Which direction?

Haven't written for a while. Hasn't been too much to write about and I've been trying to adjust to a summer schedule plus working and a house guest so I don't get much time. Not that I haven't been thinking because I have. Of course there is no resolutions yet although I'm seeing and feeling movement which is good. Just not sure which direction it's taking me.

I find myself noticing more and saying less again. I'm also not seeing my friends as much nor in therapy so my sounding boards aren't getting used. H is quickly shifting back to his old ways and even though I say less now, I still say something. For example I told him I didn't like the direction we are going and I'm not going back. His response was to tell me the changes he has noticed in me and how I can be better including quitting my job. Normally I would have kept my mouth shut. Tonight I told him to worry about what he needs to do and I'll worry about what I need to do because it won't work in the current state.

I'm increasingly aware of the June deadline. I'm so grateful for it. It's a form of accountability for me. Not just in my on again-off again marriage but individually as well. My heart is softening and I'm less afraid of my feelings. There is less shame in crying and I can feel myself closer to forgiving my mom. I'm tired of carrying it around.

Also my bff challenged me to listen to Christian radio to work every day last week. Although I didn't listen daily, I did a couple of the mornings when the silence was deafening. I have to admit the messages in the music certainly made a difference in my heart. It reminded me of the promises of the bible and what God has for me. It brought back hope. This time not in a future life without H or a soul mate but a hope in the present. That each moment, good or bad, each step I take, is in God's hands. It really doesn't matter what direction I am going because God is in the details. Now that's a hope I can hold on to. Thanks k. I love you.

Living The Dream

I'm sitting in the restaurant my best friend works at. Hoping she will get off a little early so we can chill but even if she doesn't, I'm going to do this more often.

I'm humored watching and listening to people. We really are very confusing as people. Our words say one thing and our actions another. There's a couple of ladies next to me bragging about their lives. Comparing notes and trying to top each other with who's kids have better grades, who makes more money, who has better relationships. It's sad yet funny. I feel bad that is what they gauge their worth by and chuckle because I've been there.

I remember caring what neighborhood I lived in, what car I drove, how much money my husband makes, whether or not my kids are well groomed when they leave the house. I remember not daring to be seen in any place "unsavory" or with people that could hurt my "image". Then God got me. He dropped me to my knees and made me choose between His way or the world's way. I choose God and had to give it all up. Oddly it didn't feel like it was much of a sacrifice.

What I gained was far greater. A sense of peace. A future without competition but contentment. Joy in the safety and security of knowing I don't have to measure up, I just need to be me. Flaws, faults, hurts, resentments included. It's all good.
I look back at myself and giggle. I was so niave. I was so young. I really had bought into the "american dream" but it's worthless and yet so many people are trapped in the place of living the dream. What do you think would happen if the world started to live a new dream?

It's a cool thought...

Treading water

I'm super excited about the weekend! He gave me a budget which was a very generous amount. I won't use it all. However after all the accusations and other things I find myself not sure about going. Not that I'm going to do anything wrong but because his insecurities have made me feel guilty and ashamed.

Its those kind of things that I am not sure I can continue to live with. Without even trying he makes me feel like crap about myself. I know it is because I am hyper-sensitive and just doing what I was trained to do as a child but it still sucks. I get tired sometimes and I wonder how long I can keep fighting to keep my head above water. It would be so easy to just let it all suck me under and allow myself to fall prey to the current that is trying so hard to make me what I was. And some days, I want that. I want to go back to the control, the manipulation, the shame, the guilt. At least I knew what to expect and how to deal with it. This new way is really tiring.

I have managed to get my head above water. I see light and know there is something beyond the horizon but don't know what it is. I find myself overwhelmed and afraid. What if there isn't anything beyond what I can see? What if there is but it's too far away and I won't be able to make it there? What if I'm wrong and all this work and struggling is just in vain? Have I wasted all this time and effort on learning who I am and trying to have a place where it's okay to be, just to have it be a life raft with a hole in it?

That's where God has to come in. Those questions are legitimate and real for me and the only answer is faith. I have to believe there is something there. I have to have hope in a God who has never left me down before. I have to hang on, find strength deep inside that I don't usually tap into and stay-the-course. I know I do...but some days even faith is hard to have.

So I will keep treading water and anxiously await my opportunity to have 4 nights and 5 days rest. I fear it will be impeded on, robbed from me or turn into a spectacle of unknown proportion because I don't believe H can let go of control and jealousy. But I am so desperate for the opportunity that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Leaving my fantasyland

I'm still pondering yesterday's post. I find myself totally wrapped up in all the men around me. G has  a lot of qualities I would adore in a man. So does T and even H. How delusional I am to think that the "perfect" person is out there. But am I really saying that there is a perfect person?

I don't think I am. I think I'm saying that I have preferences. And yet, I'm so messed up in the head right now I can't honestly make a sound judgment call when it comes to relationships. I do get concerned though at myself when I read yesterday's post and see how vulnerable I am. I have to be sure to keep my head out of that place or I'm going to do stupid things. No, I'm not saying with L even though I realize it could have been interpreted as me having a crush on him. It wasn't about him per se, and more about what I would want in a man.

