Well we have practice tonight. I'm a little nervous about it. He's been good but when I asked my daughter about how she felt, she said he still gives her looks when I'm not looking.
That's what I'm afraid of. Will he just mask his true feelings but they fester underneath like a volcano waiting to explode?
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I wrote that last night. Never got enough time alone to finish it. Practice went well or so I thought. It was fun, H didn't seem to lose his temper or get annoyed, he even laughed a little. It was good. Then we left and although his delivery was better, he felt like I was ignoring him and not treating him like everyone else. He might be right.
He's been taking luxuries with me that has made me very uncomfortable. Extra touchy feely, wanting deep kisses, grabbing me. So I probably did stay away from him a little. I don't like to show a lot of PDA (Public Displays of Affection) as it is. I don't want to in front of friends at all. It's just weird. Maybe if it was with someone I was madly in love with, I'd be okay with pecks, lingering hugs, sitting on his lap and stuff like that. But not usually my style. Shame I'm sure. And with H I don't want to lead him on or give him permissions I shouldn't. Sadly I already had and didn't realize it.
I woke up a little before 5am with his hands down my pants, my shirt hiked up above my breasts, and him rubbing away. WTF. I'm a hard sleeper. At first I didn't realize what was going on. As I got my feet underneath me, I panicked. Just laid there for a minute or two frozen, afraid, unsure what to do. I didn't say anything or let on that I was up but I did yank his hand away and roll over. He then apologized and said he was sleeping. Ya sleeping....I told him he was full of shit and just as awake as I was and he needed to leave.
Of course he didn't leave like I asked. He tried to hold me, made a bunch of excuses, kissed my neck. Again I'm having a PTSD moment where I'm frozen, can't say much and still a bit out of it because the time of day. Finally got up the courage to leave and have a smoke, he followed, talking the whole time, excuse after excuse of why he thought it would be ok to take advantage of a sleeping woman with a history of sexual abuse in her past. I was hearing things like we are married, I used to be okay with it, he was horny, I didn't stop him in my sleep, etc. All lame.
After the smoke I asked him if he wanted his pillow, implying I wasn't allowing him back in my bed. He asked if he could just sleep on the floor. I'm still afraid and disoriented at this point so I say fine. When he gets to the room he lays down on the bed next to me. I let it go again and told him not to touch me. He didn't and got up shortly after. Then I fell back asleep until just a moment or two ago.
H came in and woke me up saying he thought I would like an hour or so before we have to leave for my daughter's soccer game and then proceeded to tell me that he's not going to live in shame, he messed up, he will keep messing up and he's ok with it. Phew! Glad we got that figured out. What a relief (sarcasm). So glad he woke me up to tell me that. NOT! Grr! Then he tells me he's going to wake the kids. I told him not to. This was his idea, not theirs and to leave them alone. Whether he did or not, I don't know. I'll find out later but the ugly is coming back and I wasn't ready for it at all. Mad at myself for that.
I shouldn't have been so willing to accept his changes in such a short time, I shouldn't have allowed a normal bad day in the life of children spook me into an emotional place that I wasn't ready for, I should have trusted myself enough to stick to my guns and not allowed myself in the compromising position I was in earlier today. But I did and I'm still scared on the inside. Talk about reverting back to being a kid.
I feel helpless, powerless, fearful, sad, trapped, scared, lost, confused, ashamed, and darn near suicidal. And now I get to spend the day putting on a happy face and dealing with H who clearly has no idea the psychological impact his actions have had on me and me vulnerable and without ability to function in a way to protect myself like I need to. Hopefully Mama Bear will come out because I don't know how to deal with this. It's a lot to bite off. I just hope the memories don't flood when I'm suppose to be focused on a soccer game. That would suck. So wish me luck world, it's gonna be a LONG day...
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