging the perish members to give grace, get grace, have grace and yet he doesn't seem to know what that means. What it disheartening is that he isn't capable of it. Again, he's not a bad guy. He would be a fine husband for a woman who wants to be submissive and controlled. But that is not me.

 

I've never been able to tow the line. I talked with T tonight about how I walk the line. Always have. It's just who I am. It makes me who I am and because I do, I can relate to all sorts of people. It makes me an effective minister but apparently it's not something my husband can accept nor tolerate about me. My friends seem to be ok with it but they aren't married to me.

 

I suppose it's hard to be married to someone who lets her flaws be seen. I suppose it's hard to be married to someone that genuinely loves anyone. I suppose it's hard to be married to someone who only takes finances, child rearing and love seriously. But that's who I am. I don't think it makes me bad, just different than he thought I would be. I still wonder why he says he's in love with me. Maybe those things appeal to him but he didn't realize that being married to someone like that was going to drive him crazy but trust me, I drive him crazy.

 

I really miss talking to my friend L who is in the same position because when I'm told constantly either directly or indirectly that who I am is bad, it's a relief to hear from him and find out I'm not as bad as I am told I am. Even though h tries to isolate me so I don't find support out there, I refuse to be shut down and placed in a position where I am stuck with my own thoughts.

 

I doubt myself constantly. It's because of how I was raised.  So placing myself in the same situation yet again is not surprising. I'm learning but I'm still quick to assume in bad, I'm to blame, I'm guilty and I deserve to be punished. Quite frankly, as much as I wish for a man who can see me and love me, it scares me. What if I did find a man who accepted me? Could I handle bring loved like that? Would I trust it? Would I push him away and test him to see if he really could handle me?

 

Probably. I would need a man who would be willing to stick with me no matter what. A man to tell me how amazing I am. How beautiful I am. How, even though I'm broken, I'm still worth something instead of being reminded of each and every mistake I make or how I'm a disappointment or how I need to be different. Aren't I good enough just as I am?  God says I am. My kids say I am. My friends say I am. Why do I even bother second guessing myself? I don't know but I do and his one discouraging word can supersede any kindness or compliment I may be given. I'm tired of living like this. But it's how it's going to be for now. I promised him a chance so a chance I will give.

Until then I guess I'll keep messing up and taking my punishment like a good little girl.

 

He doesn't even like you!

Those are the words I heard from my 12 year old today. After she said he doesn't even like her. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised because this isn't the first time I've heard that but I was surprised. Especially with it coming out of her mouth. After both girls venting at me for a half hour about what a jerk h was to them last night including the boldface lie he told when asked a point blank question, I finally asked the question. "Would you be upset if he and I weren't together anymore?", and the response was "not really, we'd be a lot happier without him". Again surprised at the answer.

 

Where have I been? I would not have predicted such a response. Here I thought I was the only one miserable in this. I thought I was the only one who felt bullied by him. I thought I was the only one who saw how inconsistent he is. But I'm not. None of us know if today he'll be okay with laughter at the dinner table when yesterday he wasn't. We don't know if today it's my car or his. Today we don't know if he will get upset because we aren't hanging as a family together or if he's going to isolate.

Sad thing is I know that if I told him how they felt, he would be hurt by it. So I'm not going to. That's just mean and yet I kind of feel like he should know. It isn't just me. But on the other hand, like I told the girls, he can ground them and parade his parental rights over them. It's better for him to be mad at me so I need to keep buffering.

 

He says I'm too easy on the girls. But I don't think I am. I address things with them but I do it calmly and respectfully. What good is freaking out and/or punishing without first getting the whole story. Besides they are good kids, there is very little to be upset with them about. They do what they are asked when I ask them and usually without complaint. They do well in school. They know to be respectful and we'll-mannered when away from home and are usually at home too. Granted their rooms aren't always clean which is awful to some people but they are responsible for themselves, their pets, their laundry and their grades. My job as mom is not to guilt or shame but to encourage, lift up and support them. But in his eyes it makes me weak and a push over.

 

I guess I just don't care if they forget to pick up the mail as they walk by the mailbox from the bus stop. I guess I just don't care if they leave their backpack on the table. It gets moved when I ask. I don't care if they want their rooms to be dusty and messy, they live in it not me.