Truthfully I shouldn't be thinking about the qualities I want in a man. I have one. If I'm looking to make my life complicated, that would be a good way to do it. I really don't. My brain cannot handle one more anxiety to process. Trust me, there wouldn't be enough legal drugs out there to manage the kind of episode it would cause. And yet I'm back to an earlier post about hope. Hope in a better future. Hope in a different life. Hope in a chance to do things right and make life the way I feel like is should be. But I can't afford that hope right now. It is that hope that has led me astray.

Even though I'm moving in a direction of independence and the chance of life being different, I cannot be distracted from healing by the hope of a rescue. I need to rescue myself. I need to be okay sharing those intimate things with my therapist and my best friend. I need to be okay as a woman without a man at her side. I need to like myself without the daily affirmation of a husband. I need to focus my energy on me and my girls. Period.

So I will wrestle back the urges to think ahead to life with a man that exists only in my head and focus on the here and now. I am blessed with beautiful and amazing children, a beautiful home, I live in a great town and community, I belong to a church that has incredible people in it, I have friends that love me like I love them. God has even blessed me with sons. :) The life I have right now is exactly where I need to be. So no more fantasy talk for now. Back to reality...and it's a good one.

Feeling good

So I did it. Finally told him this isn't working and I not only want a separation but need one. It was so hard. You would think it would be easy because I clearly have animosity towards him but it wasn't. However now that it's done, I am so relieved.

He called on his lunch break and he asked if I had anything to tell him. I said I did. He asked if it was good or bad and I said both. He told me to tell him. I said I didn't think it was a good idea but he pushed and I gave in. I told him it was over. I was done. Which he interpreted as I'm filing for divorce. Rightfully so. We had 5 minutes to talk and that was the shortest way to tell him.

I guess he stewed on it all day and contacted some of our friends and my dad. I knew he was going to need to talk to friends, but my dad? Really? So I get a call from dad with a message saying that he would be coming over tomorrow morning and we needed to talk because he was not happy with me. What a degrading feeling. No wonder I'm so shame based. It takes one message to send me back to my childhood and my head spins. What did I do now? Why is he unhappy? What is he going to say? It was crippling emotionally. And hurt like hell because I thought we were past all that. I thought he was done being dad and more a friend. Guess not.

I called him and he said that H had called him and he is disappointed in me and H and that neither one of us are doing what we are suppose to be doing and that we would discuss it "at length" tomorrow. Ugh. As if I wasn't stressed enough waiting for the big guy to come home wondering what his stance was going to be and if I was going to need to have 91 dialed in my phone and my thumb hovering over the 1. Much to my surprise, he didn't come home at all. He went to see G who wasn't there so he hung out with K.

I hate that there isn't more separation between us and our friends. Those friends love both of us and it's sucky they get put in the middle. Thankfully I know that G and K are able to separate actions from the individual so they won't judge him or me. What a gift that is. Still hard for them though I'm sure. In situations like this it is so tempting to take a side. You almost feel like you have to. But we are all so closely connected, it's difficult. Much like a family. But I guess that could be God's point. If everyone is family, we see them differently. We offer more grace, love and patience. Well maybe not all of us but those of us who cherish family can love our friends as well as we love those we are related to.

Anyway, he did eventually tell me where he was. We had limited time without the kids around so I didn't want to rush him but wanted to talk this out with him. Especially after hearing from my dad. I was SO pissed off. H knows enough of my family history that he shouldn't have gone there and I was just imagining once again, the guilt and shame talk from Pastor P. You know, the one that made me say yes to a proposal I had already refused...many times.

H came home and we went for a drive. I'm SO glad we did. I drove which helped me stay focused and made me less afraid of him. I figured if he starts on me physically I would damage us both by driving into a ditch or something to stop him. Then I could get out and run. Sad that I would think I needed a plan like that but I went there.

I won't bore you with all the details but to give you an idea of how the conversation went, after about a half hour of him laying into me, I said "shut the f#&k up and listen for once". From there I did all the talking which included a few leaking moments, the bold honest truth, and how if there is any chance of us working, he needs to leave. There's still a deadline on the table and I will respect that but I can't work on him and me at the same time. Oh and that I refuse to work on him at all. That's his job. I'm done.

By the time we got home, he looked me in the face and said he heard me, he has some things to fix with G and my dad and that he will start looking for a place to go. Wohoo! We also talked about playing on the team together and we agreed to be band mates while there and leave any husband wife stuff at the door. Not only for the sake of our friends but for us. If he truly wants this to work, then we will need something positive to build on. Playing worship music with friends could be a very good foundation to start a relationship with. Or at the very least if it doesn't work out, then we have common ground to keep us friends.

I also told him I'm not holding back anymore so he will see me and hear me. Then he can make an informed decision about this marriage as well. I'm feeling pretty good about all of this! Yay!