Fat Lady Sings?

I know I've already written today but a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. H and I both had therapy. With different people at different times. But it was good and what needs to happen.

I went back further than I have before in looking at my history with H. There was a time that he was a safe place. A time where I had accepted the choice my parents made for me and really tried to make it work. A time where he and I saw eye to eye and we got along really well. I don't believe my parents would have set me up with someone they thought was going to be a complete ass. So they must have seen something. That's what I went looking for...what did they see.

What I saw was a man who was once humble. Who had a heart of gold, who was kind and soft-spoken, who was gentle and loving, who was giving and supportive. A man who loved me with every fiber of himself and in a beautiful, Godly way. I also saw that I loved him the same way...then we got married and it all went to hell.

Strange how our perceptions change. I had been asking God to soften my heart. Maybe this is an answer to prayer. I'm hopeful but cautious. In no way does this mean he is off the hook, it just means that I am seeing more than I was and am less blinded by the anger and resentments. I still have that anger and will hold on to it as long as I need to. I use it as strength right now. Something I've never acknowledged that I've done. But as much as I hate anger, it has served its purpose well in my life. I'm afraid of becoming my mother and other abusers in my life but I realize that I have self-control now and I'm a lot less afraid of myself. That's been a blessing because I have given myself the okay to be mad and I find it comforting to be there and know it will continue to keep me on the right track.

On to H. He had therapy today too and for the first time, I was given a genuine, whole-hearted apology. Not one riddled with excuses or blaming but a humble and repentant sorry. It shocked me. I saw shame, I saw guilt, I saw sadness, I saw a broken soul before me. Now whether it stays, we will see but I was impressed. Of course I didn't let him know how impressed I was but I did thank him. The other thing that was unusual about it was that he was without words. Not his way. He's one of those that likes to drive it home 300 different ways before giving it up. He said only he was sorry for everything and he listed everything. Then he said all his actions have repercussions and consequences and he was prepared to accept those.

Wow! Acceptance and humility. Not his strengths. But if God can work in my life and those around us, why can't he work in H's life as well? I have seen my daughters overcome amazing trauma's and life issues. I have seen them fight battles with depression and self-harm. I have seen them deny who they are just to try to fit into the world they once lived in. I have also seen them rise above the pressure, above the ugliness that once consumed them and become better and amazing human beings. If God can work in them like he has, why not H? Truth is, God can. God can do anything. Not just in H's life but in mine and in the life of this family.

I don't know what the future is going to hold. I will NOT go back to the life it once was. There is absolutely no doubt in that. If H and I stay together it will not be because I have given in to the pressure and loneliness. It will be because God has ordained it and has brought both our hearts to a place where there can be the kind of love a husband and wife need to have for each other. Again I surrender it to Him who is the great I Am and just wait and see. For now, I'm treading lightly, keeping my true thoughts to myself but hoping for the best. And as I'm doing that, I'm watching closely to see if the repentant heart that has been revealed to me stays that way or if we go back to the old crap. Maybe this will stick...who knows...but this is still the last chance; the last stand, the last hurrah or whatever other metaphor you want to use. The fat lady sings or this is over.

Little sore

I have this small cut on my finger. I don't know where it came from or how it got there. But I noticed it when I felt a little bit of stinging. It was actually deep enough to bleed a little and split open. Again, it's origins are a mystery.

I imagine that is how friends and family are feeling right now. This random sore pops up, they don't know where it came from but still have to deal with the stinging. I feel bad for that. I wish I could shield everyone in my life from the pain of what's happening with me right now. But I can't.

I want to be able to say all is well. To keep lying about my marriage and what happens behind closed doors but I can't. Eventually you have to look down and see the festering wound and take care of it. If you ignore it, it will become infected.

I'm trying to take care of this wound in my heart. It is definitely infected yet I'm totally at peace. Could it be because my shit-o-meter is pegged? Is it because I am so arrogant that I think I know what is best for me? Or perhaps I'm in a delusional state of reality and I'm clueless to what is actually happening.

I suppose it could be all 3. But does it really matter? I'm angry yes. H has been a dink. However the longer time passes the easier it gets for me. I doubt less often, I see the path ahead and am not afraid, I'm eager for the change, I'm ready to focus on me. Selfish I know, but I need to be a little bit. I'm worthless to my kids if I don't take care of me first. Only took me 40 years to figure that out. Lol!

So here I am with this wound on my finger, recognizing it's time to clean it out, sterilize it and wrap it up...much like my heart.

Leaving my fantasyland

I'm still pondering yesterday's post. I find myself totally wrapped up in all the men around me. G has  a lot of qualities I would adore in a man. So does T and even H. How delusional I am to think that the "perfect" person is out there. But am I really saying that there is a perfect person?