 

What I do care about is how much sleep they get, what food they eat, that they shower on a regular basis, that they maintain a b average in school, that they learn how to cook, do their own laundry, balance a checkbook, pay their phone bill, respect curfew. And most importantly they are never afraid to ask me for help. I'm limited in what I can do but I want them to always feel like they can talk about sex, boyfriends, h, God, school friends, drinking, drugs, etc. I want that line of communication to be always open with them.

 

But h doesn't. He doesn't like that I have that kind of relationship with my girls. He gets upset if I spend too much time with them or if they need someone to talk to, they are being needy or whiney or "girls".

 

I wish I could some how reflect how he says the word "girls" when he's talking about them and me. There is so much disdaine in his voice. The cynicism just drips off his tongue and even his eyes shut like he just can't believe he has to deal with us girls. For a man with 6 girls, you would think he'd think of each of them as his little princesses and his wife his queen. But nope. There's hatred in his voice. Don't get me wrong, he's not a closet gay man but he does have issues with women that have strong opinions or have too much fun. That's pretty much all of us so it's no wonder.

 

I see how G is with his daughters and wife, they both are his beautiful creatures that he has been blessed with. He doesn't always feel worthy of such beauty in his life and yet he cherishes every word, every moment, every touch with them. Then you see him with his grand daughters and it's even sweeter. Isnt that the way it should be. I want to be adored. I want to be appreciated. I want to be respected. I want him to laugh when I'm random and goofy, to feel pride when I'm strong, to feel love when I'm independent and to find humor in me when I do something dorky (Which is a lot). At the very least to like me and like my girls.

 

You just know

I asked a friend how you know if you've found the "one". His response was you just know and you know because you just want to be with that person. I'm paraphrasing here but that was the gist. If I accept his answer as truth then I shouldn't be blogging at all. Since I'm questioning my marriage among other things, he is not the one. I don't really like to spend time with him and I find myself preferring to be alone. I shouldn't wish he had somewhere to be all the time. I shouldn't feel like I have to be a buffer between him and the kids. If I didn't have all this water under the bridge, would I want to be with him? Would my perspective change?

 

He will tell you I'm the one. He fell in love with me the moment he saw me, that I'm a blessing, that he doesn't want to live life without me. Even as I write those things I find myself rolling my eyes. If this is love, then I want hate. No that's not true but if this is his view of love, then we are certainly not going to work out. However as the more seasoned Christian here, should I be the one to set an example and learn to love him as he is? Does he continue to hold on to something I think is awful because he loves me beyond the circumstances? Can it work if only one side has that kind of love?

I complain about him but clearly I'm the verbal one here. I'm the one with the problem. I'm the one putting my foot down and I'm the one saying it's not going to work. Am I the problem? Is my twisted upbringing tainting my perceptions? I am the problem here but I can't help but wonder if it's because I'm just not easy to please or live with. What are my expectations excluding love that he cannot live up to them?

 

I expect honesty, faithfulness, dialogue, companionship, respect, kindness, gentleness, affection, sex, laughter, sharing of interests and passions. What of that list am I getting or think I'm getting: sex, sharing of interests and passions, some affection, faithfulness. What I'm missing: dialogue, companionship, respect, kindness, gentleness, laughter and the other half of affection. I omitted the honesty one because he can't be honest with himself much less with me or anyone else.

A few weeks ago we were hanging out with a friend in his garage and I had a few beers. Not good because I babble and my secrets are not secrets anymore. So I casually made a comment about the physical abuse. How he wouldn't know if my punches would hurt because I've never laid a hand on him but that I know his hurt. Well our friend asked him really and h just avoided the question until our friend let it go.

 

The husband and I had a conversation about it afterwards because I got in trouble for making the comment and almost revealing our secret. Huh, our secret. It shouldn't happen at all much less be "our secret". Grr. Like I said, the honesty thing isn't happening with him.

 

And I'm not being honest with him by writing these blogs. When talking to him, I sugar coat the truth out of fear. I avoid telling him what is truly on my mind, how I have no hope in him or in us, how I am unable to see a future with him, how his attempts at change will never be enough to save this, that in my mind one year is one year too long. He doesn't know those things. I continue to smile, try to do what is expected of me, live a little my own way when I'm around friends or when he is gone.

I guess I didn't realize how resolved I am until just now. I just know we aren't suppose to be together. Guess my friend was right, you just know.

