Blessing in Disguise

Been a rough couple weeks. Hurt myself. Ok maybe that is an understatement. I guess it depends on your definition of hurt. I tore my meniscus in two spots, am unable to bear much weight on my left leg and am facing knee surgery. Not to mention the cartilage is worn down to a point where I was told I will need knee replacement in the future. Stupid sports injuries from high school and a recent couple missteps to throw my whole world into chaos.

Believe it or not, I'm not all that upset about it. Those kinds of things don't really get me. I don't like being helpless and I'm not always mindful of how much I should take it easy but I'm ok. My only sadness is that I had to quit a job I loved. Recovery will take several months with physical therapy and surgery.

What has been the most difficult is how H is dealing with it. I'm a whiner. He reminds me he's hurting too because he works physically hard at work every day. Stuff like that. I called him out on how critical he's been and he left the room mad. Whatever. He might be better with me but he's still an ass to others. My daughter is living with us to help me out and I'm so grateful. I hope he doesn't scare her away with his attitude.

So what am I going to do when I'm stuck off my feet at home and not in physical therapy? Well first thing is work on my tan! :) Second, k came over today and we are going to do it more often again. I'm also going to work on chord sheets for the team but what I'm most looking forward to is time with God.

I need to get back to a place of strength with Him. I'm allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled again. I'm weak in my own flesh. I don't know how to care for myself. But He does so praying a lot and reflection and blogging. Getting to the core of issues, letting go of bitterness and resentments. Being ok with my sadness and tears. Putting fears to rest. Yay! Even though before I thought I wasn't making much progress, I realize I was moving in the right direction opposed to not having time to move at all. See, this is a blessing in disguise. Life is good!

Commitment Issues

I have issues with commitment. I suppose that shouldn't come as a surprise being married 3 times and all but I do. It's a strange thing because I love the concept of marriage. I love what it was meant to be. I love what it is suppose to be. I love the idea of having your best friend with you at all times and someone to share the best and worst things of life together. A total trust with someone who knows all of you and loves you regardless.

I still want that. And oddly, it is seeming that H might actually be that man. It's not like I was intentionally testing him because the ultimatum and threats were real. I was done. But as he's accepted responsibility, I'm finding a man what is worth the effort. Even as unsure as I still am about this all working, he is patiently waiting, gently encouraging, and quick to apologize if old hurts he's caused come up. He also isn't pushing for a bigger commitment than I'm willing to give. He just wants to be by my side and wants to earn back the trust he so carelessly threw away. And not just my trust but the trust of our kids. I'm grateful.

Yet I am freaked by the concept of marriage. To me, it feels like a trap, submission, turning over control. That's my first mistake. I've always thought that is what it meant. My role as wife was to submit and let myself be controlled, manipulated and told what to do. I know in my head that's not correct. However convincing my heart is another matter.

Can I convince my heart that I can be in a forever relationship with anyone and still be who I am? Can I convince my heart that I have an opinion worth mentioning? Can I convince my heart that I am valuable, special and worth being treated well? Sometimes I think yes. Other times, when I'm not feeling very strong, I think no. And that conflict is not likely to go away. So I need someone that will help me to not compromise who I am in order to keep the peace. That's what has gotten me in this mess in the first place. H says he can do that, and for the last week or so he has. I hope it sticks. Because honestly, I don't want to do this again and I know I would.

I would like to say I would never get married again that I'd never allow myself to be in a long term relationship with someone again but I know better. Disney movies have lulled me into believing there is a soul mate out there for me. That one special prince.

My heart is still struggling with H. But again, he's not asking for much. And yet if I cannot give him what he wants, this is going to hurt us both so much more by hanging in there any longer. I keep saying, I can make this work. It will be okay and I believe that. But I keep coming back to the question of whether or not I should. Today I'm weak. Today I'm tired. Today I want to just give up this fight and just go with the flow. But why?

Am I wanting to give up because I am tired or is there somewhere in me that see's this is a good thing, he is actually who I was meant to be with and I am discontent because I am afraid of marriage? Well afraid of the concept of marriage that plagues me and stresses me out. I suppose the issues come from seeing how awful my parents marriage was. They hung in there. It was only by God's grace that my Dad was freed from the control at 66 when my Mom died. I don't want that. I don't want to wait that long. But marriage isn't meant to be something you are "freed" from and yet, that's exactly how I feel. Gonna have to explore this one in therapy because I'm not coming up with anything on my own.

In the meantime, I'll just stay where I am and hope that God will continue to do the good work in H that he has started (Phillipians) because at this point, there is a very real possibility that he is THE one and I'M the one that needs to accept it.

