I did it again

Well I did it again. Not even sure what exactly I did but I got in trouble again tonight at practice tonight. Not at practice but afterwards. He bitched me out the whole way home about how I was a distraction, how I should be a better example, how I shouldnt drink, how I was disrespectful to my friends but especially to him. On the way there it was how I was an embarrassment for bringing my sparkly shoes and how I am slutty for wearing my hair curly. He also wouldn't let me drive my car or smoke in my car. Guess it's only my car when he's not around.

 

I hate how he hides. I know he doesn't hide completely at practice but when I directly confront him on something in front of our friends, he denies it. It annoys me so much. Why pretend if we aren't happy? Why pose for pictures when neither one of us really want to be seen together? Why bother? But we do. We go through the motions, he hides as much as he can but I think our friends are through it.

 

What bothers me most is that I really don't think I want a lot from him. Just some acceptance, some love, some patience, some grace. He ends nearly every church service encouraging the perish members to give grace, get grace, have grace and yet he doesn't seem to know what that means. What it disheartening is that he isn't capable of it. Again, he's not a bad guy. He would be a fine husband for a woman who wants to be submissive and controlled. But that is not me.

 

I've never been able to tow the line. I talked with T tonight about how I walk the line. Always have. It's just who I am. It makes me who I am and because I do, I can relate to all sorts of people. It makes me an effective minister but apparently it's not something my husband can accept nor tolerate about me. My friends seem to be ok with it but they aren't married to me.

 

I suppose it's hard to be married to someone who lets her flaws be seen. I suppose it's hard to be married to someone that genuinely loves anyone. I suppose it's hard to be married to someone who only takes finances, child rearing and love seriously. But that's who I am. I don't think it makes me bad, just different than he thought I would be. I still wonder why he says he's in love with me. Maybe those things appeal to him but he didn't realize that being married to someone like that was going to drive him crazy but trust me, I drive him crazy.

 

I really miss talking to my friend L who is in the same position because when I'm told constantly either directly or indirectly that who I am is bad, it's a relief to hear from him and find out I'm not as bad as I am told I am. Even though h tries to isolate me so I don't find support out there, I refuse to be shut down and placed in a position where I am stuck with my own thoughts.

 

I doubt myself constantly. It's because of how I was raised.  So placing myself in the same situation yet again is not surprising. I'm learning but I'm still quick to assume in bad, I'm to blame, I'm guilty and I deserve to be punished. Quite frankly, as much as I wish for a man who can see me and love me, it scares me. What if I did find a man who accepted me? Could I handle bring loved like that? Would I trust it? Would I push him away and test him to see if he really could handle me?

 

Probably. I would need a man who would be willing to stick with me no matter what. A man to tell me how amazing I am. How beautiful I am. How, even though I'm broken, I'm still worth something instead of being reminded of each and every mistake I make or how I'm a disappointment or how I need to be different. Aren't I good enough just as I am?  God says I am. My kids say I am. My friends say I am. Why do I even bother second guessing myself? I don't know but I do and his one discouraging word can supersede any kindness or compliment I may be given. I'm tired of living like this. But it's how it's going to be for now. I promised him a chance so a chance I will give.

Until then I guess I'll keep messing up and taking my punishment like a good little girl.