Temper, temper

Well we had the blow up I was expecting. I really didn't want to engage. I tried hard not to engage but I did. He was feeling as if I was ungrateful for the car. I told him the idea was great but I was concerned about the finances but that it was easier for him to spend money then it is for me to spend money. I'm one of those unusual women that hates to shop and hates to spend money. The more money I have saved, the less I want to spend it. I don't really know why, I guess I like the security of having it if we need it. But he's one of those that spends and thinks later. Not really a good match because finances can be such a controversial subject for marriages. Anyway, me saying it was easier for him to spend money set him off.

From there it was a whirlwind. I kept my mouth shut and watched for a while. It was sort of humorous, at first he was offended and angry. Then when I said that I clearly hit a nerve and I wonder why he's so sensitive about it, he turned it around to how he doesn't feel good enough and I should leave him because he's a failure. This is usually when I step in and say he's not and it's okay and all is well, then console him as he cries and loathes about himself. But not tonight.

Tonight I said it was too bad he felt that way and I walked away. Bad move. He then started in on how I spend money on buying food and gifts for the kids at Christmas and Easter and Valentines Day, realized what he was saying and turned around and started in on me for being a "tight wad". Now normally I'm really good at not engaging (as I mentioned earlier), but don't call me names. You want to throw a pity party, fine. You want to be angry and slam doors, fine. But be a grown up and use your big boy/big girl words. So my nerve was hit and I blew back at him.

Part of why I don't blow up is because I've learned that my hot, Italian temper and witty brain causes a very adverse reaction when I let my anger out. Not that I'm physically hurting anyone but I have a sharp tongue and I'm observant so I know how to hurt people if I want to. Not something I'm proud of but growing up in a house where you defend yourself or die, you learn to watch for weaknesses and you know how to exploit them if necessary. It's a very ugly part of me I dislike a lot and that part of me caught fire tonight. Needless to say, it ended with him speechless, in tears and me in the bath tub wanting to wring his neck.

That's the problem with my temper. I don't have remorse. If I get to the point where I'm going to intentionally hurt you, I do not care that I hurt you. And I hurt him. I want to feel bad. And maybe I will in a few days or weeks or months but right now, I'm all "what now b*tch"! So I guess I'm sorry that I got to my breaking point but I'm not sorry for what I said. It was true, I just didn't need to deliver it in the way that I did. Something I learned as a child when I saw how I hurt my brother with my words. We were doing our usual sibling fighting but I wanted to finish it so I did. I still don't have remorse about what I said but I feel bad for making him feel as bad as I did. Strange things how your brain remembers those kind of moments like they are yesterday. I suppose because I felt so empowered. People only walk on me because I let them. Not because they can have their way with me and I guess by losing it once and a while, they are reminded that I submit, I am not controlled.

Odd thing is as I'm typing this, my kids have never heard me yell nor have they seen me completely lash out and they have tested me. I've never felt like I needed to take it to that level. I've always remained in control of myself and on top of my game. I'm hormonal right now so maybe that's why I lost it. Perhaps the water under the bridge has swept the bridge away and I'm a lot less tolerant now. I don't know. And yet I think that's only the second time in almost 8 years that I have ever gone there with H either. I guess that's a good thing. Probably not though.

Last week at therapy I was talking about some of the experiences that I have lived through with my Mom. Oddly I didn't have anger until he told me to think of the situation in which she freaked out on me and put one of my children in that scenario. In other words, think of her doing that to one of my kids...that made me angry. And that's when I realized that I have always seen anger as a weakness and a last resort. Not to mention that I don't usually get angry on my own behalf. Like somehow I am strong enough, I can take it. Ha! What a farce that is. Although I did take it, but it did a lot of damage. I am grateful that I was able to contain it in me for as long as I have been so that my kids lives will be different. They will raise their children differently and hopefully the future generations of women in my family will be more nurturing, loving, and attentive. Who knows. I can only hope.

For now, it's good that I'm getting in touch with my anger about my childhood however I'm concerned with my sharp tongue that I'm going to hurt more people around me. Especially those like H who I have resentments towards. I don't want to be like my Mom. I don't want to fly off the handle in an illogical rage. I don't want to do and say things that make me drop to my knees in shame when I am no longer angry. Stupid temper...