Operator, operator

Well things just continue to go downhill. Yesterday was mothers day and his idea of giving me a good mothers day was to keep the kids away from me as much as possible. Seriously. My oldest at home wanted to hang out with me and he told her no. Later in the day he proceeded to tell the girls that I was having a hard time and they needed to respect my space. Of course he wasn't. He was all up in my face, demanding attention, talking about us and stuff. One of the girls had soccer practice so he and I went to that and while she was at practice, we went for a drive.

Driving seems to be the best time for us to communicate. I'm more likely to say what I feel. So he and I ended up fighting. He gave me his ring and said "fine if your so unhappy, here's my ring". I took it, took mine off. Well my band because he still hasn't given me back my real wedding ring yet. And I chucked them both out the window and told him I was done. And I am.

Surprisingly I have no regrets. Like I've said in a different post, maybe I've been sabotaging this. I don't think so. The old behavior creeping up was evidence to me that this isn't going to work. He and I make great friends. That's all we are going to be from here on. He had asked for 2 months, I'll give it to him. It is in God's hands now if this is going to work or not. I'm in no hurry to move on so he can have whatever time he wants. I won't let it go more than a year though.

I hadn't shared it with the kids and tonight at dinner when they realized he wasn't coming home because he works nights this week, my littlest says "So Mom, he's not being nice again". I told her I noticed and showed her my ringless hand. I explained the situation as he and I have agreed to it. She asked a few questions then clarified, so you and he are friends, he's going to live here so you can still be around for us and he can be our step dad but you aren't married so if he gets too mean we can kick him out?

I said yes but that struck me as odd. Am I showing my kids to always keep an escape hatch open? Am I so resentful towards the institition of marriage that I'm teaching my kids to not trust it? I'm really not sure. She's only 12 so I didn't want to get into too much but I wonder what messages I'm sending, good or bad. I hope that I'm sending the message that abuse and control are not ok. I hope I'm sending a message that relationships are a two way street. I hope I'm sending the message that they come first and find someone who is compatible and someone who they know very, very well before marrying.

It reminds me of that operator game I used to play in elementary school where you sit in a circle and someone makes up a sentence and it gets passed along until the last person says it out loud. I always thought it was fun to see how it was going to get messed up. But this isn't fun. This is the future of my kids. I know I'm messed up but I'd rather not give them the gift of lifetime therapy like my mom gave me. I would take that as a failure and be very ashamed of myself. But we haven't gotten to the end of the circle so I don't know what is being thought. I have to wait and see and hope that somehow the message doesn't get too screwed up. Good thing I've got God to clarify things when I can't because this little game isn't cool.

Curveball

Of course I just couldn't be allowed to stay in my empowered state. Grr. Hate how life throws you curve balls. I'm not even going to get into the visit with my dad today. Maybe tomorrow or later as it sinks in. Short version though, he made me doubt myself.

He shared with me the benefit of his divine wisdom (sarcasm) and how to continue to enable an abuser in a marriage. Naturally he wouldn't say that but that's all I heard. How he was able to stay married to my mom for over 30 years because these were the tactics he used. Hmm...last week he said he was glad I'm standing strong and wants me to have a life he didn't. I can't keep up. He doesn't know what he's doing anymore than I do.

What I did want to address is that I came home to H having another "revelation". He said God told him that waiting a year is stupid and that H will be fixed in 2 months. Lol, seriously. So if in 2 months I don't feel H has changed enough for me to take him back, he will walk away with only a car and some clothes. I'm just not even sure what is happening. It's one of the most bizarre conversations I've had with my husband. All I could do is stand there and say "uhhhh huhhhh". I did not agree to it but I didn't say no either.

It poses some interesting questions for me to ponder. Would I believe any change is sincere if it has only been 2 months? If I give up the ground I have made and in 4 months it's the same ol' have I recommitted myself to a lifetime of regret for backing down from what I believe in?

I know he says he loves me and is willing to do anything to keep us together. He thinks that by dumping everything on my lap is the answer. I'm glad for the financial control but he's removed himself from any responsibility of the house now too. I'm in charge of money, maintenance, repairs, yard work, and such. All things I was preparing to take over...in a year. I don't even have a job. But now it's all on me. He says so I know what it feels like to be in charge. I told him I don't want to be in charge. I want a marriage. This is his way of showing me that he's willing to sacrifice anything to keep us together. Lucky me.

So now I'm going to go back to dredging through months of bills to see what's been paid and hasn't been, what the monthly budget is minus the Lexus, figure out when things are due and how much, then I'll have a good idea what kind of job I need to look for. Hopefully it isn't selling myself on the street corner. JK! :)