Work

I have a friend who hfor recently separated from her boyfriend if 9 years. Shes hurt but doing fabulously. I find myself jealous of the potential she has for her future. I find myself wanting the same opportunities she has for her future.

I'm working now and loving it. Feels good to be busy, make new friends and feel productive. I forgot how much I love to work. Strange I suppose but I do. I always have and it doesnt matter what I'm doing. I just love to work.

I think its because I feel useful, needed, wanted, helpful and desired. I suppose my parents made me this way. They had high expectations of all of us kids. Unfortunately sometimes they were hard on us. And that made all of us feels like we needed to be perfect. I guess all 4 of us really have dealt with that in our own way.

We all have our own insecurities and fears. One brother became an alcoholic and still struggles to stay sober even though he is almost 40 years old. Another brother is an overachiever and tries to make himself feel better by striving for fame, power, money, prestige and reputation. Then my sister just doesn't come home and avoids the situation completely. It's too bad we can't find more productive ways to deal with our insecurities and frustrations with the way we were raised. But really who truly is able to cope with their upbringing and healthy way?

I don't think anybody. Can we say what normal is? I don't think so. At one point, the world used to I think they knew what normal was. However I think we have learned that we really don't. Thankfully in our humility, we stopped trying to strive for an ideal that doesn't exist. And yet with the freedom that brings, it also puts us in a place of uncertainty. We struggle to find ourselves in this world. We struggle to hold on to a sense of security but not knowing how to find it. Our hearts wrestle with our heads daily and we end our days exhausted by the fight. But we keep fighting.

That's another reason why I like to work. It presents me with an option to feel normal. Being a housewife is hard. There aren't many of us out there and it is a common thing for people to assume I'm not smart enough to do anything else. That bugs me. But I'm not so co-dependent that I lose sleep over it. Thank God for that! Lol!

Anyway, I'm glad to be in the real world even if I don't have all I want. I have what I need. That's good enough right?

Cross Eyed and Confused

I'm not going now. I'm really annoyed and angry about it too. It was suppose to be a time of soul searching, of respite, of recharging but not gonna get it. Figures. I knew that it was a possibility this could all blow up but I had honestly hoped it would work out. I needed it to work out. So what happened?

The girls confronted me about being fearful around him. When I asked more about why, they told me from seeing him abuse me, the dogs, him punching things, slamming doors, etc. The one daughter that was going to be home alone with him this weekend asked me not to go. So I cancelled the reservations and talked to him about their fears.

Of course that was a farce because it was my fault. They don't respect him because I don't. They aren't giving him a chance because I'm not. They are afraid because I am. If I could just change my attitude, forgive and move on, then they could too. Huh...naturally I have to assess if any of that is true. It could be. But they weren't saying that they were afraid because I was. They were saying that witnessing the behaviors that they have, it has caused fear. Enough fear they don't want to be alone with him.

I'm at a complete loss. I'm losing hope that I can maintain this thing. I tried to kick him out again and he still refuses to go. He's insistent that he loves me and this can work. He's made changes that I need to recognize and acknowledge.

What he can't seem to understand is why I can't give him another chance. Why I can't just allow him into my heart. Why I can't seem to let go of the resentments and bitterness. I asked him where my feelings came into play and he said he hears my feelings and cares about my feelings but they are wrong and he's not going anywhere...because he loves me.

Am I insane? Should I be flattered? Should I be grateful? Should I be feeling honored that he's making a valiant effort? Because I don't. I don't like this at all. I am not feeling respected. I am not feeling like my feelings matter. I am not feeling loved or cared for at all. What I'm feeling is exhausted, tired, and worn out. It was everything I could do last night to not climb back into bed with him, give up this fight and just allow it all to continue the way it has.

I don't know how I find the fight to keep going. And so then I wonder if I should at all. What he wants is this whole thing to turn around and I just embrace him back and say good boy. Yet I can't. My children aren't feeling safe, I'm not feeling safe and this isn't going to work. No matter how hard I try to convince him of that, he cannot see it. He tells me I'm bitter and angry and that's not okay. He's right it isn't but how do I get over it with him in my face all the time.