TGIM

Yes I know that the usual anagram is TGIF but I'm glad it's Monday. Life gets back to normal and I don't have to live on high alert. I prefer that. My 19 year old has been hanging out with me today. It's pretty awesome. She likes Robyn. That's too bad because I think I'm going to have to insist he take her back.

I have so much anxiety about this car. We were barely paying the bills as it was. If it wasn't for the fact that we don't have a mortgage, we wouldn't be able to keep up. And the only reason we don't have a mortgage is because my Dad was the mortgage holder on the house and he gave it to us for Christmas this year. What an amazing gift. However my husband keeps wanting to take out a home equity loan for other things. I refuse to let him do it. He gets really mad at me but its foolish. If we could afford to have the mortgage, my Dad wouldn't have given us the house and we'd still be paying it. But we could barely do it and even without the mortgage, we are robbing Peter to pay Paul. Yet somehow the husband (or for future reference H), thinks we need a Lexus and that the increase in the car payments plus the increase in our insurance is going to be affordable. It's insane really. And who impulse buys a car?!?! Grr...

I suppose some of you reading this think I'm ungrateful. Perhaps I am. Logic will always win out for me and I don't like to owe anyone anything. The bible says that we aren't suppose to owe, we pay for what we get and that's that. Finance charges are a sin as well but I don't think the credit card companies and banks care. We live a cash lifestyle. He managed to mismanage so bad that we were nearly bankrupt. Some was his fault, some was mine, some was the economy. Regardless I love not having credit cards. I love paying cash (debit card) only and I hate owing people money. The Ford was almost paid off. But it was pretty beat up.

That bothered me only because H ripped the bumper off going over a speed bump too fast and he backed into a garage and dinged up the back end. Not cool. But because it was the car I primarily drove, I felt like I was being judged as a stupid woman driver. Clearly my own hang up. People probably didn't care at all. However I take a lot of pride in being a safe driver. I've never been in an accident and I have had one speeding ticket which was 21 years ago...maybe 22. I don't know. I was 18.

Unlike H who has gone to jail for stupid petty tickets, has had multiple, falls asleep at the wheel with the family in the car, has been the cause of many accidents and currently needs glasses something horrible but doesn't get them and drives even though he can't see the lines very well and barely the signs on the side of the road.

I can deal with those things. What I can't deal with is that after yesterday church, I wasn't allowed to drive the car the rest of the day because he wanted to. Last night before bed he set down some rules about where and when I could drive it today. Along with checking the odometer to make sure that I didn't put any unnecessary mileage on "his" car. But supposedly he bought the car for me. I'm pretty sure he knew I'd throw a fit about it because it was financially irresponsible so he presented it to me as a gift. A manipulation for him to have what he wanted. Whether or not it was a conscious effort to "dupe" me, I don't think so. He is really quite unaware how selfish he is. He thinks he sacrifices and gives to everyone around him...

Amazing how our perceptions vary. Of course I'm right because it's me. Lol! ;) Seriously though, how strange. I do wonder how much of my perceptions are truth and what I have created as drama in my head. I'm so unclear about my current mental status these days being in therapy. I really want healing and I want to be free finally from my past instead of making the same mistakes over and over again. So I always second guess myself and I don't know if I should or not. I do know that I don't trust his opinion so I ask my friends. K and G are awesome and super honest. I SO appreciate that. T is too but he's in his own la-la land. I don't really give what he has to say much credence. Not because he's a bad guy but because he just doesn't live in the same world as the rest of us. It's something I love about him! L is awesome too and really helpful being in the same situation but I've been forbidden to talk to him so that's not happening.

Anyway the point of all that was to say that I am glad it's Monday, I am resenting the car, I don't trust my own perceptions, I'm glad I'm in therapy and friends rock. :)

Until tomorrow...

Robyn

I am beginning to hate weekends. I don't get the opportunity to write everyday like I do during the week. Mostly because he is hovering. He knows I have a blog but I totally lied to his face when he asked if I posted them on the web. I don't usually like to lie but I know that he wouldn't respect my privacy and I need this for me. Suppose it was selfish and rude but it is what it is.

So far it's been an interesting couple days. Yesterday we brought our oldest at home to a college about an hour and a half away for a weekend visit. The drive home alone was really good. We talked more about our situation and he acknowledged that if it doesn't work out after this year he can feel better about it because of the time we had. I don't know if that will really happen but it was a relief for me. Not that I should care about how he feels but I do. It's not like I hate the guy. We just shouldn't be married.