I don't think I am. I think I'm saying that I have preferences. And yet, I'm so messed up in the head right now I can't honestly make a sound judgment call when it comes to relationships. I do get concerned though at myself when I read yesterday's post and see how vulnerable I am. I have to be sure to keep my head out of that place or I'm going to do stupid things. No, I'm not saying with L even though I realize it could have been interpreted as me having a crush on him. It wasn't about him per se, and more about what I would want in a man.

Truthfully I shouldn't be thinking about the qualities I want in a man. I have one. If I'm looking to make my life complicated, that would be a good way to do it. I really don't. My brain cannot handle one more anxiety to process. Trust me, there wouldn't be enough legal drugs out there to manage the kind of episode it would cause. And yet I'm back to an earlier post about hope. Hope in a better future. Hope in a different life. Hope in a chance to do things right and make life the way I feel like is should be. But I can't afford that hope right now. It is that hope that has led me astray.

Even though I'm moving in a direction of independence and the chance of life being different, I cannot be distracted from healing by the hope of a rescue. I need to rescue myself. I need to be okay sharing those intimate things with my therapist and my best friend. I need to be okay as a woman without a man at her side. I need to like myself without the daily affirmation of a husband. I need to focus my energy on me and my girls. Period.

So I will wrestle back the urges to think ahead to life with a man that exists only in my head and focus on the here and now. I am blessed with beautiful and amazing children, a beautiful home, I live in a great town and community, I belong to a church that has incredible people in it, I have friends that love me like I love them. God has even blessed me with sons. :) The life I have right now is exactly where I need to be. So no more fantasy talk for now. Back to reality...and it's a good one.

Empower

 

Today I've been thinking about empowerment because I feel empowered. There are 3 definitions that I found at MerriamWebster.com for empower:

1:  to give official authority or legal power to

2:  enable 

3:  to promote the self-actualization or influence of

 

I'm not exactly keen on the word enable but why not? I have been enabled to be a better person. To say it's okay that I heal. To promote myself and give myself power to be me in the best way I can. Amazing how it has such a profound affect on my life. Being told I'm okay, I'm making good choices, I'm on the right track has given me so much strength. Even though I'm not always sure of my actions, I still know I'm doing good. Does that make sense?

 

I feel in my gut that I'm on the right track. It feels good and I'm becoming more confident. Yet the old way of thinking still sometimes gets in the way and I find myself doubting but that doubt is quickly dissipating. I don't know if that is because I have a lot of hidden pride or if I was just ready for this change. Probably doesn't matter really, I'm doing it and it's going well.

 

I think the ease in this transition is that I have seen how others are. I have a friend who was a victim of incest growing up. Yet she is an amazing woman. I see how strong she is, how she has grown, how she no longer lets that situation in her life control her and it has made me want that. I want to feel good about myself. I want to like myself. I want to be free from the anxieties that plague my days and especially nights. Not just want but dream of it because she has shown me it is possible. What she endured was far worse than anything I've gone through. I have so much admiration for her and if you met her, you would too.

 

I have dreamt of what it would be like to be free from the shame, the false guilt and the expectations I have placed on myself. I have imagined my life not being so easily emotionally blackmailed. I have imagined what it will be like to have the freedom to wear my sparkly shoes to church. I have dreamt about the laughter, the tears, the joy, the peace. I have wanted it so badly that I could taste it. And for a LONG time. I have prayed, I have begged, I have longed. So it's almost as if I have already lived this way because somewhere inside me, I already have.

 

What took me so long to get here? Empowerment. The death of my Mom gave me permission to question my life. It gave me the ability to take back the authority in my own life. It allowed me to free myself and rid myself from the constant oppression that I felt. Even though I wasn't living with her and had moved on in my life, she was still an ominous presence in my life. I never felt good enough. I always felt like I had to doubt myself. I believed that any confidence I had or displayed was pride and bad. Those open wounds dictated my future, my life, my choices. With her death, those wounds can finally be healed and I can finally move on.

 

It kinda makes me sad that it took me to empower myself. I shouldn't have been this way but it was and it is what it is. What I do know is that I love where I'm at and now that I've given myself to be empowered, I am finding support all around me that I didn't see before. I have incredible friends who truly love me like I love them. As my Dad is finding freedom himself, he is empowering me. My children are my biggest fans and I've had a great therapist. I don't think I could see any of that before. I just couldn't believe I was worth it, that I deserved anything other than punishment, or that I could have the strength to handle life on my own terms and in my own way. I dared to hope and with that hope came action and here I am.

 

I smile and rejoice today because I have been empowered and I can't wait for my life to begin because I've already lived it in my heart. I know what it will be and it is GOOD!