I guess I thought this split up could be an amicable one. I thought I could help him see how wrong the entire situation is. I thought we could walk away friends. I don't think that's going to happen. However I'm not done trying for that. He's willing to go to therapy together now so maybe I can have a therapist help me tell him this is over. I don't know. He tells me it's a sign of how much he loves me by not leaving even though I repeatedly ask him to go. Really? Which one of us is messed up here?

I just don't know...

Treading water

I'm super excited about the weekend! He gave me a budget which was a very generous amount. I won't use it all. However after all the accusations and other things I find myself not sure about going. Not that I'm going to do anything wrong but because his insecurities have made me feel guilty and ashamed.

Its those kind of things that I am not sure I can continue to live with. Without even trying he makes me feel like crap about myself. I know it is because I am hyper-sensitive and just doing what I was trained to do as a child but it still sucks. I get tired sometimes and I wonder how long I can keep fighting to keep my head above water. It would be so easy to just let it all suck me under and allow myself to fall prey to the current that is trying so hard to make me what I was. And some days, I want that. I want to go back to the control, the manipulation, the shame, the guilt. At least I knew what to expect and how to deal with it. This new way is really tiring.

I have managed to get my head above water. I see light and know there is something beyond the horizon but don't know what it is. I find myself overwhelmed and afraid. What if there isn't anything beyond what I can see? What if there is but it's too far away and I won't be able to make it there? What if I'm wrong and all this work and struggling is just in vain? Have I wasted all this time and effort on learning who I am and trying to have a place where it's okay to be, just to have it be a life raft with a hole in it?

That's where God has to come in. Those questions are legitimate and real for me and the only answer is faith. I have to believe there is something there. I have to have hope in a God who has never left me down before. I have to hang on, find strength deep inside that I don't usually tap into and stay-the-course. I know I do...but some days even faith is hard to have.

So I will keep treading water and anxiously await my opportunity to have 4 nights and 5 days rest. I fear it will be impeded on, robbed from me or turn into a spectacle of unknown proportion because I don't believe H can let go of control and jealousy. But I am so desperate for the opportunity that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Spew

It's been several days since I've written. Mostly because I just have had so much to write about I wasn't sure where to start. That and the weekend didn't allow me the opportunity to write like I usually try to. So I'm going to recap what's been happening with my personal commentary about it. I have no idea where this is going to go.

The weekend went well. The kids were at their Dad's house and C went to her aunt's. It was just H and I which always goes well because he gets undivided attention. Just the way he likes it. However with that being said, he certainly seems to be making changes. He's much more humble and trying very hard to not control things. It's awkward because I don't really know how to deal with it and yet it was very nice. We were friends this weekend. We still slept apart but we did a lot together and it was good until C came home Sunday afternoon.

She came home her aunt had attached 3 spirit guides to her. That was fun to deal with. Not that I'm a stranger to Spiritual Warfare but not something you expect to deal with. What was impressive was that H prayed with me and afterwards, he anointed the property. He has never done that. I've always been the one to pray for a protective hedge around our home and yard. I was surprised when he brought it up and even more surprised when he asked me to teach him how. Again, giving up control for him...hopefully it's growth.

Then Monday came along and it was normal, Tuesday it hit the fan again. The girls were all accused of cheating. That never happens. They wouldn't do that. Well I'm not totally delusional that it couldn't but it would have been very out of character for them. But the accusations were there nonetheless and they were upset. C cut herself that evening when H and I went to the grocery store. That made me feel like we weren't spiritually covered and that H and I needed to be sleeping in the same bed and I needed to put a ring back on my finger. So when we went to Super Wal-Mart, we bought me a plain band to wear.

I struggle with this. I'm glad I'm not wearing my wedding ring but I'm still wearing something. It feels like ownership to me. I feel owned. Like this ring tells the world that I'm the property of H. I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I don't think I'm ready to accept the situation as it is yet but since we have gotten back "together" the kids seem to be protected again. Our life settled down and has been more normal.