At the same time as his apparent acceptance, he's majorly kissing my butt. He came home with a Lexus for me today. Really? Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful and I have named her Robyn however I really could care less about money and stuff. I want to be happy and I don't need a Lexus to be happy. It is also not going to make me somehow forget the current situation nor is it going to make me feel like I am closer to him. I don't want gifts. I want compatibility. I want respect. I want kindness, hope, joy, laughter, love. You can't buy those things. Not to mention it makes me feel like I have to pay him back somehow. I'm waiting for the day when I do something wrong and he makes sure to point out that he bought me my new car so I owe him.

There is nothing worse than getting a gift with strings attached. I want to be super excited but I can't allow myself the joy I would if I knew it was because he really loved me. It's an appeasement of sorts. I suppose maybe an amend. I don't know really. But what it feels like to me is a cheap attempt to buy my heart and affections. It's like he doesn't hear me tell him I need substance. I need a partner, compatibility, companionship. I need a friend and a lover. I need my best friend to be my spouse. I don't need stuff.

And yet, the materialistic side of me cannot wait to rub it in my ex's face that he drives a 90's Honda Civic and I am in my new one. Selfish, rude and snotty but it's the truth. I'm okay with that. Sometimes it's just fun. Of course I love cars in general so let me tell you, it rides like a dream. Its super quiet. The sun roof is awesome although I don't know how much I'll get to use it in MN. It has great gas mileage especially for a V6 and it's just pretty. I didn't think that I'd be a blue car person but I'm a fan. It's understated enough to not draw too much attention but bold enough to make a statement because it's the car it is. I LOVE IT! I just wish it wasn't given to me under the circumstances that it was.

For now I will enjoy the car until he has brow beaten me enough with it that I don't and then I'll get rid of it. Or not. Maybe I'll make my peace with it and drive it until it has 250,000 miles on it. Lol! That will take forever considering I only drive the kids back and forth to school and run errands around town. But that's okay too. At least for today, it was a very nice gift and something I enjoy. Perhaps it will get to stay like that and Robyn will remain a blessing. Time will tell...

D-Day

He and I have had some good conversation lately and finally have come to an agreement of sorts. It's exciting for me because we are moving in a direction. I don't even care which way, just moving. See, he wanted to separate in our minds and he would try to win me back. But he didn't like that I was distant and guarded around him. I didn't like that he can let go of being controlling when he thinks we aren't married. So we came to the conclusion that we will be all in for 1 year or so. June 1, 2015 we will decide if we are staying together or not. He wants the opportunity to change. My response to that was to question if he was changing because I am not happy. He said he didn't like who he has been.

Interesting. I have had moments where I don't like how I've behaved. But I haven't really not liked who I am. If he means that, then there could be hope. If not, then after June 1, 2015 we are done. Initially I thought I'd try to hang in there for another 6 years until our youngest graduates. Then I told my friend that and she laughed. And then I laughed. She said there's no way I could make it that long and she's totally right. I just can't pretend this is working for 6 years. But for one year, I can. For one year I will ignore the warning signs, I will pacify the situation, I will live my life uncaged and he will either freak out completely and walk away or he will stick with his plan to let go of control and he will be a better person.

I liked the idea a lot because I don't like being so guarded around him. I love him. Not romantically but I care about him deeply. I could learn to love. I don't want to but back to the hope thing, am I taking a gamble with not only my life but his? That's a lot of responsibility. However this compromise will give us both the opportunity to heal in the ways we need to and see if it's going to work or not without him being afraid I'm going to walk away or me being afraid I'll be stuck in this life forever. We both have choices with this plan. Perhaps it will be good and we will find out this can work. Or we will find out this can't work and walk away without it being a mess. It's a logical choice.

I hate that I'm even at this point in a marriage that I would feel the need to set a limit on whether or not we can be together. I feel like it shouldn't be like this. If we were going to work, this wouldn't even be a part of the discussion. However people are broken and we all have our stuff. Since I have this innate sense of justice, it feels right to offer a chance. Then I can walk away without guilt or thinking I didn't give it an honest shot or didn't give him a chance to make changes. Sad that it has taken this for him to take me seriously but whatever. It is what it is. I'm just glad to have some kind of resolution available.

