The weekend went well. The kids were at their Dad's house and C went to her aunt's. It was just H and I which always goes well because he gets undivided attention. Just the way he likes it. However with that being said, he certainly seems to be making changes. He's much more humble and trying very hard to not control things. It's awkward because I don't really know how to deal with it and yet it was very nice. We were friends this weekend. We still slept apart but we did a lot together and it was good until C came home Sunday afternoon.
She came home her aunt had attached 3 spirit guides to her. That was fun to deal with. Not that I'm a stranger to Spiritual Warfare but not something you expect to deal with. What was impressive was that H prayed with me and afterwards, he anointed the property. He has never done that. I've always been the one to pray for a protective hedge around our home and yard. I was surprised when he brought it up and even more surprised when he asked me to teach him how. Again, giving up control for him...hopefully it's growth.
Then Monday came along and it was normal, Tuesday it hit the fan again. The girls were all accused of cheating. That never happens. They wouldn't do that. Well I'm not totally delusional that it couldn't but it would have been very out of character for them. But the accusations were there nonetheless and they were upset. C cut herself that evening when H and I went to the grocery store. That made me feel like we weren't spiritually covered and that H and I needed to be sleeping in the same bed and I needed to put a ring back on my finger. So when we went to Super Wal-Mart, we bought me a plain band to wear.
I struggle with this. I'm glad I'm not wearing my wedding ring but I'm still wearing something. It feels like ownership to me. I feel owned. Like this ring tells the world that I'm the property of H. I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I don't think I'm ready to accept the situation as it is yet but since we have gotten back "together" the kids seem to be protected again. Our life settled down and has been more normal.
I can't help but wonder if I have allowed myself to feel guilty for something that is just a normal bump in the road. H has been great and he's been consistent with his changes thus far. I am starting to believe it could be a new way of life for him but was this God's plan for me to accept him back into our bed and my life in order to protect our kids? I don't know. I don't feel good about it. He's been all lovey dovey and wanting to kiss and hug me all the time, I let him but don't like it. I'm back to trying to fake it because I don't want him to feel bad. He has been working hard, I see that. So I feel like I need to recognize and acknowledge it by being more of a wife to him.
That sucks. I'm just placating the situation again... What is it about me that makes me do this? I'm comfortable giving to people. I want everyone around me to know they are loved. And I'm willing to do it at my expense. Now what?
Can I go back to separated? Will the kids be affected? Will H be so broken that he reverts to his old ways? Have I just sentenced myself again, this time willingly, to a lifetime with someone I'm not in love with because I felt like it was best for my kids? Because I wanted him to know the good work that has been started in him is noticed? How annoying. I confuse myself. I have no business being married or even in a relationship with someone. I'm a mess and I met with my new therapist yesterday and don't like her at all. I want J back. But he got moved to 50 miles away. Do I make the drive once a week?
I might have to. No, not have to. I might want to. Okay, I can pull the word might out of that sentence. I want to. It was such a relief to get paired up with him in the first place. Finally someone that isn't a career therapist and has been around the block a time or two. Funny how you know immediately if the person sitting across from you is genuine or not. Let me revisit that a sec. R who I met with yesterday I'm sure was genuine and she was probably good at her job. However I knew I wasn't going to be able to relate to her. She had all the right words and a lot to say. And all her words were clinical and textbook. Which is probably calming for most. For me, it's alarming. I've had enough education that I'm not impressed by the lingo and jargon of the field. I don't need to be impressed by your knowledge of your job. I need you to listen and guide me. She would definitely do that but in a way that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because she's a woman. I certainly relate better to men. Maybe because it felt like she was finding ways to push me off to a group instead of one on one therapy. Maybe she just doesn't understand the problem. Maybe she was just too arrogant. I don't know but it's not going to work out with her. Something I'm going to need to resolve sooner than later, but not today.
Well that's my spew for today. I really don't have anything solved but at least it's out there. And just in time for another weekend. I got my laptop back from daughter #3 so I should be able to start blogging weekends even if I do it when I'm on the toilet. I need to do it. It helps. Guess we will see what tomorrow brings...
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