Cross Eyed and Confused

I'm not going now. I'm really annoyed and angry about it too. It was suppose to be a time of soul searching, of respite, of recharging but not gonna get it. Figures. I knew that it was a possibility this could all blow up but I had honestly hoped it would work out. I needed it to work out. So what happened?

The girls confronted me about being fearful around him. When I asked more about why, they told me from seeing him abuse me, the dogs, him punching things, slamming doors, etc. The one daughter that was going to be home alone with him this weekend asked me not to go. So I cancelled the reservations and talked to him about their fears.

Of course that was a farce because it was my fault. They don't respect him because I don't. They aren't giving him a chance because I'm not. They are afraid because I am. If I could just change my attitude, forgive and move on, then they could too. Huh...naturally I have to assess if any of that is true. It could be. But they weren't saying that they were afraid because I was. They were saying that witnessing the behaviors that they have, it has caused fear. Enough fear they don't want to be alone with him.

I'm at a complete loss. I'm losing hope that I can maintain this thing. I tried to kick him out again and he still refuses to go. He's insistent that he loves me and this can work. He's made changes that I need to recognize and acknowledge.

What he can't seem to understand is why I can't give him another chance. Why I can't just allow him into my heart. Why I can't seem to let go of the resentments and bitterness. I asked him where my feelings came into play and he said he hears my feelings and cares about my feelings but they are wrong and he's not going anywhere...because he loves me.

Am I insane? Should I be flattered? Should I be grateful? Should I be feeling honored that he's making a valiant effort? Because I don't. I don't like this at all. I am not feeling respected. I am not feeling like my feelings matter. I am not feeling loved or cared for at all. What I'm feeling is exhausted, tired, and worn out. It was everything I could do last night to not climb back into bed with him, give up this fight and just allow it all to continue the way it has.

I don't know how I find the fight to keep going. And so then I wonder if I should at all. What he wants is this whole thing to turn around and I just embrace him back and say good boy. Yet I can't. My children aren't feeling safe, I'm not feeling safe and this isn't going to work. No matter how hard I try to convince him of that, he cannot see it. He tells me I'm bitter and angry and that's not okay. He's right it isn't but how do I get over it with him in my face all the time.

I guess I thought this split up could be an amicable one. I thought I could help him see how wrong the entire situation is. I thought we could walk away friends. I don't think that's going to happen. However I'm not done trying for that. He's willing to go to therapy together now so maybe I can have a therapist help me tell him this is over. I don't know. He tells me it's a sign of how much he loves me by not leaving even though I repeatedly ask him to go. Really? Which one of us is messed up here?

I just don't know...

Operator, operator

Well things just continue to go downhill. Yesterday was mothers day and his idea of giving me a good mothers day was to keep the kids away from me as much as possible. Seriously. My oldest at home wanted to hang out with me and he told her no. Later in the day he proceeded to tell the girls that I was having a hard time and they needed to respect my space. Of course he wasn't. He was all up in my face, demanding attention, talking about us and stuff. One of the girls had soccer practice so he and I went to that and while she was at practice, we went for a drive.

Driving seems to be the best time for us to communicate. I'm more likely to say what I feel. So he and I ended up fighting. He gave me his ring and said "fine if your so unhappy, here's my ring". I took it, took mine off. Well my band because he still hasn't given me back my real wedding ring yet. And I chucked them both out the window and told him I was done. And I am.

Surprisingly I have no regrets. Like I've said in a different post, maybe I've been sabotaging this. I don't think so. The old behavior creeping up was evidence to me that this isn't going to work. He and I make great friends. That's all we are going to be from here on. He had asked for 2 months, I'll give it to him. It is in God's hands now if this is going to work or not. I'm in no hurry to move on so he can have whatever time he wants. I won't let it go more than a year though.

I hadn't shared it with the kids and tonight at dinner when they realized he wasn't coming home because he works nights this week, my littlest says "So Mom, he's not being nice again". I told her I noticed and showed her my ringless hand. I explained the situation as he and I have agreed to it. She asked a few questions then clarified, so you and he are friends, he's going to live here so you can still be around for us and he can be our step dad but you aren't married so if he gets too mean we can kick him out?

I said yes but that struck me as odd. Am I showing my kids to always keep an escape hatch open? Am I so resentful towards the institition of marriage that I'm teaching my kids to not trust it? I'm really not sure. She's only 12 so I didn't want to get into too much but I wonder what messages I'm sending, good or bad. I hope that I'm sending the message that abuse and control are not ok. I hope I'm sending a message that relationships are a two way street. I hope I'm sending the message that they come first and find someone who is compatible and someone who they know very, very well before marrying.

It reminds me of that operator game I used to play in elementary school where you sit in a circle and someone makes up a sentence and it gets passed along until the last person says it out loud. I always thought it was fun to see how it was going to get messed up. But this isn't fun. This is the future of my kids. I know I'm messed up but I'd rather not give them the gift of lifetime therapy like my mom gave me. I would take that as a failure and be very ashamed of myself. But we haven't gotten to the end of the circle so I don't know what is being thought. I have to wait and see and hope that somehow the message doesn't get too screwed up. Good thing I've got God to clarify things when I can't because this little game isn't cool.