I can't help but wonder if I have allowed myself to feel guilty for something that is just a normal bump in the road. H has been great and he's been consistent with his changes thus far. I am starting to believe it could be a new way of life for him but was this God's plan for me to accept him back into our bed and my life in order to protect our kids? I don't know. I don't feel good about it. He's been all lovey dovey and wanting to kiss and hug me all the time, I let him but don't like it. I'm back to trying to fake it because I don't want him to feel bad. He has been working hard, I see that. So I feel like I need to recognize and acknowledge it by being more of a wife to him.

That sucks. I'm just placating the situation again... What is it about me that makes me do this? I'm comfortable giving to people. I want everyone around me to know they are loved. And I'm willing to do it at my expense. Now what?

Can I go back to separated? Will the kids be affected? Will H be so broken that he reverts to his old ways? Have I just sentenced myself again, this time willingly, to a lifetime with someone I'm not in love with because I felt like it was best for my kids? Because I wanted him to know the good work that has been started in him is noticed? How annoying. I confuse myself. I have no business being married or even in a relationship with someone. I'm a mess and I met with my new therapist yesterday and don't like her at all. I want J back. But he got moved to 50 miles away. Do I make the drive once a week?

I might have to. No, not have to. I might want to. Okay, I can pull the word might out of that sentence. I want to. It was such a relief to get paired up with him in the first place. Finally someone that isn't a career therapist and has been around the block a time or two. Funny how you know immediately if the person sitting across from you is genuine or not. Let me revisit that a sec. R who I met with yesterday I'm sure was genuine and she was probably good at her job. However I knew I wasn't going to be able to relate to her. She had all the right words and a lot to say. And all her words were clinical and textbook. Which is probably calming for most. For me, it's alarming. I've had enough education that I'm not impressed by the lingo and jargon of the field. I don't need to be impressed by your knowledge of your job. I need you to listen and guide me. She would definitely do that but in a way that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because she's a woman. I certainly relate better to men. Maybe because it felt like she was finding ways to push me off to a group instead of one on one therapy. Maybe she just doesn't understand the problem. Maybe she was just too arrogant. I don't know but it's not going to work out with her. Something I'm going to need to resolve sooner than later, but not today.

Well that's my spew for today. I really don't have anything solved but at least it's out there. And just in time for another weekend. I got my laptop back from daughter #3 so I should be able to start blogging weekends even if I do it when I'm on the toilet. I need to do it. It helps. Guess we will see what tomorrow brings...

Hope Above Hopes

I had coffee with my dad today. Technically we don't have coffee but get together at 1030 am. Coffee time. I gave up coffee and pop. Caffeine wigs me out. I am a much happier person when I'm not wigging out. Lol! But I'm not writing this to talk about my reaction to caffeine.

 

We talked about gamblers; people that buy lottery tickets placing their hope in a little piece of paper with numbers on it. Those that are addicted relentlessly purchase tickets hoping above all hopes that they will be the one out of 175+ million people who play and win the grand prize. Those odds aren't very good and yet there are people that are buying 5 at a time daily with the hope that is increasing their odds enough to win a billion dollars.

 

I can't help but wonder if I'm gambling with my future. It can go both ways. Its a gamble if I stay but a gamble if I leave. The odds of me finding the man that is my jackpot is slim at best. I'm going to make random guesses now, the odds of me finding any man I can tolerate is 1:10. The odds of finding someone who will treat me better 1:35. The odds of being alone; 0:0 (I have kids). It's actually kind of interesting. I went to the census bureau to see how many educated, single men in my age bracket there is and they have all kinds of stats. None that I'm going to quote to you but lets just say my initial estimates are quite liberal. The odds are less than I thought. Not to mention I'm not traveling the world looking for a mate. I'm not looking at all. If there is a chance meeting or he's already in my life, then that's how it's going to have to happen.

