Cross Eyed and Confused

I'm not going now. I'm really annoyed and angry about it too. It was suppose to be a time of soul searching, of respite, of recharging but not gonna get it. Figures. I knew that it was a possibility this could all blow up but I had honestly hoped it would work out. I needed it to work out. So what happened?

The girls confronted me about being fearful around him. When I asked more about why, they told me from seeing him abuse me, the dogs, him punching things, slamming doors, etc. The one daughter that was going to be home alone with him this weekend asked me not to go. So I cancelled the reservations and talked to him about their fears.

Of course that was a farce because it was my fault. They don't respect him because I don't. They aren't giving him a chance because I'm not. They are afraid because I am. If I could just change my attitude, forgive and move on, then they could too. Huh...naturally I have to assess if any of that is true. It could be. But they weren't saying that they were afraid because I was. They were saying that witnessing the behaviors that they have, it has caused fear. Enough fear they don't want to be alone with him.

I'm at a complete loss. I'm losing hope that I can maintain this thing. I tried to kick him out again and he still refuses to go. He's insistent that he loves me and this can work. He's made changes that I need to recognize and acknowledge.

What he can't seem to understand is why I can't give him another chance. Why I can't just allow him into my heart. Why I can't seem to let go of the resentments and bitterness. I asked him where my feelings came into play and he said he hears my feelings and cares about my feelings but they are wrong and he's not going anywhere...because he loves me.

Am I insane? Should I be flattered? Should I be grateful? Should I be feeling honored that he's making a valiant effort? Because I don't. I don't like this at all. I am not feeling respected. I am not feeling like my feelings matter. I am not feeling loved or cared for at all. What I'm feeling is exhausted, tired, and worn out. It was everything I could do last night to not climb back into bed with him, give up this fight and just allow it all to continue the way it has.

I don't know how I find the fight to keep going. And so then I wonder if I should at all. What he wants is this whole thing to turn around and I just embrace him back and say good boy. Yet I can't. My children aren't feeling safe, I'm not feeling safe and this isn't going to work. No matter how hard I try to convince him of that, he cannot see it. He tells me I'm bitter and angry and that's not okay. He's right it isn't but how do I get over it with him in my face all the time.

I guess I thought this split up could be an amicable one. I thought I could help him see how wrong the entire situation is. I thought we could walk away friends. I don't think that's going to happen. However I'm not done trying for that. He's willing to go to therapy together now so maybe I can have a therapist help me tell him this is over. I don't know. He tells me it's a sign of how much he loves me by not leaving even though I repeatedly ask him to go. Really? Which one of us is messed up here?

I just don't know...

Hardening Heart

I am finding that my heart is hardening. It concerns me actually. I know that if I am not humble and pliable emotionally, then I am not able to be used by God and I am not capable of forgiveness and demonstrating God's love.

I have amazing people in my life that I need to love. It isn't that I want to love although I do want to but it is a need. I need to let my team/family know I love them daily. I tell my kids. I tell my family. I tell anyone that I feel it for. It's kinda just who I am. If you know me and I consider you my friend, I tell you I love you and I try to tell you every day.

Part of me wants to tell H that I love him. Because I do love him as a friend and care about his existence. He knows where I stand. He knows that I am no longer married to him in my mind and heart. He knows that if I were to say it, it would only be because I am saying it as a friend and a demonstration of God's love. But I can't bring myself to tell him.

Perhaps it is because I don't really feel love for him but think I should. I don't know. It's a weird thing. It could be that I don't want to skew the lines that I'm drawing right now. Or maybe my heart just cannot find it's way back to the place where I can value him enough to want to love him. Again I stress this is not a romantic love but a friend love. I don't believe that we have to be enemies. I don't believe we have to be angry and bitter. I believe that we should be able to walk away from this marriage as friends and better people.

But a hardened heart doesn't make me a better person does it? I suppose in some ways it is what I need to learn how to set boundaries and take care of myself. But other than my Mom and my brother E, I cannot think of anyone else in the world that I have hardened my heart to. I genuinely love those that I don't even know very well. And yet it seems that I can add H to that list. I know why I would and yet I don't understand it. Is that even possible? To know but not understand?

I really haven't seen anyone since all this has transpired to know if this hardening I am feeling is going to transfer over into the relationships with others in my life. What if it does? What if I am shut down to my friends? To my children? To my family? What if I am no longer compelled to let those in my life know I love them because I don't feel it anymore? Not that it's an obligation but it is such a huge piece of who I am. If that were to go away I think I would have some kind of identity crisis. :)

And yet those fears are likely very irrational. You can't just stop loving altogether because you stop loving one can you? I can't imagine that would be how it would work. But then again, darkness spreads and eventually it will consume if there isn't light. I hope that my dear friends and children are the light and it keeps my heart soft. I want to love. I like to love. I need to love. Let's hope that's enough.