I have issues with commitment. I suppose that shouldn't come as a surprise being married 3 times and all but I do. It's a strange thing because I love the concept of marriage. I love what it was meant to be. I love what it is suppose to be. I love the idea of having your best friend with you at all times and someone to share the best and worst things of life together. A total trust with someone who knows all of you and loves you regardless.
I still want that. And oddly, it is seeming that H might actually be that man. It's not like I was intentionally testing him because the ultimatum and threats were real. I was done. But as he's accepted responsibility, I'm finding a man what is worth the effort. Even as unsure as I still am about this all working, he is patiently waiting, gently encouraging, and quick to apologize if old hurts he's caused come up. He also isn't pushing for a bigger commitment than I'm willing to give. He just wants to be by my side and wants to earn back the trust he so carelessly threw away. And not just my trust but the trust of our kids. I'm grateful.
Yet I am freaked by the concept of marriage. To me, it feels like a trap, submission, turning over control. That's my first mistake. I've always thought that is what it meant. My role as wife was to submit and let myself be controlled, manipulated and told what to do. I know in my head that's not correct. However convincing my heart is another matter.
Can I convince my heart that I can be in a forever relationship with anyone and still be who I am? Can I convince my heart that I have an opinion worth mentioning? Can I convince my heart that I am valuable, special and worth being treated well? Sometimes I think yes. Other times, when I'm not feeling very strong, I think no. And that conflict is not likely to go away. So I need someone that will help me to not compromise who I am in order to keep the peace. That's what has gotten me in this mess in the first place. H says he can do that, and for the last week or so he has. I hope it sticks. Because honestly, I don't want to do this again and I know I would.
I would like to say I would never get married again that I'd never allow myself to be in a long term relationship with someone again but I know better. Disney movies have lulled me into believing there is a soul mate out there for me. That one special prince.
My heart is still struggling with H. But again, he's not asking for much. And yet if I cannot give him what he wants, this is going to hurt us both so much more by hanging in there any longer. I keep saying, I can make this work. It will be okay and I believe that. But I keep coming back to the question of whether or not I should. Today I'm weak. Today I'm tired. Today I want to just give up this fight and just go with the flow. But why?
Am I wanting to give up because I am tired or is there somewhere in me that see's this is a good thing, he is actually who I was meant to be with and I am discontent because I am afraid of marriage? Well afraid of the concept of marriage that plagues me and stresses me out. I suppose the issues come from seeing how awful my parents marriage was. They hung in there. It was only by God's grace that my Dad was freed from the control at 66 when my Mom died. I don't want that. I don't want to wait that long. But marriage isn't meant to be something you are "freed" from and yet, that's exactly how I feel. Gonna have to explore this one in therapy because I'm not coming up with anything on my own.
In the meantime, I'll just stay where I am and hope that God will continue to do the good work in H that he has started (Phillipians) because at this point, there is a very real possibility that he is THE one and I'M the one that needs to accept it.