 

However with all the chances of a different future, what are the odds that my husband can be what I need? Can he change who he is for me? Should I even be asking him to? I keep saying he's a good man. He is and this whole thing is breaking his heart. I really hate hurting him like this but I can't give him false hope. Yet its unfair of me to ask him to hang in there because I'm deciding what our fate is going to be. He has told me that I will have to be the one to leave. He doesn't want to lose his wife. He admits he's been a douche-bag.

 

It's a risk to forgive and move on. I don't know if I can. Some day I will, but I don't know what it will take. I don't know if I can while we are still married and living together. Part of me thinks we should just move on and if we were meant to be, we can date and get married again. This time it would be my choice. But what are the odds of that? Why would I bother working on my anger towards him when we aren't married and I have a lifetime of crap to deal with just analyzing the relationship with my Mom? I wouldn't and that wouldn't happen. So that's really out of the question but since we are talking odds here, it is possible that could work. The odds aren't good but there are odds of it happening.

 

Again I wonder if the hope that I have is misguided. Because honestly it is the hope of a different life that is what challenges me here. I know I can make this work. I know I can deal with how he is and spend the rest of my life with him. I know I can keep playing it safe and keep the peace. It gets easier as the kids get older to juggle and balance his co-dependence. I can continue to not do things I want to. I can continue to make the best of this and let who I am wither away. I've been doing it. I totally can.

 

But hoping above all reasonable hopes won't let me step away from the possibility of a better life. Even a life alone means I don't have to justify why I wear my hair curly instead of brushing out the "f me curls" I've been accused of. Life alone means I will shovel my own snow, put up my own trim, paint my own house and grill my own food. A life alone means the girls and I get to laugh as loud, as hard and as long as we want. A life alone means my girlfriend and I can have a sleep over or late night at the bar and I am not threatened. A life alone means I get to play piano for hours if I want. A life alone means more camping, means more swimming, more gardening, more playing. Friends, mine and of the girls, come over more often. Camp-outs in the back yard or turning the tramp into a tent with blankets and sticks! But not everything about being alone is good.

 

A life alone means I will miss soccer games, school plays, concerts and other things because I am working. A life alone means we never eat out because we don't have extra money. A life alone means (if he doesn't want them) I sell the boats and the motorcycle. A life alone means I'm changing my own oil, doing brake jobs and other maintenance on my car. A life alone may mean there is just one car and girls don't get to use it when they need it. It means if I'm having a panic attack there is no on here to tell me I'm not dying. A life alone means I buy my own smokes at 10pm when I've forgotten to get them during the day. A life alone means if something goes wrong with the house, I have to figure out how to fix it or find money to have someone come in and help me. It would be a real inconvenience to be alone.

 

An inconvenience to be alone? That's it? That's the best I've got? It would be uncomfortable, not easy, and inconvenient. Really? What the heck. Seriously, what am I missing here? What am I not seeing? Is hope blinding me or is it really that easy? Is it really going to be that hard to take off jammie pants and run to the gas station? Is it going to be horrible if I miss a few school events? Because the major ones I'd lose my job over. Is it going to be a bad summer without boats and motorcycles? Will life be over if I can't find the money for someone to put gutters on the house? What if the boiler stopped working...I'd have to get creative. Space heaters, talk to my Dad and friends, check with the local county for help, I don't know exactly but we'd figure it out. I have never walked away from anything in my life because I thought it was going to be inconvenient or hard even.

 

I chose to keep a baby and raise her alone when I was told to give her up for adoption. I was ready to sacrifice whatever it took to make sure she was okay. I would do that for all my kids. And let me tell you, a lifetime commitment of raising a child was not a small decision nor an easy one. But I never look back nor regret making that choice. Even though she has put me through hell at moments in her life, I wouldn't choose to do it differently. I'm glad for it all. So to think that I would hesitate improving my life because of a petty reason is disappointing to me. I must be missing something or am I just so complacent now that I have lost the fight that was in me 19 years ago. Interesting...am I not a fighter anymore? I don't know. That will have to be another blog. However I do know that I still hope for more...is it really a hope above hopes or is the potential gain worth the risk? Guess I need to figure that out.