Of course, if he does make changes and I think we can stay married, then I'm still confronted with the situation of whether or not I can trust it. But for now I'm going to just accept things as they are and not stress over it. It will be what it is going to be.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep blogging. It will be a good opportunity to continue to vent as well as keep track of the days and how they have gone. I'm not going to put on rose-colored glasses but I may not be as critical when I know I've got over a year to hang in there. I'll write about each day, good or bad as they come and before D-day I will read over everything I've written to see how it went. That way my optimism won't get the best of me and I will have an honest, daily account of life together. With that being said, he brought me flowers yesterday just because. That was very nice and he remembered that white daisies are my favorite. Score one for him...

 

The Other Side

I've been thinking about what if's. Talk about an abyss of philosophical rhetoric. However it is interesting to think about what if I stayed and tried to make the best of it. What would it be like?

A typical day is me getting up between 6-630 am. Start the car, start breakfast, make lunches, correct and sign homework, eat half a banana, send my "I love you today" texts then leave at 7am and drop the 3 off at their schools. I'm back home about 730 and I work out, take a shower, get laundry going, sweep, dust and steam the hardwood floors, vacuum the rugs, put dishes away if they haven't been already, plan dinner and defrost the meat if needed. Then I have some free time which I use to have coffee with my dad, visit elderly friends, make chord sheets and plan music sets, and now that it's warmer, will involve outdoor chores. About 230 pm the girls come home. From there it is a whirlwind of homework, stories from the day, informing of future things coming up and potential social engagements, driving to and from practices, starting dinner and other such things. Then my husband comes home between 3-430 depending on if he works overtime. When he walks in the door, I have hopefully remembered to have clean towels in the bathroom for him. If not, I go get one for him. He takes a shower while I'm juggling the rest of the stuff, gets dressed and lays on our bed and watches TV or takes a nap. Dinner is hot and served promptly at 5pm. He comes out for dinner and I have the kids and myself lined up on either side of the table and he is at the head. Either I serve him or he serves himself but he gets testy if someone puts food on their plate before he does so we've all learned to wait for him. 

Once dinner is over I check my watch and start my 15 minute ritual which involves rotating 15 minutes with him and 15 minutes with the kids. When he and I are together I'm usually gaming or texting on my phone while he tells me how much pain he is in, how tired he is and making requests for me to fill his water, fetch him a bowl of ice cream or whatever. I used to listen intently. Now I don't. I know it bugs him but he's been tolerating it sort of. He makes it evident that he's not happy but he doesn't say anything. So I bounce back and forth between him and the kids until 9pm at night when they need to be in their rooms. At this point I used to get some alone time. But he made such a big deal of it, now I lay in bed with him and let him talk about his day some more. Lights out at 1030 and once he's asleep, I'll either sneak out of bed and get some alone time or lay in bed on my phone. Things he gets really mad at me about but I am so drained from the evening I have to do something. Eventually I get to sleep and it starts over. Not a horrible existence. I've learned to cope but in an ideal world things would be different.

I don't think my husband likes me at all. Well he does when I'm doing what I'm suppose to but if the girls and I take a couple dozen eggs and throw them at trees just because it's fun, I'm in trouble. If we are laughing and giggling, he tells us to be quiet. If we aren't quiet enough he comes out of the room and sends us all to our rooms. Including me to our room. Of course his perception is different. He says he works hard and deserves his home to be his way. I suppose that's true. He does. Not sure how happy noises can be that upsetting. Especially when it's the laughter of children. There is no sweeter sound but that's my opinion. 

I love to play, color, be with the kids. They are my solace. Yet I'm so bogged down with trying to make him happy and still be sort of myself that I miss out. I get worn out and I am distracted by the things I dont really want to be doing. I'm sure I will be slapping my forehead saying "duh" when I look back at this time in my life. I already am. 

Yet, my life could certainly be worse. I could be beat up on a regular basis. I could be the only bread winner instead of a stay-at-home mom. I could be delusional and unaware. I could be suicidal and feeling like I'm without choices. But I'm not. I'm in a good place. Not comfortable, not ideal but it could be manageable if I choose to stick it out. You never really know about the grass on the other side until you get there. And if it's not as good as it looked, you can't go back.